For those married and unmarried, do you guys feel that variety in a relationship is to be expected and even necessary (ex. checking out other girls when you’re seeing someone or are engaged), or do you feel otherwise?
Taking it a step further, what about answering the question from the perspective of being married and wanting variety (of the sexual kind, etc.) outside of marriage because perhaps you feel there is something lacking in your marriage. How would you handle the spouse who is getting “dull” and how would you handle your significant other (who may or may not even know that you’re married)?
I guess my question is, do you find such attitudes appropriate and acceptable? I’d also be interested to know whether you answer is in any way impacted by whether one is discussing desi men or non-desi men (or does it even matter?) In addition, does age matter in this scenario?
Re: question for guys only (gals: don't take offense)
For those married and unmarried, do you guys feel that variety in a relationship is to be expected and even necessary (ex. checking out other girls when you're seeing someone or are engaged), or do you feel otherwise?
That's a guy thing. I am sure there are exceptions but most guys like to look (check out) at other girls whether they are seeing someone or not. Some even check out other girls when they are walking around in the mall WITH their girlfriend/wife.
*Taking it a step further, what about answering the question from the perspective of being married and wanting variety (of the sexual kind, etc.) outside of marriage because perhaps you feel there is something lacking in your marriage. How would you handle the spouse who is getting "dull" and how would you handle your significant other (who may or may not even know that you're married)? *
*I will never ever engage in any kind of sexual activity with anyone but my wife. *
I guess my question is, do you find such attitudes appropriate and acceptable? I'd also be interested to know whether you answer is in any way impacted by whether one is discussing desi men or non-desi men (or does it even matter?) In addition, does age matter in this scenario?
I don't find such attitudes (engaging in acts with someone other than your spouse) appropriate. Most men are the same, desi or non desi. Ofcourse exceptions do exist. Age does matter but not significantly.
I dont think its appropriate at all to check out other girls and/or look for sexual pleasure outside the relationship... both partners should try different and new things to keep the relationship interesting. There are a 1001 things u can try... but ofcourse you both should be willing to spice things up, I think it would be hard for only one party trying to keep it interesting while the other isnt that keen.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by KAKA-ATOM-BUM: *
I dont think its appropriate at all to check out other girls and/or look for sexual pleasure outside the relationship... both partners should try different and new things to keep the relationship interesting. There are a 1001 things u can try... but ofcourse you both should be willing to spice things up, I think it would be hard for only one party trying to keep it interesting while the other isnt that keen.
[/QUOTE]
Kaka, does it matter if the guy is desi or non-desi and do you think age plays a role in all this? (anyone's age...guy's, girl's, age of the one who he is cheating with, etc.)
I'm also curious as to what you think is the reason seemingly married men cheat? Moreover, are they deluding themselves by offering silly justifications in favor of such action or are they simply trying to spice things up for themselves knowing full well the consequences of their rather traditionally unacceptable behavior?
what do u mean? are older men allowed to cheat and younger ones arent?
or are u referring to the checking girls out bit? well men naturally are pervs.. i,ve seen 13 yr olds checking 30 yr olds, and i,ve seen 80 yr olds checking 14 yr olds as well... so its all ages,, and no i dont think being a desi non desi makes a difference, they are pretty much the same... ofcourse it depends on the individual... I personally think one should have enough social manners to not stare and make it obvious... for some its a reflex action and they cant help it :D
and umm... the cheating husbands or partners,, well i dunno, some might not be serious about u at all and are there as long as they r getting what they want,,, others fall out love after a while and start looking elsewhere... others do it feeling guilty hoping not to get caught but still do it... others might have no plans of cheating but might end up cheating given the oppertunity... i dont really know... but in any case,, cheating is just wrong! theres no justification.
rest assured,,,, there are good sincere men out there still...
Kaka, armughal, and Maniac:
Obviously I am 500% with you on the wrongness of cheating on your spouse/significant other, etc. The question of such behavior doesn’t even occur. In my opinion, if one is so unhappy with their spouse/significant other or if there is something missing in the marriage/relationship, instead of being a coward and cheating, the honorable, non-hurtful thing to do is just to walk away.
Kaka:
I disagree…nowadays you have to look at both guys and girls closely to see what type of individuals they are, not just the girls (or even just the guys). I happen to meet some perfectly respectable men who in fact are decent, good guys but others only have the veneer of respectability but underneath are downright dogs who don’t deserve to be alive. So it works both ways really.
armughal:
Islamically or non-Islamically, common sense tells us that cheating is wrong no matter what so please don’t preach Islam to me since I am an “American desi” as you put it. I know my Islam and don’t need anyone dictating it to me. No offense intended.
Maniac:
This is true…I think hayaa, on the whole, seems to be lacking these days no matter where you turn. Regarding another point you make, definitely there is no excuse or justification for cheating but merely looking at another person or appreciating their qualities, well I don’t think there is anything wrong with it as long as one doesn’t take indecent steps. That is my opinion.
Code_Red:
“Checking out other girls” meaning looking at them, appreciating their physical/non-physical assets, and in general being attracted to them.
ok. As long as one is admiring the beauty and lust not involved it is fine. Other then that, it is bumpy ride ahead, both for men and women. Surely many people do it. Lack of morality and weak religious beliefs are major causes. 80% of time married life gets dull after 5-10 years. Its upto both parterners to make it interesting.
If someone has a dull married life then he is equally resposible for it. And it is no excuse for extra marital affair.IMO
Yes indeed, there is no excuse for having extra-marital affairs. What I’ve noticed too is that nowadays…(Kaka pay attention since as I said, BOTH guys and girls need to be scrutinized, not just girls)…married young men have affairs (and/or at least attempt to have affairs) with perfectly naive, simple-minded girls making them think that they’re single. Ab is ki to hadh hi ho gayi hai na? But it happens, let me tell you.
There ARE low-class guys out there like that and unless you don’t put the pieces of the puzzle together yourself and/or aren’t told by someone else that they’re married with kids and leading Jekyl & Hyde double lives, then you continue believing that the person is single and attracted to you. You get caught up in having feelings for them and it can get messy emotionally. It’s a very deceptive situation to be in and aside from the girl’s point of view, the married guy who puts on the act of being single, IMO, should be shot through the nuts (excuse the lingo). But I think what goes around comes around and one day these guys either realize their own badkismat ways and straighten up (although by then it’s usually too late) or Allah mian punishes them justly for their evilness.
i can’t believe a fellow muslim/muslimah wrote that in BOLD such thoughts shouldn’t enter ur mind, it’s disgusting to say the least. try to refrain from thinking on such lines.
We all agree that cheating is wrong morally and from religious perspective.
Having said that, I would like to point out why men ‘cheat’ (for the lack of better word)
Committing to one woman and a wrong woman at that is very common in out ‘arranged marriage’ shadi setup. Divorce is shunned in our society and compromise is lectured by every Tom, Dick and Harry…easier said than done. In such an environment, men do look outside their four walls and ‘check women out’ as you have put it. They want to be accepted in the society yet want to ‘live’ at the same time. The definition of living may vary depending on the individual. The institution of marriage is abused if it starts of at the wrong foot. Wrong decisions lead to inevitable sin and worse.
The other reason for such behaviour is the way opposite genders interact in our society. People blame men for being incapable of maintaining a platonic relationships. I think it’s the other way around. Women only get involved if there is a chance to get married and obviously majority of the women prefer men who are single. It leads to men live a two-faced life. Men want to get away from their dull routine of a I-m-stuck-with-my-wife forever life and lie to other women about their marital status in order to get accepted. I'm not sure how things would be if women were more open to socializing with married men..
Some men and women are out there just for sex…people who are in such relationships should stick to what it is worth without complicating the matters with issues like marital status and cheating.
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*Originally posted by armughal: *
u american desis really show how much u all lack the knowledge of Quran and how seriously u r in need of good Islamic teachings....
may Allah shower u with His blessings and put some "hayaa" back in u....
according to saheeh hadith "hayaa is a branch of imaan"....
no hayaa, no imaan, and no imaan means a one-way ticket to u know where....
[/QUOTE]
I see pakistanis back home have no lack of the knowledge of quraanand that they do not need good islamic teachings.
jirga laws that allow guys to rape women for some dispute, parading women naked in villages due to family conflicts, inter sectarian and ethnic killings. rishwaat and 32 kaam on every thing. That I suppose is all okay etc. Oh yeah and desis in pakistan dont have a habit of staring..must have been somewhere else.
May allah shower you with his blessing and give you humility and take away the "holier than thou" attitude. ameen.
Fayz:
You raise some really good points from a psychological perspective, trying to view things from the eyes of men who cheat. I agree that these could be the reasons why a man would cheat on his wife. Our desi society does frown upon married men talking to other married (or non-married) women other than saying brief hellos, how’s the day, etc. (small talk). Have you ever seen a married guy carrying on with a woman other than his wife or relative (especially in public desi settings like say weddings, dinner parties, and other social events)? Didn’t think so. So yes, our society is constricting in this regard but it is still no license to “get laid” outside of marriage.
There are men and women out there just for sex and so there shouldn’t be a question of feelings being involved or getting hurt since the relationship is purely physical and it is understood by both parties to be such, but is it not completely wrong and deceitful if suppose a woman tells a man right off the bat/from the get-go that she is looking for a marriage partner and isn’t interested in wasting her own or his time (she is direct and honest about her intentions) and of course discovers later on via a third party that the man btw happens to be married with kids? Deceit. That is why I said that hopefully in such situations, what goes around comes around to bite these men in the a$$.
Here are two point I want to make…
If sex (or what have you) is so dull in your marriage, leave the marriage/get divorced but do not delude yourself, your spouse, your kids (if they’re involved), and extended family about your supposed happiness. Don’t put on a farce. To me, cheating is a way of shooting yourself in the foot by being so miserable that you have to make a concerted effort to look for sexual thrills outside of the confines of holy matrimony. It just isn’t healthy and of course it isn’t right (as we all know, in desi communities it is practically unheard of yet it DOES happen).
If you’re married and it seems that things are getting dull (ie. wife is not interesting or mysterious enough anymore, she is letting herself go in terms of weight, looks, etc. or related concerns, the sex is routine and boring if she’s even in the mood) then why not COMMUNICATE and tell her that things are this way so that she can BE the woman you first met when you got married. Communication is everything. Now, having said this and after the man communicating this to his wife she still doesn’t take the hint, well then I guess if nothing else works the couple can part ways but still this is no justification for cheating. I’m sorry but there is just NO justification for cheating whatsoever, as we all seem to agree. Everyone loses and gets hurt in the process when cheating is involved.
Thanks for saying the things you say. I couldn't agree with you any more. How come there aren't more people like you on this forum ? You have a very interesting perspective on various topics and great insights !
← that meant i was kinda joking…
