I thought about this when reading this entire thread and then came across your post.
It sounds to me like there are a few things here:
A) She’s definitely going through PPD…my sisters have gone through it and while one barely had it, the other had it to a severe extent. I felt so terrible for her and yes…she did get quite rude with me as well…her own sister. I noticed that she was no longer herself, had forgotten herself completely and was exhausteddddd…when you’re so tired…you don’t know nor care if you’re being rude to anyone around you. It does get pretty bad. Post birth, I still remember she came to a dawat my mom was hosting at her place…brought both kids and didn’t bother changing her clothes. She was wearing PJ’s, completely bushed, tired, etc. It was getting to her at that point I could see. Its hard to think of others’ feelings when you barely have the sense to think of yourself anymore.
B) Were you guys supposed to gift things and didnt? It sounds like an possibility might be that she expected more care or concern but didn’t receive it.
The only thing I remember working was helping out. We started helping out a lot and that made things easier for her and helped her recover faster. Cooking, watching the babies, keeping them so she could catch up on sleep, helping bathe the kids, cleaning up, etc. I have kept them with me as infants (when they started on formula) so my sisters could go home and sleep through the night. Maybe you guys could send over food, a few gifts, something for bhabi herself and try to help out a little.
I can see you’re dying to see your niece but the only way to do that is to diffuse the situation.
Same here. My recovery was long and painful, esp initially and add to that nursing was a traumatic experience- I was bleeding, I couldn’t sit for long periods of time, my emotions were out of control- I didn’t want anything to do with anyone, nor did I want any visitors. The room I was in with the baby was off limits to everyone but my mom and husband. But like lusi’s husband, mine kept his family updated on the baby’s progress and he did control the extent of their visits, along with everyone else’s. They were short and sweet and some days I made it down and some days he’d take the baby down. No one was put out or had expectations of even a salaam. New mothers don’t have to create drama - giving birth brings it’s own issues and most women who’ve given birth get that so they don’t expect any different. As for bathing the baby, again, other than my mom, hubby and myself, I didn’t trust anyone else with him including MIL. He was only 7 days old and coupled with all the other recovery issues- but ESP the emotional ones I was battling including the baby blues- i didn’t want anyone else to even hold him some days. I certainly didn’t want an audience for it.
I just feel like these are such petty things to latch on to as examples of “neglect” or a conspiracy to keep the kid from it’s dadiyaal.
Like Moodie said, it takes two to tango. There’s obviously other issues at play here also that we are unaware of so let’s lay off the new mum.
How r we all doing? Just to clarify, her in laws don’t expect her to do anything for them when they go over.. in fact her in laws takes food and other items for them.. because we want her to rest and be with baby.. its just when we r supposedly not allowed to interact with the baby because she keeps her self and the baby in the room.. (note: visiting frequency once in 2 weeks or so)
But any ways! like they say apni izzat apne haath mein
So we’ve stopped going over, since it seems to bother her a lot.. and I rely on photos to see my niece.. MA she’s 4 months now!! used to buy so many lil things for niece whenever I’d go shopping, but she SIL didn’t seem to like that either! So I’ve stopped that also.. On the odd occasion where I do see them at another social gathering, I patiently wait to hold my niece once everyone else is done..
It’s good to see SIL is back on the wheels and going everywhere she wants to with the baby.. Different rules are applied for her family or her husbands.. but these are petty little things I guess, she can do what she please, I’ll still love my niece!
Honestly, it is his job to keep that fine balance. We cannot completely blame the SIL as the brother is encouraging this behavior.
I know a family where things got so awful that MIL will be dropped to the occasions by her husband and the son would not even offer to give his mother a ride. Yes, the wife feed him all sort of crap but it was his job to balance the relationships and encourage an environment of respect.
I feel bad for you guys. I hope someone will knock some sense in your brother.
I agree. Before I should blame my SIL, brother should step up & man up.. But then what’s the good in pretty much forcing love and respect.. if they don’t wish to give it, we cant force it i guess..It’s a shame because my SIL never got any Sh*t from us..
Oh wells.. Maybe one day Allah will enlighten them!
I think maybe personally take a step back because since you’re not living with them it might be easy to pick sides with your mom. I know as womaen we tend to do that sometimes, but maybe look at it from her POV as well. It might not even be anything like that at all and just a change in her life which she isn’t handling well right now because it’s new. So if your mom has never treated her harshly then she doesn’t really need to worry.
Also, you’re right about respect not being something you can force, so if I were in your mom’s position, I would take a step back and just enjoy other aspects of my life. When your SIL wants to communicate and realizes she’s in the wrong I’m sure she will make an effort, and if she doesn’t see how her actions are driving you guys away, I’m sure your brother will notice it. But I wouldn’t advise you to get involved in this, as it’s now a matter between your mom and her.
Zainy please don’t stop showing love for the baby or stop buying her stuff that you are doing out of love. Don’t let the mother’s attitude hinder you from forming a good relationship with your niece.
She is 4 months old today. Some day she will be four years old & then fourteen & so on. Despite her mom’s ungrateful behavior if you continue to be loving towards the child, she will feel it & someday will get mature enough to understand right between wrong.
The truth is that as long as her behavior and attitude is encouraged (by her family) and as long as no one points it out to her (especially her family) she will continue being like this. And only get worse in the future.
One of my friends became quite paranoid post baby. She kept having thoughts that she had gotten too ugly and her inlaws were going to throw her out and keep her baby. And that was why she wouldn’t let her inlaws near her daughter. It was only when she asked us about what degree she needed for a certain job did she confess that she was sure she needed a job now because she was going to kicked out. Her inlaws are nice folks so her thought process was absolutely nuts! By her own admission they had not said a single word against her but it was all a gut feeling. We had to really force her to get her mind out of the insanity before she actually did wreck her home by her actions. Now, mashallah, her daughter spends most of her time with her grandparents.
She is still shocked that her mind was so out of it that what seems so obviously ridiculous felt so true to her back then. Even the most rational people can lose touch with reality. Sometimes a person can’t get out of the spiral of negative thoughts without help so I do think a little push is necessary.
This has nothing to do with gaining respect or love from your SIL. The focus here should be for your and your parents to be able to see and spend time with the baby and build a bond with her (the baby). As I’ve said before, the mother herself does’nt even have to be in the same room with you guys. She can stay in the bedroom, and your brother can bring the baby out to the living room. But for whatever reason, your brother doesn’t want to stand up for you guys and is allowing his wife to control the situation 100%, and you guys are CHOOSING to stand back and not push your brother when it comes to seeing the baby. We already know what the problem is. So if you guys can’t and/or won’t convince your brother to do something about it…you might as well accept that fact that you won’t be a part of this baby’s life.
Agree with all the comments here.. especially if we take a step back then I guess it’s only us missing out.. I guess like S02 said don’t expect basic decency even if when we do go.. the last I went over, sat for 4 hours, but the baby wasnt taken out of the bedroom nor we could go inside.. that’s just so weird.. I wonder how people have so much time and energy to think of these things.. Maybe the baby will give it back to them one day
Anyways, I’ll initiate a plan for them to come perhaps.. that way, at least I can see the baby in my lounge!
Also, given what you’re describing it sounds like you guys are feeling kind of paralyzed because you’re so afraid of offending your SIL. Despite that, it seems like any little nothing will be used as an excuse for her to take offense. Since that is the case, stop worrying too much about offending her like this – she’ll take offense no matter what you do or don’t do. Do you what you feel is right, being kind and considerate but don’t hold back unnecessarily anymore. It’s not getting you anywhere.
I don’t understand how she can face her husband each time she shuns his family. I don’t think that her own family are the only people that can make her see the light. A strong reaction or ultimatum from her husband might snap her out of her badtameezi. Maybe that’s the day that the OP’s bhabi and her parents are waiting for.
It’s one thing to be patient and very considerate toward your bhabi. It’s commendable, but it also has its limits. I think that now you should talk to your brother. Just your brother. Not on the phone. But in person. It need not be aggressive. But it needs to be done. And then let’s see how he responds. Maybe it’ll motivate him to talk to his wife.
I wonder if she’s avoiding your family so that you guys won’t ask her about her unusual and offensive behavior. Well, she cannot think that you guys will remain quiet forever. Time to talk to your brother.
