Re: problems after my engagement.
How women think of these issues ? 
crazyfool,
reading your story it made me think that ur story has a lot of similarity with mine. My inlaws and family have different culture too. And during my initial days of marriage and even during rishta process and after nikah ... I used to get frustrated coz my family would point things out to me and most of them were differences in lifestyle... They liked the guy and family but our lifestyles being different was the issue they had.... My advice to you would be
** Take your inlaws as they are, right now ur family has expectations and those are not being met. You need to sit down with them and explain to them your inlaws behavior. You now have to act as the bridge and make sure that no ghalat fehmi is there.
**Some ppl like casual dropping in while others like to be invited and like guests to come over when they are invited... so another difference you can explain to your parents.
**Talk to your mom and try to make her see that her insecurity might be keeping her from seeing the good in your inlaws.
This is my personal opinion but I do feel that inlaws should keep a lil distance with each other... over meeting each other can be bad.... especially if there is a lifestyle difference. They say familiarity breeds contempt. If ur inlaws and family were not friends...then chances are they will be nice to each other but not become best friends... No big deal...
Also it doesn't matter if ur MIL is not calling on eid or something... some ppl are like that... it doesn't mean anything.... as long as when they meet ur parents and are respectful of each other that is all good.. :)
Good luck ...and focus on ur fiance and how ur inlaws treat you. Because once married when ur family sees ur smiling they will be at ease.
Re: problems after my engagement.
^ nice advice
Re: problems after my engagement.
i know we're young, but my parents wanted me to get married.. and i didnt want to be the elder sister who was not committed while her younger sister got married. anyway i didnt rush it either it just hapened.
i know i shouldnt be comparing but i cant help it. i just get down by their indirect remarks and then i start hating them. sometimes i really dont like my in laws and i dont want to hear their name. i think family approval means alot to me. i want the same treatment as others get. i'll try not to think about it cause its best they meet less. i dont want issues before im even married.
fasaadi: what were your inlaws like? how long have you been married? my mom says in laws and the guy changes after you get married which freaks me out..
theres another issue, my MIL is a shia and since she is H's mother he is a mixture. this bothers me, but it should not because he does not practise it.
You should just be straightforward with your mother and tell her to stop saying negative things about your in laws in front of you. If your in laws bashed your parents in front of you, how would you feel? Treat them with the same respect. Your mom's words are negatively affecting your otherwise good perceptions of your in laws and if she really does care about your marital happiness, then she should stop creating problems. your in laws can never be like your sister's in laws and vice versa. plus there might be some things that your sister wishes her in laws had that your in laws do.
it hasnt even been a year since my shaadi...i was the first to get married in my family so sometimes my mom would notice these little things too, like "your saas doesn't talk for a long time on the phone." The fact is, our families are different...my mom has a habit of talking for hours on the phone and my saas generally keeps in under half an hour. It doesnt mean anything, her nature is just different.
It was my susraal's ikhlaaq that I noticed more...our families dont get to meet or talk much since they live in different locations, but my saas is always the one person who makes my mom feel better when she worries about my sister not being married. She always seems to know exactly what to say. She noticed that I have this little habit of eating from small spoons and can you believe it, my mom never noticed I do that, but my saas did and always keeps that type of spoon for me. She knows I prefer chicken, so she always makes that for me. years before I was even engaged, I made a very off-handed remark in front of her along the lines of "I dont get why people give so much gold, I'd rather have one diamond set than fifty gold sets" and guess what my saas included for me at my shaadi? A beautiful diamond set. She always buys for me what she would buy for her own daughter. My sasur is the same, when I was in Pakistan, he would bring things I had never tried before and took me out for lunch or dinner all the time. When I went in the summer, they had lawn suits ready and waiting for me knowing that it would be hot. When they met us at the airport, they brought me a cell phone with sim card so I wouldn't need to worry about getting one on my own. MashaAllah mashaAllah, I'm really happy and blessed to have in laws like this and I normally am not too active on the L&R thread, but I responded to your post only because your in laws sounded similar to mine and I feel you're being quite unfair. Your parents are definitely in the wrong here. In hindsight, my mom would notice stupid things like how much they call or how long they talk and not look at the bigger picture, which is how much they loved me. And no they have not changed at all after shaadi, if anything they probably love me more alhumdulillah...but I'm also technically a newlywed so maybe someone else can give you better input on that.
You should try and realize that it would have been very easy for your saas to be the typical mother in law, freaking out that her son had the gall to pick out a girl on his own and hating you over this fact. Instead, she loves you because you love her son and she has never mistreated you. For you to slowly nit-pick faults in them isn't fair...if they had done the same to you, you might not have even had the chance to marry the guy you loved. you're a human being and I'm sure youre far from perfect; they can also find flaws in you, so try to overlook their imperfections and see the bigger picture. if you love your husband, try to love his parents for making him what he is. you're coming along and claiming the final product when its his parents who worked so hard for all those years to make him the man he is today.
As far as your mother in law being a Shia, are you yourself a practicing Muslim? I mean, do you pray five times a day and do other things which Muslim girls are supposed to do? If you don't, then why does it bug you whether she's Shia or Sunni? Even if you do, I really dont understand it when people create issues AFTER a relationship has been formed. You are having a love marriage; if this guy's mother being Shia was really an issue for you, why did you take steps forward, stay with him for a long time and then turn it from a relationship into an engagement? She's not just your mother in law, she will be a daadi to your children iA. Learn to love her and respect her, and as long as she doesn't force her beliefs on you, don't be judgmental of what her religious affiliation is.
Re: problems after my engagement.
automne77: that was a very good advice.. i'll try and follow it, its just i dont discuss it with anyone and it makes me so angry inside.
my parents view their not calling as a disrespect. but i dont think so. usually MIL's are too demanding and want their DIL to call them etc but i hardly call my MIL and its always okay. she doesnt mind my behavior in any way.
i find my sisters in laws more sweet but im not sure if its faking or real. i sometimes dont understand their attitude. so much love when you've met someone for the first time?
my parents like my fiancee and think hes a very sweet and innocent boy. hes kinda very young and boyish. my elder sisters husband is the way my dad wants him to be but my elder sisters husband is 29 years old and has alot of exposure ( he didnt have a dad so had to do a job since he was 16) ofcourse my fiance has never seen tough times and i pray he never does inshAllah. i understand how my dad wants him to be like my brother in law. but my mom loves my little sisters boy, she is all the time asking about him and saying i made this dish why dont you give it to him? she cares so much for him regardless of the fact that one time he abused my lil sister in front of my mom on phone and she heard it. of course she got upset and found out its not the first time but she just let go.
on the other hand H is a very decent guy i have known him for 3 years or more and ive never heard him abuse. hardly 2-3 times. why dont my parents see all this??
he bought my mother a bday gift and she forgot to say thank you and i didnt feel either until little sisters fiance got her a cake on mothers day and she called to thank him and told everyone about it. dont you think its unfair??
Re: problems after my engagement.
fasaadi: MashAllah mashAllah your inlaws are great. i hope mine are like this too in the long run. :) inshAllah.
your chicken issue reminds me that i only eat chicken i dont eat vegetables, so whenever i go to their house aunty specially cooks chicken for me even if at the last minute.. but my mom always cooks chicken too. was it a love marriage or arranged?
whenever my MIL goes abroad she brings alot of things for me and specially shoes because i dont find my size. whenever she finds shoes of my size she buys them.. about the whole diamond set and everything, its overwhelming how much she cared!! i wish mine would care too but i never really mentioned about anything..
yeah i try to pray 5 times but not very regular. i believe that we should be muslims and not divided into casts. when we were dating i never thought on this issue because nothing ever changed. i know he has a few beliefs because his mother bought him up.. but he prays in the sunni way and also the kalma is the same so its all good.
where do you live?? its really nice to meet someone who has a similar experience. i can relate to someone.
Re: problems after my engagement.
After reading all this, am I the only one who's confused? My crazy little baby, why do you keep saying you have problems with your in-laws when clearly you have issues with your mommy dearest and NOT with your mother-in-law!?
They are not social towards your family because your family isn't social towards them. This is such a NON issue that you shouldn't even be bothered about it. Are you sure you're not just looking for drama? You know how Carrie talks about "Stomach Flip" in Sex And The City? Sometimes when everything is ones life is going perfectly fine, we just look for small NON issues and try to blow them out of proportion and find something to give us the rush we get when things are not going our way..?!
I would honestly suggest NOT getting married for a couple of more years cause your marriage will be in a lot of trouble (GOD forbid),
Your mother-in-law seems like a very decent and well educated woman, I think you and your family needs to treat her the same way.
She's social with you because you're that way with her, you keep mentioning how she always takes you out shopping and keeps buying you presents. You getting mad at your in-laws for your parents NOT liking them and feeling inferior to them, makes no sense whatsoever!
Your post marital problems are going to be due to your family, not because of your in-laws!
Offence - NOT intended!
crazyfool,
reading your story it made me think that ur story has a lot of similarity with mine. My inlaws and family have different culture too. And during my initial days of marriage and even during rishta process and after nikah ... I used to get frustrated coz my family would point things out to me and most of them were differences in lifestyle... They liked the guy and family but our lifestyles being different was the issue they had.... My advice to you would be
** Take your inlaws as they are, right now ur family has expectations and those are not being met. You need to sit down with them and explain to them your inlaws behavior. You now have to act as the bridge and make sure that no ghalat fehmi is there.
**Some ppl like casual dropping in while others like to be invited and like guests to come over when they are invited... so another difference you can explain to your parents.
**Talk to your mom and try to make her see that her insecurity might be keeping her from seeing the good in your inlaws.
This is my personal opinion but I do feel that inlaws should keep a lil distance with each other... over meeting each other can be bad.... especially if there is a lifestyle difference. They say familiarity breeds contempt. If ur inlaws and family were not friends...then chances are they will be nice to each other but not become best friends... No big deal... Also it doesn't matter if ur MIL is not calling on eid or something... some ppl are like that... it doesn't mean anything.... as long as when they meet ur parents and are respectful of each other that is all good.. :)
Good luck ...and focus on ur fiance and how ur inlaws treat you. Because once married when ur family sees ur smiling they will be at ease.
100% AGREE WITH THIS! Sound advice! Well done for the positivity!
LOL i cannot actually believe you people! YOUR PREDICTING HOW A GIRL'S MARRIAGE IS GOING TO TURN OUT JUST BECAUSE THE FAMILIES DON'T SOCIALLY INTERACT AS MUCH!??!?! WHO MADE YOU LOT THE QUEENS OF THE WORLD?!?!
I'm sorry for the capital letters but most these opinions actually disgust me!!
TO THE ORIGIANAL POSTER:
Just because your family and your in-laws family don't interact much doesn't mean that they don't like each other! If they didn't like each other they would have said no to each other simple as that!
The reason they probably don't interact is because maybe they're not as sociable/maybe they're shy with each other families/maybe they're not familiar with each other.
Some people are more sociable than other people, this is why your sister's in-laws are more friendlier.
You in-laws don't have a problem with you as far as i can see from your post..i mean she brings your gifts and treats you just like her own daughters? What more can you ask for in a MIL!?
You said yourself that your families meet 9/10 times in a year..if you think about it how much do you meet families? 9/10 times is frequent meeting..once a month roughly! Families are busy..they can't see each other every week just coz families are getting married?
They have their own lives etc A day goes so fast sometimes you look at the clock and think is that really the time?
Just because you didn't have an engagement party doesn't mean anything..maybe their families don't have engagement parties..there are so many reasons so you shouldn't take it personnal!
I think it's a bit rude of you to ask for your IL's to change their socialising habits just because you want them to socialise a bit more? Maybe they're not socialising people? Maybe they just like to keep themselves to themselves especially if what your fiancee says that they're like that?
OVERALL:
- don't take it personally about both your families socialising habits!
-your families aren't marrying each other, if you are happy with your IL's and theyre happy with you that's all that matters!
-if your parents are that worried, they would talk to your future family!
Just be happy and really just get along with your IL's, because they're going to be your family soon.
I can totally relate to your situation because that's exactly what situation i'm in but i'm not worried one little bit because i know how happy my mum is with him and i know how happy his mum is with me. Alhumdulillah. Both families aren't very sociable but that's because that's how they are. They don't spend hours on the phone, we see them at each otheres house now and then but we're happy. I'm also 20 and would be getting married but have decided to finish degree! There's no perfect or wrong age to get married..If you think your ready that's all that matters bub!
Sorry if my opinion offends anyone!
The OP and her fiance got engaged at 19....and they're both 20 years-old-now. That's really young (IMO) for marriage....although I've seen girls several years younger than 20 get married and have been able to make the marriage work. It seems really young for a guy....but then again level of maturity varies.
Disagree with the OP's comment that 20 is the "right age" for a girl to get hitched. While age plays a role in marriage....maturity and compatibility are more important. And if maturity and compatibility are missing.....then 20 may possibly not be the "right" age.
OP needs to work on prioritizing her issues and picking and choosing her battles wisely. It's not something that's easy to do....and one gets better with it....as they get older. Hope things become easier for her.
Re: problems after my engagement.
CrazyFool,
First of all, I can understand in the situation you are in.
Unfortunately our desi parents at times want things their way and like to compare.
After reading your issue, I think its your family's fault to notice these little things. Not all their son in laws and their families are going to be the same. So, it's wrong to compare. I am sure your younger sister in laws are good people as well. However, just because your inlaws are not doing all that is wrong to say that there is something wrong with them.
Your in laws are like mine. My MIL is also a reserved lady who doesn't really socialize and thats because she was a doctor and worked her whole life. Plus they are a very small family where as I come from a huge family. So yes there are clashes and I am sorry to say but I think its your family's fault to judge and compare.
Second thing is that your mom should not say this that they will change over time. Although, I agree things do happen and I am sure some people do change however, if your mom had made up her mind to get you married there then stop criticizing.
My advice to you is Hang in there. Our parents do make mistakes and we can't disrespect or disobey them either. So, maybe nicely try talking to your mom about it and don't be surprised if you hear the comment that "abhi say unki tarfdari kerahi ho"
and yes Please do not discuss this with your fiance that your mom is saying all this or your family feels this way because later on afterward he will always remember this and it can have an impact on his feelings for them.
Good luck!
Re: problems after my engagement.
I don't think there is anything wrong with your in laws. Stop comparing them with your sister's in laws. Lower your expectations, respect them and cherish the relationship.
uhh hold on, you said your YOUNGER sister is also getting married? If you’re 20, then how old is she?! :aq:
Re: problems after my engagement.
does it matter?:aq:
Re: problems after my engagement.
Just invite them to the local inn. I'm sure that would up their 'socialness' to your needs.