Pre-Marital Relationships

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi,

I am abit confused and I wondered if you guys could help me.

I am 28 and have been looking for a Ristha for quite a while now.
I have never been in a relationship, I like to practise my religion but I am still quite modern too.

Over the past 2 years, I have got to know 4 Risthey. The guys have been good people, never been in relationships, pray, modern, good jobs etc etc. However I have never had a connection with them. They were so boring to talk to, and after a few weeks we naturally stopped talking.

However, I am currently talking to someone. He’s got a good job, good looking. He knows a lot about religion but he doesn’t practise but has his morals. He’s also has had pre-marital relationships, which he doesn’t seem to regret as he said it’s made him and will make him a better husband as he’s learnt from his previous mistakes. He’s quite open minded too.

I get on with him really well. We have the same ambitions and outlooks on life. We talk for hours.

I don’t know what to do. Do I oversee his past relationships?

Has anyone married anyone with pre-marital relationships?

I’m 28 so time is ticking :frowning:

2

Everyone brings some baggage into new relationships. At least he was open and honest enough to tell you.

Only you know what's right for you. But settling for a potential rishta because you're afraid "time is ticking" isn't the best decision either.

3

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Definitely what MM said. You can't make much important decisions of your life based on things like "time is ticking". As a girl, i do understand that we have to play it smart and there is a certain age you hope to get married before but definitely not by compromising on more important things like who you want to marry and who you are comfortable marrying. It is quite hard to decide what one should do in situation like yours because it really depends on your priorities. I do respect that the guy is being honest with you and that nowadays you don't know whoever you may end up with mite be coming without any baggage but at the same time if you know deep down that its something you can't accept then just say no.

4

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Often times...our past teaches us many lessons we come to value. Lessons about ourselves, treating others, what we want out of life, etc.

Unless he's a blatant womanizer and acts like his past relationships are a point of pride and accomplishment for him...I'd not think too much about it. All he means is that he's become wiser and that his past has helped him better himself. Instead of beating himself up over having a relationship...he's made a choice to turn it into a learning experience.

That is pretty cool.

5

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Do what you will be comfortable with in the long run. Does it bother you a lot right now that he had a past relationship? If not then just focus on other things.

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Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Ok, lets say it like this, he told you about his past relationships... is it necessary that you leave him for "someone more better" & that "someone more better" would tell you HIS pre-marital relationships??? if had any??!!

You can never know a guy's pre-marital relationship unless he tells you (or someone else tells you which still leaves a doubt), so I say, if the guy is really good and you find him compatible and made for you, then don't judge him for his past only!! See his brighter sides, know him more else than what you know now, have istikhara and go ahead. Good Luck.

7

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

I agree totally with Reha on this. It's hard enough that men and women have to wait and wait to get married, and these guys have temptations along the way.

At least he is personable. The other guys haven't had pre-marital relationships not because they avoided it necessarily, but because they couldn't get any. That's because they're not sociable to begin with. This guy has a better personality, so not surprising that things happened in the past.

I'd give him a chance.

8

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Has he sincerely repented to Allah SWT for his past sins? If so, great. If not, then why not? the only way a gunnah-e-kabeera is forgiven is by a sincere touba. If its the latter case and there's no good excuse for it then I'd personally would end things.

9

Pre-Marital Relationships

I think you should give it a chance for exactly the reasons that PCG and Reha gave you. I know some guys who had past relationships and are now great husbands but I also have a friend who married a guy who was great in every way but had never had any girlfriends and they actually don't have that strong of a marriage, they have a lot of problems and my friend always says she wishes he had previous experience with girls before because he's clueless. My point being, no ones perfect. Its how he is with you now, not how he was in the past with someone else. If he makes you feel good don't think about it to much. I personally wouldn't write off past relationships, like someone said everyone comes with baggage, unless of course a crazy ex is still in the picture. If he has explained that he is over them, has moved on and wants to move forward with his life, give him chance and let him show you how he can do that with you. I think only you'll be able to gauge his intentions and how you want to respond.

10

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

He did not need to tell you this, but he did. I think that speaks volume itself. I would not reject him solely because of his past relationships.

11

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Thank you for all the replies.

I think I can look past his relationships as I have spoken to people who haven't been in any, and they just don't know how to act or behave. Whereas this guy knows what he wants.

However, I think I am more afraid of....will he wait until marriage until anything physical happens? I really don't want to be taken down the wrong route.

Plus, I want a islamic household.

I really don't know what to do because the first time in my life, I actually feel comfortable around someone and I can be myself. Probably because I know i am his ideal girl, whereas he isn't mine.

The clocking is ticking...I meant in the terms of having children. Its something I always wanted and the later I wait, they harder it'll be. Who says I will meet someone else? Its taken me this long to meet someone I actually click with.

Oh I don't know.

12

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

You should ask him these questions. Be blunt and up front about it.

"Do you expect to have a physical relationship before marriage? I'm not okay with that" etc etc.

Like others have said, he told you the truth, that speaks volumes (to me at least). If he also wants an Islamic household, and has the same values, then it's up to you to decide if his past is a problem. I think the key issue is whether or not his values are **now **the same as yours.

But again, ask him these things.

13

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

"chor chorii se jaaye, heraa pherii se na jaaye" [a thief may stop stealing but will never stop peeking into houses].

that's a famous Urdu phrase. if he crossed the limit once, he may do it again [even after marriage [after all, it makes him a better husband)]...ask your heart if you should trust this guy!

14

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

The boring guys who say they are still virgins are most likely lying.

Hope that helps and I know I come across as sarcastic at times but it's true. So you can pick between a nice honest guy or boring liars.

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Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

I know plenty of guys who have had pre-marital relationships and now are married, settled and amazing Muslim husbands. I do not agree that a pre-marital relation makes a guy a better husband or a suspect for cheating later on (as assumed by some posters).

In any relationship, whether the guy already had relationsships prior to you or not you will have to set a boundary for him before marriage. You are the one deciding how far you want to take this relationship. No one else can decide this for you. He might bail once you tell him how you feel about it and in that case; you are better off without a man like that.

16

Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Even if he get into those relationships after marriage, he would still be a nice guy, great, open-minded, honest, capable and better husband, RIGHT? Because each encounter will give him valuable experience and improve his qualities.

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Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

Being in a relationship when single and doing it after marriage are two completely different things imo

The first doesn't usually involve lies and deceit..

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Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

The thing is...truth is not always pleasant. I've learned this myself as well.

The things you want to hear are the easiest for this guy to say. Like "I've never met another woman like you" or "you're the only one I've ever laid eyes on" or "I've never done anything with another woman before". These are the easy things to say...the things that will maintain a pristine image in your eyes of him. The lies that will make you fall for him because everything else seems to work well so far, right?

Truth - real truth - is much harder to swallow.

The fact that he's being honest means he's taking you seriously. The fact that he's not regretting it means he's mature and understands a few things about life.

These mistakes at times help people do better in the future...believe it or not.

Sorry KKF - lekin this is wrong to say.

He didn't cheat on someone. He had a relationship. Those are two VERY different things.

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Re: Pre-Marital Relationships

how can anyone every know whether someone has "sincerely repented to Allah SWT for his past sins"?
you simply cannot know.

20

A guy who did not have any girlfried n is virgin is a big Lie ... seriously his past shouldnt bother you...having a gf or physical relations before marriage doesnt mean he is not a gud guy or he will continue doing that after marriage... jus talk to him. Ask him what he thinks abt life after marriage n let him compare single life n marriagelife etc... if u r ok after talking to him then give him a chance