It’s my firm believe that in pakistanis (esp living in North America) there is only 3 degrees of sepration. We are all interconnected somehow. (it’s scray)
So the issue is:
My friend’s bhabhi’s younger sister is going through the rishta process. Got a rishta from a family and the everything is going great. Families met and liked each other. The family is quite religious and the girl wears hijab.
My cousin knows the guy from college and was shocked to hear that guy is even getting married. She has pictures of him drunk, partying at bars etc.
So it’s matter of should she keep quite or devulge this information. It’s matter of click, save and send but should she even interfere?
^ If you were going through the rishta process....would YOU want to know about the guy's lifestyle? If it were your sister....you'd want her to know, right?
It's possible that the guy has moved on from his partying lifestyle. It's possible that the guy no longer drinks.** BUT** it's also **possible that he has not stopped doing these things. The girl in question is a conservative Muslim and she has the right to know what she's getting herself into. If their lifestyles are **NOT COMPATIBLE, she needs to know this now before she signs up for a life full of hardships.
So, yes, the girl should know about this. And she might handle the situation in a calm and respectable manner without letting the guy know WHO told her about his partying ways. She could reject the rishta calmly. Or if the guy has changed....she could proceed with things. But she needs to know so that she can make an informed decision.
From personal experience, this happened to someone I know. They actually accepted the rishta from the boy, but after engagement party, someone told them the boy took drugs in the past, unknown about present. The family felt they couldn't back out of the union now that they were engaged and so they were married.
Now they thoroughly REGRET not breaking it off before they were married, bcos his old habit re-surfaced.
Really, if it was me, I would WANT someone to tell me about it.
Two points. First, how old are the pics and how recently was the friend acquainted with dulha? I know of people who have had a very colorful past but eventually mature and change for the better so it is possible that even though dulha sahibs past may not be pure, his current behavior may be different. For example, I know someone who used to drink, date, nightclub etc..Now he is 5 times namazi and is studying Islam as a degree. His children and wife are all hijabis and he is a great Muslim role model for his family.
Having said that, Second point. I would let someone in the girls family know and personally I think the dulhan should be the one. I would definitely want to know about my future hubbys past, especially something like this. As the bride, it should be up to her then to decide if she can live with the full disclosure or not. Also, by telling the dulhan (or a sister), you can maximise damage control by keeping that matter discreet until and unless the bride wants to make it an issue.
The girl can then discuss this with the guy and get more information to see if this was just some childish act growing up or something he may continue or resume. A lot of girls who really like a girl may even overlook such a past as long as they feel confident that the guy is no longer like that.
From personal experience, this happened to someone I know. They actually accepted the rishta from the boy, but after engagement party, someone told them the boy took drugs in the past, unknown about present. The family felt they couldn't back out of the union now that they were engaged and so they were married.
Now they thoroughly REGRET not breaking it off before they were married, bcos his old habit re-surfaced.
Really, if it was me, I would WANT someone to tell me about it.
I know someone in the same situation. Rumors were swirling that her fiance had a drug problem. And this took place close to the wedding. The family didn't feel comfortable backing out from the rishta.....and so the wedding took place. The woman had a difficult life. Several kids later, her husband couldn't even hold a job.....to busy getting high. Unfortunately she became financially dependent on her siblings. And it's an uncomfortable feeling to depend on others for monetary support.
But.......please.....someone (either YOU or your cousin) needs to inform this girl and her family. I'm sure that the girl's family will confront the issue WITHOUT revealing the identities of the individuals who helped them out. And you can always request that your identity not be revealed. In fact, the girl's family can make it look as if they came upon the knowledge through general investigation, which is usually done during the rishta process anyways.
**
THERE IS A POSSIBILITY**.......that the guy has changed and is now a better Muslim. But she won't even know that until she's informed about the drinking, etc.
The Guy might have changed.
And Its the girls side responsibilities to do appropriate investigations b4 taking this step. If they cant be bothered then let them face thier future.
And u shdunt be interfering with whats not your business, what if somebody later found out you have been doing this.
The Guy might have changed.
And Its the girls side responsibilities to do appropriate investigations b4 taking this step. If they cant be bothered then let them face thier future.
And u shdunt be interfering with whats not your business, what if somebody later found out you have been doing this.
And Who doesnt drink?
*"And WHO doesn't drink?" * That's an overconfident generalization. I don't drink. I can come up with several examples of people (male and female) who don't drink.
Nobody said that guy can't change or hasn't changed. Read the posts from above over and over again. People have said that IT IS POSSIBLE **that the guy could have changed and is now a better Muslim. **BUT, the girl and her family still NEED TO KNOW all the information about this guy. And if someone has the information........then it is highly recommended that they at least **provide the girl and her family a HINT** about this guy's past.
Investigations usually take place during a rishta process. And an INVESTIGATION will always be an invasion into someone's privacy. I believe you have a sister. I think YOU **and **YOUR FAMILY would appreciate it if someone told you that the potential rishta drinks and has a more liberal lifestyle compared to your sister.
And if people really want to be PRIVATE about their lifestyles, then they should be careful about not taking photographs when they're drunk. Some people are dumb enough to post such pictures on facebook and other public web sites and then they get so upset when their** "privacy"** is invaded. If you're so picky about privacy....then don't make private things public OR....be careful about what you do in public environments because one never knows who will see them in their drunken partying state.
I mean evribody has some past like.
How wud u like girls like it if just becos u had a previous bf...which u have gotten over.
and u r abut to get engaged and some freak out of nowhere posted olds pics and chat conversatins to ur fiance's house.
Nobody wud ever get married.
I mean evribody has some past like.
How wud u like girls like it if just becos u had a previous bf...which u have gotten over.
and u r abut to get engaged and some freak out of nowhere posted olds pics and chat conversatins to ur fiance's house.
Nobody wud ever get married.
Nobody said that he has picture on facebook. DUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gave an example that some people are careless enough to post certain pictures on public sites that later get them in trouble.
And I** NEVER** said that nobody has a past. Yes, everyone has a past. But having a past crush/boyfriend/girlfriend and drinking are two separate issues. And the girl's family needs to know about his lifestyle. One might be able to move on from a previous girlfriend.....but if one has an ADDICTION to alcohol....that is really scary. There are many serious problems associated with drinking that can affect a marriage (destruction of health, anger management problems, drunk-driving accidents, inability to hold a job, potential for STDs, cheating on wife while in a drunken state) .
Nobody has a perfect past.....but some past problems are more serious than others.
^ The original poster says the person who knew him in the past has pictures of him drunk. My intention about anonymity was to show that who ever wants to notify the girl / her family could do so without their identity being known, therefore leaving the girl to evaluate the situation and make further enquiries / make a decision knowing this.
BTW, NOT everyone drinks, I don't, and I know many pakistani males who do not drink either.
The following comment is not being made just for this girls situation, its for anyone: Once a person has repeated experience of being drunk, or taking drugs, it is VERY EASY to return to these habits at a time in their life when things are not going well for them.
The pictures are not on facebook. The guy has mentioned his previous drinking to the girl but claims that that part of the lifestyle is done but these pictures are not even a month old so obviously he is lying.
My cousin does not want to get involved but at the same time does want this on her concious.
share the info, especially if it is recent. share it with the girl, tell her its strictly between u and her and it is up to her what she wants to do with the info.
The pictures are not on facebook. The guy has mentioned his previous drinking to the girl but claims that that part of the lifestyle is done but these pictures are not even a month old so obviously he is lying.
My cousin does not want to get involved but at the same time does want this on her concious.
I never said that this guy in particular has posted pictures on facebook. I was giving an example that some people are careless enough to do that. It was just a general comment.
It also depends on when this guy decided to get **"done" **with his lifestyle. Was a decision that took place only a few weeks ago...perhaps after the pictures were taken?
Either way.....the girl needs to know that the pictures are only a month old. Because she has A LOT to consider. Many people find it hard to give up bad habits especially those related to smoking, drugs, or alcohol. Certain habits are addictive....and it takes time to control them. Not everyone can shrug off a habit.
Please encourage your cousin to share this information anonymously **somehow with the girl's family. This girl's life could be in jeopardy....if she doesn't find out this **current information. Revealing something about a guy....is a SMALL price to pay.....compared to someone potentially ruining their life.
And as suggested above....the info can be revealed and shared in a matter that protects the identity of your cousin.
So far, everyone, for the most part, has said that the girl needs to be informed. It's just the right thing to do. And the matter shouldn't be delayed....because if the families agree to an engagement/marriage within the next few days....it becomes emotionally harder to back out such a situation. There are some desi parents who won't call of an engagement or wedding....just to protect reputation.....in spite of what awful rumors are swirling around about the guy. Time is of the essence, don't delay in encouraging your cousin to do what is right.
Redvelvet - I also agree that the information should be disclosed.
This has heartache written all over for both families and the girl. I don't believe the guy's family will take this lightly either.
Bascially they have "baat paaki" and engagement dates are being decided as we speak.
Obviously the guy's parents would ask "why are you backing out of this now?" , Where did you get these pictures?"
*That drama my cousin and I don't want to be a part of. *
I guess an annoymous email could do the trick.
I'm sorry NJ. I know it's tough. But often times the RIGHT thing to do is not the easiest thing to do.
You're not doing any favors to the guy's family by not coming out with this info. It's going to hurt his parents as well....when the truth comes out later. And can you imagine how embarrassed the guy's parents are going to feel in front of the girl's family......if his drinking habits manifest itself AFTER marriage? It would be much more painful and humiliating to deal with this issue for BOTH PARTIES....after the marriage takes place.
If i had links to the girl.....I'd tell her myself for you. But I don't know her. You're doing the right thing. Go with the anonymous email. You wouldn't have created this thread if it didn't bother your conscience. You don't want to feel guilty in the future when this girl is leading a miserable marriage. You're on the right track, honey. So, send the email.