After reading a thread, where majority insisted that bro’s marriage should not be delayed because of sister, I would like to ask the following to unmarried/ married girls out there.
Will you consider a proposal for yourself where there are 3, 4 or 5 marriagable sisters; the guys family is not well-to-do; the father is close to retirement; the guy is the only brother or one of the 2 brothers with obvious responsibilities toward his family and sisters? The thing is it is obvious that the guy will have the responsibility to marry off his sisters and have the financial responsibility of the whole household.
How long should the guy wait for any of his sisters to get married before he marries himself? Would girls and their families be a little hesistant in accepting a proposal of such a guy with such huge responsibilities towards his family? The guy may want his wife to work to share his responsibilities or may ask her to be a house wife and care for all the in-laws.
I know it is the guy’s moral responsibility to help his parents with their responsibilities of marrying off his sisters. But how far can todays girls support him in his responsibilities? Or is it that the girls just marry the guy and then pressurise him NOT to support his family (which will be very bad indeed).
I would hope to marry into not such a big family (+6) but not due to the reasons you mentioned. However, i think at the end of the day you cant really pick and choose like that. It's the complete package that makes you say yes or no. I am sure if everything is fine and just the fact remains that he has a big family, it woud be odd to let go of the rishta based on it.
I would have no problem having my share of responsibility in the family however financially? i dont think so. It's the guy's area and if he is sahi salamat then he better make it work, thank-you. And yes if it means that we can't live as lavishly because of his responsibilities towards his family/sisters or even brothers then its fine, its his duty to provide for them first and then think about having a lavish life for us.
I would hope to marry into not such a big family (+6) but not due to the reasons you mentioned. However, i think at the end of the day you cant really pick and choose like that. It's the complete package that makes you say yes or no. I am sure if everything is fine and just the fact remains that he has a big family, it woud be odd to let go of the rishta based on it.
I would have no problem having my share of responsibility in the family however financially? i dont think so. It's the guy's area and if he is sahi salamat then he better make it work, thank-you. And yes if it means that we can't live as lavishly because of his responsibilities towards his family/sisters or even brothers then its fine, its his duty to provide for them first and then think about having a lavish life for us.
I have come across such guys who wanted me to do job after marriage because he has financial burden of his family. Somehow things did not proceed there. But there are guys who frankly demand that the wife does a job to help him run their house while he meets his responsibilities towards his parents and sisters. He would say, you knew my situation at the time of marriage. So now you shud support me.
Its not about JUST the big family. Its about having a big family and having to support them (marrying off sisters is a huge responsibility) while asking the wife to work also.
I have come across such guys who wanted me to do job because he has financial burden of his family. Somehow things did not proceed there. But there are guys who frankly demand that the wife does a job to help him run our house while he meet his responsibilities towards his parents and sisters. He would say, you knew my situation at the time of marriage. So now you shud support me.
Its not about JUST the big family. Its about having a big family and having to support them (marrying off sisters is a huge responsibility) while asking the wife to work also.
If they ask you beforehand than its fine, nothing wrong with it. Like i said before, if there are issues providing for the family alone then you as a wife should help out if possible.
I would say no, because I wouldn't want to be part of a family that doesn't encourage their daughters to stand on their own two feet and place teh burden on the parents/brothers to marry them off.
Brother/parents have every right to help out and give gifts and whatnot to their daughters/sisters, but it should be on a want-to basis, not a have-to.
I would say no, because I wouldn't want to be part of a family that doesn't encourage their daughters to stand on their own two feet and place teh burden on the parents/brothers to marry them off.
Brother/parents have every right to help out and give gifts and whatnot to their daughters/sisters, but it should be on a want-to basis, not a have-to.
Yeah thats exactly my point. What if a girl has been working before marriage and then after marriage she is required to work again so that his husband can financially support his family. I know one rishta wali aunty says to such guys who demand working girls so that they can share their burden: "sharam karo, larki bechari shadi se pehle bhi kamai aur shadi k baad bhi".
If the wife herself is willing to work, its her choice. But then again, her income will be her right. Its not that the husband spends all of his earnings to meet his financial responsibility and then becomes dependent on the wife's earning to run their household.
Even if the guys sisters are earning, it is norm of our society to not take their money and it is the brother/ fathers who marry their sisters/ daughters. So its a tough bargain I guess.
Also, everyone says that a new bahu is still a stranger to the family. So this new family will have no problem accepting money from a “stranger”? Or , she’s only a stranger when she’s not being a cash cow
Personally I would never be comfortable taking money for my own needs from my bhabi or expect her to foot the bill for my wedding/education/living expenses. From my brother is a different story, but not my SIL.
I know one rishta wali aunty says to such guys who demand working girls so that they can share their burden: "sharam karo, larki bechari shadi se pehle bhi kamai aur shadi k baad bhi".
I am sorry but if she can work before marriage, wat's the harm for her to do the same after?. Yes, she is not liable to do it but i find this line by the rishtey wali aunty quite odd.
I would say no, because I wouldn't want to be part of a family that doesn't encourage their daughters to stand on their own two feet and place teh burden on the parents/brothers to marry them off.
Brother/parents have every right to help out and give gifts and whatnot to their daughters/sisters, but it should be on a want-to basis, not a have-to.
I think I land on the other side of this debate. For girls raised outside of Pakistan, unless our parents/family are super-conservative, most of us can work and save money for the wedding we want. We can potentially also take control of our future and look meet our own for guy for marriage (this assumes parents are not super-traditional).
But the situation in Pakistan is totally different. While some girls work, I'm not sure that the majority of girls work and therefore they cannot save for their wedding. And unfortunately, even a modest wedding isn't cheap in Pakistan and there are always social expectations connected to a wedding. Added to that, arranged marriages zindabad in Pakistan - so the girls have a more difficult time meeting a potential husband on their own - they are reliant on the family to secure their future.
So the social norms place the burden on the brother/family for the daughters.
I guess going back to the original question - I can only speak for myself, but I agree so long as my husband can provide for our family, I would not resent, and would in fact encourage him to help support his sisters for their marriage. That being said, the sister's ain't getting the 6 lakh Bunto jora!
I am sorry but if she can work before marriage, wat's the harm for her to do the same after?. Yes, she is not liable to do it but i find this line by the rishtey wali aunty quite odd.
Loll Its rishtwa wali aunty's style of scolding the guys who have very high demands of the girl.
If I give you my example, I had been working since 17 year of age. My family situation wanted me to work. My father passed away and I had to support my family being the eldest child. Frankly, I have become kinda tired and exhausted. So I would find it difficult to be forced to work after marriage so that my husband could support his family and I bear all the expenses of my family. I might be in a mood to work in the future. But thats another story.
The thing is being forced to work after the marriage and expecting the wife to bear all the expenses of the family as a large portion of husbands income goes to his own family.
Everyone has differnt opinion and thoughts and it really depends on their own situation.
I think I land on the other side of this debate. For girls raised outside of Pakistan, unless our parents/family are super-conservative, most of us can work and save money for the wedding we want. We can potentially also take control of our future and look meet our own for guy for marriage (this assumes parents are not super-traditional).
But the situation in Pakistan is totally different. While some girls work, I'm not sure that the majority of girls work and therefore they cannot save for their wedding. And unfortunately, even a modest wedding isn't cheap in Pakistan and there are always social expectations connected to a wedding. Added to that, arranged marriages zindabad in Pakistan - so the girls have a more difficult time meeting a potential husband on their own - they are reliant on the family to secure their future.
So the social norms place the burden on the brother/family for the daughters.
I guess going back to the original question - I can only speak for myself, but I agree so long as my husband can provide for our family, I would not resent, and would in fact encourage him to help support his sisters for their marriage. That being said, the sister's ain't getting the 6 lakh Bunto jora!
Agreed.
Here in pakistan, and even in families abroad, parents and brothers go about with the religious guidance that say k 'beti ki shadi kerna baap ki zimmedari hai'. And this is what happens, that son supports his father in that cause or in majority of the cases, assumes the role completely.
I think I land on the other side of this debate. For girls raised outside of Pakistan, unless our parents/family are super-conservative, most of us can work and save money for the wedding we want. We can potentially also take control of our future and look meet our own for guy for marriage (this assumes parents are not super-traditional).
But the situation in Pakistan is totally different. While some girls work, I'm not sure that the majority of girls work and therefore they cannot save for their wedding. And unfortunately, even a modest wedding isn't cheap in Pakistan and there are always social expectations connected to a wedding. Added to that, arranged marriages zindabad in Pakistan - so the girls have a more difficult time meeting a potential husband on their own - they are reliant on the family to secure their future.
So the social norms place the burden on the brother/family for the daughters.
I guess going back to the original question - I can only speak for myself, but I agree so long as my husband can provide for our family, I would not resent, and would in fact encourage him to help support his sisters for their marriage. That being said, the sister's ain't getting the 6 lakh Bunto jora!
If the guy has expectations that he want you to work after marriage so that he can meet his family responsibilities and prepare good jehaiz for his 3-5 sisters, it will definitely be difficult. I think parents consider such kinda factors when considering any proposal for their daughters.
In the above scenario, I would never accept such a proposal. As Sara already mentioned, a family where daughters are not educated, do not have their own careers to support themselves, and are not encouraged to stand on their own two feet is not a family I want to be a part of. Also, the aging parents…they never had anything savings or retirement account?? Everyone just sits at home while the one son (and the son’s wife) has to work to support them. :khums:
I love my brothers but i wouldnt be comfortable getting such expensive stuff from them whether they be married or not. Yes, from my parents i can ask for even 1 crore ka jora if i want. But the thing is that’s me, some girls i know are very comfortable taking things from their siblings and i think that’s ok. As long as the guy has the means to provide such luxeries for his siblings then why not. I am sure whether the wife likes it or not, he wl go ahead and do it :khums:.
Here in pakistan, and even in families abroad, parents and brothers go about with the religious guidance that say k 'beti ki shadi kerna baap ki zimmedari hai'. And this is what happens, that son supports his father in that cause or in majority of the cases, assumes the role completely.
Yes and expects the wife to work and earn for their own household so that the husband's salary is spared for the sisters marriages and their expenses.
Should we consider such proposals coz at the time of proposal, it is obvious that the guy will have such responsibility?
I think I land on the other side of this debate. For girls raised outside of Pakistan, unless our parents/family are super-conservative, most of us can work and save money for the wedding we want. We can potentially also take control of our future and look meet our own for guy for marriage (this assumes parents are not super-traditional).
But the situation in Pakistan is totally different. While some girls work, I'm not sure that the majority of girls work and therefore they cannot save for their wedding. And unfortunately, even a modest wedding isn't cheap in Pakistan and there are always social expectations connected to a wedding. Added to that, arranged marriages zindabad in Pakistan - so the girls have a more difficult time meeting a potential husband on their own - they are reliant on the family to secure their future.
So the social norms place the burden on the brother/family for the daughters.
I guess going back to the original question - I can only speak for myself, but I agree so long as my husband can provide for our family, I would not resent, and would in fact encourage him to help support his sisters for their marriage. That being said, the sister's ain't getting the 6 lakh Bunto jora!
I totally agree with you. I guess I"m looking at it from a very basic perspective
If women were encouraged to be educated and stand on their own two feet, life wouldn't be so difficult...in so many ways.
Unfortunatley they're not, our people are stuck in teh mindset that: a girl meeting female friends = slut.
Yes and expects the wife to work and earn for their own household so that the husband's salary is spared for the sisters marriages and their expenses.
Should we consider such proposals coz at the time of proposal, it is obvious that the guy will have such responsibility?
well obviously its a personal choice. You will be starting a family and you will think about having kids sooner or later and if you think his responsibilities are going to hamper your financial base then it is something important. without doubt.
They might have some savings. But still it is expected of the bros to support the family. It is expected that the bros prepare gud jehaiz for their sisters so that they can get gud proposals. Parents usually delay the marriages of their sons becuase of this reaon. But sometimes they marry their sons so that the wife can share the financial burden.
Even if the sisters are earning, they are not expected to spend a penny on their wedding in our society. And if the bro’s wife asks to have a contribution from the sister’s savings, she will be considered as an EVIL bahu.
Loll Its rishtwa wali aunty's style of scolding the guys who have very high demands of the girl.
If I give you my example, I had been working since 17 year of age. My family situation wanted me to work. My father passed away and I had to support my family being the eldest child. Frankly, I have become kinda tired and exhausted. So I would find it difficult to be forced to work after marriage so that my husband could support his family and I bear all the expenses of my family. I might be in a mood to work in the future. But thats another story.
The thing is being forced to work after the marriage and expecting the wife to bear all the expenses of the family as a large portion of husbands income goes to his own family.
Everyone has differnt opinion and thoughts and it really depends on their own situation.
Han so see you hve every right to reject such rishtas but dont condemn them for being honest about it from the very begining.
Agreed.
Here in pakistan, and even in families abroad, parents and brothers go about with the religious guidance that say k 'beti ki shadi kerna baap ki zimmedari hai'. And this is what happens, that son supports his father in that cause or in majority of the cases, assumes the role completely.
