Problematic?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So my rishta story with the guy i love started off on a rough patch 2 years ago. The guys father felt insulted and still holds a grudge against mine. My dad could be difficult at times to deal with and since this guys family was complete outsiders/strangers from a different state and quite far from our home my dad showed resentment against it. After almost 2 years of waiting and etc my mom convinced him to finally agree to it but over the initial meeting with his family he asked a lot of questions to find out about them which made them feel that my dad obviously didnt trust them and was doing an outright check in their faces. They havnt said anything to us but i was told this by my guy. This guy is extremely loyal to me and someone i can trust. I feel sad about the whole situation. What should i be doing? I see and understand where my dad comes from and personally i thought that it was normal to do? Would you get offended if u were this guys father? The guy although is always respectful of my family but i know that he dislikes my father because of all of this and even though he tries to hide it sometimes out of all the frustration from this rishta process which has been a long wait he says stuff about my dad which really bothers me and ive told him that i dont like it but he tells me that he is only telling me how he feels and that im being biased if i try to defend my dad. Is there a chance both fathers will start liking each other and get a long well in the future. I am really not feeling comfortable about it :frowning:

2

Re: Problematic?

Since the marriage is between you and this guy everybody else is irrelevant.
As long as your dad does not challenge this your intended FIL to a duel it is all good.
They will start liking each other when they will have chance to tell each other in details about why they did what they did and apologize to each other and you two will live happily ever after they will calm down too. Once your intended husband gives your dad the respect he deserves a a Son In Law , your guy will reciprocate and they will start loving each other.

3

Re: Problematic?

Just say to your guy that your Dad was just making sure that I was going to a decent family and was doing what any father would do when contemplating his daughters rishta. Yes, his questions may have been intrusive and could be interpreted as rude, but would you be any different if you were thinking about our daughters rishta..?

I dunno, when things at the rishta stage don't go too well, it affects the marriage. Asian people can be so stubborn and can hold a grudge for decades over such irrelevant matters that it creates resentment. What happens when both families get together for a grandchilds 1st birthday party?..

Thngs need to be smoothed over sooner rather than later..

4

Re: Problematic?

None of us can tell you what the future holds. None of us have any idea whether or not the father will get along in the future....OR start disliking each other even more.

So that being said....your potential future husband already makes comments about your dad that bothers you....even though he's aware that it bothers you.

So you need to imagine the worst case scenario....the father continue disliking each other. You marry this guy and he continues to make comments about your father....heck he may even make "comments" about your father in front of your future children. Understand and accept that there is a good possiblity this will hapenn if you marry this guy. And then ask yourself....are YOU ok with that.

That should give you that answer as to how you should proceed with this rishta. There are no "guarantees" in this situation. You just need to ask yourself if you're prepared to deal with the worst case scenario.

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Re: Problematic?

I did, and his answer was that him and his family have only dealt with honest people and that my father is being judgemental and etc etc and how their family could have asked questions too and how if my dad was so concerned he should have tried to find out by going over there. My dad did not feel comfortable marrying me outside so he did not return their call after they showed interest to ask for my rishta before. It is all so frustrating. Although i know that he loves me and will be very respectful towards my family but i want him and his familly to whole heartedly like my family. Sometimes first impressions can be the last but what do you do when the first impression goes so wrong. My dad is very much respected in the community he is a simple and a very educated guy. It hurts me to think about what my in-laws to be think of him while he was only looking out for me. With someone who has a daughter/sister of their own why is it so hard to get over it?

6

Re: Problematic?

When people's pride get hurt and their reputation is questioned, it can be a difficult thing for some to get over. Since their family really doesn't know yours as such and they felt like they were put under a microscope (in the first meeting) when maybe they thought it was just going to be all discussing formalities of how to prceed with the rishta? Who knows. It's a tough predicament to be in. Best of luck, but honestly things don't look that good, especially if your guy already has negative feelings towards your dad. I kinda get both sides of it, your dad was doing what he thought was in your best interest, but perhaps the way he went about it wasn't the best of ways. Good luck and hopefully things will sort out for the best for you.

7

Re: Problematic?

One thing i know for sure is that i will never allow him to disrespect my father. Our biggest fight in 2 years was over this where i almost walked out of it and eversince then he has controlled over his opinion about him but since we are currently dealing with the rishta every day and in between the discussions about how to handle the situations arising he brings it up since according to him all the trouble came from my side and he fails to understand that if my dad acted the way he did its because he is a girls father. And his father has the ego of a giant. We both love each other and leaving is not an option. He has already told me that he would never disrespect my dad. The problem is with his dad. Although after everything is resolved and the wedding is over we both can handle it. Right now i sort of have a guilty feeling that im allowing my dad to be disrescpected behind his back. Am i being selfish?

8

Re: Problematic?

The question is for how many of you would that be a deal breaker?
Please keep in mind we both love each other and he has been the absolute best aside from all of this.

9

Re: Problematic?

To be honest....I'm in a similar situation with my fiance. But in my case...the problem is with me. We're not the same culture and since our engagement....his parents have made some comments about mine that I found really offensive.

Before the engagement....my parents had an issue with his culture and that upset fiance and we went through a "phase".

I knew back then he wasn't happy with my parents reaction....BUT he was never disrespectful about them. These days....He knows I'm not happy with his parents and am holding a grudge against them....but I always watch my words & thus it's not an issue. Our parents live HOURS away from us so that helps too.

At the end of the day....as long and you and him are able to control your own words/actions...then everything should be fine. :)

10

Re: Problematic?

Really can't comment much on the situation as we don't know how badly your dad's questioning etc had been taken by the guy's family. But I can say that after marriage it's natural for a girl to become more possessive about her parents as she's away from them. And things can get awkward if your SO or his family hurls disrespectful remarks it's likely to hurt you alot more and would make you more defensive.

So you should try keep this in mind that little issues at the time of rishtas can sometimes (not always though) lead to awkward situations and you would have to be the unwilling listener as the representative of your side of family. At least till the rishta gets finalised and uptill your wedding you and your guy should both try to create a good impression of each others families on your parents.

IA as everything would progress things would likely cool down and sort out but you would both have to be together on this. Otherwise any more bitter incident could lead to an eventual deal breaker.

11

Re: Problematic?

On the faces both families have been very respectful to each other. My dad no longer has any issues. He was just hesistant to get me married there because he didnt know their family since there was no mutual 3 contact my dad decided to directly inquire about his family from them not in a disrespectful way though. His dad basically felt insulted because 2 years ago and then 6 months after that they had initiated a rishta that my dad rejected and when he did he decided to not even tell them basically he never called them back. My guy told me how his dads ego has been affected and that he would not call my dad again. Our moms have been talking and get along well so the third time it was initiated by my side after my mom made my dad agree to it. Now it appears like its all well but only i know that his dad still holds a grudge that hasnt come out yet but it could if his dad gets offended again for any reason. There will be no obvious disrespect but since we both discuss everything thats going on with the progress im aware that his family is not taking all the questioning so well. Do you guys think my dad was wrong? Do you think i can make them see my dads concern perhalps later on and the grudge will go away? They live really far from us so they will not be meeting much anyways but the whole situation is putting a dent in my perfect world and a sought after dream marriage

12

Re: Problematic?

Honestly....worrying about these things will only make you unhappy.

Does it matter whether or not we (or you) think your dad is wrong or right? What difference does tha tmake?

If the "grudge" goes away in the future....that's great. But in order for you and your future husband to have a happly life....you need to stay focused on YOUR relationship with him. By spending time worrying about who was right and who was wrong...or worrying about how to "fix" other people's relationships....you'll only cause yourself heartache.

13

Re: Problematic?

You know you are so right =) Im glad they have been respectful thus far despite the grudge and the problems so atleast its not awkward between them when they meet. Its bothering to us that they are not getting along so well but Inshallah it will turn out well in the end. Tou grudge rakhain to rakhain mujhe kya haha wish i could have that attitude but i will try to not stress over it anymore

14

Re: Problematic?

As long is everyone treats each other with respect.....that's all that matters. Life is too short and marriage is hard enough already.......spending time worrying about what's going through other people's heads and what someone else "thinks" is a waste of precious time in my opinion.

You and your fiance need to focus on your relationship and worry about each other. Sooner or later....everything else will fall into place. :)

15

Re: Problematic?

See I tried to answer you, but you have given very few details. But you see if you consider your wifes father as your own, then you dont want to have someone you would love to meet, respect, etc. and expect the same in return. But if your father is not like that then a guy may stay away from the rista no matter how much he loves you.

Now, the case may be totally different considering that if the guy doesnt care about anyone (your parents, his parents) and wants to live away from everyone.

What is the update on the rista process? Has it gotten anywhere?

16

Re: Problematic?

Another thing, all i have read so far is respect/disrespect related to your father, from your side as well as his. He has kept his mouth shout because i does not want to say anything disrespectful about your father. What are you going to do when he mentions respect of his father.

May the whole situation may boil down to is his father's respect or are you more dear to him...

17

Re: Problematic?

i can tell you from an acquaintance's situation that a similar type grudge thing happened with the two sides(his and her families), the elder generation almost never changes, even if one set of parents try to get along with the other set that felt insulted, the guy's parents never really welcomed her parents, they were all fake when they HAD to meet. future arguments did occur between the two sides so grudges weren't forgotten

who knows, maybe in your situation the guy will be flexible and change, bend for the sake of your future happiness together(you know act like an adult or the bigger person and forget the grudge).

but if you can get yourself ready for future tensions between your guy and your father and be ready for your fiance, he would be your husband later i guess, to not really get along with your father and whether you'll be able to handle that just in case you're very close to your father.

It's up to you to look at their personalities and figure out what you should do.

18

Re: Problematic?

oh im sure no one will disrespect one another because the intent to disrespect was never there from both sides. Its more like a grudge and a ego hit in the past that is making the whole process a bit rough when it should have been smooth. My dad has finally said yes but by nature he is prone to asking questions to help himself develop trust for this family (we have had a few marriage related frauds in the family). His dad takes this offensively. The guy is worried that my dad will say something that will make his dad get pissed even though he has promised to him that he will not be the one to start trouble he is worried because thats his nature. Im worried that my dad will not stop asking questions till there is an official baat paki. They are meeting in about 2 weeks and thats why we both are worried as to what will happen. If either one of them are unhappy it will become close to impossible to convince them.

I have never said a word about him or his family whereas he has about mine. He has already mentioned disrespect to his father in my dads attitude but he realizes that it is not my fault. I told him that if he doesnt like him then he doesnt have to meet him after shaadi or what not but i would not allow him to disrespect him and he would never stop me from meeting my family

Im concerned because i would like it to be a happy ending by all. I wish for them to like me and my family and not hold a grudge because that could lead them to mistreat me in the future. I am almost sure my guy will protect me i trust him that much but i dont want to have any negative vibe around us that could affect our relationship

19

Re: Problematic?

in the acquaintance's situation, it was a harmless inquiry about the guy's family background that was taken in the most personal way possible, they got unnecessarily insulted even if it was a natural question to ask in the whole marriage process. desis tend to be very emotional and take everything in such a sensitive way that somehow it turned into a grudge. a harmless inquiry was seen as an insult to their family honor.

the girl and guy were both very close to their respective parents so it did create problems in their relationship with one another, in the future. more problems got piled on since the previous grudges never got forgotten, they're kind of divorced now. too many problems

i just wanted to relate it to your situation and i hope your situation gets better. anyways, good luck

20

Re: Problematic?

^If you don't put a stop to this behavior of his now...you're letting him develop a habit. Ask him if he would like it if YOU talked bad about his dad to his face? And then ask him that if he were to get angry....then would he be "biased"? Remind him that most people, in general, do not like hearing others insult their parents to their face. It's human nature....and that two people can also choose to communicate concerns in a more decent way....and keep the name-calling/condescension out of the discussion. One always has control over their word-choice. Tell him that you acknowledge that your dad's behavior was not the greatest and you're open to discussing solutions respecfully.

As for your dad....have a talk with him and tell him that you understand and appreciate that he wants you to have a happy marriage and that's why he's asking questions and doing his research....but request that he do it in a more nicer way.....because that makes the person answering the questions feel more at ease..........whereas if you offend the person......then that can lead to them giving answers in a defensive way...which leads to greater room for misunderstandings and negative speculation....and just breaks the whole communication process down.