My fiancé has one younger brother who is a year younger than him and he has a younger sister who is 8 yrs younger than him. She is the baby of the family. My fiancé and her r not very close. Since he is the “bara” bhia, she isnt very open to him. Because of that, she isnt very open to me either. Anyways, just recently, she went to a friend’s birthday party and last night my fiancé was surfing the net and checking his facebook n wat not and he happened to land upon the album of the girl’s b’day that his sis went to a few days ago. He saw that his sis was wearing an extremely short, sleeveless dress and all of her pics were really inappropriate. He got REALLY angry. He sent me those pics on e-mail so I can see them too. I told him to calm down and just talk to her. I assured him his sister is a good girl and she probably just got influenced by her peers and he should not yell at her and instead be really nice and talk to her. To that he replied that He will do watever he has to and set her straight and told me not to worry or interfere. He even went as far as saying that he does not care what his parents say, now he will do watever needs to be done. When I tried to calm him down he said that I dont understand what is going through his head right now and I will not understand how he is feeling. He said he has to go cook something and then we just hung up the phone.
Now I am really worried. I really do not want him to do something stupid. I know that he is a very calm and patient guy and I have known him for over 4 years and never seen him THAT angry. His sister is staying at her khala’s house cuz his parents r both in pakistan and him n his brother go to work so no one can drop her to school n stuff. I dont know what will happen when he gets to see her…
Now u guys tell me. Should I still try to talk to him or do u think if I do, it will be interfering? I am really confused…
*u kno what brothers r like with their sisters.. u can try talkin to him if u think it wud make a difference. But u never kno he might of calmed down by the time hes seen her. Or he jus might giv her a gud tellin off. *
I think best approach would be for your fiance to tell his mother and show the pics to her too and she can talk to the daughter. I would feel extremely odd if my brother would talk to me about certain things... even when i am doing it wrong.. clothes.. short clothes.. umm NO... If he diapprove of the way I dress up I would prefer my mom talk to me rather than him telling me he saw my pics in sleevless clothes and hugging guys.. Not that I do that .... but I am just sayin.
she's 15 yrs old.
When I say she isnt close to him... I mean that she does not share her personal life with him. She is quiet close to my BIL but the problem here isnt abt her not being open to him abt her personal life.. its abt the thinking of an older brother when it comes to his little sister behaving like this. I really do not want him to ruin their relationship more. I always wanted to be close to her myself but if my husband isnt that close to his own sister then I cant really expect to be close to her. anyways, I want him to just talk to her and not get angry.
i think she needs to be talk to but as u suggested in a polite and loving manner as i belive its her first infraction. right? secondly, u just, for now, sit on the sidelines and do not interfere. may be call him again and say yes u understand how badly he may be hurt but its wiser to calmly handle the situation and if possible offer ur services to liason between her and ur fiance. cooler heads must prevail. u must NOT push too hard coz u r NOT officially part of the family yet...agree?
I agree khalil. I think I am going to call him again n see how he is feeling now. When we were speaking earlier he was really angry and not listening to ANYTHING I was saying.
she's 15 yrs old.
When I say she isnt close to him... I mean that she does not share her personal life with him. She is quiet close to my BIL but the problem here isnt abt her not being open to him abt her personal life.. its abt the thinking of an older brother when it comes to his little sister behaving like this. I really do not want him to ruin their relationship more. I always wanted to be close to her myself but if my husband isnt that close to his own sister then I cant really expect to be close to her. anyways, I want him to just talk to her and not get angry.
No brother wants to see his 15 y.o sister doing that type of stuff. It may be different when she is an adult and/or married but at her age, its not right at all.
The way I see it, he is 22 and she is 15, at this stage, he is more like a father than a friendly brother, esp since he's the eldest.
I don't agree that he should speak to the mother and rather he should speak to her directly...even if it may be embarrassing.
He really should do what's in her best interest, even if it means she will hate him or be angry at him. IMO the bes tcourse of action would be for him to speak to her when he is calmer. Because really, I know people will disagree with what i say, she really shouldn't be doing this stuff, esp at such a young age. it's a slippery slope and if her brother turns a blind eye and the parents dont notice, she can get into serious trouble.
^ Sara, u REALLY seem to understand the point I am making here! its not his fault that he isnt close to her.. its only cuz he is 23 and she is 15, and yes, he is more like a father than a friendly brother to her. I told him that I agree these pics are inappropriate and I told him I am not saying what she did should not taken seriously, but he needs to calm down n explain to her what she did was wrong and why it was wrong instead of yelling at her. I just want to know should I continue trying to calm him down or should I let him do what he wants? I am sure he will calm down soon cuz he RARELY gets angry.. to be quite honest, this is the first time in over 4 yrs that I have seen him ANGRY.
^ let him do what he needs to do. if he really is a calm guy, m pretty sure he wont do something drastic....dont involve urself unnecessarily.
There's different ways to be a good sibling, u dont have to be best friends with them to be a good one......what about the other brother, if he is friends with her, how does he feel about all this?
Yea I just spoke to him and told him to get his brother to talk to her. He said he will talk to his brother when he gets back from work.
thx for ur help :)
I would suggest that you send your fiance a nice but simple e-mail explaining why you think it's better for him to "talk" to his younger sister. Suggestions should come with reasons. BUT leave the ultimate decision to him and his parents on how to deal with this situation. For example, you can tell him:
" I understand that you're very concerned about your sister. And my intention is not to offend you; I'm only trying to help. The ultimate decision about how to deal with this issue rests with your family and I respect that. My suggestion is that you talk to her calmly because she's young and teenagers require understanding. Sometimes aggressively forcing rules and ideas on another person, especially adolescents, may cause them to develop resentment and to secretly rebel even more. Ask her to explain to the pictures to you. And then you/parents can explain the situation to her from an Islamic standpoint. Once again this is just my suggestion; you're not obligated to follow it. I hope things get better soon."
^ It's their family matter, but at the same time I also feel that if your fiance is someone who is VERY QUICK to get angry and lose control of his emotions, then this is something you and potential children in the future would have to deal with. There's nothing wrong in suggesting one to approach delicate matters in a calm manner.
15yrs old and already acting slutty? Oh well, time to straighten her up but not to harm her in any shape or form.. one thing surprises me that was her parents sleeping all these years? How could they not noticed something is wrong? Such parents are so lazy and a complete waste!For you, it's their problem. let them sort it out, you never ever get your self involve into this mess.. or else the family would think that it was you who pumped him up.
Mc12IT, I would actually kinda blame my MIL and FIL cuz they rnt really blind. It was all happening in front of their eyes. One of her cousins saw her holding hands wit some guy at the mall and told my BIL abt it. He talked to her too and she told him that guy is just a friend. This thing also came infront of her parents cuz that cousin who saw her, his parents were with him too and they told her parents. Her parents did not really do anything..both her brothers were more concerned.
Anyways, about this matter. I just spoke to my BIL about it. He said he will talk to her. I told my fiance to keep quiet until his younger brother talks to her and see wat she says, as she is closer to the younger brother. He has calmed down and said he will not get angry as long as he does not see those pics again... I can understand where he is coming from because when I saw those pics..I was SHOCKED.. so for him as her older brother, they must have been very depressing and hurtful.
We don’t know that she was acting slutty. This could be an ultra-conservative (or fundoo) family, and maybe having an arm around her girlfriend could be construed as her having gone lesbo. We don’t know details, so lets not accuse this 15 yr old girl of being a slut.
^ U really need to stop jumping to conclusions without knowing the entire story. If u read my post properly.. I clearly stated that the the dress was extremely short. I was born n raised in Canada. So was my fiance. His family is not conservative (or fundoo as u r saying). Where in my post does it say she is a slut? I did not imply that and nor do I think that anyone here said she was a slut. All they said was that at her age, dressing like this isnt right..and Islamically speaking, it isnt right at ANY age. His family isnt all that religious, but I am sure if ur daughter or lil sister was dressed the way she was in those pics..u wont be happy either.
Talking abt getting angry over sleeveless clothes? His cousins at PAKISTAN wear sleeveless kameezes with capris shalwars! thats not even an issue. He only got angry because that dress was not only sleeveless but also VERY short. On top of that, those pics r very inappropriate. The kind of poses she is making with that short dress, bending down and showing her ENTIRE back side... and then posting those pics on facebook for the world to see... I am sure even u wont find that very appropriate either!
And since I only posted this topic to see wat others would do if they were in this situation, if u do not have any help to give, PLEASE keep ur unnecessary comments to urself!
She meant that the parents are not extremely religious, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are "ok" with their daughter wearing short/revealing clothes. There are Muslim parents who are not extreme; rather they're fairly moderate, but still dress and conduct themselves in a conservative manner. I don't think the parents have been informed about the situation yet.
We don’t know details, so lets not accuse this 15 yr old girl of being a slut.