Problem

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi Guys got engaged (nkahed) to guy a few months back, I have been bought up in the west and well him in Paki. Now when I talk to him I find we have nothing in common all he knows how to say is ji ji and well he seems a bit slow. Just wanting feedback from girls who imported guys from Paki how did you cope with the differences in well everthing. Did you think it was weird at first but then catch on. This was an arranged marriage I did not ask to speak to the guy before hand. I am desperate to make this work but this seems so bad as I don’t want to screw up my or his life. How do i come to the same level with him and well accept one another.

2

Re: Problem

You will bring ruin upon a simple man...His need is a simple wife like himself so he can lead a simple, uncomplicated life, hassle free...

You are brought up in the west...You want drama, excitement, this and that...

You, I can see from your post, are incapable of changing yourself...It has to be a very flexible woman and flexible man to make a marriage work...But the woman has to be more flexible because she will be moving in to a new family with new values and settings...Most well brought up girls from cultured families assimilate well into their new homes...It is generations of good breeding...This breeding is rubbed off for those girls who consider themselves above their husbands for being abroad...

Thing is, he is not slow...You are too fast...He would wish to take things slow to enjoy life and the pleasures it has to offer...You wish to have it all now, here and forever.

Unless you change and become flexible, you will remain unhappy...

Appreciate your husband's good side...Admire him and love him and he will do the same in return...If you keep looking at the things which you don't like, then good luck...

The values of you two are different...He is not slow, just different from you...Don't make the childish and asinine assumption that you are in some way superior to him...That is the thinking of idiots and that's what brings ruin upon their souls...

3

Re: Problem

Didn’t you think you’d have these problems marrying someone from back home? It’s your own fault for not even talking to him (if you had the option of doing so), if you had maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation..but now ur stuck so just deal w/ it. :k:

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Dude!!Why r u getting sooo personal...!! Stop acting on your stereotypes and Back off!!... Stay on topic rather then getting all personal on a girl u know nothing off....She asked a question that cocerns her...she didnt come here so folks like u can get down and dirty on her...Back Off...very inappropriate of you..I must say!!!

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I think having engagement and then finding more if u guys r compatible for a life long relationship is very wise...I agree that u donot want to ruin your own life neither his....
U do need to set the priorities and expectations in front...Being brought up in different places does bring a lot of differences since the expectations r altered...Try reading some books like Dr Phils Life strageties or maybe finding your Authentic self....U have to know yourself in order to contribute to a lifelong relationship...Think hard and also ask his expectations etc...Have open conversations about Hopes and Dreams...
Good Luck and keep us posted:)

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Re: Problem

Lajjo that was quite a terrible post. You can see from her few lines what sort of person she is? Hain? i live to see the miracles of humanity.

Zash you got yourself in a bit of sticky position but give it a chance, pray hard and be patient, some guys take time to open up though most of them remain a bit slow :D (sorry i just can't help myself at times)
Yeah so if you have absolutely nothing in common just wait and see you might develop some sort of bond. Marriage is a sacred relationship, atleast make an effort before you call quits. Allah helps those who help themselves.
I wish you well.

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urghhh i duno why marriages like guys frm abroad n gurls frm Pak and girls frm abroad n guys frm Pak even happen they bring so much problems in relationships :S

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Re: Problem

If you feel that it isn't going to work out for both of you, then you should definitely tell your parents.

Thats the thing, guys/girls from Pakistan have a different mentality than guys/girls who are raised in the West. I'm sure you put a lot of thought into it, as getting engaged isn't just something you randomly decide to do. I thought I would marry a guy from back home but honestly after spending a whole summer in Pakistan, I would never think twice about it caz we are on two totally different wavelengths.

If for some reason you two are VERY incompatible and don't see eye-to-eye, its most appropriate that you do him & yourself a huge favor and discuss with your parents. I'm sure you don't want to live a miserable life, no one does.

Do an Isthikhara and just pray that ALLAH helps you in your situation.

Do let us know..

9

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i thought she was saying engaged but meant nikha?

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You are already "nikkafied" so there isnt much you can do about it at this point except give it some time. From my understanding.....it takes at least 2-5 years for a married couple to really get to know each other. You cant and wont get to know him over night....so just hang in there.

Girls/guys from the west are more direct with the way they communicate with people. Perhaps he needs more time to open up...so dont give up on him just yet!

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Re: Problem

It is going to be a long process of understanding and learning to know each other. If he is from a middle class family and is not very good in speaking in English, then he is already intimidated by you. Some guys are shy by nature. Work on him , try to speak in urdu , panjabi or whatever his language is, build a bond and trust and then he will open up to you. Tell him to send you an e-mail or write to you. Some people are better at expressing their feelings in writing. Good luck!

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Re: Problem

Lajjo, that post was incredibly rude, to say the least, and filled with assumptions. How do you know that Zash is incapable of adjusting - and how do you know that her husband is "simple" or willing to adjust? How do you know that she will be living in and "assimilating" with his family at all. A lot of guys who marry girls from the west end up moving here.

Did you have a bad experience with a girl who was too "fast" for you, because that's about the only thing I can deduce from your post.

Zash - Communication is always difficult when you begin a marriage. The guy may be intimidated, feel badly because he can't communicate well with you, or nervous at the prospect of moving to the west, if that is the plan. Since you never spoke before marriage, you may not be what he was expecting either.

Give it time and try to let him set the pace of communication for a little while. Don't ask too many questions right away or come on too strongly. A little shyness on your part (even if you have to fake it) may encourage him to take the initiative in conversations. Perhaps e-mail communication would work better for you for a little while.

If you have done the nikkah, and not just an engagement, then you know how difficult it will be to walk away from this. However, if after a few more months of conversation and a lot of istikhara and prayers, you still feel that this marriage is not right, the time to do something about it is now, before the rukhsati.

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Re: Problem

divorce him, and save yourself.

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Its early still and no harm done if you decide not to continue the relationship right? Try to engage him and hash it out. Perhaps he's just shy and in the "desi mentality"...perhaps he would be able to and want to adapt to the fast pace of western life. Perhaps also, you might want to slow down and enjoy the slower pace of desi life.

Just remember, this is IMPORTANT. Talk it out with him. Make a GOOD decision. Based on being honest and open with the guy. This is the single biggest decision of you life so be careful with it and treat it with the respect and consideration it deserves.

And dont listen to jerky attitudes like one above. West is faster paced but who ever said this is better or worse? It just IS. Doesnt make you a better or a worse person for living there, it just gives you a different perspective/outlook on life.

Guppies you met..
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Re: Problem

I find the girls who were born and brought up in the west have a MUCH harder time when it comes to these things. We have the pressure from our parents to be "good Pakistani girls, so people dont talk about us" and blah blah blah blah. At the same time, we grow up in a society where things that are not accepted in Pakistani culture are perfectly normal in the western culture. IF SOMETHING EXISTS IN THE WESTERN CULTURE AND IT DOESNT IN THE PAKI CULTURE, IT DOESNT MEAN THAT ITS A BAD THING. I grew up in a VERY strict family. I wasnt even allowed to have my hair worn down, had to be tied into a bun, in case I got "undesirabe male attention and because fellow pakis will talk about the daughters" - here we are stuck in the middle between two different cultures.

Pakistanis in Pakistan dont have to go through these kinds of things, they only have to deal wth one culture and what they see is what they get. Here, we are stuck between two different cultures and we are basicially confused - whats right and whats wrong? Even when we know whats right and wrong, we have to decide, for which culture is it right? We have a tuff time growing up here and then when we go back to Pakistan, they are more forward then us!!! Things we cannot do in the west - girls are even doing worse in Pakistan. I hear young Karachi girls walking around wearing mini skirts .... if i did that here, my head would be chopped off!! People think that just because we are brought up in the west, it means that we are:

  1. Loose
  2. Have a gazillion boyfriends
  3. Are very rich

In fact, we are very simple people and more down to earth, i can say then most paki brought up girls i have met.

I could go on.... but in response to your question, I would suggest what you do is to speak to him more about the future, what does he plan to do? What are his aspirations? How can you help him achieve those? Being your husband, whatever he achieves is what you achieve. You need to work together as a team and do some life planning. What have you always wanted to do that you couldnt do before marriage? How could he help you? People change and there needs to be a lot of COMPROMISE between BOTH of you. Compromise is the only way that bd situations turn for the better.

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no harm done? they already had their nikkah.

17

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... a person should only be themselves...

18

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...shows how stupid i am...

19

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oops, i guess i missed the nikkah part

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zash

1) open discussion/communication
2) mutual compromises/adjustments discussion and implementaton
3) decision go or no-go

thats the path.