Serious replies only please as I will be referring my fiance to this thread once I have a few responses. Please bear with me as it will be long but I will try to be as concise as possible.
We are in the process of getting engaged. I recently spoke with him about wanting to have an engagement party (just both of our close families and close friends - about 100 people was what I had estimated).
He was shocked at me wanting an engagement party as he had thought I didn’t want one and he thinks that they are a waste of money. I hadn’t planned to do anything overly extravagant, just renting out a small hall and getting some caterers to do some food. It wouldn’t have cost too much and my parents would have paid for it.
I thought that we would have had my immediate family (my siblings & parents, and my mums side of the family as dads side is in pk. Mums side consists of her 2 brothers and one sister and their respective spouses and 4 children to each family.) I had also planned to invite 10 of my closest friends who I have known since high school.
Fiance decided to drop the bomb shell that if I wanted an engagement party I would have to invite his whole family as my whole family are going to be there. Now hubby to be’s family is not small at all, they have 6 families (parents & children etc) whre they live and a further 7/8 families in another part of the UK (about a 5 hour drive from the city we live in). He also says that we will have to invite all of his family friends (people that they know/live near etc). This includes a good 6 or so families in itself (again parents and children, because it isn’t possible apparently to invite just the couple in a relationship you have to have the children on the invite too.)
I got really upset, he said that I wanted ‘everything’ and that if there was to be a nikah what was the need for an engagement party (he also wants the nikah to be extremely small - at his house, as opposed to the masjid as I had originally wanted followed by a small reception somehwere for our immediate familes). He has also said that a small nikah is the only option unless I want the whole of his family and friends there as my 4 family extended family are all there, and it wouldn’t be fair to invite the whole of my side and not the whole of his side - even though his family is about 3 times bigger than mine? And why should my parents pay for all those people from his side, including family friends? I just wanted a small engagement, and he has said no engagement is possible unless I invite the whole of his family and family friends.
Anyway - please be honest but no nasty comments, as I am already feeling quite sore from his behaviour regarding the matter. He is usually an understanding caring person.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Your not being unfair at all, if he's that insistent, ask him to cough up 2/3 of what you think it may cost to throw the party, its only reasonable considering he's bringing more flock to the farm.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Maybe hes saying all this because he did not like the engagement idea at all....he wants just nikkah...when is ur nikkah btw?if its in near future then whats the need of an engagement party?n secondly nikkah would be held at his house...so of course they would be paying for the function so he can invite as many ppl as he wants....but if hes forcing u ppl to hold the function and invite all his relatives (when u r not inviting ur every relative)...even door paray ke rishtaydaar...then that is a bit unfair!
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Orpheus, that's the thing that would push up the cost of the event - all the extra people. I could have easily done the whole thing at a reasonable price for my estimated 100 guests.
Milly - we both want a smaller wedding. My personal opinion is that I dont want people there who I rarely see and speak to. I'd rather spend more money on less guests (people that I genuinely want there and care about) and give them a really good time.
Angeleyes - we are scheduled to get married next year insha'Allah.
Soni27 - he isn't delaying things, he would prefer to have the nikah asap. It is my family who have asked for more time as another one of my siblings is getting married this year.
Well he is not wrong if he asks you for his family to be invited to his engagement too. If his family is consisting of more people than yours, its not his fault. BUT at the same time, the guys family should consider that the girls parents r gonna be hosting the ceremony so they should not burden them with a large number of guests. That's only ethical! If they cant get away not inviting each and everyone of their family n frnds then they should co-host the ceremony with you guys.
As for Nikkah, Does your fiance have any particular reason for not wanting to have the nikkah done at mosque?
These matters should be discussed peacefully by understanding each others point of view and opinion.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
As always GS misses the point. Two questions before I give my input.
Did he say that you are forced to invite his entire family or did he say he would need to invite his entire family to this event because of hurt feelings and the like on the ones who were not invited? Essentially meaning if he hand picks people from within his family there shall be drama.
Secondly Does he have a problem with the Engagement party in general or the fact that he is being pushed into a position where he is backed into a corner?
Lastly do not bring up money into this discussion. That is stupidest thing you could ever do right now.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Just invite your siblings and his siblings, two or 3 close friends of urs and get the engagement function done if you really want it! In this way he wont be forcing you to invite his all family as you would not invite yours too!
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Maham, the family members that live near him I can understand and accept. I would be more than happy for them to come. But the family that live a 5 hour drive away he rarely speaks to and they only ever see them when there is a death in the family so I don't get why they needed to be invited for the engagement. Nikah yes, but engagement, no.
Also the nikah venue is not decided yet, there are 3 options for it, my parents house, his parents house or the masjid (followed by a reception elsewhere)
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
hmm.. I would say that if he wants to invite that many number of people then he definately needs to share half of all the expense. Plus it's your wedding and if you want an engagment party then you should have one granted that you don't want a huge one just a simple one. Now as for a happy medium why not do a small engagement with just close family members and then once you have your nikah have a huge reception with all family members? I am sorry I didn't read every single line but I think if you both talk it out and make him understand that it's these moments that you will always remember so to share with close family will be special.. As for relatives if he does want to invite all of his family then sure because it's his engagement as well but he should share the expense with you :)
As always GS misses the point. Two questions before I give my input.
Did he say that you are forced to invite his entire family or did he say he would need to invite his entire family to this event because of hurt feelings and the like on the ones who were not invited? Essentially meaning if he hand picks people from within his family there shall be drama.
Secondly Does he have a problem with the Engagement party in general or the fact that he is being pushed into a position where he is backed into a corner?
Lastly do not bring up money into this discussion. That is stupidest thing you could ever do right now.
He made the point that I want all my family there but don't want his there. It's not that I don't want them there, it's that I want something small with our closest family. Also I don;t see why his family friends have to be there. His response to that was that if I'm inviting my friends then why can't his family invite their family friends. My family would not be inviting any family friends.
He doesn't hav any problem with an engagement party that I know of, he just thinks they are a waste of money. Which to some extent I agree with which is why I had planned to keep it as small as possible. I am not backing him into a corner, I hope that I have not come across like I am forcing this on to him, I only said that I would like an engagement, to which he responded that I waned everything that how I must have seen it done somewhere else to want it for myself.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Coolgirl I said to him that I would compromise and not have the engagement and just go ahead with a nikah so long as he remembers for the rest of his life that I never got the proper lead up to my wedding lol, mean I know :(
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Information on GS is provided in a single view point. It also is provided when emotions are running high and logic is not really there.
Quick question regarding the first paragraph. When you made plans for the engagement party did you include a list of his side of the family? Or ask him who he wanted to be present?
Secondly how many people does he plan on inviting and how many do you? In raw numbers. Because from the people to mentioned I am assuming you would have close to 40 people present for the engagement party.
Maham, the family members that live near him I can understand and accept. I would be more than happy for them to come. But the family that live a 5 hour drive away he rarely speaks to and they only ever see them when there is a death in the family so I don't get why they needed to be invited for the engagement. Nikah yes, but engagement, no.
Also the nikah venue is not decided yet, there are 3 options for it, my parents house, his parents house or the masjid (followed by a reception elsewhere)
I know what you mean and it does make sense BUT you dont know how some families work. No matter how much they meet each other or keep updated about each other in their dialy lives but if they dont get invited to their brothers's nand's son's wedding they wl create a drama. Argh! It is ANNOYING and i also tell my parents to not care abt these things but you really cant let it be. But again, the guy's family should always consider that the ceremony is being held at the other familys expense so they should somehow find a way to cut down the number of people they invite. OR they can always offer to co-host like i said earlier.
For Nikkah, Masjid is the best option and it wl leave out any conflict over your place or his place.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been said.
i have a large family on my dad's side in the UK. anything we do, we HAVE to invite them (including children and grandchildren) all plus the close family friends who are in many respects closer than family to us. given this, if i wanted something 'small' it would have to be immediate family only. there would be no way we could invite just one or two families and leave out the rest.
it is quite possible your fiance doesn't want an engagement party for this reason. if his extended family found out, they'd all expect an invitation and it would go out of scale.
this is how i see it, if you can't easily afford to host all your family and all his family, then it's better to save that money for your future.
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Your not being unfair at all! If he's really insistent on inviting all of his side then his side have to pay for at least half of the engagement party! That's only fair! Why should you rent out a hall/get caterers etc when he's only doing the nikaah at his house?! Just limit his guest - give him specific invites with names on them..Also if the nikaah isn't that far away do you really need to have an engagement party?
Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?
Come'on guys, maybe she really wants an engagement party :(. Though i also think its a waste of money if one is gonne get nikkaofied in 2-3 months BUT if she wants it then she should have it.
I actually agree with your fiance. If YOU insist that an engagement party is warranted to celebrate your engagement, than it would be rude to exclude his family and family friends. The fact that his family is larger than yours and his important/close family friends number higher than your side, is not his fault, it's happenstance.
If you want to curtail the number of his guests, than you have to cut guests from your side as well, i.e. invite immediate family and cut all of the family friends/extended relatives and he should do the same. If you don't want to cut the number of guests, then he should be able to invite the same "category" of guests as you are inviting.
As far as who pays for the engagement party, I would ask him to contribute - but his contribution gives him an equal say in venue, food and how elaborate the party is going to be.
But, why start off your relationship on a sour note - you don't need a party to celebrate your engagement and I think for you to use that as leverage over him (saying you denied me a grand party) will get his back up and make him dig his heels in on his point of view. Each of you needs to give a little and compromise. The relationship is important, not the pomp and circumstance surrounding it.