Rishta Demands

Lifestyle Relationships
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Debbie is known to down it with the best of them.

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Guy has brought up a legitimate issue which is unfortunately pretty common in some areas of Pakistan. Many parents demand large amounts or house etc for Girl thinking that it will "Secure" their daughter's future but just like huge jahaiz cant secure anyone's future this can't either.

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Some women ask for property to be put under their name as security. But if it's a set amount of money....it won't last you forever. So you won't be too secure for long. I'm not suggesting that haq mehr is pointless...not at all...but Decent6chora has a point and my guess is that it is also what the OP meant.

I've a question. In the event of a khulla (not talaaq)... wife has to forfeit her haq mehr, right? So, let's say that the wife asked for a whopping sum of money as her haq mehr...which she received....and ends up spending that entire amount. In the event of a khulla (not talaq)....unless her ex-husband waives it....would she have to return that same amount of haq-mehr to him? IF this is correct....then that's something for women to consider.....because life is unpredictable and it may be much much harder to give back what was so easily asked for in the first place.

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The bold part is not true. If I being a Pakistani girl, don't care about mehndi and just prefer having a small get together for nikkah in the masjid then I am sure there are other girls out there who prefer the same.

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Yea I agree, but there are few girls like you. Sadly, majority of them don't hold this point of view I think.

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I could care less about what the girl brings to the table. I don't care if her parents send furniture or anything. I'm simply talking about "security money" or maybe bride price as its called. I don't know the words. Of course haq meh is Islamic. There is initial and deferred. But if someone is demanding $60,000 cash up front and her name added to the ownership of a $600,000 house as a way of showing you are serious and will never leave the girl is a bit crazy I feel.

Those who make marriage expensive make zina cheap. Follow the example of our Messenger peace be upon him. Marriage should be simple. If girls are demanding huge haq Meher and additional security things and yet if they leave you in the west courts give them even more in a divorce.

And please don't bring Islam into this and mix it with culture. Some people here are mentioning religion as the excuse for the cultural demands and vice versa.

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In an Islamic court if a girl during Nikkah isn't given the husbands right of divorce and she applies for Khula then she has to give the meher back. If she has spent it then who knows. Legally hard to take from someone what they don't have. Then again I don't know anyone who pays a huge amount anyway.

People either write huge amounts to show off to their family, and some girls write less to show how noble and trusting they are. Cultural things again !

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If the parents are the ones negotiating and asking for money you can be crazy sure it's like a shopping market in Pakistan, they try to get as much as they can in the deal if they think you are rich and if they think their daughter is worth a lot. This is the "trend" in certain areas. Although they will admit as parents when they got married they didn't do anything. But you can be sure whatever gold/money she brings to the relationship stays with her, the haq meher stays with her which is fine, but these days they are asking for things above and beyond haq mehr.

Who writes their property away to a girl in an arranged marriage ? So she feels he is stuck with her. What if she is the one who wants to leave ?

This is all in addition to a diamond ring. Anyway study the sunnah for haq mehr and tell me what is fair, and the reasoning for it and how much was given in the messenger pbuh times and not today's cultural times

I'll agree that it's not about selling if you have backup to what is fair

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What if i've spent all my money and all I got is enough for an ice cream, would this suffice?

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In that case, dont marry. Have that ice cream and chill!

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Well hold on if you own a 600K house, why wouldn't you put your wife's name on it? Doesn't matter how expensive the house is, once marriage happens isn't the concept what is mine is yours (from the man's side)? So in other words if he owns property, the girl's name SHOULD get put on it as well. If you want to wait until there are kids or once there is more trust then I suppose that's fine, but eventually if she will become the mother of your kids, you really do need to put her name on that sort of thing, otherwise depending upon inheritance laws of the land, your kids and wife could end up without a home or having a crapload in taxes to pay.

So yeah, if you already have property, her name should be added at the time of marriage - IF YOU'RE SERIOUS about the girl, and you trust her enough to marry her. If it's totally arranged and you want to give the marriage a 1 year test run before you add her name, then chances are you probably don't know her well enough to trust her...in which case, why are you marrying her?

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Ummm......no. Is there a lack of girls out there? If one family is demanding something that's unfair....move on and find another girl to marry. Besides, Islam did give men the right to actually marry Christian and Jewish women.....so even if desi girls families are being ridiculous....it's still not a excuse for zina.

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I do know in the Prophet's time (saw) a haq mehr has been both an iron ring and a garden. Neither was the iron ring too little nor was the garden too much. If you can't afford to marry the girl who wants the garden then don't. Why put yourself in this headache?

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Exactly. That was my understanding and I wanted to verify it. So, for girls who are asking for exorbitant mehr.....keep in mind that if your marriage doesn't turn out well and you decidedly want "out".....which is a khulla....then you have to return that exorbitant mehr to your ex husband...unless he forgives it. That can be quite the predicament if wife ain't workin'...or don't earn enough...and if her folks won't or can't help her. Even if the law of the land doesn't support this ruling and the court cuts her a break.......well, she will then have it upon her conscience that an Islamic ruling was not followed. All boils down to one admonition: Exercise the haq mehr right that Islam grants you but with decency and within reason......factor your own socioeconomic status and that of the guy's and the khulla consequences in the equation.

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so did you verify it?

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OP makes a fair point! So, to those who are attacking him why don't you lay off? If you don't have anything positive to say just leave the thread.

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Yah, what do you expect when you post on a desi forum, you are going to get the same money hungry desi girls. I don't own anything myself, what young late 20's/early 30's man does? Not many. People look at the family and say your family house, well, its my family house, I have many siblings and my parents are still alive. They are looking at the man's inheritance as well counting and adding things up.

People can ask for anything of course if they want, no on has to accept any proposal if they don't want too. All I am saying is the trend lately is becoming very common, either Men demanding or expecting large amounts of gifts and money from the girls side, I've seen girls parents buy the newly wed couple new cars, house, and furnish that house etc. I think that is silly, but if that comes out of the parents love for their daughter and they can afford and want to give it, up to them, but I certainly don't want to be using a bed the girls family bought, nor do I expect or want anything from the girls side.

And then the Haq Mehr, which is supposed to be a reasonable amount which the groom can afford AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE, sure that is fine, normal and expected. Like I said some people write based on "supposed future earnings" or "to show off to their family that our girl is so amazing the guy wrote such and such huge amount of money".

Anyway, whoever was advocating above "transferring all my money earnings and property" to the wife or adding her name to it does not make any sense, I don't know where such and such thing comes from Islamically, we are back to the greedy cultural norms again that the wife wants to "own and chain the husband" to her.

We are talking IN ADDITION to the husband still working and providing everything in life as well. Many of you here are so greedy and want to milk the man out of everything he has, take everything he earns, and god forbid in a divorce, take even more. If anything you are encouraging divorce, you are letting people stay unmarried until they are very old and desperate and miserable.

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Didn't say I wanted to commit zina, just saying in general when parents and girls/boys make marriage such a complicated lavish affair with so many stipulations, marriages go down, these people are still meeting and dating other people, if they aren't committing zina, they are at least in sin.

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Yah, truly there are many out there who do not make such silly demands, its just that I have been coming across this more and more often, and was wondering other people's experience as well. On the contrary, my point has been validated on here that the females are expecting these things haha

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1) People who are ok with dating/committing zina will do it regardless. This is not necessarily related to not being able to marry.

2) I'm not sure which part of the world you live in….but here in the U.S., of all the desi men I know/come across, they don't seem to have a problem finding a wife. If they don't find a desi girl here then they either go back to Pakistan/India OR marry a non-desi. Men who are serious about marriage make it happen one way or another. They don't whine about their search or make excuses to commit zina.