This thread is upon request from a friend, here I will discuss some personal growth and development subjects. I have taken dozens of personal development courses and am now coaching staff at my corporation and did have a long journey trying to get personal demons somewhat in control. I had been arrested for road rage, had to go thru mandatory counselling for a year which was life changing experience for me and has made me a better father, husband and person. Our biggest problem is we react to things and not respond to them. In desis we have very strong religious and cultural views and perceive different to be bad or wrong where different can be good or just different. I believe we are in charge of our emotions, we chose to be angry or calm, happy or sad etc. Self talk is a great tool in emotional control, I look in the mirror every morning and tell myself that I will be happy and will stay calm and not react to mean awful people. A nasty person is a reflection of himself and not me and life punishes them and I don’t need to ruin my happiness reacting to rudeness. Anyone trying to bully me or abuse me on this nice thread will not get a response from me. Here is a great article.
A reaction is instant. It’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconsciousmind. When you say or do something “without thinking,” that’s the unconsciousmind running the show. A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do or say. A reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. It might turn out okay but often a reaction is something you regret later.
Sometimes you have to retrain your subconscious, there might be negative programming during childhood. My wife would do the desi thing and constantly say negative things about children like yai bahut nikkama, hai, kaam chor hai, lazy hai etc etc she is programming their subconscious to believe he is lazy and useless. If that is the case he will have to tell himself everyday hey I am hard working, I am amazing and I am not useless. Our sports club psychologist makes athletes visualise that they are receiving a gold medal. They sit in a quiet place and close their eyes and visualise. The other way is to be mindful of what you feed your brain. In sales environment there are some sales people who keep reading the negative news about economy, job losses, inflated prices so subconsciously they become negative. If you believe that people who buy in a downturn profit immensely and read about that then subconsciously your presentation, your adjectives, your body language, your tone etc will align.
Religiously speaking religion teaches us to show gratitude and be thankful so if you consciously count your blessings than you will know how many things we can be grateful for. I went to work today and had a really nice chat with Cherie, our Co GM, then the marketing guy comes running to congratulate me etc I keep scores of all the nice things so when something negative comes up I can tell myself that hey so many positives outweigh the negative things.
I see so many people in real life who show absolutely no appreciation or gratitude not to their children, brothers, parents etc. My sisters are visiting from La, one of them tried her utmost to destroy my family and I decided to leave the culture because of her and still chose to forgive her as she is going thru a rough patch in life. I opened my doors to her, we spread the nicest foods for her etc and she still has zero appreciation for the time and effort it takes to do all this stuff. She is also being very negative to her future DIL, her son lives in our city. The DIL made a big effort to befriend her and she just focuses on negative.
good topic Bobby Uncle, I think it depends on person, world is getting reactive and (chirchiri), it’s not only about desis, whole globe is getting hot
well talking about myself, I used to be very reactive so and so too, but since last 3 years I’ve turned myself upside down… I dont know the cause, but I think it’s ALLAH’s blessing.. I have a book to share, but will share just 1 thing… I seriously dont get angry or jealous of my so called (Shareek) dusman, jalne wale, jealous or dont know what they are… Infact, I prays for them instantly after their actions/reactions, lies on my face, that ALLAH forgive them and bless them with Hidayath… I’m gaining control on me, (me apni tareef nahi ker raha because it’s all about ALLAH)… so I’m getting mentally happier day by day… also in some cases I still am very reactive.. but I’m trying my best..
Most of the locals I come across and also people at work are really calm and in my present corporation I have not come across a single person who has been rude or angry towards me. I think we have no tolerance for rudeness in our corporation. In my 6k road trip the only exposure to rudeness was from a drunk Sikh girl. I feel people need to take responsibility and ownership of their attitude. I have seen people who lose their job because they get angry then blame it on Gods will.
I will give example of lovely Bridgette. A very rude older Pakistani uncle was dealing with her and getting angry and even pounding the counter and she never raised her voice, kept her composure and pleasant expressions. Once he left I asked her why she didn’t respond and she said her goal was to get rid of him so he wastes the least moments of her life and if she engaged him it would cause him to stay longer. She also said I can get rid of him but he has to live with himself. There are techniques and science behind these things. Religion and spirituality can be beneficial but religion encourages self improvement and you cant leave emotional well being to chance.
but I’ve a question for you Uncle, what to do with illiterate people on road violating each and every traffic rule and ignoring everyone on road?? and and and, what to do if they are 50-55% people like these?? how to calm yourself then???
Here is how this goes, ask yourself how getting angry makes you feel, ask yourself what are the harmful effects of anger on your health, on your family, on your loved ones and on your performance then ask yourself if getting angry and yelling at one person will change things for better or will make things worse then ask yourself that is it worth jeopardizing your health and well being because many chose to be ignorant? Before leaving home give yourself extra time so you don’t feel rushed. So here is an exercise for you, tell me how you can find positives in this situation?
I’ve read this book and followed the exercises too. It was pretty good. Really helps you figure out which gratitude rituals you can adopt in your daily life. Some things I still do today long after I’ve finished reading it.
Some quotes from the book I like:
“Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some.”
“Whoever has gratitude will be given more, and he or she will have an abundance. Whoever does not have gratitude, even what he or she has will be taken from him or her.”
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
And remember! your Lord caused to be declared (publicly): “If ye are grateful, I will add more (favours) unto you; But if ye show ingratitude, truly My punishment is terrible indeed.”(14:7) Quran
