Religion & matters of the heart

Lifestyle Relationships
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Someone I know has been together with this very nice gentleman for a while now. They get along very well and have been talking about marriage. However, this girl is having second thoughts now because he isn’t a praticing muslim as she is. He doesn’t believe that one needs to fulfil their namaz obligations, keep roza and all that and now he’s been telling her to stop being so religious. That is bothering her and she has decided to break up. He is heartbroken…and well, so is she, but at this time she feels that her faith is being questioned.

There are no other problems between them, even the families know each other and are supportive of their relationship. Her point is that he judges her on her choices and she does the same in return, and so the possibility if compromise seems low.

What do you think should be done here?

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

i think she made a right choice to go her way. its in hadees too that while choosing a partner go for a pious one. So if they both r not on same page abt religion it will not only affect their relation but also kid's brought up issues wil arise later on.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

^exactly, I read in a hadith too that one should choose a partner who is at least as good as him/herself in faith so they can help each other and know their rights and responsibilities in Islam.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

BTW, I'm not saying that she can't marry him. Infact, if she thinks she can make him a better muslim without having to compromise her beliefs then nothing would be better than that but she needs to make sure that he doesn't violate her right to follow what she believes in.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

A lot of muslims get married where the level of religious dedication of one of them is significantly different from their spouse.
A times they tend to deal with each other as it is..and at othertimes there are problems are arise as Mabrook said above.
There is a hadith that speaks of what MEN look for in a woman and suggests that all those who marry for anything other than the faith/islam of the women are khawsireen (<?) losers. If the girl's Islam is strong and she is mature enough she can eventually change the man - InshaAllah.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

CA is right....if she feels that by being together she will be able to continue practising as she wishes without being judged then she might have a chance.

Another important point will be what the level of maturity is with respect to social activities. I have found that when there is a fundamental disagreement in matters of religion then this extends into social activities and becomes really very taxing on a fledgling relationship.

They both need to talk it through.
She sounds like a wonderful person......dedicated, honest and steadfast in her imaan.
He sounds like an average guy that hasn't quite solidified his faith and needs some more time to fully understand the direction that he wants to take. (My use of the word "average" is not meant to offend btw. It's just many guys take longer to get to the straight and narrow than girls do.)

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i think this girl is dumb..

Love online
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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

I have seen couples make it - where after a while one convinces the other to change religiously and the other way around as well - where religion becomes a battleground.

You add kids in to the mix and you got trouble.

These are things to think through. If they are both mature enough they can talk it out. If they can't, I think they should go their own ways.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

there is zero point in getting married to anyone hoping they would change.

either get comfy with each others choices, or forget it.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

^ Agree

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Although i agree with all the viewpoints posed.

I am taking the brave leap again to provide another perpective.

Niksik:

You are perfectly right, that a husband who does not pray, does not fast, does not doing anythign religious and tells her to stop practicing is extremly bad.

But id like to point, out, before trying to get a couple separated, which is the most disliked legal act by Allah, i would like to remind the lady to also be objective and consider her husbands good points -if he has any ofcourse.

If she or her parents marrid this guy, they must have seen some worthy qualities or habits of his?

I mean there is a lot of stress and pressure in demands modern life, and some pple ease themself by either forgeting al duniya and going towards deen=becoming molvi, and some people kind of forget deen while trying to work hard and find halal rozi for thier family.

Its very hard in todays competitive and expensive enviroment for a single working parent to furfill his and his familes needs while also maintaining a social rep/status and other necceseties.

So if this man is using the legs and hands Allah has given him to good use- which is also a form of worship- this is a very praiseworhty act.
no one is perfect and maybe he alreayd is finding it hrad enough to furfill this main duty of his.
And as long as he is not doing any other major haraam, i think hes not that bad as being portrayed.

I know a lot of men who prays 5 times, keep all fasts, do haaj/umra---but then thats the only thing they do....they dont work and sit on thier ass claiming state support.
this can be compared to like beggin for your sustenance....something which nabi-pak coindemded greatly.

i remember a sahih hadith like:

nabi-pak said.... a muslim should never beg for his sustenacne, it is better for him to to buy and axe chop trees and sell firewood.

^basically the hadith implies, the virtue of a man who strives to feed his family with his labour and halal earnings.

earning and feeding your family from hardwork and honest means is also a high form of worship.

And i also seea lot of ladies coming into gupshup complaingin about thier huubies flaws.

while i understand this, and agree, i would also emphazize that they should at the same time consider how many goods thier hsband also do for them, and to be also grateful for that.

and im not condeming any gupshup ladie, and im not any better than anyone myself but i remeber another relevant sahaih hadith which is:

''the dwellers of hell will be mostly women, due to thier ungratefulness towards thier husbands.''

I just narrated this hadith for awareness anfd not offensive purposes.

So in summary:

All im saying is before judging somebody you should look all thier traits.

If he is a lazy sod, not bothered to work, sitting at home, not reading namaz, flirting with ladies etc...then i shun him more than anyone else, and agree he needs serious help.

By the way NIKSIK didnt u post a very similar thread some months back.

Didnt you help your friend implement the strategies advised by people in that thread?

Or is this another ppls timewasting threads?

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

me to agree, i think girl did a good decision.

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

faith is a very dear thing. what hurts to know is that very unreligious people feel that they are entitled to question another person's religiosity.

the scam of round about talks, cultural whipping of norms is not what can ever win these people the argument that they are better worshippers of whoever they believe in and then expect others to believe in and worship the god the same way.

if two people can stop talking about faith, it is better. if they feel that the relationship is strong in and of itself and they are not criminals and munafiq, that they do have personal integrity to the extent of good morality, then their relationship is alive and will continue.

but the moment people are referring to each other in a manner that one of them expect the other to change, it will be a very short lived and miserable relation.

a lot of it may have to do with the up bringing of the domineering individual, normally a male, who thinks that he is right and his version of faith is better and purer than whatever the other person believes.

people do not use kind wordings also, and that makes it a lot more tougher for a right minded inidividual to acknowledge each other's faith or ritualistic thinking behind how they think, that they follow their faith.

whether one goes to pray in a worship place or not, is that person's matter. and no one should expect their spouse to be the same as they are in matter of faith exactly alike. they should try as good open minded friends, to understand each other's thinking.

for instance, why someone prays by sitting a certain way or standing a certain way and how much of this person's head is covered while praying, vs. is that person a cheater, liar, killer, amoral individual?

whether one says a certain verse always or not. says the greeting in a considered religious way or not, are meaningless things, when the rest of the actions in treating other people, women and men, children and elderly are all inhuman and unkind.

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I would say to not go for it especially if they are having any 'arguments'(lack of a better word) before marriage. We should never marry someone expecting them to change, if we can adjust go ahead otherwise we should not make this mistake and fool ourselves, as Queer also said.

Besides what Islam asks to look in a potential spouse, I beleive these type of marriages normally have lot of heated arguments and it becomes worse after the kids. My sis is a practising muslimah mashaAllah and he married to a totally different guy, and at that time the guy said he wont stop or crticise from anything but today she isnt even allowed to read an Islamic book. Although she NEVER argues or try to convince him to follow this or that. So she should not become emotional even if the guy says she wont have any problem etc etc..

May Allah swt help her to take the right decision, which will benefit her in this world aswell as there hereafter.

P.S I didn't mean marry a totally isolated guy, but I guess life becomes a lot easier if we marry someone who share same beleifs/lifestyle. Be it a non practising girl marrying a practising guy or vice versa

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

Amir, my gosh if you had spent as much time reading Niksiks post as you did writing your own, you would see that the couple are not even married.

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If she feels she is not gonna change for him then she should not expect any change from him either. They are not compatible so parting ways are the best option.
BTW they are not married so what sorrta relationship they have where they get along so well?

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

Practicing religion or not is one thing, (even if we assume religion to be a personal matter, which it actually is not, ) and refraining others esp your SOs or to be SOs is another. Such compromises wont work long. I believe your friend made the right choice. You should be supportive to both of them. Its just that they dont seem to be meant for each other.

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praaji, no that was a completely different thread :smack: Ab mein itni bhi budhi nai :barbie:

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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

Oh ho…sorry mai bholl gaya.

in that thread they were married :smack:

Wht r u doing ?
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Re: Religion & matters of the heart

That's so sad. It's so difficult to find somebody you get along with enough to marry, but religion always comes first, you know? You should never marry somebody thinking they'll change, marry that person for who they are. They both deserve to find people suitable for one another.