Problematic?

[soconfused]

Re: Problematic?

@redvelvet

^If you don’t put a stop to this behavior of his now…you’re letting him develop a habit. Ask him if he would like it if YOU talked bad about his dad to his face? And then ask him that if he were to get angry…then would he be “biased”? Remind him that most people, in general, do not like hearing others insult their parents to their face. It’s human nature…and that two people can also choose to communicate concerns in a more decent way…and keep the name-calling/condescension out of the discussion. One always has control over their word-choice. Tell him that you acknowledge that your dad’s behavior was not the greatest and you’re open to discussing solutions respecfully.

As for your dad…have a talk with him and tell him that you understand and appreciate that he wants you to have a happy marriage and that’s why he’s asking questions and doing his research…but request that he do it in a more nicer way…because that makes the person answering the questions feel more at ease…whereas if you offend the person…then that can lead to them giving answers in a defensive way…which leads to greater room for misunderstandings and negative speculation…and just breaks the whole communication process down.

@redvelvet

MsAshoo…even though your father may be the greater one at fault…it’s not acceptable behavior for him to be venting out his frustration about your dad in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and for you to tell him that “I don’t like it.” Fine…if you think your dad is more at fault…so be it. But to downplay or make excuses for another issue…it not wise. The whole “you’re biased” reasoning just doesn’t sound right to me. If this guy is only discussing the actions of your father and how they made his family feel is one thing…maybe that won’t make you feel so uneasy. But if you feel that your boyfriend’s choice of words is offensive…then I do believe that’s an issue that needs to be discussed and shouldn’t be downplayed. I’ve seen marriages hurt over this behavior…which can develop into a habit.

RV is right. I let a guy and his family get offended at my dad’s simple logical questions and let them ‘vent’ about it to me and then the rishta ended because woh itnay sarh pe charh gaye that they couldn’t handle that my dad wasn’t just “trusting them” and handing me over to them but instead wanted to find out about the family and make sure the guy had a job before. He shouldn’t be saying that about your father especially because he needs to understand that your father LOVES YOU and is doing this to make sure he’s satisfied.
Basically I had a thread about something similar. So this guy’s fam came over for a rishta a while ago and my dad–who is really protective of me–took the guy out to lunch and asked him a bunch of questions. The guy was in school and my dad was concerned about his future/income/job, my dad also asked him if he prayed and other random stuff because these people were COMPLETE strangers. Now the guy got butthurt and his parents were rude to mine and basically ended the rishta, then they came back a few days later and apologize (I actually had a thread about this)…fast forward 3 months later and the guy’s father got offended about how we wanted to do a check on their family and was mad that we asked about family stuff and the rishta is over…turns out they lied to my family a LOT and my dad was right in questioning them…my dad never got over how they disrespected him the first time and how the boy was a momma’s baby and got hurt by completely logical questoins so he wasn’t really putting any effort into it either, ultimately helping it end.

I mean you know this guy and you say you love him so that situation might not be entirely relevant but what I’m trying to say is that if the family’s feel offended/disprespected by COMPLETELY NORMAL QUESTIONS coming from someone about to hand their daughter over in marriage:

1. be concerned. I brushed it off and said that my dad was probably rude but my dad was ABSOLUTELY right. The guy’s side LIED TO ME about things like promising to let me go to school and etc…it always concerns me when family’s get really touchy about questioning…you know how important family is to desi ppl so why would you be soooo offended when someone asks for info. On top of that, we ended it because I initially didn’t stop them from getting so “offended” at my dad and his family started throwing fits whenever we wouldn’t blindly trust them.

2. understand that because desi people tend to be stubborn, ths might not go away…at least for a while. I know of couples whose parents STILL hold grudges and some of their marriages are in trouble because they don’t have the support or guidance of elders.