I have three kids. Two of them are relatively fair complexioned (like their mother) and my elder daughter (4 years) has average wheatish complexion (like myself). Needless to say that I love them all and thank Allah for such beautiful set of blessings. My wife get all sorts of negative comments regarding complexion of my elder daughter from relatives and acquaintances like “howww, yeh kis pay chali gayi”, “tumhari beti nahin lagti” etc. and many other comments that hurt her. Nobody has ever made a hideous remark in my presence perhaps they know that I will deep fry them on the spot.
Now the question in short is
How to silence such people without being rude to elders especially
I have tried to convince my wife in different ways but it seems this thing has done a number on her and she keeps worrying like ‘what will happen if she keeps getting such remarks when she grow up’
My major concern is that this thing should not induce some sort of inferiority complex in my daughter. she is too young at the moment and perhaps unaware of whats going on around her but it should not affect her in the long run
I have a suggestion … but its not a politically correct one. when it comes to the well being of my child … i don’t give a damn about whom I offend, be they elder or younglings … simply because they have chosen not to extend me the same courtesy.
Anyhow, I suggest you and your wife be absolutely blunt and firm in telling the commentators how offensive their comments are, and clearly ask them to refrain from making such comments as they are not constructive and question the work of god.
when my baby was born she was also bit dark me n huby both are very fair complexioned n yes who ever came to visit her we used to hear the same comment n literally me n huby gave shut up call to everyone, yes it was rude but we were so clear dont try to give any negative comment on our daughter we clearly told everyone tht we are not going to hear any negative sort of comment especially when we went to Pakistan.
EXACTLY the same situation here. My son and my younger daughter have a very fair complexion (like their mum) and my elder daughter who just turned 5 a few days ago is not as fair as the others, ie more like my side of the family.
And just like in your case, nobody ever dares to say anything in front of me. But my wife has been telling me about people who do pass comments about my elder daughter. The weird thing is: It’s mostly Aunties who are a bit on the darker side themselves.
I don’t know if my daughter is aware of these comments but I have noticed that in the recent past she has shown a significantly increased interest in dressing up, make-up kits, etc. Maybe that’s just natural at this age and has nothing to do with this. I don’t know. But it does concern me.
this is what exactly I have done in past and would do in future if required. I didn’t even spare my daughter’s father and dadi because nobody has the right to give mean and insulting remarks over someone’s looks esp of a child.
I agree with ehl-e-chamman’s advise too . Instead of worrying take action and stop such people then and there. Your daughter will know that it is not acceptable that anyone start giving remarks on her looks and if anyone does it needs to be corrected.
I have 3 daughters too, 2 are relatively fairer than the middle one, but no one has said anything to me on my face yet, maybe I dont meet aunties so much .. so moral of the story, stop meeting aunties, who have nothing better to do as to comment on such silly matters.
Haha aunties being dark themselves and commenting on a kid. Its obvious, that your elder daughter took your features, which is nothing bad, infact she is cute girl, I dont know these aunties, make my blood boil sometimes. lol
But by being defensive/offensive on this, arent you implicitly implying to the other person that your child’s darker tone matters to you, and that you are sensitive about it? If someone says your child is sanwali, why not just turn around the conversation by saying how exotic that is, and how you wish your other kids were also as dark?
I agree with ehl-e-chaman and silaaj on this one.
Your wife needs to do the same as you would if anyone said anything. Who knows if these aunties are making comments infront of the child and how will the child take those comments. Stop those comments before they have any effect on the child’s confidence.
What is more important for your wife, her child’s self esteem and confidence or how would those aunties think of her(your wife) ?
and want to add that if the child is 5 years or more in age then you should also take some steps to re-enforce
their confidence and self-esteem because if they even over-hear such comments their mental state will be impacted.
we can defend our kids when these comments are made in our presence but we really need to arm them against such attacks when we are not around…
In my family, I’m the girl that has the darker complexion (like my dad). I remember alot of family members making comments, including my grandmother (dadi) about how I was dark and not fair like my mom. These comments were always made to my mom and I can’t imagine what my dad would have said if someone had said this in front of him.
I can’t remember my mom ever putting anyone in their place. But I do remember her saying many times that “she’s just like her dad” and to me she’d say, " why wouldn’t you want to be just like your dad." And since my dad is literally the most awesome person I know, I think that’s all that needed to be said. Thankfully, I never had much of an inferiority complex due to my complexion. I’m glad that of all the things my identity and self-respect are tied to, complexion wasn’t one of them, and I have my parents to thank for that.
I’ll still get comments from aunties and my MIL about how my coloring is not like my mom’s to which I’ll reply, “yeah, i took after my dad.”
What’s with desis and rang anyway?? I always found sanwala rang very attractive ..
My daughter is also sanwali .. I love her and think she’s the cutest little girl mA Why does color matter so much?? I’ve never had people comment on her color .. yet! I’ll make sure to put them all in their place if they ever comment on my daughters looks .. how dare they?
Unfortunately .. for many desi people fair skin=beautiful.
My dark-skinned cousin married a dark-skinned guy and they both had their first child…a dark-skinned baby girl about a couple months ago. Logical pattern here, right?
So my Tayi fulfills the formality of “darkening” my cousin’s doorstep and congratulating her. And while assessing the baby, Tai Ji declares that her color is dark. Now this was news for my cousin; she wouldn’t have known otherwise. :rollseyes: Mind you, Tayi is prettttty dark herself. She then remarked that her own son was like that as a baby. That son is now in his late twenties and is of a wheatish complexion. Maybe Tayi said it as a strange “consolation”…who knows? I do find it odd that she only mentioned her son and ever-so-conveniently forgot about her 20-something daugther who is dark skinned. She also didn’t think about her dark-skinned grandson.
My cousin was very angry…but maybe not as much as me when I found out about this. I doubt she said anything back to Tayi Ji. Had it been me, I would have put her in her place. It’s hard for me to give the woman the benefit of the doubt as she has developed a track record for idiotic behavior. I do agree with the person above who said that getting defensive reinforces the “stigma” …praise and support would be more effective.
Sounds like my family. I am pretty light and my sister is tanned. I didn’t understand the implications of this when I was younger but looking back I can see that under different circumstances my sister could have had it a lot worse. My parents never let either of us grow up with hang ups about skin color. We were regularly complimented by our parents on the pretty things that made us individuals for instance my sister has the most beautiful hair while for me it was my hands. As long as skin was clean and dewy, it was never brought up.
My relatives do comment about it and my mother just says that she gets it from her dad and then prattles on about how much like our dad she is. I do think hers is a special case though, because she is obviously exceedingly gorgeous and her tan skin just completes her look. The negative comments she gets are from mothers of not so good looking daughters and because it is so obvious, my sister doesn’t take any offence. I guess what im trying to say is, exploit the crap out of the cuteness of your kids and make sure they know what makes them good looking. Teach them some modesty while your at it and there you go, no problem.
The contempt for dark skin is deeply rooted in our society and it goes both ways, it really does. By acting aggressive and being overly defensive, you are simply reinforcing that inferiority and showing how deeply aware you are about your child’s so called ‘flaw’. Why are we even treating a comment of dark complexion as a criminal offense? Is it seriously that bad? Especially when you know that dark skinned child has clearly taken after one parent or a close family member, why not treat comment on complexion just like a comment on eye colour, hair colour etc etc, I see white kids getting comments on their eye colours and hair colour everyday and guess what mothers just shrug it off smile and say he’s got it from his father, granny, aunt, etc etc and all that eventually turns into an intersting and friendly conversation with exchange of smiles. The day desis mothers also adopt this attitude instead of resorting to slapping, verbal abuse or calling police over a complexion related comment, I’m sure both the parents and the child will be in a so much peaceful position.
Let me tell you one thing, as a child, everytime someone would say something not so nice about my features, I swear I’d become more aware of my so called flaw and concerned about my appearence by seeing my mother’s often aggressive and offensive reaction than by actually realising the political incorrectness of the remark that was said to me or about me.
If anyone did that about a child in front of me, i would genuinely say .. Awe I knowwww isn’t he/she just gorgeous… How lucky to be such a beatiful brown colour… And If they say anything more negative I’d act overly shocked and say omg Allah ki di huee cheeze ko critisize Karne ham Kaun hote hain??! And literally embarras them , they should know this! Add further, ab aap ka bhi rang same hai iski tarah and look how handsome/ beautiful you are!!!
Why does color matter so much?? I’ve never had people comment on her color .. yet! I’ll make sure to put them all in their place if they ever comment on my daughters looks .. how dare they?