People who didn’t have kids straight after marriage how did you deal with pressure from relatives about having kids?
In my own family its normal to spend a few years setting yourself up if necessary and also bonding a bit before starting a family. My husband and I agreed when we married that we both love kids and want them some day but we also want to enjoy a few child free years and have some financial stability. I’m in my mid 20s and looking to start a family in maybe 2-3 years in my late 20s. Simply put we are just not ready for it right now.
In my in laws most girls have a baby within 9 months if not a year so we are perceived as odd as we have been married a year now and there’s no baby. My husbands family is fairly well to do whereas his extended family are not. I mention this because most of his relatives don’t have an issue with raising four kids in one bedroom whereas my husband and I had very comfortable lives and want the same for our children.
It’s getting to a point now where every time I see some relative on his side I am being advised to have a
child now (by women of all ages - elder aunts and girls my own age). I have tried to explain my reasons but they still insist on imposing their way on me, citing examples on energy level, fertility decline. Yes these are real issues to think about but it’s not like I am in my late 30s or 40s and even then I know women who have been ok.
I dont know if there is anything else one can do except just nod and smile but would be nice to know I am not alone I guess if anyone else has been through this. The frequency of it is really annoying and upsetting. Every time I see my husbands relatives I know someone is going to bring this up.
Just dont explain yourself. If someone asks just says thank you aunty inshallah soon. And leave it at that. Ive been married 2.5 years and im pregnant but in the first year of my marriage all i got asked was why arent you having kids js there somethjng wrong (mainly my mother in law) lol and as we hit the two year mark the comments got worse but just ignore it!
Like you we wanted to make sure we are comfortable and happy and ready to have a child. Im 28 hubby is 30 soon so we feel we are at the right age and time frame to have this baby inshallah
The more you explain yourself the more people will question you, just ignore them
yeah I’ve tried to be very vague and say yes inshallah we plan to have kids and then they still start with stories about how they had less energy for their 5th kid at 40 then their first kid at 20 or how x friend of theirs couldn’t have a child or had a child with disabilities or whatever at an older age. It’s all obviously laden with judgement and you can’t not say anything at all and be silent. Sometimes I do think off just saying “yes thank you for sharing” but I feel like that would come across as being short and rude.
Unfortunately people especially south asians can be really insensitive when it comes to children. Its just rude behaviour. They shouldn’t be asking personal questions like that but unfortunately they all do. Best thing to do is just nod and say inshallah. No need to explain anything or elaborate further. I got it in my first year if marriage too. Unfortunately when I did get pregnant it ended in miscarriage and people were even more rude and insensitive then. All you can do is ignore them. My oldest sister has been married six years and has no children yet and people have been very rude and insensitive to her too. It’s no ones business how you live your life and islamically its just bad manners to be asking a couple these kind of questions at all. I know it can get you down but don’t feel pressured. Having a baby is a big responsibility. Enjoy married life first then when you are both comfortable and ready then inshallah go for it. Just ignore people. I’ve learnt that being married actually thickens your skin lol and its a good thing too.
I struggle with it and we haven’t started to try don’t know how people who are having difficulty conceiving must find it!
Just really annoys me because my own family don’t bug me about it and neither do my husbands immediate family but it’s pretty much guaranteed when I meet his aunts and cousins that someone will bring it up. When the older ladies say it I find it easier to shrug off, for some reason bothers me more when the younger girls start offering their advice like I am stupid or something.
When desis ask when you’re having kids, the best thing to do is smile and say “Jab Allah Ki marzi.” No need to explain yourself further. This is a private matter that should stay between you and your husband. The fact that people ask about this, it’s basically asking indirectly about your sex life. I find it very rude.
if they continue with their story, simply smile, nod and change the topic. You could smile and thank them for sharing. You could also say how their story shows that everything happens “jab Allah ki marzi.” But if you don’t want to say anything, just smile and nod.
P.S. I’m well into my 30’s and I get asked this all the frigging time. Nip the topic in the bud. When you explain anything, it makes people think you want their opinion.
People have their opinions ready for everything. If it isn’t about having children then it will be about something else. Don’t ponder too much over it.
In the end the decision to have kids or not lies with you and your husband. No matter how annoying these comments are, they remain mere opinions of outsiders. You won’t magically become pregnant because of it.
If you’ve made a choice, you need to make yourself strong enough to stand by it.
If I were you (and I was at one point in time)…I’d say “bass aap dua mein yaad rakhein”.
That’s it. Do not give your reasons, don’t defend yourself, don’t tell people the why or how or who or what. The more you try to defend yourself, the more you’ll be questioned so don’t open that door.
When someone tells you a sad store, just nod in agreement and say “yes, it sounds like it must have been hard for them”. Bass. Don’t argue back.
If someone gives you an example of infertility and how it took a couple years to have a baby say “yes but look Allah swt blessed them when they were ready”. That’s it.
Agree to disagree and realize that no one will ever know what you’re dealing with aside from you.
If someone questions you about why you have no children right now say something vague like “when Allah swt wills, it will happen” or lie and say “yes, we are trying”. Is there anything you can say that will satisfy someone like that?
^ All excellent suggestions above! Just want to reinforce that you aren’t alone in this. I’ve been married a year and a half now and our respective mothers are the worst at this (i.e. his mom interrogates him when I’m not around and mine does the same to me). My SIL has had a long history of trouble concieving, so the mums are both worried. It’s just really hard to explain to them why we have made the decision to wait (they have an answer for everything), so now we just let them think whatever they want to. As for semi-stragers and random relatives, they’ve got no business knowing our motives and feelings, so we just give vague answers to their pestering like “inshallah”, “when Allah wills” or “we’ll see inshallah” etc.
The trick is to not let it get to you. After all, if you and your husband are in agreement, who is anyone else to tell you otherwise?
I would echo all the recommendations posted above. Don’t give out any personal info to anyone. No need for an explanation. It’s not just the oldies that are judgmental. Your right OP it hurts more when it your own peer group critising . I also faced a similair backlash when I was honest answering queries put by others for wanting an only child. I wish I had kept my
Mouth shut but wanted to answer others truthfully. People can be very judgmental, don’t take it to heart and take on board some of the advice here. Stay strong.
People won’t leave u alone.. If u r having a kid every year, they would say inko Aur koi kaam Nai hay.. If u don’t , they kept on teasing u.. Just IGNORE them as everyone said by saying its ALLAH’s will…
Next time tell them nicely..with a smile and chuckle…" Oh (insert Aunti or cousin’s name) u always ask the same question every time we meet and I always have the same answer. Allah ki marzi…His marzi takes precedence over our wishes and efforts."
Maybe they don’t realize they “always” do this so hinting at it could make them reflect over their frequency, (fingers crossed) If the extended relative is an elder…they’re more likely set in their beliefs…and a simple “inshaAllah or Allah ki marzi” would better suffice. You have to be careful with wording…as you don’t want to risk offending distant relative who might complain to ur in-laws.
I have stopped wearing anrkali kina dresses in public gathering cuz I kept getting asked are u expecting and I’m like dude its just been 1year or so, seriously relax cuz my kid ain’t coming into this world to clean ur house or cook for u so why are u so bothered -.-
More disappointing was that it came from aunties I didn’t expect it to come from at all which made me think am I looking fat in this outfit
After 5yrs I’m thinking they will stop asking about kids cuz we aren’t planning on having any buhabahhaha but we are quite vocal about this decision so I’m hoping word travels around by itself! I have told my tayee so im sure itll get around
Thanks all. The issue I find with saying “allah ki marzi” is mostly people assume you are having difficulty conceiving and start asking questions like whether I have been to see the doctor or offering their sympathies which reaaaaally irritates me!
Yeah can do that but won’t stop them lecturing me on how I’m not getting any younger! I guess they won’t ever stop even if I had a child they will then start harassing me about having another. Desi people can be so annoying.
You need to learn how not to get irritated so easily. Even if you get pregnant, they will ask and bug you about pregnancy/birth etc. once you have one baby, they will bug you about another. Then then will bug you about their development, schooling, behavior, and eventually them getting married. This pattern will continue until you die.
If someone asks if you’ve seen a doctor, tell them not yet. Or you could also say yes you have and doctor told you everything is fine. Let them talk about your age and all. If you can’t change the topic or make a excuse to walk away then just smile and nod.
If the extended relative is an elder…they’re more likely set in their beliefs…and a simple “inshaAllah or Allah ki marzi” would better suffice. You have to be careful with wording…as you don’t want to risk offending distant relative who might complain to ur in-laws.
