problemmmo

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Recently my friend got engaged to a really good guy. They will get married in few months.It was an arranged rishta.His family want them to live with them but my friend doensnt like the idea. She wants a place of her own like every girl. She asked me advice wether she should talk to her finace abt this. Wouldnt it look bad now? At the moment they are at the initial stage of knowing each other. What should I advice?She is willing to comprise but it would not make her happy.

2

Re: problemmmo

She should talk to him but in a subtle way. She should have done do earlier before getting engaged so that she could have had his thoughts and made a calculated decision.

She should ask him if he can provide her with a sense of independence and privacy even within a joint family system. If he can, then fair enough.

3

Re: problemmmo

These things should better be discussed before engagement. Now that engagement has already been done, it really depends on your friend whether she is willing to take a risk and lose the rishta or would rather hold the rishta and live with in-laws since talking to the guy now is very risky. The guy or his family can break off the engagement if they really want the guy to live in joint family. Its a big risk but if your friend really doesn't want to live in a joint family, she should talk to her fiance rather than making his and his family's life difficult after marriage. If she continues with the engagement, she should agree to live in joint family unless and until she makes the husband or his family agree on separate living arrangement.

4

Re: problemmmo

'Every' girl does not want that.

Coming back what you should tell her to do, Communication is the key. She should talk to him and present her concerns, although it is a bit late. He might be taken aback with the sudden demand but its better to talk. Maybe he'll find a way out for both of them.

5

Re: problemmmo

I agree.

6

Re: problemmmo

Ask the guy....."will you get me a separate house in xyz period of time (xyz can be negotiated"

if he says yes.........then fine...

if he says no........... break the rishta.

7

Re: problemmmo


I have yet to meet a girl who does not want a place of her own

8

Re: problemmmo

Meet me then. I dread living alone (ok my friends make fun of me that I won't be living alone but with my husband). But I still would prefer to live with my in-laws in a happy family. I may sound like some abnormal woman but I truly believe that living with in-laws is possible with some sacrifices and compromises from both the sides. But its really worth it. My views might change once I marry into such a family. But its yet to happen. Till then, let me daydream :D

9

Re: problemmmo

agreed ! why does everyone think that all women are selfish. i have parents too and they're old and i would be devastated if my brother and sister in law moved out and got their own place because who would take care of them? i'm gonna marry a man whose parents need him and myself, and i am happy about that. it only requires courage and patience and some girls seriously lack both of them and never try to work on that, and spend their life complaining about their inlaws. that's not the kind of wife or daughter in law i wanna become...

one thing i could never understand, is why do they raise the issue of not wanting to live with inlaws after the wedding or engagement ? ok so they want their own place, it's their choice, but are they seriously that selfish that they will first pretend that they're fine with everything only because they can't wait to get married, and after this is done, they think that everyone will comply with their demands ?

if they don't want to live with inlaws, then they should just wait for the right guy instead of creating problems in someone else's family, or don't get married at all. that's our culture and i'm proud of it because our parents are not placed in nursing homes or whatever when they get old.

10

Re: problemmmo

let me know when u find out too :smiley:

btw…one reason could be that…since its their right and so they don’t bother discussing it beforehand :hmmm:

11

Re: problemmmo

Hello from my side too!!

I'd like to live in a house full of people. And besides there are so many plus points of living in a joint family.

12

Re: problemmmo

She should let him know now, instead of being in a weird place later.

13

Re: problemmmo

Since marriage is a contract in which all the clauses should be discussed beforehand, this thing should also be discussed earlier. Living separately is a married woman’s right as identified by Islam but it is not commonly practised in our desi society and we girls know that. So its better to only consider proposals who are willing to live separately rather than saying yes to any proposal and then put the bechara fiance/ husband in a difficult position i.e. ya tau apni family ko chuno ya phir mujhe… hum dono main se kisi aik ko chunna hoga tumhain etc etc. Such girls can easily find a guy who is so fed up of his family that he wants to use marriage as an excuse to leave his old parents to live without him or guys who already live alone away from their family for whatever reason. There is someone out there according to our wishes. We just have to look for them :slight_smile:

14

Re: problemmmo

It's ideal to live with in-laws, and many girls want to do this because most of the time their mother's/grandmother's did the same. However, in the changing society, where there is more of a sense of indepedence and freedom, living with the in-laws is just not part of this living. However, girls must remember that they too have parents, and how would they feel if their parents were left alone.

15

Re: problemmmo

^My parents would be happy to have the house to themselves.. (dad anyway)..

In terms of desi parents they're prob the minority in that they think this way but my dad actually asked my brother and his wife to move out as he missed his privacy, not being able to sit downstairs in his dressing gown etc. He also felt my brother was starting to take liberties eg making decisions as if he was the 'man of the house', expecting my mum to wait on him hand on foot and so on and altho my mum was quite happy to put him on a pedestal my dad felt it wasn't healthy for either of them to be so dependent on each other..

16

Re: problemmmo

Agree..

I don't think it's a bad idea to bring it up at all as long as she says it in the right way.. If it's a big deal to her better to speak up now and try and resolve the issue than end up bitter or resentful later..

17

Re: problemmmo

Count me in tooo.....

I live in a separate family system ..... so i really want to live in a joint family. After my sisters marriage i feel so lonely at home that now i want to live in a joint family system where i have some nands and dewars and jeths whatever... :p

18

Re: problemmmo

OP your friend should have talked to her in-laws before engagement... now its a big risk. If she wants to take a risk then she should discuss it with her fiancee in a polite way. I think she should use indirect way... and ask him first what he prefers then tell him what does she think about joint family system.... don't say that she doesn't like MIL interference etc... but give some good logics...

19

Re: problemmmo

I will let you daydream. I was the same way…said the same things. In fact, I am sure some of my old posts are around here somewhere…:hinna:

Anyway, OP please make sure your friend DOES discuss this before signing her life away. If she finds out later that this is an issue her fiance will absolutely NOT budge on…its better she knows now.

20

Re: problemmmo

If that is an important point for her then she should speak to him asap and avoid wasting each others time. It is best to get everything in black and white before marriage rather than to argue or be depressed after marriage.