Even if you know a person long enough sometimes they have hidden secrets which they never tell or show especially if they are the introverted type. In my work i do come across a range of people who are depressed or have mental health issues and desi gays are not that much different looks or attitude wise. It’s a myth that most are flamboyant like they are Western counterparts. Most of them eventually plan to get married to satisfy family. What they don’t realise is that they drag a whole unsuspecting partner into their issues and it is not fair. They really should have courage to let people know they cannot get married for whatever reason. It’s no excuse to bring misery to another person just to make their family happy. Marriage is encouraged but if someone is impotent then there is a get out clause. If the mother in law is the only one organising romantic activities then the couple has definitely got issues.
It is not discussed among desis. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing i don’t know. Her story is not the only one like that so please reassure her. It’s not her fault if her husband is asexual/gay. There is nothing she could have done. Even if he is not and he is not “attracted” to her then why get married to her? From what you say this has been right from the beginning of marriage. Desis are even hesitant discussing child sexual abuse in the family so this would be too much to expect. Even parents may not but would want the child to get married so others don’t have doubts.
Even asking his friends may not give an honest answer. There is no surefire way to test it unless he is honest or if someone tests him with visual stimuli and records his responses which have been done in experiments. Not ethical though. There are some articles from western perspective on this issue written by women who have discovered their husband is gay and what signs led them to it. There was also an article in the tribune on this topic. It doesn’t bother me that my husband watches porn, what bothers me is something worse… – The Express Tribune Blog Let her read the article and the responses below. See if she can relate. You’re right most desi women don’t know. Even those in West cannot tell.
If she gets a divorce, why should someone know whether she is virgin or not? They could have not had any sexual relations. She can say her husband was asexual. How can anyone tell she is virgin? Presence/absence of a hymen or bleeding on the first night are not 100% signs. What about men who are not virgins, why can they not marry a divorcee? Even if a guy is a virgin surely he can sympathise with her and won’t hold that against her? I don’t believe all desi guys would have backward views.
its been two years, you dont know despite being married to the guy. some people on a forum can't tell you.
It's so easy to talk because you're a straight man, I think, you would not understand until you are in this woman's shoes and see the situation from her perspective. If she had slept around and gone against all her religious and moralistic believes and found out the difference between a straight man and a gay man, studying each kind of man instead of being a virgin before marriage then maybe she could be a whiz at deducing this. But when the man we are speaking about is introverted and does not talk much, keeps his cellphone locked with a very secure password. He was an IT geek so he used different virtual machines with different operating systems on his computer that she couldn't really access. Linux isn't an operating system she can easily maneuver through especially when the password is a 12 character super password. When the man does not communicate a lot to her, it's difficult to know what the real situation is even if it's been years.
You can live with a person for years and he's basically a stranger and then there are other people you just talk with for a few minutes and it's like you've known them for years.
Although it's difficult to say for certain, what you mentioned does not necessarily mean that he's gay. It's quite possible that there is something else going on there.
The sister of a friend of mine was in a similar situation. She and her husband were married for 2 years and did not have a "normal" marriage during this time. She later found out that, prior to marrying her, he was already in a relationship with someone else and was quite serious and actually wanted to marry that girl and only married her (my friend's sister) at the behest of his parents. Basically, he was not interested in her to begin with and never got over his ex. In the end, they divorced and he went back to his ex.
^that’s actually quite possible but the couple is divorced now though and I don’t see any sign of him getting back together or getting married to an old love. I don’t think that there was any indication that he was in love with another woman before marriage. The one woman that it ever could have been called him bhai after he was married.
I don’t think anybody would understand.
shaasavera, She did get him to give her a child by coercing him because after a couple years of trying to make it work, she thought at least she could get a child out of the years she spent trying to figure out the marriage, who she was married to and making it work. I don’t think divorce is something anybody plans for.
Do you think he would go to couples counselling with his wife..maybe with a desi therapist and open up about his feelings? He surely realises he is being unfair on his wife and he is not acting like most husbands. He can not be so clueless not to know his wife’s feelings or to care. Many women feel it is because of them or that they are not attractive and I think it’s because women feel like failure when marriage does not work out. It’s actually the responsibility of both the people in a marriage not just the female.
I disagree with you marriage market is tough but no one should have to settle. Being happily single is better than unhappily married. It’s just our culture that says everyone should be married by this age and have 2.5 children by this age. I know there are a lot of open minded, liberal (or even conservative) Pakistani guys who would not hold this against her. She has to have more belief in herself. There are lot of examples of women who have been divorced finding love again. Maybe Allah is telling her she has to stop underestimating herself and that she deserves better so why settle. Acha hai bacche nahi hai because then that would be even harder to leave in desi setup. She would be stuck in sham marriage forever.
In an ideal world people would be upfront and if they were asexual they would say it. That way asexual wives and husbands can find each other. Everyone khush. But then there is stigma and of course "log kya kahenge. Family reputation ka kya hoga and all that.’
There’s not that information on asexuals and people don’t even know if they are themselves. Like Deeba says it means they have no sexual interest but they could possibly have romantic interest in non-sexual activities. Sometimes not even that. Why it happens? Who knows. Maybe he had some experiences that put him off intimacy as a child.
Interestingly people have a wide range of experiences with those who identify as asexuals. Advice: My husband doesn’t want to have sex | Love, InshAllah I don’t know if that helps but i’ll post it anyway
Although it's difficult to say for certain, what you mentioned does not necessarily mean that he's gay. It's quite possible that there is something else going on there.
The sister of a friend of mine was in a similar situation. She and her husband were married for 2 years and did not have a "normal" marriage during this time. She later found out that, prior to marrying her, he was already in a relationship with someone else and was quite serious and actually wanted to marry that girl and only married her (my friend's sister) at the behest of his parents. Basically, he was not interested in her to begin with and never got over his ex. In the end, they divorced and he went back to his ex.
I think this is much more likely.. also him not getting back with her could just as much be because she got fed up or married someone else in the end.. doesn't mean he'd stop wanting or loving her though..
It's so easy to talk because you're a straight man, I think, you would not understand until you are in this woman's shoes and see the situation from her perspective. If she had slept around and gone against all her religious and moralistic believes and found out the difference between a straight man and a gay man, studying each kind of man instead of being a virgin before marriage then maybe she could be a whiz at deducing this. But when the man we are speaking about is introverted and does not talk much, keeps his cellphone locked with a very secure password. He was an IT geek so he used different virtual machines with different operating systems on his computer that she couldn't really access. Linux isn't an operating system she can easily maneuver through especially when the password is a 12 character super password. When the man does not communicate a lot to her, it's difficult to know what the real situation is even if it's been years.
You can live with a person for years and he's basically a stranger and then there are other people you just talk with for a few minutes and it's like you've known them for years.
I agree with you. I don't think guys can understand how vulnerable a woman can feel when she cannot understand why her husband does not reciprocate her feelings and does not even communicate about it. I agree with Deeba and Mezhgan. It is not necessary that the guy is gay. From what you say he has expressed feelings of liking guys either. He could be asexual or other reasons.
True. It’s good that she got something out of this. So they both parted ways and are happier? Have they reached an agreement about things. Hopefully they are happier now then when they were locked in a marriage.
I agree with you. I don't think guys can understand how vulnerable a woman can feel when she cannot understand why her husband does not reciprocate her feelings and does not even communicate about it. I agree with Deeba and Mezhgan. It is not necessary that the guy is gay. From what you say he has expressed feelings of liking guys either. He could be asexual or other reasons.
Asexual as in not a sexual person at all correct? But the man is sexual.....like I mentioned to Deeba, if it's not the backdoor one then what is the other one that gay men like but then straight men also like? But he did not like sexual intercourse, he never indicated that he wanted it.
Other than the time that she wanted a child and coerced him by saying his mother would want one, they never had intercourse. She would like to feel what most straight women get to feel when it comes to that. I completely apologize to the mods but this forum helps to figured out some questions that she couldn't figure out on her own racking her brain wondering if he's gay or not.
Asexual as in not a sexual person at all correct? But the man is sexual.....like I mentioned to Deeba, if it's not the backdoor one then what is the other one that gay men like but then straight men also like? But he did not like sexual intercourse, he never indicated that he wanted it.
Other than the time that she wanted a child and coerced him by saying his mother would want one, they never had intercourse. She would like to feel what most straight women get to feel when it comes to that. I completely apologize to the mods but this forum helps to figured out some questions that she couldn't figure out on her own racking her brain wondering if he's gay or not.
Asexual meaning not into sexual activities but the person could be into other romantic type of activities. I don't really know that much about the topic but I think other sexual activities may be similar between straight/gay men except gender is different. I think what she wants to feel is what all women would want to feel. She did the right thing by divorcing him and moving on. I'm sure she will come find someone better suited to her. There is no way to 100% knw if he is gay other than catching him red handed. He sounds very careful so I don't think that would happen. If he does not get married again it may be a sign.
May be he was too much into "self pleasing" acts that he never needed anyone (male or female) to get that satisfaction.
Another possibility is that of a medical condition which made it impossible for him to do anything. He simply had no option but to keep distance from his wife, seek no help and go into a shell to save himself from embarrassment. The roadside doctors/hakims in our countries give away the dangerous supplements for extra performance which usually lead to kidney and liver failures and adversely affect the other vital organs. In such situation the guy doesn't have much options.
It's so easy to talk because you're a straight man, I think, you would not understand until you are in this woman's shoes and see the situation from her perspective. If she had slept around and gone against all her religious and moralistic believes and found out the difference between a straight man and a gay man, studying each kind of man instead of being a virgin before marriage then maybe she could be a whiz at deducing this. But when the man we are speaking about is introverted and does not talk much, keeps his cellphone locked with a very secure password. He was an IT geek so he used different virtual machines with different operating systems on his computer that she couldn't really access. Linux isn't an operating system she can easily maneuver through especially when the password is a 12 character super password. When the man does not communicate a lot to her, it's difficult to know what the real situation is even if it's been years.
You can live with a person for years and he's basically a stranger and then there are other people you just talk with for a few minutes and it's like you've known them for years.
okay. what difference does it make at this point if the guy is gay or an octopod. two years of married life with no intimacy. solution is all the same.
His behavior is VERY odd and definitely not normal.
I agree that just because he doesn't want sex with her doesn't mean he's gay. There can be other possibilities that have been mentioned like him not being over an old flame or some other issue on his part. Its hard to be sure about the root problem without him opening up. The main thing your friend should keep in mind is that its not her fault. Obviously, nothing she could've have said or done would've made a difference. Really there was nothing. Its was him.
I understand how she must have felt. I dated a guy who would not reciprocate in the relationship.....it was like dating a brick. He was the one who pursued me in the first place. In the end he was all talk and no actions AT ALL. My self esteem was just dropping. It was driving me crazy not to figure him out as to why he was treating me that way. It didn't make sense. I'm kind, ambitious, loyal, have strong values etc. Was I not good enough? Was he just using me? etc. I know this is not her exact story but my point is that I know what she must have been feeling! I can relate.
Its crazy because of him I tried to really understand and learn about the Pakistani culture. Now for other reasons I'm intrigued :D
Anyway I needed to find an answer to help me move on. What worked for me was reading a few articles about Men who cannot love. Its a real problem out there. I had not heard of it before. Nothing to do with culture, we're really not that different. But even if she doesn't exactly find out she needs to understand that its not her fault and MOVE ON. There is a quote out there by a famous rapper. I know lol. But its true!
But we need to respect and value ourselves enough to know we deserve a lot better. Its definitely not God's best.
Your friend did the right thing by moving on from this empty and unsatisfying relationship. We need to respect and value ourselves enough to know we deserve a lot better. Its definitely not God's best.
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on." -Tupac
I know of two men who never umm "touched" their wives. The first one was in love with this beautiful accomplished woman and finally married her but according to his wife he never had the "courage" to do it and somehow lost his self esteem along the way. They divorced 8 years later.
The second guy I've seen myself and guessed within 2 seconds that he was gay. It was wayyy too obvious. He was divorced at the time and his former wife made no effort to hide the fact that he was gay and that they never had sex. I was flabbergasted to find out that a few months back, his mother got him married again to some poor innocent girl who is apparently the only one who doesn't know that he's gay ... I really feed bad for her. All the guys in his family make jokes about him chatting with guys in pakistan and then going there to meet them...sick...
To the OP, The man might have been gay, asexual, with low "T" etc. There is no sure way of knowing... .. and if the sexual act you are referring to is "oral" (I'm just guessing) then a man who just wants that and nothing else is the most selfish repugnant man ever.
The second guy I've seen myself and guessed within 2 seconds that he was gay. It was wayyy too obvious. He was divorced at the time and his former wife made no effort to hide the fact that he was gay and that they never had sex. I was flabbergasted to find out that a few months back, his mother got him married again to some poor innocent girl who is apparently the only one who doesn't know that he's gay ... I really feed bad for her. All the guys in his family make jokes about him chatting with guys in pakistan and then going there to meet them...sick...
That is honestly soo sad, hate the fact that they try, yet again, to cover up their sons sexuality despite failing miserably the first time. Disgusting, like learn from your lessons and do something to help man.