Proposal from UK

Lifestyle Relationships
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Alright guys, I just returned from my trip to UK and Paki. I had an amazing time, shopped, and attended weddings and what not. Well, I returned last week, and yesterday my mother recieved a call from her cousin in Manchester who we visited. She never actually ever called us other then on special occasions, but yesterday she randomly called and kept on going on about how happy she was about me visiting and staying in for 3 days. And then she threw a proposal at my mom for her son. Now my mom was fairly happy, as she always leaned towards marriage in family, she thinks its a safe bet. She asked me what I think about it, and told me to think about it. I;m not sure how to take this, because as you guys already know of my situation(refer to past threads) I’m very unsure. The guy is very nice, hes almost done with his studies, and ready to settle. I was clueless about his interest in me the whole time I was there. I’m not sure if accepting this proposal is a good idea, I dont know how to tell him about my past, I’m not sure how he will take it, and since he is a relative, what if the he leaks my secrets to the whole khandaan. I dont think I’m good enough for him. He seems like a decent person. Please help -Thanks in advance

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Re: Proposal from UK

Shakes magic 8 ball

It says "Come back later".

Seriously nobody can give you any advice because we don't know anything. We don't know what your past is. We don't know your family dynamic. We don't know the guy. ****ing eh we don't even know what you are like.

You want advice (which is a waste of time in my opinion) give all these aunties more details.

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Re: Proposal from UK

^ I didn't wanted to repeat my previous thread again in this one. Maybe you can refer to them , if you feel you advice is not worth wasting here then good for you.

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Re: Proposal from UK

Well I remember your previous threads, if this advise means anything to you.. give this guy a chance at least. The rest is up to you to weigh the situation & choose.

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Re: Proposal from UK

The OP is young, I think 20 years old. She was in a previous relationship for quite some time and was madly in love with the guy. She was physically intimate with him. The guy and his family were losers.

sumsum190... part of me is like, if someone has been sexually active, the future partner should be aware of it because they have the right to ask the person that they're going to marry if they have an STD or to get tested.

The other part of me is like what's in the past, is in the past and doesn't need to be shared- that's usually what I tell my friends who have dated but they weren't in physical relationships.

I guess... If you feel like it's appropriate for you to know his past, then it's only fair for him to know yours. If you don't care about this guy's past, then forget about yours and move on. But to be fair to the guy, be aware of your sexual health. All of that is far in the future, just get to know him and decide if you like him.

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Re: Proposal from UK

It is said that *"Dosron ke aib chupaya karo, Allah tumhare aib chupaye ga"
*
Hide the faults of others and Allah will hide your faults.

The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: *“The one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin at all.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 4250; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.
*
What you should do is avoid bringing this subject up at all if you truly regret it and it is behind you. But if he brings it up you should tell him that it was a passing relationship and one of the tricks of the Shaytaan, but you regret it, and Allah has guided you and enabled you to repent.

Do not worry about this past so long as you have indeed repented and become righteous. Ask Allah for strength and guidance and to accept your repentance.

**“And verily, I am indeed forgiving to him who repents, believes (in My Oneness, and associates none in worship with Me) and does righteous good deeds, and then remains constant in doing them (till his death)” [Ta-Ha 20:82]

**
Also do keep in mind that** "Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."(Quran 24:26). **If Allah has indeed chosen him for you, and he is a good man, then rest assured you deserve this blessing and worry not about the past, for Allah has accepted your repentance then.

Allah says:** “Every son of Adam is prone to err, and the best of those who err are those who repent.” **Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by
al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

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Re: Proposal from UK

OP, you are not obligated to tell him anything, talking from the Islamic perspective here. Oh, and no, not all women bleed after losing their virginity. My point is, forget your past and move on. I think if you have no objection to this rishta, you should go for it. Plus, it'll be out of the US and you'll get a fresh start.

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Re: Proposal from UK

^ I second that. :)

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Re: Proposal from UK

^ agree, no need to bring it up unless you're directly asked and even then you don't need to disclose full details. As for the health check you can go and get yourself checked out for STD's as a precaution.

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Re: Proposal from UK

^^Agree.. Be sure to check out UK guy thorougly as well tho.. Good Luck :)

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Re: Proposal from UK

Do not tell the guy your past. any girl i know who ended up telling their spouse about their past has regretted it - their husbands couldnt let it go, and continually bring it up in arguments.

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Re: Proposal from UK

The fact that OP has gone all the way with her previous bf indicates she needs to really think about whats right and wrong here and stop thinking about herself . This is another persons future family he may want to start we are talking about . Why are you guys encouraging her to keep it from him ?

It is completely deceitful to the poor guy to imply she is a virgin . It is a given RIGHT of a guy who is virgin himself to expect his wife to be and to intentionally mislead him to believe you have never been with a guy (intimately) is WRONG . If this guy wants to marry her , start a family with her , don't you think he has the right to know what she's done before he makes such a big decision?

OP i know what you did is in the past but its still there, i would suggest even if you don't want to mention what you did to prospective guys , you should do a bit of your own research on them to ensure they also have had some level of intimacy in a previous relationship.

Its the only fair way to deal with these sort of things.

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Re: Proposal from UK

^ I agree. I wouldn't want something like that kept from me but at the same time it was one guy; it's not like she slept around or something

Though there is always the possibility of the old flame contacting the new dude and ruining things that way

Tread carefully but I would lean towards not making any mention of it.

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Re: Proposal from UK

Ok. I just remember what you are talking about.

NO, you should not let him know. It was between you and Allah, and Islamically if you did somthing in private then keep it private and Allah does not like to see private affair in public.

I hope everything will going to be fine, inshaAllah.

see, we all suggested you that your tour to england will bring good change.

I will strongly suggest you to go ahead and get marry as soon as possible with your cousin. Basically, he liked you when you were there and it is good sign.

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Re: Proposal from UK

^Agree.

It's between you and Allah. It's said that if Allah veils your sins, then don't uncover them. Some will argue that it's unfair to hide something like that from your partner, but at the same time it's the double standards of our culture when it comes to the same sin being committed by both genders....that leads to this pressure to hide....and in a way you can't blame a person. It's harder for girls, unfortunately. And to think that you're "unworthy" of him because of your past mistakes is not a healthy mind-set. There ARE losers out there that are virgins. There are so many things that determine a person's character.

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Re: Proposal from UK

From an islamic perspective you are not required to mention your sins HOWEVER this is MARRIAGE we talking about and islam places a high value for the virgin, pure female it also states this in the QURAN :

dont pretend to be something your not, you've done what you did now you should accept some responsibility for your actions and not choose the easiest way out to pretend it never happened.

"A fornicator (one notorious for indulgence in illicit sexual relations) is not to marry other than a fornicatress (a woman notorious for indulgence in illicit sexual relations) "

see the pattern people ? fornicator for a fornicator , virgin for a virgin .

I have so much pity for the guy right now who will have no idea what his wife previous experiences were . How can you expect love
to grow based on a marriage of deceit?

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Re: Proposal from UK

**^^ i dont agree with this...let the past remain in the past

so long as she has accepted her sins in front of Allah and repented ...she is not pretending... she is just letting her sins remain with ALlah..... there is no need to confess anything to a mortal when u have bared urself in front of Allah and asked for forgiveness,,,, Allah mwaaf karne waala hai why shud she bring it up in front of a potential? so tht he may judge her? or throw her past in her face when they argue? Im sorry but when a person repents...they are wiping the slate clean and a clean slate means it never happened...and u dont need to confess to anyone what "never happened"
**

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Re: Proposal from UK

first of all this is an issue between the guy and the girl , regardless if she has repented /asked for forgiveness the issue still remains she is no longer virgin .

To some people marrying a virgin is a core REQUIREMENT, which is understandable if a guy has withold from haram all his life for sake of Allah don't you think he deserves some one

whose done the same ? If she implies that she's still a virgin, that is not only lying to the guy but fooling him to believe she is something she is not .

If i was searching for a husband i would ensure HE HAS NOT SLEPT WITH ANYONE BEFORE , its a preference of many people and he deserves to know EXACTLY what he's getting

before he marries her . It is not at issue of her sharing her sins with him , we all have sins , its a matter of allowing this guy to make an INFORMED descision because we all know virginity is

huge factor to some people .

The truth will come out eventually even if she conceals i would say search for someone who is in the same boat as you.

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Re: Proposal from UK

I know if I was in a similar position, god forbid, then I'd probably lie and not tell the guy especially if I like him--sounds horrible, but sorry, I'm human and selfish.

Having said that, I've made a conscious effort to stay away from Zina and stuff like that; God knows how many times I've been tempted but I've tried really hard to keep from doing stuff like that purely because I DON'T want to be in the position where I have to decide whether or not to disclose such info to my SO. Because I stayed away from this, I expect that whoever I end up with to have done the same. It might be selfish and wrong, but if I had to "suffer" (sometimes it really does feel like that) than I want to know that the person I'm going to be with grappled with the same but made it through.

I'm not trying to talk down to anyone because for all I know, I could succumb tomorrow and end up sleeping with someone, but all I'm saying is I would be PISSED if I found out that the guy I was going to be spending time with wasn't a virgin because 1) I'M A VIRGIN 2) HE LIED TO ME. You're starting your relationship with a lie...and one that is a HUGE one and if found out could potentially destroy your marriage.

I guess if he doesn't ask, then you don't need to bring it up but if it DOES COME UP, I think you owe it to him to tell the truth.

And sorry but I totally agree with the poster that wrote about the ayah about fornicators with fornicators and chaste with chaste. Everyone makes mistakes, but part of the reason we've been given brains is to understand that our actions have far-reaching consequences.

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Re: Proposal from UK

i had no idea we have started having conversations with potential risthas telling them if we are or are not virgins..
i dont think this is something people ask. im not advocating lying to him, but if he doesnt ask her, i do not see how it could be a good thing to offer up the info.
going around and telling potential risthas could cause her to be a pariah if it leaked into the whole community- which, common, it likely will. if she did something wrong in her past and has changed/repented/wants to lead a different life, then she should keep that to herself.