Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Also, ninja, it is your responsibility to prevent your daughter from being treated like a piece of meat. You have to instill a sense of self-respect and self-worth in your daughter. You have to protect her from being in a position where she has to take off her hijab in a back room somewhere to be ogled by some women like cattle. This is so demeaning! If the women want to see her, have a little party and invite these women to your house. Let her dress up and and play the part of hostess. Here she will be in her comfort zone and on equal footing with these woman (except for age). You should tell her that she should consider this very much like an interview. These may potentially be her family, so you/she should politely ask questions to figure out how compatible you are:

temperament- does the future MIL let you talk? bossy, opinionated? asks questions about your daughter's interests? is she a polite guest in your house?
how supportive they are of a career/education- are other women in the family working?
closeness among family members- do other family members come along, visit often, are talked about fondly and respectfully?
value for children- does nani/dadi gush about her grandchildren?
financial preferences- are they showy? into keeping up with the Jones? designer clothes?

Desi girls do NOT marry a boy, they marry into a family! You and your daughter should make your own list. Write it out. You should be specific and keep in mind that some things are deal-breakers and some are just minor annoyances. Analyze the pros and cons and also do istikhara.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

relax....i am going through the same process but i am chilled :D and making my mother as well...lol

if you believe potential family worth your time then invite them for tea.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

This rishta is a dud! no one should ask for a pic of your daughter to "show" people... why should it matter to "people" what your daughter looks like, they're already showing signs of superficiality. If they cant respect your daughter's decision to practise the hijab then you should find another family that does.

And all these people suggesting "it should be ok to show a potential rishta the girl's hair"... where are you basing your suggestions from? Islamic perspective or just what you all think makes sense? Should a girl show her arms too if a guy demands? how about a bit of her legs? how about her in fitting clothes so he can see if he likes the girl's figure? No decent muslim man would/ should demand a girl to put herself on a show... if he does, he's not worth it.

If hair is such an issue, its suffice for the guy's female family members to see her. No need to show every dude that comes knocking.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

I'm not sure about whether it is right or wrong, but scholars of different madhabs have difference of opinion on this matter of showing hair to the potential spouse - from what I understand. That being said, I don't think this is enough for anyone to be judging what kind of people the guys family are because it may be allowed in their madhab.

OP - you need to find out which madhab you follow and stick to what it says.

However, as a side note I would say to fully support your daughter if she is uncomfortable with the idea because Islam does not advocate that a person should be made to feel degraded.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Giving a picture to someone is not acceptable to me.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Being someone who wears hijab I agree with Khumar. I wouldn't go around showing my hair to everyone only if there was some serious interest from both sides and you are at the point where a decision needs to be made. So, I would say don't send a picture to anyone. Explain to them you guys are not comfortable with it at this point in time.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

A huge thanks to all who have responded. I am amazed by the responses,and am so glad to have posted my question here.

I see it like this, that in our "Desi, traditional methods of the rishta process", it is quite demeaning for our daughters to be subjected to often very intrusive questioning and displaying your wares so to speak. I have always been against it, and find it ridiculous. Myself, or my sisters were never subjected to this.

Now my girls are all grown up,and well y'all know what happens.

This is how I have done it so far. Prospective comes along, usually through a 3rd party. We will have a chat over the phone. Me, and the 'guys' Mum. If i don't like what i hear in the first conversation, I put an end to it right then and there, and vice versa.
Second round of conversation begins again over the phone. I /hubby, and sometimes the other side make it quite clear from the beginning that the parents will talk about family, background etc, before involving the 'kids'. IN this round and the next is when the rejections from both sides begin. If both parties pass these few rounds, then we discuss pictures etc. So that is where we are at the moment, and so I posted my dilemma here.

I am a very upfront person, and will ask direct questions. Both hubby and I are of Pak descent but born and raised in the UK/USA. Our thought process is not very Desified to an extent ( no offence intended). We believe in speaking openly, no beating around the bush. Every family has issues, problems ; I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect family. Everyone has skeletons in the closets,and it is amazing how much one finds out AFTER marriage.

My daughter is very adamant about not being put on display, and being asked 20 questions. Nor does she want her pic sent to strangers, and we agree with her.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

My daughter believes 100% that when Desis marry, it is a union of 2 families. She comes with her family, he comes with his.

Here are some total ridiculous remarks: (upon hearing those comments we put an end to all further talks etc)

"Aap ka ghar chota hai, hamara beta kaha betih kah. (You house is too dang small, where will our prince sit...)

"We have one son, and five daughters, we are looking for girl who vill take care of mother when son is doing residency"

"Aap ki beti tori see healthy hai; kya bohot khana khatti hai" ((Your daughter is a bit on the heavy side, does she eat too much:)

" We are looking for hijabi girl as they are better/easier to keep under control"

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Great! So the picture issue is settled. :)

How does your daughter feel about taking off her hijab if a guy comes to your home with another female family member to see her in person?

Your daughter doesn't want to asked 20 questions.....so in her mind, how does she think an ideal rishta process should be? In HER opinion, how should a guy and his family determine if she will be compatible with him and his family?

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

:eek: Good for you guys for knowing when to run from a situation! :k:

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

I wear a hijab and I have turned down proposals based on this. It just wasn't something I was at all comfortable with. It just showed me how different my values were to that family's.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

I totes agree

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

Whether or not showing hair to a potential spouse is allowed, it's just not a good idea to go into a rishta thing doing something you're not comfortable with because that's just the start...it's never an isolated incident.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

I don't think any person who understands and respects hijab would come up with such a request. Doesn't this give you a hint about the mentality of those people?

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

In fact, yesterday my ammi told me that some friend of her's called and told of some girl for me and asked if my mom wants to have a pic of her's so that i can c. My mom told me and I told her 'no way'. Even if that girl doesn't put up some hijaab .. she deserves enough respect and how pathetic it would be that she has to distribute her pic for shaadi.

The best way a/c to me is:
1. Mothers discuss the initial particulars: Boys age/education/means of earning relates etc and Girls age/education and any other basics.
2. If all is according to the list of demands of both parties: the mother of boy in some way take a look at the girl.
3. If that's ok...the girls father and brothers meet up the boy.
4. If they too are okay...boy and girl take a look at each other in presence of their elders.
5. If they both are happily okay....males discuss out the finals (Nikkah dates/ maher/ any other commitments) and woman prepare for the celebration (dresses / gold sets / bla bla bla):p

How is that?

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

May be they want to make sure she ain't bald?

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

then whats the point of marrying someone in "hijab" if it can come off for any guy who may marry her?
What about the next guy who says I would like to see what she looks like in western attire and so on & so forth? Do the women keep complying until the guys are satisfied? * leading to swimsuit pics*
And this being our lovely desi society aunties who reject the rishta will undoubtedly use as gossip fodder.
To me the person asking such a question isn't suitable for a girl in hijab because he's showing from the start he doesn't respect her belief or his own religion for that matter. Also it shows an attitude of the guy doing an honour/favour "ehsaan" by potentially proposing to that girl .That is putting the entire relationship on an unequal footing -him being more important than her.

If he cant respect his own religion,how will he respect your daughter?

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

omg this one cracks me up :rotfl:** People will be people no matter what they wear.**
I know some girls who wear hijab who take more time to do their hair ,pick outfits,wear jewelry (earings & necklaces ),match accessories and then wear a coat or an abbaya.
It doesn’t matter to them that no one will see it or even know. They feel good & therefore they do it. simple as that.

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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

According to Shari'ah there is a problem!

Question:For marriage purposes can one give the other person a picture without a head scarf on, they live in different continents, therefore they have not met one another in person, but, the second party is waiting for a picture, and is requesting one without a headscarf, is it important to see ones hair?? is it a sin? also, what if the sister has some make-up on in that picture? does this fall under zina?
Answer:Walaikum assalam,
1. According to the Hanafi school, and the overwhelming majority of the Sunni scholars, including the Malikis and Shafi`is, it not *permitted to take off one’s hijab for a potential suitor, even in more final stages of the decision-making process. As such, it would be sinful to take off one’s hijab for such a reason, and unbefitting the shyness (*haya)expected of a Muslim. The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) said, Shyness (haya) is from faith.
2. If one decides to marry someone, it is for the man permitted to look at the woman’s face and hands only. This is permitted even if there is desire (shahwa), though only if one’s intention is to fulfill the the sunna, not in to fulfill one’s physical desires. [As explained in Haskafi’s Durr al-Mukhtar, and Ibn Abidin’s Radd al-Muhtar, Bab al-Mass wal Nadhar fi Kitab al-Hadhr wal Ibaha, and other authoritative works of Hanafi fiqh]
3. This is the position of:

  • The Hanafi school: Durr al-Mukhtar;
  • The Maliki school: Sharh al-Saghir; and
  • The Shafi`I school: Tuhfat al-Muhtaj fi Sharh al-Minhaj]
  1. Most of the fuqaha conditioned the permissibility of looking even to this extent with being: after one has otherwise made the determination to marry the person, and believes it is possible that one would in fact be able to get married to her. This is not a permission to shop around. And Allah alone gives success. Walaikum assalam, Faraz Rabbani.
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Re: Question in regards to rishta pics and hijab

It's easy find a like-minded mullah for her.