problems after my engagement.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

i’m engaged since over 1 year.
my and fiance are both the same age. 20 years.
that is the right age for the girl to be engaged in, but early for a guy.
we liked each other so his parents decided to send the proposal.
i’m very happy for that.

now the main problem is that my in laws are not social at all. so much so that we did not even have any engagement ceremony (my dad asked my father in law but he said abhee nahi) and they all did not meet my relatives as we did not have a ceremony, my parents were reluctant on ceremony because our financial conditions are not so good. we decided to invited them over on dinner and make our relatives meet but my mother was not feeling well and everyone forgot about it.

in 1 year we have met them total of 9 to 10 times jabse ristha aya hai. there is hardly any talk on the phone. on the first eid my mother called aunty but on next eid she did not because aunty did not ever call her. i go to my in laws once a month and often my mother in law comes to drop me, she always meets my mom nicely and asks her to come over but my mother never goes.
when our car got stolen they helped us alot by using contacts and getting our FIR registered.

i feel very stressed out because this situation, i constantly feel that my parents are not happy that they dont meet so much. i have tired to explain but i dotn think they believe me and they are always appreciating my lil sisters in laws and never appreciate mine. although my mother in law loves me alot i know she is not very talkative but she always brings things for me like she brings for her daughter and never criticises me or anything, she is very understanding and good to me.

my little sisters proposal came (also love) and they are very social, all the time iniviting us and meeting us too much and doing too much takaluff like bringing too many things.

i dont know how to improve this situation because i know my in laws are not very social ppl but i want them to be. i want them to realise that my parents get worried as i wil be gettin married in that house..

please give me tips about how to improve this?
i have talked to my fiancee and he says that his parents are that way. but they need to change. i cant fight abt it all the time.
please do reply and if u have a similar experience share it with me cause i cant tolerate it.

2

Re: problems after my engagement.

This needs to be moved to Life and Relationships. You will get some answers there hopefully.

3

Re: problems after my engagement.

Are you sure they are happy with their son marrying you? From your post it seems that they may not be very fond of you. I could be wrong and I hope I am. You don't want to get married to someone where later his parents and family find it hard to accept you. With Pakistanis, Bengalis, Indians we don't just marry the person. We marry the whole khandan. You may be marrying the guy but remember since you guys are 20 there will always be interference from the family. Please make sure you prepare yourself for eveything before you enter into the marriage.

4

Re: problems after my engagement.

ok, so first the dinner was called off because your mother was ill. then your MIL invites your mum to their house every time she drops you back home but your mother never accepts the invitation.

so where exactly are your in-laws at fault?

your parents seems to be making very little effort themselves. ok, your in-laws might be reserved, some people can't fake being nice but then when they really become close to others, it's a stronger bond.

if your family have a problem with it, they need to make more effort. your parents should invite them over or your mum should go and visit your MIL with you. it just sounds like they need to get to know each other better. some people take time to open up.

5

Re: problems after my engagement.

I agree with stoppit, some people can be quite reserved, but your inlaws seem to have been making an effort. I think your parents could try harder, plus in our asian community mumbo jumbo rule book the kurri walay cater for the guys family. (doing all the hard work, small talk etc etc)
We'll be catering for my new khallu next week. sigh~

6

Re: problems after my engagement.

thank you so much.
ma ki dua: no you're wrong, when i wrote it i was very upset and bezaar of this stuff. they're very fond of me thats why they took the proposal for me, H (my fiance) never had to say it once, they are open minded so i had met them before i got engaged several times. my MIL is always inviting me because naturally she can say things to me more openly then to my mother. so i know that im not getting marrid just because their son wants me. they accept me and so does he. but i have trouble accepting his family. i knew they were unsocial before too and thought my mom was the exact same way. but turns out unsocial ppl like social ppl only.

stoppit and lala land : i know they are making some effort but clearly it is not at all enough, specially with my lil sisters in laws it seems nothing. my MIL is very quiet and reserved i know known her for 2 years so she talks to me but otherwise she just doesnt know wat to talk about. i can tell bcz like her im not very social too and my mom too. my mom understands that shes quiet but then has a prob too. i know my father in law shud interact more because hes not very quiet but he is very busy in office..
i know girls side has to cater but trust me in my house ive never seen us doing too much, which is fine. it just hurts me when my parents consider my inlaws as nothing. im not tellin them to praise all the time but u know kissi khatay mein to le kar ayein.
everytime my mom calls my MIL says aap zaroor ayega. and when she drops she says kafi arsay se aap ayein nahi, aap zaroor ayega.
so my family has a issue that she doesnt tell WHEN.
with studies and everything its too hard to deal with all this. plus i never ever asked them to get me married to H, they found out abt him and got me engaged, why do i feel guilty.

7

Re: problems after my engagement.

Why dont you guys invite them out for dinner sometime? You could take the initiative. If they dont follow the custom of family dinners, outings, meetings etc maybe you could talk to your fiance?

8

Re: problems after my engagement.

we invited them one time in november when they were about to leave for america and my sister had come .. they invited us back so we said we'll go on tea.
day before the tea my mom said she will not go.. i got upset because atleast we didnt interact so much, but my mom told me that it looks bad if she meets them too much.

but on the other hand she meets my lil sisters in laws alot. even takes her MIL to places like exhibtions with her, only because shes social and talks too much??

i know if my mom becomes friends with my MIL it would be good because theyre alike but it would take time as both are reserved.

9

Re: problems after my engagement.

Some people just arent very talkative or social. Its just who they are.

What you can do to help improve relations is simply try to help BOTH parties get to know each other. Dont think its your inlaws or your parents at fault...they're just different people.

How about setting up a dinner and inviting them over or even arranging dinner outside in a neutral territory like a restaurant both will like?

You have to make the effort to bring them together...take the initiative and get your fiance involved...but be careful not to make him feel as if its his parents' fault.

10

Your in-laws like you for who you are - why should they change their temperment/socializing to suit you? See your own comments above - they do a lot for you, but you don't like that they're not as social as your sister's in-laws? That's unfair to them - why should they change their demeanour so they can meet an arbitrary standard that your sister's in-laws have set.

Remember to always be grateful for what Allah has blessed you (loving in-laws) with and to not express na-shukrapana.

11

Re: problems after my engagement.

it sounds to me like your MIL is scared to push it too much because clearly your mum has some issues with meeting them. like, if you invite someone and they cancel on you more than once, you will stop bothering right?

are you sure your mum isn't still feeling weird about the fact that they didn't choose this family?

it could also be that your mum knows that they will treat you well regardless because your fiance and his fam chose you. maybe she makes more effort with your sister's in-laws because she feels she has to keep relations with them good otherwise it will negatively effect your sister.

i don't think you have anything to worry about. it sounds like you have a similar relationship with your MIL as you do with your mother (you say she treats you like her own daughter). you can't expect them to be best friends as well.

12

Re: problems after my engagement.

sehrysh: thats exactly what my fiancee says to me that i should be grateful to Allah for everything and not see the missign things because everyone has sometihng missing.
when we really liked each other i used to pray day night just to get the chance to be with him..
stoppit: i think my mom developed a bad image of them from start because in the begining something happened, it was H bday and i asked my mother in law to invite my mother, later on she told my mother that we're simple ppl hum mind nahi karte aap aram se jab chahiye a jayein my mom hates me for that and i know i did wrong at that time..

i think money is the issue here too. my in laws are more well off then i am, maybe my family feels that they dont meet us because we are not of their level? (my mom has expressed this to me) and this is not true bcz i know my fahter in law helps alot of poor ppl and even her grandmother lives in a normal place not rich at all..

i dont think my mom is worried that my sister wont be treated, its just that her MIL is too friendly sometimes its over. like she met my sister for the first time and she said dil karta hai dekhti rahoun tumhe, and love u type of stuff. i knwo my MIL wouldnt say such dialogues to me ever. even i'd feel shy.

my family doesnt mind love marriage so im sure its not bothering my mother.. of course im more close to my mom but i really like my MIL like i only eat chicken so she specially cooks for me. always takes me shopping when clothes come etc

should i be so concerned about my families relationship to them? maybe it would get ok once im married?

13

I'm a little confused. You say your inlaws aren't very social, but you also say that they talk to you, bring you nice stuff, helped out a lot when your car was stolen, are always inviting your mother over (which she is always declining). How is this unsocial?

And if they are, perhaps, not as social as your family or your SIL's...as Sehrysh said, "why should they change their demeanour so they can meet an arbitrary standard that your sister's in-laws have set?"

They have been the way that they are for many years and from what you yourself have described, they sound like lovely, if reserved, people. Why should they change?

Like Reha said, don't start pointing blame. Keep working on bringing them together, but don't set out to change people who have been the way that they are for decades. That will not end well.

14

Re: problems after my engagement.

maybe they just like to not be in each other faces all the time. Distance is a good thing.

IMHO, meeting 9/10 times in a year is a pretty decent effort though.

Maybe your mum needs to give them a call now and then too. I HATE this thought of "i called last time so they need to call this time..."

plus, with ur sisters in laws.. if they visit and stuff a lot more, let them be... ur inlaws dont need to compete with them. And if ur parents are saying something... dont let them.

15

Re: problems after my engagement.

Just like it takes both parties to maintain a relationship, same applies to this.

Your parents need to make and effort too and reciprocate the gratitude which your future in laws have offered. I would not push it though. Things may get even more awkward.

16

Re: problems after my engagement.

well, my in laws always invite when they meet like when my MIL comes to drop me home but she say like aap zaroor ayega etc,
its not like aap humare ghar thursday ko ayein.. so when they invite it just doesnt really matter much.
plus the second problem is my MIL hardly ever calls or FIL.. my mom called on eid and one more time but after that no contact on phone. my MIL called before she left for america but they both didnt know what to talk about. so it was just awkward.

yes they are not social but ofcourse since i go to their house once a month i get to talk to them. when she goes abroad she brings presents and whenever the season starts takes me to shopping.. they only have one family friend they go to their house once every 3 months or even less. i can't dictate anyone to do.
i know they are wrong but im not able to do anytihng.. personally i think my mom has a problem because they are rich. today she asked me if my FIL knew about our financial conditions, i said i dont think so. then she asked if he would be expected a huge dowry and stuff and what if he doesnt like meeting people of lower standards?

then one time she told me that FIL was shocked to know that my mom drove all the way to their house, meaning he was shocked that we dont have a driver and we're poor.

all these assumptions make me so upset, i try to explain to them but.. even i end up in doubts. my father in law is a little strict and i dont talk to him too much. he always jokes to me about teaching me cooking and i can be his cooking partner and stuff but how can i tell about his views? i know that he helps the poor alot mashAllah

17

Re: problems after my engagement.

why the heck are you engaged at this age, live a little.

18

Re: problems after my engagement.

crazyfool..ur taking too much tension with all this..even those famnilies that r all close b4 rishta nd stuff theyr either just faking it nd hate each othr from inside OR if they dont..they will strt getting annoyed of eachother over little things nd start fullo blopwn war with each other after the marriage anywayz..so if its gonna happen one way or another mybe its fine there is little distance btwn them..smtms when fmlsget too close big probs start..cause they get too know not only eachother but eacvhothers relatives too much also nd then gossip mill starts where they make a big deal out of non-issues..

19

Re: problems after my engagement.

And this is why 20 year olds shouldn't be getting married.

20

agreed!

so your parents wanted your in laws to have an engagement ceremony, and when they didnt, you claim they "arent social," and then when your parents didn't have a dawat for them, you were quick to have an excuse as to why? Sounds completely unfair to me, maybe your in laws also had an equally legitimate reason? Even when you were supposed to have a dinner JUST for them, your mom got sick and "everyone" forgot about it... I highly doubt your in laws forgot, but it was your parents' farz to re-schedule it once your mom got better. Thats really bad etiquette.

Concerning why you don't meet so much, consider it a blessing in disguise. People say that when you have a long engagement, its best for you to not "ghussao-fy" in your samdhan log anyways. Problems can EASILY occur between families and you dont want anything to happen that could possibly cause the engagement to be called off. Your mom really needs to get over the fact that your in laws arent meeting her and understand that there is a reason why people keep their distance...nothing is even going on and she's making a fuss, can you imagine God forbid how big of a deal she would make if your in laws said or did something BLATANT that she didnt like?

My in laws sound a lot like yours, they don't get to meet my family often but whenever they do, its with kindness and respect and they keep in touch on the phone as well. Its better to have people meet a few times a year and be happy with each other than meet all the time and have problems arise. And like someone else said, the unofficial desi rule book says that the larki walay are usually supposed to take the first steps in terms of inviting and doing khidmat.

They don't need to change, your parents need to change if they are creating fights about this all time. Why would your parents be worried about sending you into this family when your saas goes so out of her way for you? My saas was like that with me during my engagement as well, and my in laws dont act like your sisters in laws either, but no one has more loving in laws than me. I'm really happy and the sooner you learn to be grateful for what you have and not sweat the small stuff, the more successful of a marriage you will have.