Rishta of an Alcoholic!

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’ll try to be as objective as possible.

My sister is 25. She just got a rishta from a family that we are good friends with. The guy is 32 and he’s an alcoholic. His family has hidden this from everyone for a long time. But the guy’s sister is really good friends with me and my sister.. we’ve known each other for 12 years. His sister was very disturbed and used to vent to us about her brother’s problems. We never told anyone.. until now..

He used to come home in the middle of the night completely drunk, sometimes with the police behind him. He got arrested a couple of times for drunk driving but managed to somehow not go to jail.. he got community service or probation or something. To top it all off, about 9 years ago, there was a girl who came to their home cursing and screaming, saying that she was carrying his child! Maybe she didn’t have the child.. or it wasn’t his.. no one knows.. either way, the child doesn’t exist in his life. There was a case filed against him for beating someone up, probably when he was drunk. We don’t know the details of this, but again, he didn’t go to jail. I guess he has a really good lawyer or maybe some of the charges weren’t true. I don’t know!

Well, my sister is completely OK with this rishta, knowing all of this! This guy comes off as a really really good guy.. good looking.. good family.. very shareef and seedha saadha.. financially stable. Everyone who sees him thinks that he’s a good bachelor. For some reason, my sister thinks that there’s hope for him.. She has always seen the good in people.. and she thinks that he wants to make things better deep down in his heart!

So what do we do?! Our parents don’t know about all this, and we don’t want to tell them.. why put his dirty business out there? His mom knows that my sister and I know about him. I think his mom (who is a really sweet lady) is starting to see some glimmer of hope in her son and thinks that he will get better if he has an understanding wife. My sister can easily say no and everything will be over.. no questions asked! But she wants to marry him! They’re not friends or anything.. it’s a strictly arranged rishta.

I’ve obviously tried talking to her.. but she thinks this is a minor flaw.. and the big picture is too good to pass up.. like his respectable family, etc, etc.

Please tell me what to do! Should I just support her in this?!
Also, what does Islam say about this? Is it OK to marry someone who drinks?

2

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

Your sister should know that marriage isn't exactly charity work, and no it's not just about 'respectable family', etc. She has to spend the rest of her life with this guy, she really REALLY needs to think this through.

Ism e Azam
3

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

Bebo Shah,

You have to give her a really solid picture of what she is getting into.

Often times, people are idealistic about marriage and feel once they get married...the problems will go away.

STOP DOING THIS LADIES!!! MEN DONT CHANGE, WOMEN CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE!

Women marry men thinking they will change their bad habits and cure them of whatever is ailing them...its not the case. Women end up becoming bitter when the problems dont go away and the man doesnt change.

Your sister needs to have a conversation with this guy and address every single one of his issues one by one. Give him a chance to explain himself, its only fair. However, dont be naive and listen to him if he says "I'll quit".

Btw, your mother should know about all this. Its her child and her right to make an informed decision...you shouldnt be witholding such information from her. This is your sister.

p.s. - this isnt to say spouses dont change or drop their bad habits...but only if they want to. you can only change people who want to make a change...you can not force it on them or think somehow Allah swt will put in their heart.

4

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

talk to your parents, and you should not care what your sister will think about you afterwards. It was his parents responsibility to guide him (cut his allowances, or watever).

and he wont gonna leave his this alcohol obsession in a day. it will take atleast a year (if he agrees to join some rehab)

Lahoo Bech kar roti khareed laya hoon
5

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

in fact, ask your aunty to make him join rehab, and if he honestly gets better then you guys will reconsider this rishta.

Lahoo Bech kar roti khareed laya hoon
Lahoo Bech kar roti khareed laya hoon
Lahoo Bech kar roti khareed laya hoon
6

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

Someone I used to know married a guy knowing about his drinking habbits and she (just like your sister) saw hope in him and thought she'd be able to work with him. They were divorced after she had their first baby. Apparently his drinking just got worse after marriage.

I think all of this just comes down to one basic thing - either you can live with the way the person is now or you can't. Don't marry in the hopes of change, that something will change and then life will be good.

Lahoo Bech kar roti khareed laya hoon
7

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

WOW and you guys are saying 19 and 27 cant work out!

8

whats wrong with an alcoholic. seriously, stop discriminating against people's customs and social norms.

lol.

/s

9

PSquared aunty, how many men have you based this assumption on? Did you hang out with these guys daily to know their habits intimately before and after marriage? Or is this based on hearsay.

I have seen many a men change. Knew a number of guys personally who were much worst than the bachelor in question and they all changed their ways and became dedicated family men.

I think desi men change their ways a lot after marriage.

10

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

^ Big Daddy, what you're saying has a point as well. Yes, there are formerly wild desi men who toned down after marriage. There are even some messed up desi girls who changed their ways for the better after marriage. Every person and situation is different. If you read Psquared's post.......she has suggested that the girl get to know the guy better before making a commitment. This is reasonable advice that would have been given EVEN if the guy didn't drink........compatibility is important in relationships.

Also, Psquared said that it's not easy to change someone because it is up to the individual if he/she wants to change. I agree with this. Placing the huge responsibility of marriage on an individual is not automatically going to make him change. It could work for some people and not for others. It all depends on the individual's willpower and efforts. While....there is the possibility that people CAN change for the better.........there's nothing wrong with exercising caution.

P.S. I do not understand why some people resort to calling others "aunty" or "uncle" because they don't agree with their post. Since the ages of all guppies are not known...........what if the one you're calling "aunty" "uncle" is within your age group or younger than you? Unless you meet the guppy/guppan......it's unreasonable to assume they would be your aunti/uncle. Now if the title is being bestowed with the intention to insult........then it's a bit juvenile. Most people who respond to threads do so with the intention to help. Most people respond based on their own personal experiences (which we may not know about)..........and not with the intention of being a "know-it-all-aunti/uncle." I'm not trying to be rude/offensive toward you.......I just think it's more polite to call someone by their name/nick.

11

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

^ apologies for the frivolity. please carry on.

12

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

LOL, no need to apologize or to be petulant. As I said earlier, I had no intention to offend. :)

13

^ i was not offended at all. you are pretty facile.

14

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

im sorry to say tht if the guy had to give up he wld have given up for his family seeing tht hes not alone who bears consequence fr wat he does.tom if she even tries hell tell her to back off saying tht my family lcdnt acheive it wat makes u think u cn stop me frm it.shell not succeed in doing so.he has to kill his own demons everyman has to or atleast shld hav the will to so the other person cn step in n help.I hardly think he even has the will.Its proved goodgurls like bad boys cuz they feel sumwhere they can change them but change dosnt come as easy as they think.My best friend got married to aguy she knew had anger issues n being the good girl tht she was thought that they had so much love between them that anger wldnt have any place well turns out tht it did actually he beats her up eeverynite..bangs her head on the cupboard,steps n kicks her around like shes a toy...shes so much in shock tht she trembels while talking!!!
people change & not alcholics are bad but he has a hostory of various things behind him..one cn be a lie 2 can be acoincidence but as u mentioned so many cases cant be ignored .It obviously shows tht the alcholism affects the person he is ina negetive manner..ur sister would be naive to think she cn change him or this wldnt affect her married life!

lastly all i cn suggest is tht u tell ur mum & ask her to casually mention to ur sister tht shes not ok wid the rishta as shes heard randomly tht this guy has alchol related issues.

Hope it Helps...

15

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

If a woman ends up in such a situation because she was not informed earlier, and then she wants to work on it, thats understandable. But if she steps into a pile of doo-doo knowing that its there, I'm sorry but I don't even have any sympathy for her. Life is not a bollywood movie for heaven's sake.

If she wants to *bring a change, *tell her to work for save the whale or green peace or something. Devote your life, not screw it up.

Mumtaaz Mahal
16

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

Society in general teaches us to be good, kind and fair to others. This girls thinks she is doing just that by giving this man a change. What she doesn't realize is that by trying to give this guy a fair chance, she is actually putting herself in danger. Yes, alcoholism is very dangerous. When one loses their senses, they are capable of anything. Just because she will be his "wife", that doesn't mean that he will be fair towards her. In a case like this, there is nothing wrong with being selfish and putting yourself first. This man will wreck her life. She cannot 'save' him. Only HE can save himself. If he's not willing or intersted in changing his ways, he won't.

Men and women do not change, unless they actually see there is a problem and seek help. Nobody can 'make' another person change.

Jaanwar: I don't think she wants your sympathy. If she goes ahead with this marriage and realizes she was wrong, trust me, she will hate herself for making the wrong decision for the rest of her life. Living with this kind of guilt is hard enough without others bashing you at the same time.

Taweez culture
17

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

^ You said the same thing, only nicely.

18

Well you have to give a chance to him but not after marriage, coz the ball at the time will be in his court and you cant play unless he let you play with that.

i think you must realize this habbit is not normal or polite after listenin to so many cases still you want your sister to be married to the said guy would be a blunder i think..

but please solve it before her marriage.

Regards,

GB

19

Tell her not to do it. A couple of people above have given examples where the marriage hasn't worked out and I can add an example I know to the list. Two families were great family friends (but they lived in different cities) - kids get married - 18 months later they're divorced and the families are estranged as well. Turns out the guy was an alcoholic/drug user and he became abusive when he was under the influence. Like everyone has said - you can't change or help someone who doesn't want it for themselves.

And the issue is more than just the alcoholism - they guy you're describing is two-faced and his values are questionable (demonstrated by his choice to drink, not seek help, get into drunk and disorderly fights and possibly getting a girl pregnant). It seems like his true character comes through when he's been drinking - does your sister really want to be with someone who's morals/values are at issue?

Also, you owe it to your parents to tell them all of this now. Imagine them finding out later that you knew about this guy's nature but you withheld the information from them - they would be disappointed and hurt by both you and your sister.

Heart vs Mind
20

Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!

[QUOTE]
So what do we do?!** Our parents don't know about all this, and we don't want to tell them.. why put his dirty business out there?** His mom knows that my sister and I know about him. I think his mom (who is a really sweet lady) is starting to see some glimmer of hope in her son and thinks that he will get better if he has an understanding wife. My sister can easily say no and everything will be over.. no questions asked! But she wants to marry him! They're not friends or anything.. it's a strictly arranged rishta.
[/QUOTE]

***The bigger problem here is not the fact that the guy is/was an alcoholic .

Its the fact that you think that you should with-hold this kind of information from your parents ?????

This is THEIR daughter and if it is an arranged marriage as you said then THEY are the ones you should be TELLING this to..........

I don't think any parent would want to marry their daughter off to a person of questionable character and habits and if this thing did go through and your sister ended up with a person that screws up her life , YOU are the one that your parents will blame for it !

Inform your parents about EVERYTHING you know and let THEM make the decision for THEIR daughter.***