rishta from a divorced man

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I am SO confused right now (haha, I know goes with my name). Anyways, a friend mentioned a guy to me and mentioned me to the guy. He’s 2 years older than me, doing his residency with her and she said he’s a “really good catch, an all around good guy”. I was on-board to meet him (I informed my mother that someone was interested but that he wants to talk 1-2x before getting the parents involved since his side lives abroad and it would be an unnecessary hassle, she was fine with it).

So somehow I completely missed the message she had sent me saying that the guy was married for a “year or so” a couple of years ago. Now I’m completely and totally confused. I explained this to her but she said that he is an amazing guy and if he wasn’t so much younger than her, she would’ve married him and I should at least give it a shot. She was really emphasizing that I shouldn’t disregard him from the get-go since we seem to be a good match. Apparently–from what she understands–it was an arranged marriage to somebody back home before medical school (that means he had to be ridiculously young at the time) and the girl couldn’t adjust to life here. I don’t even know what that means but sounds weird to me.

Anyways, I obviously haven’t told my mom about this new development because I want to hear it from him and plus, the ball’s already set in motion so I have to wait for him to email before telling him I’m not interested if I decide to not proceed from the get-go. I’m really conflicted because I’ve never been with anyone ever so it just seems odd to go for someone that was married (as in living together, ruksati-fied married not just nikkah done).

At the same time, I don’t know if it’s a good reason to completely say no to someone, especially since I don’t know his situation. But it would also be impossible to find out who was “at fault”. There are people we know who made life hell for the DIL then when the couple divorced, the in-laws totally blamed the girl even though the son was the psychopath (and vice versa).

Long story short: what would you guys do in my position? Entertain the guy? Or is the divorce thing too much and its easier to not even consider it?

thanks

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

The way I see it is:

You will always have to take peoples' words for who they are no matter what...divorced or never-married. It doesn't matter...all you have is their word so its best not to enter any situation with that mindset of "who knows, they could totally be lying". Anyone could be lying and no matter how amazing the guy seems...he doesn't come with any guarantees.

My approach to this would be to get to know the guy for myself and be the judge. If your friend has been working with him and recommends him to you...she must be basing it off of something. So find out what that something is before you shoot him down...it might be worth it.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Getting married to a divorced guy is something which I cannot think of. Not because I think divorcees are aliens or something but because I don't see myself easily accepting the reasons of the divorce and WHAT IF scenearios. E.g what if the divorced guy did something wrong to his ex-wife; what-if he couldn't have forgotten the ex-wife; what if he would be constantly comparing the new wife with the ex-wife etc. Knowing the guy for many years and seeing him go through his marriage and divorce (as in the case if the guy was already a friend/ colleague) would make things much different but getting to know the guy after his divorce means that we get to hear ONLY his side of the story.

I don't see myself smart enough to handle a difficult situation. For me, it would be whole lot of work involved to get settled with even an unmarried guy since it will adjusting with a new guy (most probably through an arranged setting) and a new family and the added factor of an ex-wife is something which will freak me out.

I am not saying that ALL the divorced guys are difficult. But when I hear people saying that 'the guy is an INNOCENT divorcee' when referring him as a potential rishta, I always wonder HOW would we know about his innocence until we get to hear the other side of the story as well.

I am NOT trying to scare you soconfused. If you think it would be 100% ok for you to marry a person who is divorced, only then you should proceed. Otherwise, its better to back off now rather than leading the guy on for sometime and then saying no to him. He might be a good person, but if he is a divorcee, its a fact and if you canno't accept it, better to not proceed. He deserves a person who whole-heartedly accepts who he is and if you are unsure now, don't proceed. If you are 50-50, you can meet the guy once to be sure. But don't linger things on if you are not getting good vibes.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

1) Just b/c the guy is divorced, that doesn't mean there is someone "at fault". There are MANY divorces out there that occured at a mutual decision of the couple. The couple themselves deciding that they were not compatible with each other and its best to go their separate ways instead of spending life with someone who doesn't make them happy. As you stated yourself, you don't know the situation.

2) You are right that many husbands and in-laws make their DILs lives a living hell. But here's the thing.....even if you marry a guy who has never been married......HOW do you know that his and his family won't be like that? Just because a guy has never been married...that doesn't mean that he and/or his family is incapable of making your life a living hell (and as a result, causing you to be the "1st wife" who divorced the husband).

3) Right now I don't think your mom or anyone else needs to know about this. Let your mom and other family members meet the guy, and make their judgement based on what they see/hear. Don't cloud their judgment at this point by giving them this piece of information.

4) As for you........meet the guy. Ask him directly about his divorce and be honest about your concerns. Does he expect you to live with his parents after marriage? See what he says about his divorce. And get to know his personality. And then follow your instinct. If you truly like him, and feel that you two are compatible.....then proceed with the rishta.

5) Once you've gotten to know him a bit and have decided that you two are compatible, and you want to take the rishta to the next level....and AFTER your mother has met him in person (and assuming she likes him also).....only after that let her know about the divorce.

** Whether or not the divorce thing is "too much"....that's something only you can decide. For me personally, this itself would not bother me. Knowing that my husband had a wife before me is not something that would drive me crazy. But personally, I know I could not deal with a divorced man who has kids. But that's me personally and I know PLENTY of other people who have step-children, and are happy in their situation. So even IF you end up liking the guy, you need to sit down and decide if you can handle him being divorced despite him being a good guy.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Things happen to people especially in this day and age where everyone seems to be confused about the opposite sex.

Just meet him and talk to him. See where it goes.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Just like Ashy said, I'm a little hung up about the divorce and what that could mean for my married life (is he going to compare me with his ex all the time) but I think it's too premature to get into that right now.

This is exactly what i was thinking but unsure if it was a bad idea to not disclose the detail to my mom initially. I think that divorcee tends to cloud people's judgements automatically (even my own: I was totally gung-ho about meeting this guy and then the divorce thing came to light and now I'm so conflicted).

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Meet the guy with an open and clear mind, judge him for who he is and I think you are a sensible girl you will be able to work out what kinda guy he is.

And basically everything paheli said!

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Are you looking for a guy who has NEVER been with another girl? As in never married, never had a GF, never dated at all? You are absolutely right in saying that there is the possibility that he may compare you to his ex-wife. But what if you marry a guy who compares you to his ex-gfs? Is that something you can handle? How will you know that a unmarried guy isn't comparing you to the girls he had dated before? And realistically....what do you think are the odds of you finding a guy who has NEVER dated, NEVER had a GF?

Whether its ex-wives or ex-gfs.....remember one thing.....there is a reason that woman is his "EX". So a comparison with her doesn't automatically mean that its a bad thing.

Since you're aware of the fact being a "divorcee" tends to cloud people's judgements automatically.......then you also realize that your mom knowing this information will make her biased. Do you want that? Don't you want to know what you mother really thinks about the guy....WITHOUT any prejudice?

Look.....you really need to do some soul-searching (and do it fast!). Don't lead the guy on. I think you should meet with him at least one time in person. Talk to him, ask him directly about the divorce situation, and share your concerns. And go from there. But by the time this "1st meeting" ends....you also seriously need to decide if YOU are ok with the "divorcee" thing. Unfortunately that's not something your mom or any of us can decide for you.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

I agree with you. Leaving aside the divorce thing, I AM interested in the guy and--with lots of friends/coworkers in the medical field--I totally understand that marriages tend to fall apart a lot with someone in med school/residency ( like this guy was/is). I'm def not gonna tell my mom until things progress to the point where I feel like it's necessary.

The most important thing for me is to figure out WHY he got divorced. I asked the mutual friend and she said that "things just didn't work". That's fine if that is the reason, but I'd rather hear what he has to say about it. Also, I agree with you about not wanting to lead the guy on. He seems like a really sweet person and after having been in a position where I was hanging in limbo for a while, I would NEVER want that for someone else. That being said, would it be inappropriate for me to bring up the divorce in our initial chats (these have to be online since he lives on the opposite side of teh country)? I don't know what's considered taboo. I'd be much more comfortable proceeding/calling it quits once I know what happened, but I don't want to seem overly nosy or anything like that. Any advice about that?

Thanks for all the replies btw. With my parents backwards thinking regarding divorce, it's nice to see other views. Helped me clear my thoughts a lot more.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

status like divorced, single, or married does not entirely define who a person is like another poster had said in another thread. BUT in order for a safe and secure future for yourself you need to ask about the divorce, most desis don't get a divorce just because things didn't work out

It would be weird and strange if you didn't ask him directly. not only to see how honest he is but also to see how he respects women and how he respects a woman that he is no longer in a relationship or a woman that reminds him of the worst event in his life. If he still holds her up in a respectful manner, it shows a lot about his nature and how grounded he is to reality and to his own flaws
is that wrong?

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

There's nothing wrong with talking about history early on...its not taboo at all. But just be tactful about how you ask...try not judge and just keep an open mind.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

listen sister.

when a desi man is divorced, it is quite obvious that he would have done something fishy for the divorce to have happened. Desi women do their best to not get divorced, and in 99% of the cases it is only due to the desi husband fault.

you better run away, and run away ASAP!!

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

First thing first, what is your preference of an ideal age gap? In my opinion, 4 to 7 years of age difference is ok. Two years of age difference is too low unless you are Mahnoor Balooch kind of lady. She still looks younger. :wink: He is possible doctor and currently divorcee, you know what things happen with great people too(give him benefit of doubt). In my opinion, if potential spouse that much cool/compatible/financial stable/good looking/belongs to good family/doctor :wink: then you should not care about his whole past. You should take your parents in confidence and inform them latest development. Parents are good in analyzing complicated matter and will ask him reason of his divorce. I also understand your concern regarding faults in past relationship of this guy. Again, you have to have trust him and give him a chance.

Second opinion: Do Istekhara.

aaye haye. itni wadi post kardi mainay. :smack:

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

That is such a wrong perception.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

you are so wrong.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

I just don't sugarcoat things.

ask the divorced ladies here on GS. you will get an answer

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Re: rishta from a divorced man


and how about asking the divorced men ?
Divorced ladies aren't saints either.
Sometimes ladies are to blame & sometimes men.

BTW it wasn't about sugarcoating.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

Sugarcoating is one thing. What youre saying is simply untrue

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

sure. ask the divorced men here too.

but the thing is, men and our society at large will always blame the woman. the onus of making the relationship work is put squarely on woman's shoulders. so you will always hear men and their mothers saying that it was girl's fault. demonizing divorced girls and whatnot.

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Re: rishta from a divorced man

I know cases in my extended family where it was the girl's fault & cases in my extended family where it was the Guy's fault.
Both sexes are humans and prone to mistakes.No sex is a saint.
Your statement was absurd.