I realllllly feel very very strongly that those who have not birthed any baby, let alone two or an elephant, should not ever speak judgementally of any mother because of a lack of perspective. No one is stopping any inlaw to enter the room for viewing the baby. Can people please stop expecting formal invitations on embossed cards? It is your grandchild? sure? go in and see him/her. And while you are at it, meet your dil and be happy she went through this tough time and is still going through a tough time in order to bring this blessing into both families. As simple as that.
The entire issue is that rudeness sought is rudeness seen. One does not fault an ill person for seeming rudeness. And one definitely should not fault a LOVED ONE.
It took me eight MONTHS to physically recover from my birth experience. Just to PHYSICALLY recover. I am talking about anemia, bleeding, poor wound healing, issues moving without pain. You can never tell. And noone should judge.
Agar tumhari mukammal recovery ho chuki hai, then you need to chill. You’re blowing things way out of proportion. I looked at the issue from various angles. I certainly am not devoid of empathy toward the mother and her physical pain. I have even questioned the OP as to whether her family has offended her in any way. I have asked her if maybe her mom is the kind to take control and dictate how the baby should be raised. So, I dud consider other angles.
A woman who has birthed a baby doesn’t remain completely mute, right? She still talks to her husband, her own parents, her baby, her doctor, etc etc? Does she or no? She may not be overly talkative, but she is able to utter several sentences throughout the day. Not being able to say more than salam to your MIL…that’s unreasonable. Leaving her hanging out in the kitchen full of questions…that’s rude. I have never suggested that the new mother have full blown socialization sessions with her in-laws where she serves them tea and cooks elaborate meals for them…because I am still empathetic toward the physical/mental stress the new mother is in…HOWEVER I do think that it would only take just a few seconds more for the bhabi to tell her MIL, “Ammi, I’m wish I could talk to you more, but I am feeling very tired and unwell and I just wanna sleep.” That way the MIL understands and will not feel offended and won’t over-stay and the new mother can relax araam se…or perhaps she can help her out. But saying salam and disappearing for hours, that’s rude and leaves too many unanswered questions and assumptions. Now you might say that the MIL should know better and doesn’t require even a brief explanation…well Demesne, not every woman’s post-birth experiences are exactly the same…maybe MIL had a much easier experience than her DIL. Her husband told his mom about the post-natal depression, but I think that if bhabi also were to let her MIL know that she’s unwell, saas ko zyada tasalli ho jaye gi that there are no ill feelings from the new mother’s end.
You also need to read the thread in its entirety. And if you had read it in its entirety, you’d know that I had previously admitted to my poor choice of words. There may be more to the story, but I don’t her attitude is right. As for me using the word elephant…yes, it was a wrong choice of words…but it wasn’t said to dismiss the experience of birth, rather it was said with the intention that the experience shouldn’t be used to dismiss basic courtesy in relationships, that it’s not a license to do whatever you want. My comment doesn’t invalidate your 9 months of pregnancy, it doesn’t invalidate your labor experience, it doesn’t invalidate your post-delivery experience, it doesn’t invalidate your motherhood or the bond with your child, and it certainly doesn’t invalidate the existence of your son…so stop treating it as such and giving it that much power.
Also, let’s say that I have been consistently cold/standoffish toward a relative for instance. My parents might tell them, “RV is not feeling well or is stressed.” But if I continue with my behavior for 2 months, that relative may think that my parents are “covering up” for me and that I have some personal grudge or issue with them. However, if I myself, also take a few seconds of my time and tell that relative that I am unwell and it’s hard for me to talk for too long…then they are more likely to feel a tasalli because they are hearing the reason/explanation from the actual source: Me. I am not suggesting that the new mother make a monumental effort, but just a brief effort of courtesy that will hopefully lead to her MIL understanding her situation and providing her with even more time to relax/recover from the delivery, but without, any ill feelings or bad vibes hanging in the air between them. What is the gunnah in that?
The mothers on here have listed the various physical pains they go through…be it stitches, breast soreness, hemorrhoids, sleep deprivation, etc etc. But despite these pains, it’s a marvel of Allah’s qudrat that she still manages the strength to get up from her bed to tend to a crying baby…she still feeds despite soreness…she still moves around to change diapers and clothes and to prepare foid for child and herself. I am not saying that she’s superwoman or some machine, not at all, that’s not my intention. What I’m saying is that Subhan Allah she’s not rendered completely immobile or …wholly unable to think and reason and talk. And if a woman is going to be standoffish toward in-laws for almost 2+ months leaving them feeling hurt and confused…then yeah some people may wonder if this birthing experience was an extraordinary one. There may be more to the story. But I think that if the bhabi just took a few seconds out to explain to her in-laws or to make them feel a bit more welcome, their bewilderment/confusion will be replaced with more understanding/appreciation/mercy. The longer a rishta remains strained, the harder you have to work to get it back to normal.
Mom or no, we know the described behavior is rude and hurtful. The question is about how to understand it and how to handle it. Is it caused by the stress of being a new mom/PPD, or is it a reflection of her desire to distance herself and her family from her inlaws because she just plain doesn’t want them as part of her life?
I do agree the OP’s mom is doing the right thing by waiting it out and making efforts whenever possible.
Yeah, MashaAllah the OP’s mom is patient. But even the OP herself, I like that she tried to reach out to her bhabi via text and didn’t discuss the baby issue with her and rather complimented her on other things given that she hasn’t once seen the baby in the person in like 2 months.
That looks more like “I want my kid only loving/ being attached to his/her nanehaal at the expense of his/her dadehaal” seen it in person way too many times.
Hmm, that’s interesting. I’ve never seen this though both sets of my grandparents lived in the same city. I don’t get why they would compete at a stage when the baby won’t even remember anything that either naniyal or dadiyal does. They should compete when the kid is older and can do some manipulative game playing if his/her own.
hormones darling…leave the poor sod alone!!! sometimes i felt like telling people to their face No i don’t wanna see ya, no i don’t wanna speak to ya and No maybe i don’t wanna be around anyone apart from mum or hubby.
So sue me. And no i never suffered from PND, it’s called giving birth…sucks the life outta ya as sadzz explained. You do irrational things which don’t mean anything.
yup! i have seen ladies asking to take a nap at a host house…due to first trimester sleepiness. I have seen a lady lay down, middle of a living room during a party…3 weeks past giving birth, because she was too sore to sit around. She didn’t care who was seating around her…or that she was at someone else’s house. One of my friend had a bag to go with a catheter for almost 3-4 weeks that she carried with her to my own baby shower.
RV, i really think OP isn’t telling us the whole story. And you should consider an angle from the bhabi’s side as well. Also, why isnt the brother saying anything?
Everyone is different RV. I am sorry if it seems like I am targeting your posts, I am just reading chronologically and answering as I go along. So I do apologise.
BUT, as for himmat I would just like to say here that this information we have is one sided and may have been perceived in a wrong way. From my perspective of the OP’s post, I feel that she is being sensitive and that bhabi DID say salam and then retreated into room. I don’t feel that “shutting door in MIL’s face” means that MIL stood in threshold and bhabi closed door ON HER FACE. I don’t believe that situation occurred. There is some slight embellishment in the telling of the story to convey how the OP felt and this is my personal view.
Therefore I don’t believe this is rude.
As for husband, men generally are over enthusiastic regarding their families. As wives are about their own. So he would notice anything.
I like a point others made that perhaps she (bhabi) is upset with others too but OP doesn’t see it.
God bless my inlaws, I had such a tough time when I birthed (as I am sure do all women) that when they came over, they had NO expectations from me. They just showed they were there. They would sit in same room, come in themselves and see how I was. If I was asleep or lying in bed they wouldn’t let me get up even they’d say salam and go out and tell me to rest. And so THEY built trust in me (are you seeing this OP?) Eventually I was happy to allow them to hold baby. Initially I wouldn’t let baby off my chest!!! For two weeks I wouldn’t let ANYONE, ANYONE near baby literally ANYONE! Trust is built. Especially with a new mother. And when you trust NOONE, you still trust your mom. That is the first person you learn to trust in the world. That is a BASIC instinct. Don’t blame the bhabi!
O and as for closing bathroom door when giving baby a bath? Yeah, you do that in every situation to prevent a draft from cooling the baby :P. Doesn’t matter who else is in the room.
I may be wrong in this but I observed that the bhabi did say salam. Basic courtesy dictates that and that alone. A salam. And that she does and did do. Now you are expecting various levels of courtesy? Like sitting with them, or saying one sentence, or justifying not sitting with them cos you are attending to yourself or baby whose needs are more important and should be on every mother’s priority list?
Let’s be clear that beyond salam, “courtesy” is relative and subjective, everyone has a different view of what would be courteous.
For you it may be saying two lines justifying actions of going into room. I ask you, has the MIL not given birth? Does she need a justification for where the bahu is possibly going if not sitting with her? Does she imagine the bahu is going to chat on the phone with her buddies? Does she physically have some reason not to go to her grandchild? Has the bhabi literally said “do not come into the room”?
For someone else, perhaps it is not enough to justify. Someone else may say bahu should sit for fifteen minutes and chat.
Yet another can say bahu should make tea.
Another may say bahu should make tea, chat and dress baby up and bring out for all to see and pass baby around.
Courtesy is subjective. Rudeness would be simply NOT saying salam. She was not rude. She said salam. She went where she should have. Anyone interested is free to follow her into her room. Koshish ki kissi nay? Koi khud kare. Cos if they are waiting for an invite, every new mom has better things to do than to focus on feelings of anyone but baby. And only those who are willing to find rudeness will find this rude. Others who are “empathetic” will know it is cos all energy is about baby till somewhat handling skills are mastered and acquired. Rest functioning is bare minimum.
And it is okay that people who are not mothers do not realise or understand this sometimes, and keep drawing comparisons to make points which really are invalid in views of people who have been there. Especially some of the posters here. You just may not be able to understand till you become a mother yourself. That’s just how it is and there is nothing wrong in that.
I want to ask is there any cultural norm that you OP and family have perhaps overlooked? People can be very sensitive when it comes to new baby, perhaps expect things like sadqa given in form of baqra (aqeeqa) and/or gift of gold to DIL or money for baby. I don’t know perhaps some resentment is there cos of that? Cos if as you say baby is taken away and you are really not allowed to meet, that is uncalled for.
Courtesy is subjective, I agree. But this is your MIL, not an acquaintance or some relative that you are not fond of…whom you’d pass by on the streets and only salam would be sufficient. Acha theek hai, let’s say that she simply doesn’t feel like talking to her in-laws when they visit. But she has also not responded to texts. Aik text message ka response bhejnay main kitni dair lagti hai? There’s more to the story, but apart from salam, she doesn’t sound all that courteous. The longer she continues this, the more she’s hurting herself, her marriage, etc. Who knows what the resentment is about, but if it’s over not receiving more gold and money, sorry to say this but that’s a really cheap attitude.
I’m mainly projecting. What has me alerted now is reading that the baby is taken away or something. There are a lot of questions unanswered by OP too.
From a wifely perspective, if the husband and wife have some issues with one another, likelihood is that the harboured resentment spills over a bit into inlaws’ cup till the issues are resolved.
Throwing ideas out there now.
MIL is wise to stay distant. I think OP would do good to trust her mum. Baqi, yes apni izzat apne hath me. Interact as much as you can without losing your self respect. All things settle with time.
I know that you’re just putting out ideas, but gosh I hope gold and money isn’t the cause of resentment. Imagine how “classy” it would sound when you tell your husband that this is the reason you’re keeping the baby away from her grandmother.
Rabia, maybe I am wrong, …but toddlers have a short attention span and they can get mischievous..with spilling things and what not. A baby is not likely to do that. The baby in this scenario can’t even crawl yet, so mom can be close by and do other things. Plus OP said that bhabi lived with her mom for quite some time. So. If your mom is there to help you out…and our moms do pamper us in that we don’t need to cook or clean cuz mom will take care of it…so this leaves bhabi more time to send at least a brief text response. She could respond while baby is nursing…I’ve seen new moms feed their newborns while talking to friends/family. Call me crazy…but a bit of multi-tasking doesn’t seem all that far-fetched, our gender is known for multi-tasking. A simple text such as “Thank you :)” …would take a couple seconds and then you can doze off or head to the shower, etc.
What is the brother doing about this situation? Why he hasn’t done anything to create more of peaceful atmosphere for wife and his family? Why no one is asking him if things are okay b/w him and wifey. Why no one is asking him him to bring the baby for visit with wifey or just out of the room?
It must be very suffocating for bhabhi to stay locked in the room like that for whatever reason she is locking herself in the room. We are just too fixed on the babhi…I feel the brother is playing a big role in what is going on. Someone needs to give him a wake up call big time.
RV, I don’t know about this bhabhi or her situation but honestly when I had my baby, I wasn’t really interested in replying to any texts or fb messages, etc. However, my husband made sure his family wasn’t feeling neglected. They were getting pictures and updates, etc.
PS. I am not defending her actions but sharing my experience.
