Red Flags

[ll_xx_ll]

Re: Red Flags

​yeah im also talking from experience

Those are very important red-flags and I ignored them and then paid a heavy price for it. Another things I would add is back biting / gheebat , any person who is doing this in front you about others will be doing this against you in front of others. Allah has forbidden gheebat just keep that in mind and no decent person would defame or would do gheebat unnecessarily or just for zaban ka chaska. Sooner or late you will also become their target and it's poisonous for a husband wife relationship or your relationship with your inlaws.

One more thing do try to see how they are behaving or keeping their other bahus (if any)

^^Thats a big one

[rolla_coaster]

Re: Red Flags

When they keep hiding their beta jee.

[Nisha25]

Re: Red Flags

the quiet types, sometimes they scare me, they can be the wolf in sheep's clothing. the ones that are too good to be true. that's why i would rather have somebody that totally puts themselves out there, their flaws and their insecurities right in front where everybody can see, not hiding anything. they spill out everything that's on their mind. the playa types or sleazy stare people are putting their weaknesses out there, nothing's deliberately hidden

the quiet types are the ones that all of a sudden explode in anger

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Red Flags

Lie

Lie is the single biggest red flag.

[njgal]

Re: Red Flags

I agree with decent. The biggest red flags would be lying about anything where they work, what they do on the wekeend, what school they went to, how they spend their money, who are the closet person to them.

I advise the two families or couple to go out for dinner together. You can learn a lot about habits and personality traits by having a meal outside the home.

[Barfii]

Re: Red Flags

I guess the biggest red flag would be if they were pushing for a commitment, almost to the point of badgering you to agree to the Rishta..

Another would be the making of demands. If either family set certain "demands" relating to the engagement. wedding, living arrangements etc etc.

My aunt was looking for a rishta for her younger brother, (my uncle) and they went to visit one family. The girl, mum, dad and 3 brothers were sat discussing the rishta. The father said something and one of the brothers just looked at him and said "Dad, be quiet. She is our sister and we know best". The brother started making demands such as demanding that every Eid, Shabraat, birthdays, weddings etc etc, she should be sent back home here and when you send her, she should have nice and new clothes, but not just any new clothes, they should be of the latest fashion. Another brother was saying that at the time of the wedding she should be gifted, jewellry, watches and money, preferably money. All the time the mother and the girl just sat silently and were never allowed to speak. I feel sorry for the wives of said brothers!!

If both backgrounds are very different, this is a big flag. You need to have commom ground and if you're oil and she's water, you're never going to mix!

Level of religiousness is another. If you're a girl and marry a religious boy and you don't cover/wear hijab, it's obviously going to cause issues. if you mix with men, have male friends, said religious man is not going to agree to this.

Differing outlooks in life. If he sees children and grandkids and all she sees is her career, it's hardly a match..

You can usually tell by the way the MIL/FIL talk, if they are forward thinking folk.

Look at the siblings and how they present themselves. Do the sons/daughters walk in and out the room without so much as a Salaam, Aap kese ho?.. How are the sisters dressed, jeans and top, or shalwaar kameez? (Ok, if she's come in from work/college/uni but not so much if its 1pm on a sunday afternoon.)

If they are preparing a meal for you, (because you have come from along way), is the mother in the kitchen, or sitting with you and letting her daughters/DIL's handle it. If she's in the kitchen, shes probably bossing them around to hurry, get the best china out, etc etc. If she is sat with you, then she trusts her DIL/dauighters to handle everything as they have been raised well and now how to treat guests..

[Pepsi_ki_Botal]

Re: Red Flags

Discrepancies in statements.

[chicagoin]

Re: Red Flags

1. being honest, boy gives on set of answer,s parents give another.
2. lack of information i think if a girl has to give the name of the company that she's working with then the guy should do the same
3. lying about AGE, EDUCATION or CITIZENSHIP STATUS BIG NO NO NO'S
4. pushing for a commitment REALLY fast
5. TRYING TO GET TO CLOSE TOO FAST.

[MissChievous]

Re: Red Flags

@Barfii

Look at the siblings and how they present themselves. Do the sons/daughters walk in and out the room without so much as a Salaam, Aap kese ho?.. How are the sisters dressed, jeans and top, or shalwaar kameez? (Ok, if she's come in from work/college/uni but not so much if its 1pm on a sunday afternoon.)

But why does this matter?

[Sara516]

Re: Red Flags

@Barfii

If they are preparing a meal for you, (because you have come from along way), is the mother in the kitchen, or sitting with you and letting her daughters/DIL's handle it. If she's in the kitchen, shes probably bossing them around to hurry, get the best china out, etc etc. If she is sat with you, then she trusts her DIL/dauighters to handle everything as they have been raised well and now how to treat guests..

I don't know if I agree with this, it can also go the other way....if the MIL's in the kitchen, she doesn't want her DILs to be doing most of the work..

@MissChievious

But why does this matter?

well chances are, if the girls of the house dress in shalwar kameez, the bahu would be expected to wear shalwar kameez at home too....that's not necessarily a bad thing but depends on if the prospective bahu is ok with that or not...

[webmister]

Re: Red Flags

When you see $ $ in their eyes.

[webmister]

Re: Red Flags

@Pepsi_ki_Botal

Discrepancies in statements.

Yes, discrepancies in bank statements, salary certificates etc.

[Pepsi_ki_Botal]

Re: Red Flags

@webmister

Yes, discrepancies in bank statements, salary certificates etc.

well I meant verbal interactions.

[Deeba1234]

Re: Red Flags

During the engagement period finding out he's a player and your family or his saying it's no big deal and he will just change by himself after marriage..

If they think it's no big deal now and won't tell him to stop before the wedding imagine how much less supportive they'll be when you're stuck with him and even a few yrs down the line when you've had his child and he's poss still doing it..

[Aish]

Re: Red Flags

Relationship of the guy/girl with his/her parents.
Family dynamics, upbringing
When they make a joke, are they crossing any lines
Posessiveness early on. Oh also, are they too involved too early
You should just generally observe the other person. If you go out, are they rude to waiters, are they paying for you or even offering etc.

[Reha]

Re: Red Flags

When we meet people socially, its not a big deal if someone lies about who they are...yeah its bad but people don't get tooo upset about it.

When it comes to marriage, its all different. No one owes anyone anything. So mine are:

Not being forthcoming or honest about who or what they are.
Pushing for a commitment way too fast and only on their terms.
Dictating the process without having any consideration for the other party.
Being too traditional...i.e. "larki walay zyada zor se nahin boltay" and blah blah blah. If you ever run across anyone who says that, you need to run for your life.
The "hum bohot saaf dil log" hein which is an excuse to be rude.

IMHO, things will never be perfect between two families but do NOT ignore things thinking "abhi baat bohot nayi nayi hai...baad mein samjha dengay"

Baad mein vo nahin samajhte hein...apko samjhatay hein. ;)

[NomiCA]

Re: Red Flags

The Man Who Was A Hospital

[Sara516]

Re: Red Flags

^ Huh?

[BarbieCue]

Re: Red Flags

Let's not overlook his/her FB profile. Stalk em on twitter too.

[ll_xx_ll]

Re: Red Flags

^^