My family wants me to meet this guy .There was a gathering and we met briefly, just exchanged names. (At that time I wasn’t in the know at all of my familys plans even though they’re as subtle about this stuff as hailstones on a dark night.)
Me and his siters did hang out for the next few days, his younger sister seemed sweet and caring.The older one was like just introductions and thats it. She kept to herself, now I have the feeling that she was in the know so just avoided convo with me which seems weird.When we were leaving the older sis ignored me completely liek she didnt even know me. A goodbye couldn’t have hurt.Maybe she didn’t liek me for her brother either?
I’m not attracted to the guy at all.I’m petite and he’s the opposite. He’s 5’11 or so and chubby. I feel so guilty that I’m basing my choice on physicality but I’m seriously not attracted to him.
Also we do have a right to choose in Islam right? So why should I feel guilty for wanting someone I’m attracted to? But I feel so shallow. Also there is presure because cuzs have married guys who you wouldn’t picture them with and they’re very happy. But I don’t think I can do that.
Also he lives in the states and his sisters made constant fun of desi’s which sorta pissed me off.They took the ridiculing to a whole new level where it got annoying to me, though I didn’t say anything.I don’t want to be in a situation where they think of me as a FOB and make fun of me.I mean if you’re considering someone from a diiferent country why send mixed signals. They over exaggerated accents and spoke like that all the time.ironically any starnger who passed by would would think thats how ***they ***spoke they had it on so much.
My cuzs were constantly telling me to marry this guy or that guy.It was in seriousness but they said it jokingly.There were one or two I liked but i didnt say anything. it just felt awkward n too much presure. Anyone else felt like this?
The reason I avoided all this so long was because I knew if I didn’t like the guy there would be a stream of whys and no matter what the reason was , they would try to rationale/reason it all away.
I'm like that too...shallow...i had to be attracted to the guy physically, mentally and emotionally to consider him for marriage too...
but this is how i justify it...if i'm not attracted to him, i'm not doing him a favor by marrying him (i'll be unhappy and he'll be unhappy)...who knows if i let him go he'll find a much sweeter and nicer grl that can look past his physical attributes and fall in love with his personality? and therefore she deserves and they would make each other much happy...
trust me its really difficult to force urself to be attracted to someone (i mean it CAN be done...u can always find a couple of things u like vs. dislike abt someone)
and grls start feeling shallow right away when they judge a guy based on looks while guys do it the other way arnd all the time..err so if for whatever reason u dont see urself with him then dont go for it...i think there's always an instinct (the right time, attraction or whatever..that tells u the right person has come along)
good luck
^ So have you already told you parents (or at least your mother) how you feel about the guy? If so then what was their reaction?
no haven't told them. :(
And it's not just the looks.Maybe it was his sisters behaviour and their whole attitude which further put me off?
The other two guys I sorta liked are avg looking too, not stunning or anything so it's definitely not just the looks.
I'm like that too...shallow...i had to be attracted to the guy physically, mentally and emotionally to consider him for marriage too...
but this is how i justify it...if i'm not attracted to him, i'm not doing him a favor by marrying him (i'll be unhappy and he'll be unhappy)...who knows if i let him go he'll find a much sweeter and nicer grl that can look past his physical attributes and fall in love with his personality? and therefore she deserves and they would make each other much happy...
trust me its really difficult to force urself to be attracted to someone (i mean it CAN be done...u can always find a couple of things u like vs. dislike abt someone)
and grls start feeling shallow right away when they judge a guy based on looks while guys do it the other way arnd all the time..err so if for whatever reason u dont see urself with him then dont go for it...i think there's always an instinct (the right time, attraction or whatever..that tells u the right person has come along)
good luck
sorry dont know how to multi quote. Yes thats what I feel like just becuase I marry him doesnt mean I get "rewarded" with an awesome life. That is a heavy expectation/burden to put on someone psychologically. I keep thinking maybe it would've been fine if I was normal rather than ultra petite?.
I wish I could go back & speak up for the guys I did like. In what interaction we did have and they had with others they sounded more compatible & on my wave-length. Think I've messed it all up:(
Unfortunately, this may leave you a lonely old soul. Cuz you know. The right to choose to marry who attracts you is reserved for men, not for women, in our community.
I'm like that too...shallow...i had to be attracted to the guy physically, mentally and emotionally to consider him for marriage too...
but this is how i justify it...if i'm not attracted to him, i'm not doing him a favor by marrying him (i'll be unhappy and he'll be unhappy)...who knows if i let him go he'll find a much sweeter and nicer grl that can look past his physical attributes and fall in love with his personality? and therefore she deserves and they would make each other much happy...
trust me its really difficult to force urself to be attracted to someone (i mean it CAN be done...u can always find a couple of things u like vs. dislike abt someone)
and grls start feeling shallow right away when they judge a guy based on looks while guys do it the other way arnd all the time..err so if for whatever reason u dont see urself with him then dont go for it...i think there's always an instinct (*the right time, attraction or whatever..that tells u the right person has come along) *
good luck
I think the right person did come along but she missed out on the opportunity due to feeling pressurized.Most likely 'cuz of the hard sell by the family-no disrespect to 'em.
True. The younger sister kept telling evryone about my age and that I didn’t look my age at all.
By the third day I asked her in not so many words but to treat me like a human being and not go anouncing it to everyone. I guess that’s what he liked- that I looked young.?
And if the guy didnt like me then it wouldnt be going anywhere either right? so I think I should stop stressing out. Easier said than done.
if you don't feel it, move on or maybe give it some time? However, if the sisters don't have the sincere decency of treating someone respectfully before marriage, go figure how much can change after marriage. Plus, imitating an accent is not really a deal maker. If i see someone I know doing something like that in a disgraceful way, I straight up ask them if that's how they imitate their relatives? rude, but yes knocking some sense into them doesn't really hurt.
So yes, until you click with someone, don't commit. To be honest, you'll always feel the pressure till you get married - its a mindset! Islamically you cannot be forced , but obviously your parents are doing their right full duty :) .
Hang in there - and you'll be fine! You will find someone you click with.
And it's not just the looks.Maybe it was his sisters behaviour and their whole attitude which further put me off?
The other two guys I sorta liked are avg looking too, not stunning or anything so it's definitely not just the looks.
Well you have plenty of reasons. Just tell this to your parents; that you dont like the family or the guy from the time you spent have with them.
You have every right to choose. My friend gets rishtas all the time that are "good on paper" ... Like they have a good job, good personality, attractive, however if she doesn't feel an emotional connection to them or she doesn't get that "butterfly" feeling then she moves on. She just doesn't want to get married for the sake of being married... I couldn't do it either. I need to love that person before.
You should not marry someone you are not attracted to. But how do you determine if you are atteacted to a person just by looking at them from far away at a wedding?
Ask yourself, would you be willing to marry a guy who was georgous but he was a total d-bag? How do you know that this guy that you are rejecting won't be the most attractivr guy in the world once you actually get to know him.
If you at least reject him after talking to him, after realising that you two have nothing in common, then you won't feel lile you are being shallow.
I have had quite a few rishtas that weren't tall enough or skinny enough or didn't have the right haircut. But I didnt look at their picture and reject them. Why? Because I wouldn't want to be judged in that manner. There is more to a person than what they look like.
You should not marry someone you are not attracted to. But how do you determine if you are atteacted to a person just by looking at them from far away at a wedding?
Ask yourself, would you be willing to marry a guy who was georgous but he was a total d-bag? How do you know that this guy that you are rejecting won't be the most attractivr guy in the world once you actually get to know him.
If you at least reject him after talking to him, after realising that you two have nothing in common, then you won't feel lile you are being shallow.
I have had quite a few rishtas that weren't tall enough or skinny enough or didn't have the right haircut. But I didnt look at their picture and reject them. Why? Because I wouldn't want to be judged in that manner. There is more to a person than what they look like.
You are right there is definitely more to a person than what they look like. I explained that it wasnt just his looks, because the other two guys interaction wise was the same and they are not "the most attractive guys in the world". But I still felt that they were more compatible because of when they spoke & their goals and intrests seemed more on my wave length.
Also his sisters attitude n behaviour put me off.
And he wasn't judging me on my awesome personality either was he?!
It's a family situation so if I let it go further and then have the same ans I do now it will get complicated n they might accuse my family who tried to set this up of dragging things on etc & I don't want anyone to go through that.
Also I'm not doing him a favor by choosing him am I?. It has nothing to do with the hair cut or clothes. The other guys I liked are avg looking .Beauty fades so I'm not going to base my decision on that. But I must be attracted to the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
It took me a while but after reading what Paheli00 and others have said I realized I don't have to apologize for not being attracted to a guy.
I find people these days are obsessed with the idea of 'attraction'. As much as physical attraction is important, you cannot rule out mental and emotional attraction which comes with TIME and going through life together.
Attraction is one thing that fades so quickly in a marriage so please do not base your marriage on that. Human beings are like that, we are not permanently attracted to anything. We are attracted to one thing today and to another tomorrow. So base your marriage on something that is long lasting.
I once rejected a very good guy based on his looks and honestly, it's been 4 years now and that is the ONLY decision I regret in my life today (after having experienced several proposals by much nicer looking men).
How do you be passionate with someone youre not physically attracted to?
I feel very sorry for you if your passion is driven by looks. It is going to fade in no time. What will you do for the rest of your life then? leave your wife once she becomes not so physically attractive?
You have every right to choose. My friend gets rishtas all the time that are "good on paper" ... Like they have a good job, good personality, attractive, however if she doesn't feel an emotional connection to them or she doesn't get that "butterfly" feeling then she moves on. She just doesn't want to get married for the sake of being married... I couldn't do it either. I need to love that person before.
lol you people need to come out of your fantasy world then. And please do not label that as 'love'. Loving a person requires much much more effort than butterflies.
But I must be attracted to the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't have to apologize for not being attracted to a guy.
Back when I was single & dating.... there were guys I rejected simply b/c I felt 0 physical attraction towards them. I'm not talking about guys I thought were "ok" looking.....I'm talking about men who actually turned me off. And then finally when I met my husband....I thought he was average looking....yet I choose to take a chance b/c he seemed nice. As I got to know him....the attraction grew. In my opinion....I do believe that there must be SOME sort of initial attraction in the beginning. If you find someone physically repulsive.....then it's not fair to them OR you to pursue a rishta. Especially in a arranged situation....most people don't get the chance to spend a lot of time getting to know each other before baat paaki/nikah...and it's not like you can hold off on certain physical aspects of marriage UNTIL that attraction grows which can take weeks or even months.
YOU are the one who will spend your life with your husband. It won't be your cousins, won't be your parents, and it certainly won't be anyone from this forum. You have to communicate with him and compromise in order to have a successful marriage which of course involves physical intimacy. So NEVER feel guilty about rejecting someone if you feel that he's not "the one" for you (whether it's b/c of his looks or b/c of the way his family behaved or for any other reason). Being single is tons better than getting into a marriage and then realizing that you made a huge mistake...at which point you either go through the drama of divorce OR spend your life being stuck in a unhappy marriage.
But I feel so shallow. Also there is presure because cuzs have married guys who you wouldn’t picture them with and they’re very happy. But I don’t think I can do that.