You never dated or been around men before marriage. You marry a man that seems good on paper with bio-data, engineer, intelligent, culturally similar to you and his family spoke the same language as you. On paper he seems like a good match. You chat, email, and you want to really get married but he never mentions marriage. Your parents feel like it is important to do a background check on his family and they find out something that is an issue and when it is brought up, his family takes offense at the thought of even research their family. This was total stranger just a little while back so researching the family is important but it causes issues. Fragile ego? He seems different from any other man you’ve ever come across. He never pursued women in his life, he never had crushes on women.
When you try to tell about your childhood or your life before you met him, he’s not interested in it at all. He rejects any attempts to spend time together for instance going for a walk or going to his company Christmas party or any fun events. You don’t have sex on your wedding night which is not a big deal because many people don’t because they are tired from the wedding ceremony. You go on the honeymoon, but he never wants to do anything fun and the sex thing doesn’t happen even if you try to from your end because he doesn’t want to do anything and you get frustrated and bored and ask why he doesn’t want to do any sightseeing or what most people do on a honeymoon. You go to dinner and lunch by yourself or the romantic horse carriage ride by yourself at the resort.
This is basically how it was then and years later too.
Does this seem normal? Are men usually like this? When you ask him why his attitudes are such when it comes to sex, he says he doesn’t really like it. You can’t assume anything about his sexuality because he never says outright that he is gay when you ask him.
thats not a normal behaviour at all... he should be asked bluntly wats the reason behind his attitude? i even dont think smbody can skip this thing on wedding night being tired.... thats kinda strange
It seems he could be asexual or gay. The fact that he outright refuses to admit it could be a sign. Maybe a sign of guilt that the marriage is a cover up. I don't think most men would refuse to be romantic or have sexual activities with their wife. Even if raised in a conservative family after marriage they know what to do. No one would admit it either as it's not something culturally or religiously that is admitted. I'd say 80% of gay desi men would marry women..some may be committed but a hidden double life cannot be rules out.
Also he says he doesn't really like add which means he could be asexual. Does he like anything else romantic in nature? Maybe ask his friends or those who know him if they had doubts?
It seems he could be asexual or gay. The fact that he outright refuses to admit it could be a sign. Maybe a sign of guilt that the marriage is a cover up. I don't think most men would refuse to be romantic or have sexual activities with their wife. Even if raised in a conservative family after marriage they know what to do. No one would admit it either as it's not something culturally or religiously that is admitted. I'd say 80% of gay desi men would marry women..some may be committed but a hidden double life cannot be rules out.
Also he says he doesn't really like add which means he could be asexual. Does he like anything else romantic in nature? Maybe ask his friends or those who know him if they had doubts?
This is a man I knew, i'm not around him anymore. The years I was around him, I could never crack him or get inside of him to understand him. If this is the only type of male other than brothers and father, he will be what most men are like for you so you don't question his behavior. Asking his desi friends if he's gay is very very difficult. I don't think anybody can attempt something like that. His mother suggested the honeymoon resort or any place he plans to go. Which is not a bad thing but it means that most attempts at having fun are basically his mother's ideas.
The topic of sexuality is not to be discussed amongst desis. Other than whatever foreplay attempts by the wife don't really lead up to sex as most straight people know it. If the wife was a virgin before marriage do you really think she would definitely for sure know that he is not gay or gay or bi or god knows. If he doesn't say he has homosexual tendencies outright, how will a woman know for sure.
If she gets a divorce and he makes it so she isn't a virgin anymore just so there isn't any question about his sexuality, she's stuck. No one would marry a divorcee that is not a virgin so she makes the marriage work thinking it's something she's done wrong from her side.
Looks like this asexual people ar not as uncommon as i thought. I have a male friend, who was married for 3 years to a well educated lady, who was otherwise fun, but would not have sex, though the guy is very handsome and marriage was with her approval. When he offered her going to therapist or counselling she would decline, when he offered divoce, she will decline too. In the end he had to sell his house in the process of divorce settlement to get rid of her.
But I would think most people would assume the divorcee is NOT a virgin by default......it's kind of weird that you would expect people to know the divoree is a virgin.
Since I of course have a story for virtually every scenario - here’s one.
Couple married 20 plus years. In the first 1 or 2 years, they had a physical relationship, but shortly after she decided she no longer wanted a physical relationship. Couple is well-to-do, they ended up with separate rooms and lived very independent lives, more like room-mates than husband-wife. Almost 20 years later, the husband regrets not challenging his wife’s decision, he feels like he missed out on a more fulfilling relationship (they never had kids - wife’s choice, of course).
Now, he just turned 50 and they are getting divorced and she’s making him feel guilty (and he does feel guilty) for wanting more from the relationship He never cheated on her, but the temptation was there - he thinks because he was tempted, he’s in the wrong.
So, yes there are some asexual people out there, but it’s wrong to marry someone who wants a more complete relationship.
why does he want a wedding and a honeymoon if he has no intention of getting romantic. forget sexual for a sec. asexual folk can still be open to companionship. if this is an arranged marriage, time to tell the parents and see whats up.
The idea of homosexuality never came to her mind because how common is it in our community? She thought she wasn't attractive or not making an effort from her side. She never cheated on him because she didn't even know what she was missing. She put a couple years of effort into making it work and since she thought she would never get married again if she got a divorce early on, she thought she could atleast get a child, make him give her a child. What are the chances that she would get married again for a chance to feel any of those advantages of marriage as most straight couples know it? If Allah was just would make her go through this?
This is such a risque topic. No one ever discusses it with family because you won't proudly say that they have no clue whether their spouse is gay. Marriage market is tough enough so what are women like this supposed to do? Just disappear into nothingness?
What is asexuality? I thought only bisexuals, homosexuals and straight people existed other than cross dressers or transsexuals.
^It just means the person has no interest in sex..
Maybe he didn't want to marry or liked someone else? The family taking offence at being 'researched' is a massive red flag but I don't believe he's necessarily gay..
But I would think most people would assume the divorcee is NOT a virgin by default......it's kind of weird that you would expect people to know the divoree is a virgin.
Yeah, if someone's divorced most people would automatically assume they're not a virgin..
I would have thought annulment would be the answer in this sort of situation rather than divorce but not sure how it works in Islam..
^He was interested in the activities that are not the actual act but "the others". The ones that gay men like but does that indicate that he is gay because I think straight men like them too. I can't believe i'm discussing this here but the mystery of whether he is gay or asexual or not attracted is driving me crazy because it's unknown.
^He was interested in the activities that are not the actual act but "the others". The ones that gay men like but does that indicate that he is gay because straight men like it too but I think straight like the act too. I can't believe i'm discussing this here but the mystery of whether he is gay or asexual or not attracted is driving me crazy.
Ohh.. Do you mean the back door thing? If so some straight men like that as well..
(Can't believe I even just wrote that)
If he's gay wouldnt he be looking at men and all that? Need to see how he behaves around guys I think..
He never cheated on her, but the temptation was there - he thinks because he was tempted, he’s in the wrong.