Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

CM I estimated mine based on close family members (people we see regularly and people whose houses we attended regularly etc. I did the same for them, but didn't count in their family that are a long drive away because I wanted it to be close family only.

Stoppit he said himself that if they didn't invite everyone it would create so many problems and that he would then put me forward to explain it to them lol. I don't get the family friends though, why does he want them there just because I wanted to invite my closest friends? It's just an engagement, it isn't the nikah.

Even with the nikah I don't want them all there if I'm honest, I want to give them a set number of guests thy can invite and then they can host the walima and invite anybody they like and I will only bring my closest family with me.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

That really doesn't answer my question. And the fact that you didn't answer it properly leads me to assume that there was a significant difference in the number you planned on inviting from your side and from his side.

Simply put you want to solve this, you have a 100 people. 50 from your side, 50 from his. End of discussion. Your list already consists of an estimated 40. He can get 40 or 50 of his guys.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

Cupcake a guest list is out of the question for the engagement. He joked earlier that he would put all his families names in to a hat and pick out the ones that could come based on the number we provided lol.

Maham the nikah will not be in 2-3 months time. I am willing to give up the engagement for him, he really is a top guy and I wouldn't want to cause problems between us over something so small.

Sehrysh I didn't mean what I said about remembering not letting me have an engagement party for the rest of his life, I was just kidding with him and he knows that. Although I would probably remind him about it every now and then lol.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

CM why doesn't it answer your question? I genuinely don't know exactly how big his family is so can't give exact numbers I'm afraid. I would be inviting about 50 people all in (including my family and closest friends), as I said earlier his would be around 3 x this number. I didn't ask him who he wanted there, I just assumed (wrong I know).

Has that answered your question?

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

No it hasn't. My question was how many had you added to your list to invite. He made the claim that you did not want his family there. No sane man makes that claim before his engagement. That is a sure fire way of upsetting you.

Considering you have mentioned a few times he has made that claim, there has to be some trigger.

So that I get it right.

  1. You made a list of people you wanted to invite.
  2. You had 50 people from your side.
  3. How many people did you have from his side?
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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

i haven't been through all the replies so sorry if im repeating something... but can't u ask him to contribute towards the cost? for example ul pay for up to 100 guests and he can pay for the rest? i don't think its unfair for him to be inviting his family especially since u have invited all of urs. it makes no difference that urs is smaller than his. i understand that some of his relatives he hardly ever sees but its hard to invite one branch of the family and not the other. its not worth the hassle.

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thats nice. wish u goodluck.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

Work with him and narrow down the list of guests. You can limit the engagement to only family. And among "family".....would it be only immediate or extended as well? It's not his fault that he has a huge family...and even if some of his extended family live several hours away...they may still be considered close and omitting them could create issues.

If inviting family friends to the engagement will be a problem...then consider not inviting your 10 friends. Otherwise, you can't stop him from doing the same either, wouldn't be fair. Maybe you can have a small engagement with family...............and a separate celebration with your 10 friends on another day. That celebration with friends could be at your home...outside, etc.

Or skip the engagement....save the money....and use it more towards making your nikkah/wedding ceremony (which is the bigger deal) an even better one.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

CM I told him that I didn't want him to invite his family that live a long drive away as he rarely see's them and his parents don't get to speak to them often and the reason being that this is just the engagement - he can invite them to the nikah. Also because my parents would be paying and because I wanted to keep the engagement as small as possible.

  1. I made list in my head.
  2. I had an estimated 50 people on my side (around 40 family members and 10 of my closest friends)
  3. I had planed the engagement for 100 people as I mentioned in my original post - thus giving him a remaining 50 places to fill.

Now does that answer your question?

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

I say forget the engagement party.... if u guys are gonna fight about it, its not that important.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

I am will try once more. When you made that list did you consult him? Did you ask who he wanted? Something is not adding up with his comments and yours. Nobody will falsely accuse his fiance of wanting to exclude his family from a wedding.

When you made a list of your family, did you make a list for his? Did you ask him? If you made a list how many people were on it?

Sigh I am going to bed.

If someone gets what I am trying to point out here, please explain it to Choco in Girl lingo or whatever.

Because I feel like Major Tom and something is wrong.

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Chocolatefiend, your fiance is not wrong at all for wanting to invite his extended family members. They live in the same country as him. It's not his fault he has more uncles or aunts than you do. And if he doesn't invite the relatives who live 5 hours away, they will likely hold a grudge. Just because he will invite them doesn't mean that ALL will show up.... really, 7/8 families that live 5 hours away... it's less likely all will attend.

Now, your fiance is also wrong for wanting to invite family friends (uncles, aunties and kids from the community). If you're not inviting family friends he shouldn't either. If you're inviting best friends (without their families), then he should do the same. Stick to the closest friends.

When you bring money into the picture, sometimes things can take a downturn and cause problems between the families.

Here are the solutions that I see:

1. Split the cost of the engagement party (at least 50-50)... but be prepared for possible future arguments over this.
2. Strictly invite only family members (all extended ones) and closest friends.
3. Not have an engagement party and have a small engagement event at home with only the immediate families, get decked out, have decorations, and take professional pics to add glitz to the small event. Have an engagement dinner celebration with close friends later.

Yeah, I agree. If money is brought up, there could be issues and arguments between the families about the cost of the venue, the amount of food, the cost of the food, etc.

If your mom's brother lived a few hours away and they spoke a few times a year, I bet she'd still invite him if she's inviting other siblings. It's for courtesy. Selectively inviting family members will pretty much always lead to drama and grudges.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

Don't assume that the level of politics in his family is the same as the level of politics in yours

Given how strongly he feels about this, your family isn't as politicised as his. Those super-distant relatives from 5 hours away will probably actually feel incredibly aggrieved if there is a function related to the wedding that they aren't invited to and will set about trying to cause issues for years in revenge.

Jackasses like those will be part of the baggage that comes with this super-great guy. I'm not trying to put you off..... every desi guy (me being one) comes with some amount of family politics baggage. You just need to accept it and learn to deal with it as well as possible.

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Agree. The geographical location isn't going to change the rishta itself. I can understand if it it's some FAR OFF/door ka rishtaydaar..............BUT.........if the relatives that live 5 hours away from him are siblings of either his mother or father....then it will cause offense to omit them.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

my parents family friends who they'd invite to weddings etc are people they have known for 30 years and are more than family. even i'd want them there. they came to my wedding in pakistan when my parent's siblings couldn't be bothered.

he's not trying to get you to do something you can't afford. he's just showing you that if he is to invite everyone he has to invite, it will become too big and expensive = waste of money.

if money wasn't an issue for either of you, you wouldn't be thinking along these lines. therefore, save it for something more important!

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Chocofiend, I think what CM is trying to get at is… the engagement involves BOTH of you. You shouldn’t have made the guest list for your fiance. He makes his own guest list, you make yours, then you can talk about it. Instead, you told your fiance that you don’t want him to invite his relatives who live 5 hours away :bummer:

Invitations/guest lists for engagements, shaadis, and valimas can often lead to problems. It’s difficult especially when you marry a guy or girl who has large extended families… that’s not their fault. And remember, just like how you’re saying your parents will be paying for the engagement party… your fiance’s side (I’m guessing) will be responsible for the valima… but he’ll be less likely to tell you to not invite your extended familes since you don’t have as many. The advantage is to you for all these celebrations.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

So because some of his family lives far away, they shouldn't be invited?? This makes no sense. Family is family, no matter the distance.

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

Even though people here have said that money should not be mentioned, if you think things between the two of you will be fine, ask him to pay for his guests.

People above have mentioned very good reasons for why he may not be in the wrong. However, you seem a little invested in not having more than 100 people show up. The reason could be as simple as really wanting a small engagement.

I would suggest the two of you really talk about what's going on there. You really want a small engagement and he can't imagine not inviting everyone. Both of you will have to understand and compromise. Actually, scratch the money thing. Just TALK! Not to find a solution, but to understand each other's perspective. You'll find a solution.

I wouldn't cancel the engagement though. It is these little things in life that we look back to and appreciate.

All the best!

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Re: Problem between fiance & me ~ Am I being unfair?

CM I told you** I made the list, and that I assumed**. That implies that NO he was not consulted on the 'list.' There was no definitive list for his half of the guest list, he was just given a number that he could invite. Seriously this thread is not about you so please take your drama to bed with you.

Sara516 I think you are right. Maybe it'd be best to just have a private gathering with his family and mine rather than inviting other family members as I really don't want to upset people (parents and siblings only). Even though my cousins who I have grown up with as siblings with will be disappointed.

Soundarya and Redvelvet the extended family are not his parents siblings, they are cousins/far relatives. They rarely speak as I said before except for when there is a death in the family/someone has been to hajj or umrah etc. You are right soundarya, I don't want to have future problems over this so will just tell my fiance that an engagement is not important to me.

Stoppit I totally agree with the comment on family friends we have a few such families who we are very close to but I have also omitted them from my engagement list because I on;t see why they should attend a small private function, I'd rather just have them at the nikah and the same applies to his families family friends. Money wasn't the issue at all, my parents could and would be able to foot the bill for it, but I wouldn't want them to as we have already said we want a small nikah so it would be silly to have a huge engagement.

Sounarya and CM, yes I agree that I shouldnt have made the 'list' without consulting him. I figured that I could just give him a number and that would be fine. How wrong I was lol.

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Highlighted bit is exactly the case. I wanted it small. Alas that will not be the case and I have probably gone the wrong way about trying to organise it.

No engagement. That is what I have decided. :)

Thank you all for your responses and comments. I appreciate you all taking the time out to help me sort this out.

I love him too much to let something so silly get between us.