While responding to Barfi’s thread “Desis in Denial”…it got me thinking as to what signs during the ristha process (it could be comments, excuses, behaviors, etc) indicate red flags?
I know that one has the responsibility to do a thorough investigation to the best of their ability…and I can even understand that some people may be good actors and you may not find out about things until after the wedding. (Yes, I know that you don’t really know someone well until you start living with them). But I’ve also observed that it can be hard to suppress negative traits and sometimes people are guilty of deliberately making excuses for a person when it’s very obvious to them that the situation is toxic. I remember hearing that you should beware a rishta that is wishy-washy and one that pressures for a committment to take place soon. I know of two cases where the latter could be seen as indication of trouble down the road, though I also understand that there are exceptions. So…what are some red flags or things to watch out for?
I consider un-educated background, teez/tarrar mother are obvious red flags.
I'm not seeking advice, STA. This isn't even about me.
Often times when I read threads about extremely dysfunctional marriages/in-laws .......one of the first questions that enters my mind is "Didn't the guy/girl/families see any red flags....didn't they have any doubts about something?" I had the same question when I read Barfi's post...hence this thread.
You make a good point about background. Yes, I agree that similarity in background makes it easier.
Lets see how the married folks shed some light.....they went through the process....scanned for the red flags......and then experienced stuff afterwards......
i dont know, why people spend much time in rishta process. what they really achieve to hold someone for years, and what investigation they do in that period.
1) an overbearing mother/father/sister that seems to be dictating EVERYTHING in the process
2) pushing for a commitment REALLY fast
3) trying to cut parents out of the picture and making it ONLY about the boy and girl REALLY fast
4) ...uh and I didn't even know people DID THIS until recently , but getting their panties in a bunch when asked about background information about family. Just overall shadiness. Not being forthcoming about their information or family and stuff.
5) desperation. There's usually a reason behind it that is deeper than just "omg we like you".
i dont know, why people spend much time in rishta process. what they really achieve to hold someone for years, and what investigation they do in that period.
Well..I don't agree with delaying a situation for "years" or a prolonged period. But I do believe that it's very important to spend time getting to know the family well. That's just common sense, STA. If you're laa parwah about it, then you're also to blame down the road. If you do your part...at least there's some satisfaction in knowing that you tried.
3) trying to cut parents out of the picture and making it ONLY about the boy and girl REALLY fast
4) ...uh and I didn't even know people DID THIS until recently , but getting their panties in a bunch when asked about background information about family. Just overall shadiness. Not being forthcoming about their information or family and stuff.
3: i forgot to mention that point in my response. good work.
4: Girl's families are often feel pressure when asking about references and background of guy and his family.
cant they just be flexible to provide such information in friendly way?
4) ...uh and I didn't even know people DID THIS until recently , but getting their panties in a bunch when asked about background information about family. Just overall shadiness. Not being forthcoming about their information or family and stuff.
5) desperation. There's usually a reason behind it that is deeper than just "omg we like you".
One woman I know (long before she ever got married) had said that you should beware the ristha that pushes for a committment too fast. Well, I don't think she followed her own advice...as that's what happened with her first marriage. That family was really twisted. The second time she got married....it was the "desperation" case, it seemed. Cuz the guy kept pushing it. Didn't seem like he was over his ex-wife....the experience of that failed relationship left him very insecure to the point he was controlling and abusive. Although...it could be that maybe he always had those traits. Who knows. As for # 4....yeah that's defo shady.
Well..I don't agree with delaying a situation for "years" or a prolonged period. But I do believe that it's very important to spend time getting to know the family well. That's just common sense, STA. If you're laa parwah about it, then you're also to blame down the road. If you do your part...at least there's some satisfaction in knowing that you tried.
i am not against investigation, but time should enough and both parties can move on just in case.
It's Punjabi. Hareem was basically saying that if you get caught up in thinking...you'll lose the banda/guy. And I said that maybe the guy wasn't changa (good) anyway.
While responding to Barfi's thread "Desis in Denial"....it got me thinking as to what signs during the ristha process (it could be comments, excuses, behaviors, etc) indicate red flags?
I know that one has the responsibility to do a thorough investigation to the best of their ability...and I can even understand that some people may be good actors and you may not find out about things until after the wedding. (Yes, I know that you don't really know someone well until you start living with them). But I've also observed that it can be hard to suppress negative traits and sometimes people are guilty of deliberately making excuses for a person when it's very obvious to them that the situation is toxic. I remember hearing that you should beware a rishta that is wishy-washy and one that pressures for a committment to take place soon. I know of two cases where the latter could be seen as indication of trouble down the road, though I also understand that there are exceptions. So...what are some red flags or things to watch out for?
One side being way more orthodox than the other
Parents having too much influence on the boy/girl.
Financial mismatch between the two families.
This may seem silly but the boy's (or girl's) friend circle can tell you a lot about them. If they are generally popular and have lots of friends it indicates a caring outgoing personality.
Family not getting along with neighbours, other relatives etc
1) making excuses
2) making commitments, not following through and then making excuses
3) shouting at his/her younger (or even older) sisters
4) a cousin sis or someone else (a female) telling you that he has hit them
5) his treatment of those less fortunate than himself (i.e. the maid that works at his house or the waiter that serves him his food at the restaurant or the cab driver)
1) making excuses2) making commitments, not following through and then making excuses3) shouting at his/her younger (or even older) sisters
4) a cousin sis or someone else (a female) telling you that he has hit them
5) his treatment of those less fortunate than himself (i.e. the maid that works at his house or the waiter that serves him his food at the restaurant or the cab driver)
Those are very important red-flags and I ignored them and then paid a heavy price for it. Another things I would add is back biting / gheebat , any person who is doing this in front you about others will be doing this against you in front of others. Allah has forbidden gheebat just keep that in mind and no decent person would defame or would do gheebat unnecessarily or just for zaban ka chaska. Sooner or late you will also become their target and it's poisonous for a husband wife relationship or your relationship with your inlaws.
One more thing do try to see how they are behaving or keeping their other bahus (if any)
