I believe it’s quite a norm amongst desis to do reference checks. That is, you call up (or visit) the neighbours and friends (not sure if relatives and employers are included) of the prospective groom (not sure if it works for brides-to-be) and find out what kind of a person the individual happens to be.
I’m not sure about the exact details of how such conversations go, but I was wondering if such reference checks really work or if they are still frequently performed.
Is anyone familiar with any stories of how it saved someone from marrying the wrong person, or how it made things better/easy, or how it miserably failed?
well these pplz we know they would ask too much abt every groom for their daughter and due to tht shez still not married another thing is dont ask the bride or grooms parents of what one will do after marrige cuz like 2 days b4 someone we knewz marrige got broken cuz of this
I think its always very tricky....u gotta look at if the ppl ure asking are friends or "enemies (pretending to be good friends)" of the rishta ure considering..like if a person says something bad abt em, like why r they sayng it? coz they have some fight with that family? coz they want that particular rishta or something?
In the end it all boils down to trust and your own instincts..
I'm not on excellent terms with my neighbors and some relatives. But then I wouldn't marry anyone who wants to gather information about me from these sources.
I'd have to agree with those who suggested that those having enmity or malice against you may tarnish your reputation on purpose for the sake of their satisfaction.
Besides, how does this business work out anyway? Does the other side provide possible individuals/families to be contacted for reference check or do people just about on their own, or is it a combination of the two?
ahmadjee, start charging. :p
Amorphous, I sort of agree if the other side already knows you. I'd say there may be a reason for such reference checks and there may also be a reason for people purposely lying to either assist or ruin things for the individual in question.
I didnt know people did his until recently a friend ofmine got engaged. Basically the guy talked to common friends they had and it was like "give me dirt on her" it was just meeting up with them and their familes sometimes and just casually mentioning that "oh i am thinking of doing rishta there......" lol actually i found it very odd and that is why i asked my friend how her fiance went about doing it. She didnt mind but I think i would. The funny thing is, I know most people will probably say nice things about me, nicer than i actually am but still i dont think thats right. But then again i am not for arranged marriages to begin with.
hmm, i've only heard about girls family investigating the guy, like if he's had girlfriends, done sum things he's not suppose to, and how he really is around his friends and others. And of course this happens when its a whole arranged type marriage, you can't really go into it blind. And i think they shud, dont wanna find out these bad things after marriage, I wudn't want to, cuz there wud go all my respect for her.
Well, I didn't say that people shouldn't do reference checks while arranging a desi marriage (the kind of match-making where people don't have any other sources of information). As a matter of fact, I know of a couple of cases where such checks kept people from making wrong decisions. But one shouldn't blindly trust these sources.
It does work if investigations are done scientifically. Basically like any singing competition, if 4 judges give contestants 4,4,5,3 points and one gave 10 points, you basically don’t include the results from “Outlier” (enemy for friends in this case). Same should be done for investigation of bride/groom. Normally ppl face this problems in arranged marriages where both the families are new to each other and I think there is no harm in doing this.
I have done this for my friend’s sister when I was in Pakistan. Guy came out to be an active worker of a political party (and although that’s not negative) but my friend’s family denied the rishta coz they thought is not what they (and girl) want. So it does help but one should use brain also and don’t just believe on the feed back.
