Re: Pressure to have kids
So when I didn’t have one…everyone including my own mom kept telling me to hurry it up. Now that I have one…everyone including my own mom keeps telling me to just have a few back to back and “get it out of the way”.
It never ends.
You’ll just have to toughen up.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Since you don’t have kids…you do realize they’re assuming that anyway right? By your own admission its been a year since you got married with no babies and your family already finds that strange.
And…its not really your issue what people assume about you, is it? Is it something you can change or stop with your hands? Probably not.
Lastly, be honest. Say…yes I have been to doctor and he says all is well with me Alhumdulillah. If they offer sympathies…simply take them and respond with “ji ji bass aap dua karein…acha ye batayein ke biryani achi hai? Dekhne mein to bohot achi lagrahi hai”.
Re: Pressure to have kids
If I were you, I wouldn’t explain anything to anyone. Smile back or stay quiet.
Re: Pressure to have kids
I get that but you know what really sucks then? Come Mother’s day or someone’s baby shower or anything that is celebrating motherhood, people look at you like you are a bechari, poor woman who is not fertile enough to get pregnant right away. This is what bothers me. I never give an explanation for anything I do anyway but it’s the looks that get me soo annoyed. I am childless by choice by the way even after 5 years of our marriage. We are finally getting to a point where we feel ready. I have made it very clear to my immediate family and my inlaws that if this topic comes up, I am going ignore them. They got on my nerves a few times so I just had to tell 'em off.
I hyperventilate just thinking about being pregnant and to talk about it with someone makes me want to punch someone in the face.
Re: Pressure to have kids
i can so understand this, my sister too got miscarriage and then preferred to wait and had a child after six years of marriage and the nasty questions were thrown like when will she have a baby(as if she has the knowledge of matters of ALLAH), why is she not having a baby, what are the problems, is she seeing a doctor, what does doctor say etc etc).
Re: Pressure to have kids
OP, As others are suggesting just say “Whenever ALLAH wills”,
and if you can afford to give them a piece of your mind then tell them “Why, do you have some big plans for my future baby” or “it seems you are losing your sleep over the thoughts of me not having a baby yet, poor you, may i suggest you some therapy” or “Dont worry, when the baby will come, you will be the first one i will call to baby sit her, after all you look so anxious for the baby”.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Ha wish I could give them a piece of my mind.
Hearing this his stuff about people who miscarried and had to deal with this nonsense makes me even more sad at how insensitive our people can be.
Dont understand why it’s seen as some sort of race and a huge achievement to be pregnant within a few weeks of marriage. Some of these people tell me with such pride that they had the baby 9 months after marriage 
Re: Pressure to have kids
I kind of understand…a friend is going through the same. I hate how people will tsk tsk and step in usually to say things like “koi zuroorat nahin hai…enjoy married life…bachay to ho hi jatay hein”
Re: Pressure to have kids
Exactly. I am just like 
Re: Pressure to have kids
When people act nosy about my things, I simply turn around and start asking about their personal stuff. They get the message!
Re: Pressure to have kids
My husband and I were married for 5 years before having children and neither parents of ours had any grandchildren yet, so the pressure was definitely on! literally 6 months into the marriage my mother in law would start asking us when we will have children, my husband was still in school at that time and we wanted to wait till he was done before having children, also we wanted to enjoy our lives and get to know each other as well. A year later my side of the family jumped on the “when are you having children?” question as well and it continued until 5 years basically till i got pregnant!
Let me tell you, I would try really hard to not get annoyed because I understood the inlaws didn’t have any grandchildren yet and of course they would want it. I then started to reply, “dua kariye” when they would ask and then that actually didn’t turn out well, because it then looked like “dua kariye” meant we are “trying actively” and since I wasn’t getting pregnant and still giving that same response, they started thinking we were having fertility issues…leading to my MIL and mom requesting me to get fertility help when I’ve never said we were having issues!
Basically in the desi culture its “weird” when you’re married and not have children. Marriage=procreation, that is the whole reason of getting married to them, therefore the mentality of our elders is that you should have kids if you’re married, and they don’t get the whole “were getting to know each other first” and “we have our whole lives to have kids” thinking, because they weren’t raised like that.
It really gets to you especially us women when they start telling you that “if you don’t have kids then you will have trouble conceiving”, this puts ideas in your head and you start thinking if this can be the case and start worrying for no reason when in fact you can have perfectly healthy kids with no problems till late 30’s. They say this because basically back home you’re supposed to get married by 20-21 (ripe age), have all your kids by 25, and then you’re literally a buddi at age 30. Anything past age 25, “you will have trouble having kids,”
Just remember they will never stop telling you if its either having your first child, it will be “when are you having your second one?” and so on. Just enjoy your life, and just ignore or smile and nod when they ask you. After all your child is for YOU and your husband not them. Waiting 5 years was the best thing I did, and Im totally content with enjoying our child-free life with my hubby.
Re: Pressure to have kids
This is exactly why I don’t agree with ‘bus dua Karain’ response/method especially if you want to wait a few years. I stuck to “we don’t want kids right now” and if anyone decided to lecture me, they would hear it big time. I guess I the discomfort of this talk is so great that I just don’t mind being rude.
I have a kid and i’m being pressured to have another one. My MIL pretty much yelled at me saying if i had medical issues why didn’t i disclose this… and i already have a kid!!!
Desis are defo extremely insensitive to the topic of starting a family etc etc. It’s extremely annoying and like everyone’s said saying “jab Allah ki marzi” or “dua karain” only leads to more questioning until u pop a baby out.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Yeah exactly. That’s why I never went with the dua karen line because I have a cousin who used to do that and people would just assume she is barren and make even more annoying comments.
Thanks though. It’s good to know I’m not the only one. I guess I’m lucky that neither mine or my husbands immediate family bug me about this and also understand our reasons for waiting. It’s only the extended family that keep bothering me about it and honestly some of them probably don’t even have bad intentions but they just have a very fixed idea about when you are supposed to have kids like pakieyez said. Also I do think some of these people have nothing else better to talk about.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Aren’t you already defying the laws of desi-land by not having a baby right away?
I don’t know if it makes a difference as to what people will think.
Usually, the “dua karein” leaves people in sympathetic mode which is good enough for me…don’t care what they think.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Yeah I mean having children is all part of Allah’s plan anyways. You can get pregnant but that’s no guarantee you’ll have a baby at the end. Its just silly cultural mentality and downright besharam behaviour in my opinion. Asking a newly married couple about when they’re having kids and all the follow up questions is just wrong. They’re essentially asking about their sex life. That’s just besharam. And like everyone else has said it doesn’t stop there. Once you have a baby questions start about when the next one is due. As though we actually have that knowledge and if you have a girl then its all “Oh don’t worry inshallah the next one will be a boy.” Like you even care what gender it is!!! All anyone cares is that the baby comes out healthy and safe! Bloody ridiculous and downright jahiliyat.
Sorry for the rant. Im due my second baby in July inshallah and I’m sick and tired of hearing “BOY BOY BOY” comments.
Re: Pressure to have kids
Yeah boy obsession gets on my nerves too. So far all kids in the family are Mashallah lovely girls so some of these relatives that pester me tell me they are eager to see the first grand son. Makes me so angry.
Re: Pressure to have kids
You should respond by saying that biologically, the sperm from the father determines gender so they should really mention their gender preference to your husband. 
You can only deliver what he gives you.
Re: Pressure to have kids
I frickin hate the insensitivity of people who ask such personal questions. It is considered rude to ask a woman’s age, but it is somehow ok to talk about her sex life/family planning decisions openly
We had a baby after 6 years of marriage. At first I’d smile away this question. But later I just started saying that this is a very personal question. When we have news, we’ll share it right away. All this with a fake smile, coz I was seething on the inside.
Re: Pressure to have kids
but funny thing is that when some women are blessed with a boy or all boys, they take so much pride in it and make it sound as if its all because of them. They conveniently forget about this male sperm thing in those cases.