Problematic?

Re: Problematic?

a divorce really? do you think it was some other reason that is making them separate or maybe it was just their relationship? if they were that weak together why even bothered to get married after all the problem. My guy suggested he would marry me even if our parents didnt support us thats how much he loves me. Its hard to believe it could create bigger problems leading to a divorce. Did both families live in the same town and have a lot of contact? I am not too close to my father but ofcourse I love him a lot

Re: Problematic?

thats fine

if you two trust each other so much and want this to really work out you >>> there are creative ways to make that happen, but anyhow thats not the point of this converation

so 2 weeks, not to far away all the best (Y)

Re: Problematic?

wait wait wait

you are making a HUGE assumption and basing your explanation on it

firstly you have assumed it is behaviour
and then you assume it will become into a habit

from the sound of it the guy seems pretty reasonable and he is not in any sense whatsoever a ego-driven guy as we have seen in other cases. so i suggest clarifcation on this with her first

Re: Problematic?

well that's their situation, their's was a "love" marriage, but this whole insult to family honor happened even before their marriage, the two still decided to get married even if the two sides didn't get along, it's never really a good sign when the marriage starts out on a bad note. the guy was very emotionally unavailable after marriage even if he said that they would make it work together, there were other things in the guy's personality that caused more problems, anger issues and not very compromising. anyways, i felt really bad for this girl and what she went through. obviously i don't know every detail of their relationship and what else went wrong.

your guy probably loves you a lot and he might even try to change so he can get along with your family just for your sake. and since you aren't really that close to your father then i'm guessing you'll be able to handle all this in the future. Hope the love between you two lasts

on GS we don't know your father or you or your guy well. think it through really hard before you make any commitments and dont make any decision purely based on emotions. Dont rush things, see things practically and see if there is a strong foundation to your relationship with this guy, if there is great, it just might last.
May Allah give you strength and hope he looks over you two

Re: Problematic?

The guy is not the issue here at all =) The next 2 weeks are very crucial indeed if we overcome that then it will be all good Inshallah

Re: Problematic?

I think my case is a bit different. The rest of his family and the rest of my family really like each other and have been getting along well. My dad probably doesnt even know how his dad feels about him and he has crossed over to the good side and is happy with this rishta. His dad although has said yes too but his ego/grudge can cause future issues in their interaction from now till the baat pakki which should be in 2 weeks Inshallah. So tab tak its all the what if buts and abouts going on in my head.

Re: Problematic?

MsAshoo....even though your father may be the greater one at fault....it's not acceptable behavior for him to be venting out his frustration about your dad in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and for you to tell him that "I don't like it." Fine...if you think your dad is more at fault...so be it. But to downplay or make excuses for another issue....it not wise. The whole "you're biased" reasoning just doesn't sound right to me. If this guy is only discussing the actions of your father and how they made his family feel is one thing....maybe that won't make you feel so uneasy. But if you feel that your boyfriend's choice of words is offensive...then I do believe that's an issue that needs to be discussed and shouldn't be downplayed. I've seen marriages hurt over this behavior...which can develop into a habit.

Re: Problematic?

Any type of action…is called a behavior. It almost seems as though you think that an “action” needs to take place often enough to be considered a “behavior.” It’s common sense that when some action (let’s call it an “action” since you seem to to have issues with the word “behavior”) is inappropriate or makes you feel uncomfortable…you need to find a way to make it known that it is unacceptable and should not be repeated in the future. When a bacha makes a mistake…the parents address the issue to let him/her know that it shouldn’t be repeated. They don’t wait to see if the “action” will become a routine thing…to address it. They don’t think to themselves “Gee, we don’t want to make assumptions…let’s wait to see if it happens again and again…phir hum kuch karain ge.” And this is not only the case with children…it applies to other relationships as well. Relationships have boundaries and they need to be set and discussed.

I’m not saying that the dad is not wrong. He might be the more guilty party in this situaiton. But just becase the father is more at fault…doesn’t mean that other people’s mistakes shouldn’t be addressed.

She said that when he vents out his frustration over her dad…it makes her uncomfortable and she has told him she doesn’t like it. Why? If he’s only discussing the dad’s actions and how they made his family feel…okay fine. But if his discussion is tinged with ridicule or is offensive…then is that really acceptable? Is “frustration” a justifiable excuse for disrespect for either her dad or her boyfriend? And for a guy to say “you’re biased”…yeah I see a problem with that reasoning. It’s natural for one to be sensitive to hearing criticism about their own parents…even if they know that their parents are wrong. The manner in which something is done is important. She has not specified why exactly she feels uncomfortabel when he does this…but if it’s a problem…then it needs to be addressed. This is a point that was ALSO brought up by previous posters…such as Paheli. And it’s a reasonable point…but I guess you’re more included to go after some posters than others. The OP has also said that she had the biggest fight over this issue (of how her boyfriend talks about her father) and she almost walked out of the relationship. So, don’t downplay the issue Shehryaar…by saying that he seems “normal and without any ego” Har banday k paas ego hota hai.

But again…I’m sure…you will come up with some “logical” reason for why that is not so. You’re right Shehryar…I’m wrong. The OP should log onto ancestry.com to find out what she’s getting herself into. It’s yet another one of your posts where you can’t even consider the faults of the guy…and expect the girl to tolerate her SO’s behavior because somehow you consider it justified. That’s the problem…when someone is expected to tolerate too much…or chooses to tolerate too much…the relationship can break down. :rolleyes:

Re: Problematic?

man

if a scratch my ear once and never do that again... is that action or behaviour?

if someone complaints once about someone's father, is that action or behaviour?

a consistent action is a behaviour and that is my point - if the guy consistently points out things about her father we can say its his behaviour

anyhow all i said not was not to debate on action behaviour w/e - i simple suggested ask her if this guy is consistent with having issues with her dad hence behaviour or not

Re: Problematic?

Elope :k:

Re: Problematic?

Do a song and dance routine with your fiance and that should solve everything.

Re: Problematic?

After my recent experiences and from seeing other people, my dad's unhappiness or drama bw the family would be a dealbreaker. I can't deal with taanay for the rest of my life and I want my husband to be a part of my family, not to avoid going to things because he doesn't get along with my dad.

Re: Problematic?

RV is right. I let a guy and his family get offended at my dad's simple logical questions and let them 'vent' about it to me and then the rishta ended because woh itnay sarh pe charh gaye that they couldn't handle that my dad wasn't just "trusting them" and handing me over to them but instead wanted to find out about the family and make sure the guy had a job before. He shouldn't be saying that about your father especially because he needs to understand that your father LOVES YOU and is doing this to make sure he's satisfied.
Basically I had a thread about something similar. So this guy's fam came over for a rishta a while ago and my dad--who is really protective of me--took the guy out to lunch and asked him a bunch of questions. The guy was in school and my dad was concerned about his future/income/job, my dad also asked him if he prayed and other random stuff because these people were COMPLETE strangers. Now the guy got butthurt and his parents were rude to mine and basically ended the rishta, then they came back a few days later and apologize (I actually had a thread about this)...fast forward 3 months later and the guy's father got offended about how we wanted to do a check on their family and was mad that we asked about family stuff and the rishta is over...turns out they lied to my family a LOT and my dad was right in questioning them...my dad never got over how they disrespected him the first time and how the boy was a momma's baby and got hurt by completely logical questoins so he wasn't really putting any effort into it either, ultimately helping it end.

I mean you know this guy and you say you love him so that situation might not be entirely relevant but what I'm trying to say is that if the family's feel offended/disprespected by COMPLETELY NORMAL QUESTIONS coming from someone about to hand their daughter over in marriage:

1) be concerned. I brushed it off and said that my dad was probably rude but my dad was ABSOLUTELY right. The guy's side LIED TO ME about things like promising to let me go to school and etc...it always concerns me when family's get really touchy about questioning...you know how important family is to desi ppl so why would you be soooo offended when someone asks for info. On top of that, we ended it because I initially didn't stop them from getting so "offended" at my dad and his family started throwing fits whenever we wouldn't blindly trust them.

2) understand that because desi people tend to be stubborn, ths might not go away...at least for a while. I know of couples whose parents STILL hold grudges and some of their marriages are in trouble because they don't have the support or guidance of elders.

Re: Problematic?

What? No evil mother in law? Meh
Try the fish face. It might solve the problem

Re: Problematic?

An action is a synonym for behavior. Don’t believe it (I wouldn’t be surprised)? Look it up in the dictionary. Gosh some people just stick to posting in urdu, a language they have a better grasp of. :rolleyes:

Should a person always wait for consistency? Is it such a bad thing if a person tries to nip things in the bud? I don’t think so. The OP already mentioend that she almost walked out of the relationship due to this behavior of his…and that’s pretty a big deal…things must have gotten SO BAD that she was contemplating ending the relationship. But of course…you tend to be subscriber of the sati savitri must quietly tolerate approach. What else is new? :rolleyes:

Re: Problematic?

action (n) - something done

"activity, agility, alacrity, alertness, animation, bag, ballgame, big idea, bit, business, bustle, commotion, dash, deal, energy, enterprise, flurry, force, functioning, game, going, happening, haste, hoopla*, hopper, in the works, industry, life, liveliness, motion, movement, occupation, operation, plan, power, process, proposition, racket, reaction, response, rush, scene, spirit, stir, stunt, trip, turmoil, vigor, vim, vitality, vivacity "

behavior (n) - manner of conducting oneself

"act, action, address, air, attitude, bag*, bearing, carriage, code, comportment, conduct, convention, course, dealings, decency, decorum, deed, delivery, demeanor, deportment, ethics, etiquette, expression, form, front, guise, habits, management, mien, mode, morals, nature, observance, performance, practice, presence, propriety, ritual, role, routine, savoir-faire, seemliness, social graces, speech, style, tact, talk, taste, tenue, tone, way, way of life, ways, what’s done "

you do not see behaviour as a synonym of action yet action can be a synonym of behaviour (because a particular behaviour can be an action, while a particular action cannot be a behaviour; rather a set of (consistent) actions can collectively called a behaviour

“Similarly, he expired means the sa
me as he died, yet my passport has expired cannot be replaced by my passport has died.”

"Some lexicographers claim that no synonyms have exactly the same meaning (in all contexts or social levels of language) because etymology, orthography, phonic qualities, ambiguous meanings, usage, etc. make them unique. Different words that are similar in meaning usually differ for a reason: feline is more formal than cat; long and extended are only synonyms in one usage and not in others (for example, a long arm is not the same as an extended arm). "

hence you cannnot replace the word ‘action’ in some of the following sentences with ‘behaviour’ and make sense/keep the same meaning >>>>

"

[LIST]

  1. He was critical of the government’s actions before the war.

  2. a military action against another country

  3. She tried to explain her actions.

  4. I accept full responsibility for my actions.

  5. The situation demanded immediate action.

  6. The problem may require military action.

  7. The school took disciplinary action against the drunken students.

  8. They decided that no further action was necessary.

[/LIST]"

"
I’m surprised by her bad behavior toward her friends.

  1. Students will be rewarded for good behavior.

  2. scientists studying the behavior of elephants

  3. An acceptable social behavior in one country may be unacceptable in another country.

  4. Doctors are trying to educate people about behaviors that can put them at increased risk for skin cancer.

  5. The experiment tested the behavior of various metals under heat and pressure.

"

behaviour – actions

if you read the webster dictionary rather than the dictionary.com, here are the synonyms for behavior

"Synonyms: actions, address, bearing, comportment, conduct, demeanor, deportment, geste (also gest) "

behaviour/behavior - w/e

for action -

Synonyms: act, deed, doing, exploit, feat, thing

ps i go to great extent to avoid such lengthly posts, :frowning: but alas.

I hope this helps.

Re: Problematic?

Just quote things, Shehryar. Your posts would make more sense that away as opposed to attempting the explanations yourself.

Rather than going nuts over a technicallity, why don't you just get it through your head that the OP had already thought of ending the relationship over this particular behavior of her boyfriend's. Had he only done it once..I doubt she would have contemplated such a step. It is likely that it was repeated often..for her to get to that stage. Read posts carefully instead of making assumptions/making assumptions about the posts of those who respond. If a person (adult/child) enganges in an action....and someone says "I was disappointed with your behavior"....for you it's wrong to use the word "behavior" if the action didn't take place more than once? To call out a poster beause they used the word "behavior" instead of "action" in their post......seriously? That's ridiculous....even for you.

Re: Problematic?

you went into technicality i avoid doing that all the time >>> all i said YOU cannot say if someone disrespected once or twice that is it his behavior and then you went on to defend yourself action behavior same thing ...

now, if you dont understand my posts, thats a totally diff issue and ...

getting to the topic at hand, i still have to post my remarks ...