Ok guys I need some advice. So we have an engagement party booked for May 25th and up until last week my fiance’s mother wanted NOTHING to do with me and my family but somewhere, somehow she did a complete 180 and she now loves me and can’t wait for this wedding to happen. Ok whatever, one problem fixed. But a whole new one has come out of it. They want the engagement party “rescheduled” .
First the problem was that his mother doesn’t believe in engagement parties, well neither do my parents but they wanted to celebrate and my family is much to big to hold it in our house, so we needed a hall. So they’re ok with the hall but not the date because his dad’s cataract surgery is the day after. I’m not sure WHY this is an issue, since it’s the day after.
My parents are not happy to say the least. They think that it’s unfair that they can dictate what they want when my parents are the ones footing the bill. I agree with my parents. Like it’s one day, just come, have fun and be done with it. Normally my parents wouldn’t have an issue rescheduling except that we have 7 out of town guests who are flying in, obviously we don’t want to tell them oh by the way the date’s been changed so yeah. Also, I have a mehdni person booked, MUA, decor and a dj, I would have to reschedule these things.
What do I do? On the one hand all this drama bazi with his mom is over and now this. My parents stance is we’re not rescheduling, if anything we’re canceling it all together, his parents want to reschedule it for another date. I don’t know where to stand on this one. I’ve already talked to the hall and they said rescheduling another date is fine if its available, but my concern is the people flying in, one of which is my 5 months pregnant cousin. I feel like if they say reschedule, I want to say back “well it’s easy for you to say because you don’t have guests flying in”, which is true.
And your fiance......what does he say about this? Does he know about all the vendors that have been booked and the out-of-town family members you have flying in (including your pregnant cousin)?
yea talk to ur fiance. trying explaining it to him that most of the things are finalized and its not possible to reschedule and if thats not an option then ur parents should talk to them clearly. these relationships are very sensitive, u dunt wana start ur new life on a bad foot! u should never give then this impression that they can dictate u and ur parents when ever they want. it can make things very very difficult for u....
if you let them push you around now, after everything is done, it sets a precedent that they can do this whenever they want.
Normally I'd say, be flexible but they clearly weren't esp his mother by ignoring you for so long.....and its not practical for your side to bend to their will.
If they are as willing for this wedding to happen as they now seem to be, they should be willing to listen to reason and realise the effort yourself and your parents have put into this engagement party and be polite enough to go along with it. If this is the fuss over the engagement, imagine what organising the wedding will be like!
Try approaching your MIL through your fiance. It is important to get him on side.
Best of luck, just keep your cool, you don't want to give them any reason to point the finger of blame at you and say "look she is as unreasonable and awful as we though until 2 seconds ago"
Yes my fiance knows all of this and he agrees with me. He's even told his parents and they're still having issues with it. They invited us over for dinner on Saturday and I'm going lay out the following points VERY clearly to them - ME, not my parents. I have a voice and opinion too and I will voice it:
If everyone was in Toronto, then I wouldn't have a problem rescheduling. To me it makes NO sense to reschedule and disrupt peoples travels plans when all I require is 5 hours of their time and participation.
I've put a lot of effort, planning and thought into this and I would appreciate it if they would just participate. Again it's just 5 hours of their time on a Saturday night and I'll gladly take their input on things if they so wish.
It's easy for them to say oh just reschedule it, but they don't have family and friends flying in from the US and they don't have to call them and tell them to reschedule. Would they be so willing to do this had we told them to reschedule?
Also, yes I'm VERY aware that my future MIL is being fake to me but apparently I'm the only one that sees this. Everyone else just sees a very lovely woman.
^ Has your fiance figured out who exactly wants to reschedule this? Is his DAD ok with having the party that day? And here's the most important thing.....Will his dad show up that day without the mom (since it's his eye surgery that's being used an an excuse? Is your fiance willing to go through with the party without his mother and/or father there?
I know you have an opinion and all.....but given the tense situation, I think you should let your fiance and your parents do the talking during the dinner. That way your MIL won't have ammunition again you specifically (ie. oh Terebina786 spoke rude to me, she doesn't know how to show respect etc.).
^^ Apparently it's his dad who wants to reschedule because 2013 is a bad year for them (13 is an unlucky number.. um ok) and his eye surgery is the day AFTER the party.
My thing is a) it's happening in 2013 regardless, so really thats not an excuse and b) his eye surgery is they day AFTER, again not an excuse.
I wasn't born yesterday though. I know his mom's known for months now and refused to participate until she did her 180 and now loves me and I know his dad is just protecting his mom and her stupidity and is coming up with all these excuses that still make no sense.
I guess I'll have to keep my mouth shut and hope that they're reasonable people.
^ Soooo here’s the million dollar question…if you keep the party on that same day, and if your fiance’s mom and dad refuse to attend…will your fiance participate without them?
^ Well, if your fiance and you insist on having his parents present at the party.....then your only 2 options here to convince them to come on this date...or re-schedule/cancel the party.
TBH if this is me, I'd just cancel it all together. In situations like yours, it's best to have the least amount of events as possible b/c each event gives the other other the opportunity to create drama which leads to stress/arguments.
The only thing with cancelling is that you lose all your deposits on and while it may not be much in terms of a MUA or a DJ, venues usually charge quite a bit and will not return your deposit typically. So there's a bit of a financial loss happening there. Can you not bring that up too and say rescheduling is not an option for your side and if you cancel, you stand to lose x amount of money? Would they be willing to recoup your parents loss? I'm thinking probably not but its another thing for them to consider. And if they do insist on cancelling, ask them if they'd be willing to put the money lost on this party into the wedding or valima budget? They need to realize there are consequences.
Before all of this though, please speak to your fiancé and clearly outline all of what you have decided so he can be on board and faces no surprises. This is not an important enough occasion, in the grand scheme of things, for the two of you to have a falling out. And ask your fiancé if he would be ok with one or both parents of his not being there too.
However it goes down, remain CALM. This is crucial. Be patient, be your lovely self and be respectful. You don't want to give them any reason to blame you.
I'm just beyond over all this drama. If they really aren't having it on that date I'll talk to my parents and either reschedule to a later date or use the hall + vendors for another event next year. It really isn't worth the potential hissy fit she'll throw about us "taking him over" (yes that was one of her complaints before). My other reason for doing this was my dada is old, not well and my only grandparent left. We're getting married next year and if he doesn't live to see that I'll be heart broken.
Can't they reschedule the surgery? :/ If they are worried about it all, a little function can give them a break from the stress and they can be happy for their son.
Everything at one side and your grandfather on the other. If I were you, I would have done it for him. If not a function, at least a family gathering where everyone can celebrate. Rescheduling it would be a good idea, if they are not co-operating at all.
I know it sounds mean but I think you should go ahead with it, use your dada as the excuse like they are using his dad. The reason I'm saying this is because it seems so strange that your MIL took a complete U-turn regarding you and the marriage. It looks like she is trying to get you to cancel this one, and then when you try to reschedule the event she will make more excuses. She is just trying for this event not to happen so that it doesn't ever happen.
^this. Ur MIL= Seem okay with it and then post pone -delay delay delay the marriage however possible. Also if u dont reschedule she has her ammo to tell her son that your not even considerate, ur still holding a grudge etc.Clever little game .
I'd say stick to the date, it's nothing earth shattering .It's easier to reschedule an eye op than a huge engagement bash & you'll loose out $$$ on vendors too.
How long ago did they know about the surgery date?
I would question why she wants it moved to begin with, ie her real reasoning because the surgery date just sounds like an excuse to cause more drama...not have an engagement party, etc etc.
like everyone else said above, talk to your fiance becuase this type of situation will keep happening over and over again if your MIL gets away with it one time.
My other reason for doing this was my dada is old, not well and my only grandparent left. We're getting married next year and if he doesn't live to see that I'll be heart broken.
I hope you don't mind me asking but what is the reason behind not having the wedding this year? The longer its delayed, the more time/opportunities his mom has to create drama.
If I had 1 grandparent alive who is old, not well etc. and I wanted him/her to see my wedding.....I would go ahead and do the nikah asap. Instead of focusing on a engagement party, I would be putting the time/energy into planning the nikah. And if for some reason rukhsati can't happen right now....then wait to do that until next year.
I get the fact that every girl dreams about her wedding and how she wants it to be. But in the grander scheme of things, the wedding is only ONE day (or a series of days). If there are more important priorities like the grandfather's health - I'd make compromises on how elaborate one event (the nikkah) was so that he could participate in it.
And as for the MIL creating a fuss - again, this is where the couple need to pick and choose their battles. No one says let the in-laws walk all over them, but be strategic in how you manage the relationship. Maybe by turning the engagement party into the nikkah for the sake of the grandfather shows that it's not merely a party, rather it has a greater purpose - to ensure the grandfather's attendance.
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