What do you think is the best strategy to follow in terms of maintaining a healthy, friendly and open relationship with kids , at various stages of growing up. In Particular , around 7 years of age and on wards?
Re: Relationship with kids
Just tell them that God tells you everything even when they are hiding something.
=( You know I was told my mom sees dreams every time I lie. So I just couldnt lie to her even when i was older. That was one of the things she did
Re: Relationship with kids
I love that. I am doing that!
Re: Relationship with kids
Just tell them that God tells you everything even when they are hiding something.
=( You know I was told my mom sees dreams every time I lie. So I just couldnt lie to her even when i was older. That was one of the things she did
Ah, lying to your kids, desi parenting strategy since the beginning of desi time.
We have opted not to lie to our child, we think that telling her the truth will help her trust us in the future, we don't lie to her about anything, we find it a poor strategy.
So you lie to them so they don’t lie back to you?
Re: Relationship with kids
Communicate with them. Not just from age 7 and on wards but from the very start. About everything and anything. Tell them how you feel about certain things and ask them to tell you how they feel about it. I think healthy communication is the key to any good relationship. You will be amazed at what your kid thinks about, what kind of thoughts go through their head and what he/she feels about certain things.
And for God sake, don’t start scolding the poor child because he/she told you something you didn’t want to hear 
....
Re: Relationship with kids
Keep the communication open but don't be just a friend. A parent needs to be a parent, a friendly open parent but a parent. Have rules and expect them to follow those rules but allow them to breathe and be responsible for their things and decisions. Kids are brilliant and creative and they see, feel things differently so always ask and listen to their opinion and offer them a chance to pick and choose their options and let them deal with consequences but say I told you so in a nicer way. :p
If all else fails.. do what my ammi did, chalo utho aur yeh dramaybaazi band kero!!! Cue the stare of death.
Re: Relationship with kids
Lol cue stare of death. Love it. My stare of death is faulty but I agree solidly a parent needs to be a parent. No need to just be a friend. Kids need structure and discipline. It anchors them. You need to be the inner voice till they develop the morals and sense to have their own regarding right and wrong
Re: Relationship with kids
you know I agree with most of what you guys say. What scares the freak out of me though, is what I see around in real life. Some of my really good friends are friendly and open with their kids , them being mostly teenagers, now , I realize that its that age that can cause issues but still I see them , friends , struggling to get some control over their kid’s lives.
I feel if communication was the key element then they wouldnt have struggled coz like some of you said, they are close to their kids like friends, they try to teach them through letting them make their choices rather then forcing them into believing a certain thing. But a point has now come that I still see them getting upset with kids when they hide some stuff away :no:
I want to know what is the missing factor here . And how the relationship should be with the kids when they are 5-8 years of age and how this relationship should evolve as the kid grows ..
Re: Relationship with kids
I just believe you need to regularly talk with kids. Question about day. Have solid rules about sit down meals with no phones at dinner table so that such times allow you to talk to each other and crack down in teenage if u see deviation from preset household rules
Re: Relationship with kids
Kids will always hide stuff no matter how they are open with you. They are more than just the role of a child. They have a life outside of home and their personalities are somewhat different from what you see at home. It is naive on our part as a parent to assume that just because my child can talk to me about every topic under the sun, they will. I know some over friendly parents whose kids wished their parents were less of a friend and more of a friend.
Re: Relationship with kids
I hid things things from my mama like poor test papers or progress report cards, things I had broken, and what not. I would come home from school and she’d greet me with a cheery face. There would be nothing in her demeanor that would set off alarm bells of suspicion in my mind. So, naturally I’d nonchalantly saunter off toward my bedroom…only to find the same hidden objects awaiting my return…openly displayed on my bed. 
Re: Relationship with kids
lol Indi. thats how most parents are , I guess !
Re: Relationship with kids
Ah, lying to your kids, desi parenting strategy since the beginning of desi time.
We have opted not to lie to our child, we think that telling her the truth will help her trust us in the future, we don't lie to her about anything, we find it a poor strategy.
That's exactly what we do too!!! No lying or secrets in this family. No matter what. There is always a solution to every problem, I keep drilling that in my
kids heads, all we can do is see it, talk about it, TRY with our all to fix it, and move on. That's life.
No desi style parenting for e.g; no telling if joota is ulta, it's facing Allah? I was told that as a kid. wth?
I want my kids to listen to their own inner voice to decide themselves but by not being in fear.
Re: Relationship with kids
Gala... Farishtay were constantly telling my mother my bad deeds. Ufff!!!
Re: Relationship with kids
^ The voice of reason doesn't really come naturally I think. They are children after all. Our moral values are in most part drilled into us by our parents and then honed over time by our experiences. But broadly and solidly by our parents.
Friends are many in the world, parents need to remain parents. Once kids grow up, there is a natural progression to friendship with one's parents if there was a good balance between discipline and love. Love doesn't go anywhere but it has been proven psychologically (child psychology) that children need structure and preset rules. Now, rule enforcers aren't always going to seem friendly. But they are necessary. I guess one needs to know what rules need to be enforced. And not leave the decision upto children of such young ages (less than 16-18 years). Following rules due to enforcement or whatever teaches many life lessons. Be it that **"things don't always go your way and you have to listen to a higher authority at times."
My opinion really is that while it is lovely and amazing to be able to be friendly with your child, believe me I want to do nothing but cuddle and smother my own with kisses all day long, it is super necessary to discipline them from a young age and if that makes me out to be the bad guy, so be it! It is a more difficult job to say "no", but a healthy relationship of a parent with a child** should be smattered liberally with instances where parent says "no". I believe there will be ages OP where due to this, the relationship may not seem friendly to the child. Noone likes to hear no. But in time the child will learn.
I think while being so strict on discipline, one needs to counterbalance with reinforcing one thing over and over again: No matter what happens, what you do, I will love you always and will stand by you. I recall an instance of my father telling me a very long time ago...one day you may disappoint me a lot and it may seem like I don't love you, but know at that time that that will never be true. I will always love you.
What a child needs from a parent I feel is security first and foremost, love and a home to return to.
It may not always seem friendly, the road is bumpy I am certain. But they should always have the certainty that we love them and will always love them. And that we are there. Also, encouraging a relationship with Allah and teaching of Allah's love goes a long way in contributing to overall emotional and mental well being of a person.
There is only so much we can do. Rest is hope for the best. But as for openness, I can advise only what I do myself. Enforce a particular time of the day for family time. Without fail. Every day. No mobiles allowed. No other distractions. Dinner time is best. Only we have to stick to it ourselves too.
Allah bless all our kids and give us the wisdom and heart to help them become all they can be in this world and the Hereafter, ameen.
Re: Relationship with kids
For the bold part CB I believe that establishing or helping children establish a sound relationship with Allah and showing them that will help them in the problematic age that everyone faces. That said, it will only help, this isn’t a complete solution. In the end like someone said we can pray and hope for the best that all methods we employed yield some fruit, be it giving them a good moral guidance, keeping curfews, whatever.
Re: Relationship with kids
very dissapointz. so you do not prefer the calvin’s father’s school of thought regarding parenting?
Re: Relationship with kids
every parent loves his/her child but showing/telling the child about it bears more fruits...same way spending time [a lots of it, don't agree with 10 minutes of quality time]...during that time develop trust, love and communication.
kids learn a lot of negative things from TV, piers and society in general. so, at the end of each day, ask the child how his day was and if he tells you anything negative, try to tell him the right thing/way...you have to change the negative things they learn during the day into positive things.
remember, kids learn from their parents...they try to copy them...they try to be like their parents. so, you have to set an example by practicing what you preach. you can't tell a child to pray while the parents don't pray...
...you have to encourage your child 24/7 to be a good child and praise what he/she does good.