I got married recently and alhamdullilah things are great. The only thing is that my khalas acted up at my wedding, walked out in the middle and broke my mom’s heart. Now I hate them for that and will never forgive them. What happened is a long story and I’m not here to vent I just want to know why do desi families have so much drama and family politics involved? Why can’t everyone just be happy for one another? We stopped talking to my khalas and they annoy the hell out of me. We helped them out so much when they first came to USA and now this is how they repay us.
My husband’s side is so huge and so loving I wish he could get the same from my side but I don’t see that happening nor do I want it. I know distance is key to people like these but how do you gupans deal with rotten relatives like the above?
Re: Relatives
Im no guppan but wow, why did they do that after coming to the wedding? I mean they could have just stayed out of it, rather than ruining a once in a life time thing for someone!
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It isnt only in Desi families that this goes on....its hard yeah? There really isnt much you can do about it other than turn the other cheek and practice forgiveness.
Funny, my hubbys family, all desis - are all jewels. Well except for maybe one Uncle but he's just a harmless pain-in-the butt. But on my side - the goris - its my mom who is the disrupter. My hubby, bless his soul, just keeps smiling, respecting and taking whatever she dishes out. Not much else you can do yeah?
It isnt only in Desi families that this goes on....its hard yeah? *There really isnt much you can do about it other than turn the other cheek and practice forgiveness. * Funny, my hubbys family, all desis - are all jewels. Well except for maybe one Uncle but he's just a harmless pain-in-the butt. But on my side - the goris - its my mom who is the disrupter. My hubby, bless his soul, just keeps smiling, respecting and taking whatever she dishes out. Not much else you can do yeah?
True Mama but it gets very frustrating at times and its a very difficult thing to do. What does your mom do to your hubby?
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In my experience, there is no solution to this problem. I dont have a particularly disruptive family...we have our spats every now and then but they get resolved pretty quickly. I think the key to keeping family peace is making sure things get cleared up as soon as possible.
That way, resentment doesnt build up.
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You went against an arranged marriage and married someone who you liked and wanted to be with. Not just that but you two are in love and happy together. Those are things that not many people or relatives can take.. jealousy and envy builds up very fast. Like you said, you are ignoring them for what they did with your mom, I think you're doing the right thing. Your mom's respect is yours, if they can't be grateful and courteous for everything your mom has done for them then I don't see how those relatives would have ever been happy for you genuinely. You're now with who you wanted to be with mA, enjoy your married life. Don't let others who don't matter bother your new life, people come and go, that's how it always is.. but you have your spouse with you who loves you so don't even think about such relatives.
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There are small-minded people everywhere, motivated by ignorance and insecurities. Don't let them hurt you.
Enjoy the time together with those you truly care for and return the affection. I guess in this situation I would be hurt and annoyed (hate it when people don't adore me :D ) and may spend too much time worrying about it. But outwardly, I would keep my distance and hope for the best.
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Recite "Inna fatah'na laka fat'ham mubeena" (the first ayah of Surah Fatah) whenever you come across them. It acts as an anti spray for all the germs and bacterias that try to harm our spirit. I swear even my worst enemies lost their ability to harm me in any way when they had the best opportunity to do so (After I recited this ayah).
Expect only bad behavior from them. We are mostly hurt when we do a lot of favors to people and (naturally) expect at least a good behavior in return.
Try to avoid them as much is possible within moral limits, but don't let go of any opportunity of doing good to them if it does not take too much of your time and energy. We never know when Allah (s.w.t) bless them with hidaya (guidence) but we should be satisfied that we never violated the intense emphasis made in the Quran and Hadith of doing good to our relatives. In a hadith the prophet (saw) even said, **" If you want your Rizq to be increased and your life time to be lengthened, do good to your relatives"
Just forgive them by consoling yourself with the following thoughts (based on facts):
**
1. It is not their fault. Out of 1000000 billions of people in the world since Hazrat Adam (a.s) till the the day of judgment, why did Allah (s.w.t) chose them to become your relatives. May be it is a test from Allah (s.w.t) to test your patience to see if you forgive people for HIS love, as after all they are creation of Allah (s.w.t) and it was HIS decision to make them your relatives.
**
2.** There are may people around you who have even worse relatives then your relatives. At least I myself know people who have done things to their relatives which I can't even mention here. Your relatives are a lot better than those.
**
3. There are more blessings of Allah (s.w.t) on the people who **forgive and forget (for the love of Allah) then on people who behave the way your relatives did.
4. Forgiving them is your way of thanking Allah (s.w.t) for not making you and your parents like them. After all, if you are not like them, it is not because of your own quality but a blessing of Allah (s.w.t) upon you and your parents.
I might be totally wrong, but this is how I sincerely feel and how my elders have taught me. May Allah (s.w.t) forgive me if I am wrong anywhere. Allah (s.w.t) knows BEST!
Sister, May Allah (s.w.t) bless your relationship with your husband with "Barakah" and bless us all with wisdom and strength to deal with our relatives in the best possible way.
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Desigirl...my mom doesnt do anything specific to my hubby, its just that she has a very nasty disposition. It got worse and worse as the years went on, I mean she was the best mom anyone could have while I was growing up. But when she reached senior citizen age, she just turned into a very mean person. Some of her comments could just break your heart but we all have learned to accept that this is how she is now. We take whatever she dishes out with a smile and try to let it roll off our backs. Tough thing to do sometimes! But I've seen this in other aging women too. Maybe its got to do with hormones, maybe its just something that happens to some women as they age. Its a very sad thing to see, esp since I have such great memories with her. So we accept, we respect, we give her much love and we let her know that we need her. Maybe when WE get old and mean, we will get the same. But I told my hubby after one particularly horrible day with my mom "If I ever get that nasty when I'm old, just take me out back and shoot me" lol, j/k
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Jealously and insecurities of people.
Best if you maintain distance and coolness with all relatives.
Don't be dependent on anyone and don't expect anything from anyone.
Desigirl...my mom doesnt do anything specific to my hubby, its just that she has a very nasty disposition. It got worse and worse as the years went on, I mean she was the best mom anyone could have while I was growing up. But when she reached senior citizen age, she just turned into a very mean person. Some of her comments could just break your heart but we all have learned to accept that this is how she is now. We take whatever she dishes out with a smile and try to let it roll off our backs. Tough thing to do sometimes! But I've seen this in other aging women too. Maybe its got to do with hormones, maybe its just something that happens to some women as they age. Its a very sad thing to see, esp since I have such great memories with her. So we accept, we respect, we give her much love and we let her know that we need her. Maybe when WE get old and mean, we will get the same. But I told my hubby after one particularly horrible day with my mom "If I ever get that nasty when I'm old, just take me out back and shoot me" lol, j/k
mamaof3 it could be age. once a person gets older he/she changes totally and starts to act like kids. my grandfather is like this as well. he eats lollies like kids, has diabetes and wont stop. in ramandan he started to fast and wouldnt drink even a single drop of water and got so sick. he would give call to my uncles living several hundered km to come and see him ASAP and they have to, leaving their business and work behind and noone dares to speak up to him. if anyone does than he will curse and swear etc.
but all of his sons love him so much and i think he is so lucky that even annoying and acting like this so much his sons and DIL are available to support him all the time.
but end of the day everyone loves him so much and he has kept all of him sons united together. on eid all the extended family stay with him and we enjoyed spending time with him.
I got married recently and alhamdullilah things are great. The only thing is that my khalas acted up at my wedding, walked out in the middle and broke my mom's heart. Now I hate them for that and will never forgive them. What happened is a long story and I'm not here to vent I just want to know why do desi families have so much drama and family politics involved? Why can't everyone just be happy for one another? We stopped talking to my khalas and they annoy the hell out of me. We helped them out so much when they first came to USA and now this is how they repay us. My husband's side is so huge and so loving I wish he could get the same from my side but I don't see that happening nor do I want it. I know distance is key to people like these but how do you gupans deal with rotten relatives like the above?
desi girl we had the same problem when i got married..........few days before our mehandi our cousin(3rd cousin) was arrested for fraud and whole family was so up set as he was orphan and my parents felt so much for him. eveyone wanted to cancell mehandi and shorten other functions. but we all protested and eventually he was released on bail and he turned up on wedding.
my mami (no 1) was acting so weired with many other relatives. making faces and passing comments on everything.
dads cousins had problems with my cousins (and they accused my cousin of supporting our 3rd cousin of fraud) but he was innocent and there was family war, just few days before wedding.
dad's cousins eventually agreed to attend the wedding but turned up to welcome barat fully DRUNK...and started to dance in front of barat and act weired. and the movie man fully recorded their acts and we still have it in our wedding video.
relatives are so hard to please regardless of how they are related to you.
Re: Relatives
at my wedding my mom and my phupho had a huge fight. i mean it was pretty dramatic, i know this is gonna be bad but i was glad that at least it wasnt ME fighting with my mom on my wedding day in front of all the aunties, but they made up afterwards any way they have like 30 years together that rishta isnt abt to break (yeah i kno how that last sentence sounds :halo: )
boo hoo. cry me a river.
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Is all this drama only existent in desi families?
When I tell my non desi girlfriends what happened they really can't believe it and are like OMG are u serious? lol
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half of the family didn't show up to this one wedding in the summer...eventhough they were in town. Some of the family didn't even bother calling the shadi house. I think that was pretty assholish. Especially that some of the people actually text messaged saying they won't make it to the shadi. I felt for the guy who was getting married. His phuppos were being whores and started this drama. His dads side of the family all bought the phuppos story and didn't go to the wedding, or didn't even bother calling to congratulate or anything. Whats worse is, that some of his family actually sided and BOUGHT the phuppos story.
I hope families like that...especially women like that would burn in hell and on earth. These people deserve no respect. These people are whats wrong with our society.
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Riya, stop kharaabing masoom girls
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^ 
Me? I’m so masoom myself :halo:
half of the family didn't show up to this one wedding in the summer...eventhough they were in town. Some of the family didn't even bother calling the shadi house. I think that was pretty assholish. Especially that some of the people actually text messaged saying they won't make it to the shadi. I felt for the guy who was getting married. His phuppos were being whores and started this drama. His dads side of the family all bought the phuppos story and didn't go to the wedding, or didn't even bother calling to congratulate or anything. Whats worse is, that some of his family actually sided and BOUGHT the phuppos story.
I hope families like that...especially women like that would burn in hell and on earth. These people deserve no respect. These people are whats wrong with our society.
Wow that must have been harsh. Well you know I strongly believe in what goes around comes around. So time will tell.