Okay so I have this friend. Up until recently he was in a long term relationship and close to marriage, but now he’s single again. Anyway, the problem is that now he’s being pressured to agree to an arranged marriage. He isn’t really financially well settled yet, and the rishta they have for him is for a girl (a family friend) who’s also heir to a good bit of property (only daughter). The reasons they’ve presented for this are purely practical though. The first is that he’s not financially secure, and therefore not in a position to decide who he gets to marry. The second is that they’ve stuck by his choice for all these years (the long term relationship which didn’t work out), and now it’s his turn to listen to them. And finally they say that by marrying this girl, even if he takes a while settling down, he can secure himself financially in the long run.
All this is in turn confusing my friend. He’s not particularly attracted to the girl, but in his words he wouldn’t kick her out of bed. So in terms of attraction it’s just meh. He doesn’t want to get married just yet, but he’s getting the whole emotional blackmail* drill. Personally, I don’t think he should marry someone who he doesn’t feel a connection with. However, I think if he is going to go the arranged marriage route, he might as well marry rich, and in those terms this rishta is a catch. I mean, compatibility shompatibility, all these are best practice procedures but we all know that at the end of day, arranged marriages are all about the moneyz. So what do you think he should do? If he doesn’t go for it, how should he try to convince his parents otherwise, when they throw the “we’ve let you do your marzi for the last few years and look where you ended up” line in his face?
Your scenario/ friend's predicament is flawed from the beginning..Islamically, he has NO holds/rights/authority to HER inheritance/ finances. That is to remain hers and hers alone to do with as she chooses. She could blow it all on a Chanel & Hermes shopping spree and he could not do or say anything about it! If she chooses to share it with her husband or support the family with it, well and good. If not..too bad, so sad.
When my mother passed away, her Estate was valued in the 6 figures. My two sisters and I (we have no brothers) each received a very sizable amount. My husband NEVER once asked/advised/told me what to do with it. I CHOSE to put it towards a down payment on an investment property of my own that will eventually come in handy when its time to pay for college for our three children. The whole premise for this rishta sounds wrong. My husband was a recent college grad with next to nothing when we got married. He couldn't even afford to a diamond engagement ring. And now Mashallah we live in a FULLY paid off house, have ZERO car payments, and own 2 other investment properties Marrying for solely for money is crass, regardless. Case closed.I wonder if the poor girl knows that she has "Cash Cow" stamped across her forehead.
Your scenario/ friend's predicament is flawed from the beginning..Islamically, he has NO holds/rights/authority to HER inheritance/ finances. That is to remain hers and hers alone to do with as she chooses. She could blow it all on a Chanel & Hermes shopping spree and he could not do or say anything about it! If she chooses to share it with her husband or support the family with it, well and good. If not..too bad, so sad.
Yes that's all very nice, we can spend money on whatever we want yayy, but show me a wife who refuses to spend her money on her husband. It might be her money but it's all going to stay in the family, if not the husband, the kids definitely get it. That's probably the premise the parents are working on. Also, all things being equal, who would you rather marry? A cash cow or a kangli?
Your scenario/ friend's predicament is flawed from the beginning..Islamically, he has NO holds/rights/authority to HER inheritance/ finances. That is to remain hers and hers alone to do with as she chooses. She could blow it all on a Chanel & Hermes shopping spree and he could not do or say anything about it! If she chooses to share it with her husband or support the family with it, well and good. If not..too bad, so sad.
Yes that's all very nice, we can spend money on whatever we want yayy, but show me a wife who refuses to spend her money on her husband. It might be her money but it's all going to stay in the family, if not the husband, the kids definitely get it. That's probably the premise the parents are working on. Also, all things being equal, who would you rather marry? A cash cow or a kangli?
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You just proved me right again. Why are they assuming her wealth will be there for the husband/kids to fall back on? What if she decides to gamble it all away? Or bequeath it all to a charity?
I think I already answered your second question, but again, here goes: I married a total "kangla" who by the grace of Allah turned out to be the most hardworking, honest and sincere man I've ever known. And Allah SWT has rewarded us with a
very comfortable and secure life.
A person's wealth can change, their ghatiya sonch cannot.
@yeswekhan Arranged marriages are not about the money actually. Arranged marriages have to rely on other more important factors besides the money..such as compatibility. Whether the two share similar likes and dislikes, have the same religion, culture ,values and beliefs etc etc etc are really important factors. And these things matter a LOT in arranged marriages because you are not technically in love with the person yet, however your similarities and or attraction towards one another's personalities make it easier for the two to actually fall in love later down the road. What good is a chunk of land gonna do for your friend if he has "meh"chemistry with the person he has to spend the rest of his life with?! And what good will the wife's money do to the husband if all she spends it on is herself or no one at all (Which as others have pointed out is her right)?! Its not like she'll sell her property to start paying for mundane things such as bills and groceries -__-....Even if she does buy something that both of them can share, like a house, it will still be HER house.
As ghatiya as this thinking may seem to be, when girls and their families do it, they are considered to be practical and all. And then we say the cultural bias is against women ;-)
Your friend may be a bit confused and emotionally unstable right now because of his failed relationship. Which is why he is even considering this rishta.
I strongly suggest saying NO to this rishta because of the simple fact that his heart is not in it. He will marry her now and resent her later because it was not only the wrong time to marry but she will represent a decision made for him by his parents he was not happy with. It will get worse with time too...eventually his parents will become the reason for his unhappiness.
Why make another mistake? Why not just be practical and marry when it makes sense and with someone who he LIKES? Isn't that...common sense?
Forget the money.
He should not be getting married to anyone he doesn't care for.
@yeswekhan Arranged marriages are not about the money actually. Arranged marriages have to rely on other more important factors besides the money..such as compatibility. Whether the two share similar likes and dislikes, have the same religion, culture ,values and beliefs etc etc etc are really important factors. And these things matter a LOT in arranged marriages because you are not technically in love with the person yet, however your similarities and or attraction towards one another's personalities make it easier for the two to actually fall in love later down the road. What good is a chunk of land gonna do for your friend if he has "meh"chemistry with the person he has to spend the rest of his life with?! And what good will the wife's money do to the husband if all she spends it on is herself or no one at all (Which as others have pointed out is her right)?! Its not like she'll sell her property to start paying for mundane things such as bills and groceries -__-....Even if she does buy something that both of them can share, like a house, it will still be HER house.
I completely disagree... most of the things you mentioned like compatibility and "similar values and beliefs" don't matter a single penny in arranged relationships. Mostly because there is not nearly enough interaction to determine such things. The most important things are finances and the compatibility of the parents issuing the rishta... if the parents like each other that's usually good enough.
As for the OP's friend... don't do it bro. Marriage is a commitment... a long one. Not something you wanna rush into or do in some sort of emotionally confused state. Your friend is better off being single for a while... after a very serious and committed relationship, a little bit of time to yourself is the best cure (speaking from experience). Rushing into marriage with someone just for the potential of having some money... not worth it.
As for all the "the money belongs to the wife" posters... honestly, as true as that is... many women in our culture/community have no idea about this. They will give in to whatever their husband/parents say. There is no concept of financial independence in our culture... although this is something that requires some awareness and the potential husbands have to be more honest and fair in terms of not trying to usurp money from their wives. In general this requires the elimination of these "cash cow" type marriages, that don't even really work in the end anyway.
If he did end up getting married to her then either they could live happily ever after or he could end up regretting not standing up to his parents and having no compatibility or love for his wife.
Also what if 5 or 6 years down the line he finds someone whom he is very compatible with and in "love" with, and then decides to either divorce his first wife or marry the other girl as his 2nd wife. And if this does happen to your friend, he should be prepared for the whole world and especially his children when they ask him where was this so called courage when you were marrying the first girl, why didn't you have the guts to say no in the first place.
Also what if 5 or 6 years down the line he finds someone whom he is very compatible with and in "love" with, and then decides to either divorce his first wife or marry the other girl as his 2nd wife. And if this does happen to your friend, he should be prepared for the whole world and especially his children when they ask him where was this so called courage when you were marrying the first girl, why didn't you have the guts to say no in the first place.
So he should just wait? There's no guarantee he will actually find someone 'compatible' a few years down the line and he might find himself in the same situation again.
