Why does it even matter that the Bhabi is supposedly “shunning” anyone. Some day when OP has her own family & kids this niece won’t even matter much. Call it bitter reality or a matter of accepting different relationships as they are & being practical in life.
But that’s how it is. Who has the time to even think of these things & create such egotistical issues about it all. Not referring to you Zainy but talking about people in general especially us Desis.
Why can’t we just accept the fact that ultimately at some point in life family means your own kids & spouse. As long as her brother is happy with the family he has created with his own wife & baby who cares about why he isn’t stepping up his game & confronting wife about disrespecting in laws. Why talk to him & create unnecessary tension or drama in his life when as a first time father he is probably dealing with a lot of changes. Changes that can be stressful even for men after having a child.
And if some of you think sitting in your own room post partum, yes even after four months is wrong or some of the other things mentioned about the said Bhabi is wrong, then you guys clearly haven’t come actoss actual rude & condescending Bahus or Bhabis.
4 days or 4 months if someone doesn’t want you to be a part of their happiness or appreciate what you are doing for them, then time to move on.
I agree with you on the first point, regarding the neice not mattering much once OP has her own kid. But the part regarding “family” is only wife and baby…and who cares about the in-laws…the first thing is that they are not HIS in-laws, they are his parents and sister. He should care and make sure his wife and children care about HIS parents and sibling and their feelings. I understand that unneecessary drama should be avioded, but “disrespecting the parents,” is NOT unnecessary.
Just like you a wife wouldn’t want her parents to be disrecepted, she should respect his parents as well. It is his responsiblity to make sure his parents are not disrecptected by ANYONE…let alone his own wife.
I never once said who cares about inlaws. What I did say was who cares about “making the brother confront the wife”. Brother is a grown man who should be able to differentiate between right & wrong behavior towards his parents & siblings. He shouldn’t be “made” to do it. Maybe time for another reality check. Brother is noticing & with the circumstances at hand (new baby & all) he chooses not to talk to his wife about this issue & will talk when the right time comes. Only he would know when that right time is.
Inlaws deserve respect just like any other human being whether they are of a woman or a man. If anything parents & siblings deserve more than just basic respect but you don’t “make” grown up people “respect” in laws.
Referring to your comment “just like I as a wife wouldn’t want my parents to be disrespected, OP’s Bhabi should respect brother’s family as well”. We can’t compare me as a wife to OP’s Bhabi as a wife. We are two different people living two different lives. I don’t just respect my parents in law or husband’s sisters because I am expected to but I genuinely love them because of how I care for them & how they choose to respond to that emotion.
The only time I was ever ungrateful after receiving a gift for my child was when someone had the audacity to give her 15 years old worn & stained clothes of their own grandchild. Otherwise I have received quite a few toys, clothes & even books that I personally wouldn’t buy for my child but I was still grateful for the gift & appreciated the gesture a lot.
Given the situation at hand, OP’s mother being the wise & experienced woman she is, is handling it well. If anything OP seems to be the one who is founding more faults here. The reason I said ultimate family are spouse & kids is to give her a different perspective which she will only get once she has her own family InshaAllah. Right now unintentionally she might end up causing extra or permanent damage to either Bhai & Bhabi’s relationship or between her mother & the Bhabi.
This whole “my family you better respect them” thinking is getting old now. Applied on both men & women. I don’t see how it is wise to confront the person you are going to spend the REST of your life with over the people you have ALREADY SPENT your life with. This doesn’t mean the previous people don’t mean anything. As mentioned earlier blood relationships are stronger than anything & love & respect is their blood right over you but only “YOU” not your spouse.
Lol sorry Bint_e_Naeem, I am not trying to cause any drama or tension between my bro n bhabhi.. I agree with the fact, my brother is a grown man and if and when he wants to confront his wife, he will.. I do not entice nor plan to make or suggest to my mum or anyone from my fam including my self to sit down ‘and let’s have a chat’..
it’s like saying ‘why didnt you invite me to the wedding party’.. if someone didnt they didnt.. it’s just a sad reality that we cannot celebrate or be close to the first grandchild of the family.. lucky r those who do but InshaAllah maybe the patience will pay off..
I have however stopped sending my courteous sms extra to her, because what’s the point if she looks at them and ignores/laughs.. !
Because most of the times it is only one side that has to make a sacrifise. In this case it’s the husband’s family. It would be fair then if the husband behaves the same way as his wife. But no, then wife ji will create trouble, because it’s her parents and siblings and how dare her husband treat them like that.
This is how we create princesses who want everything to happen their way. Because poor womenz already have to go through so much, let us cut them some slack.
It would be funny if she has a brother whose wife will act the same way. We’ll see how ‘understanding’ she or her mom then will be. Hypocrisy on it’s best.
Most of the people who say the reality of ‘family is only my spouse and kids’, they actually mean: my spouse, kids and my side of the family. And that is the bitter reality.
You call it egotistical issues. I don’t understand why you would call it that.
Atleast desis still care for family system and care for tight family bonds. Glad we havent reached that point yet were we only see our family on special occasions like funerals. Lekin woh bhi din door nahin hai.
^that!!
Just because the brother is an adult means he knowns what he and his wife are doing is correct. If you can’t tell your brother what he is doing wrong…thn who can you?
Throughout the 10 pages of this thread I still fail to understand something: what pray tell is making the Bhabi so indifferent to her inlaws/exposing baby to dadiyal? I’m sorry, but there are ALWAYS three sides to every story…your version, her version and what really happened. I’m definitely not pointing fingers at you Zainy, but honestly, think long and hard, is there possibly anything that was done or said, jaanay ya anjaanay main, that could have upset or offended your brother/Bhabi/her family and you guys just aren’t aware of it? Something is just not adding up here.
And why can’t your mom just call up your brother or your bhabi’s parents and flex her dadi muscle and flat out say that she wants to see/spend time with the baby? Have a party especially for baby at your place or create some environment on your turf where it will be impossible for Bhabi to shield the baby from you all.
Well I have thought long and hard, I can’t think of anything.. and I hope that is not the case.. Same can go our way too, I can count numerous times Ive been offended but to keep family unity especially when your soo far away from homeland and all you have each other, best to let things go!
Im not asking to be in their lives, or in their faces they’ve been married a long time and we’ve never been like that, it’s just when we DO go visit bring the baby out, or come over in your own time! not for the whole day half hr is fine!!
Anyway, it’s hard to sit here defend something that dosent need defending.. Allah knows how pure our hearts are.. It’s easy to point the fingers and in laws, DIL whatever.. InshaAllah everything will be ok!
I still don’t understand why you haven’t asked to see the baby when you go there, or have you? I feel like you visit and sit there passively waiting for this baby to be brought to you. Maybe they don’t think it bugs you as much as it does since you’ve never proactively done anything about it?
Zainy. Woman. Tis’ high time that your mom , or just you even, talk to your brother about the chile that is your bhabi. If you’re not gonna address the issue, then you need to be a wee bit more assertive the next time you visit your brother. Don’t just plop down on the sofa with your mom and aik doosre ka moonh dekhtay raho and then leave. Tell bhabi, “We don’t come here often, but when we do, you and the baby both disapper in the room and we leave without seeing her. We would like to see more of her, to hold her.” Bas. Or knock on the closed bedroom door, have your brother knock on the door and call out his wifey’s name. Basically, you don’t need to get nasty, but be civilly proactive.
So not being a mother and having no personal experience with post-natal depression except having witnessed it in others, in this case only having one side of the story, I think it’s a cop out.
There is an old mahavra - Rani huwi diwani, susraal waalon pe phekha eentha pathar, maikay waalon pe phekha ladoo, phool.
I don’t care how difficult the birth was - basic common courtesy and decency cannot be exempted because of PND. Fine, it may have been a tough birth and the DIL/SIL may find it difficult to move about (and these are all assumptions), but why is it the same difficulties don’t arise when dealing with her own family?
And as to the whole, well maybe the in-laws were mean to the DIL/SIL and this is her way of getting back at them - um, no. The only person who is gaining in this is the DIL - by taking her revenge against the in-laws. What she’s doing is perpetuating any tension in the relationship and encouraging from birth, her child to prefer her side of the family. It boggles my mind how a parent can teach or train their child to love one side over another. A child is pure innocence and they will love where they receive love from. To deny them either the nanyaal or dadyaal is spiteful on the part of the parent who does so.
As for the brother, he needs to man up and advocate for his child. I’m fully aware that most threads on GS only share one side of the story and there’s another truth or reality that is missing - so it’s less about who’s at fault since no one on this board will ever know that. Regardless of fault or blame, it’s not the adults who are losing out so much as the child and the baby needs to be everyone’s priority.
I wholeheartedly agree with the blue bit, Sehrysh, and oh so thoroughly do I agree with you! But youse have to be da vary vary careful with comments like the black. Such declarations may be viewed through a lens that is more jazbaati than logical and cause a dhamaaka. There are better and more worthier ways to be martyred.
Respectfully disagree with your post. Life does not mean only your spouse and kids. It takes a village to raise a child, not just mommy and daddy. I feel that many kids today don’t even know how to interact with adults like their grandparents, their aunts and uncles, other than salam and haal chaal pooch lia and then be on your merry way. When you have kids, the need for socialization increases even more. Your kids will want to interact with other kids their age, be that within the family our outside. Hence, you and your spouse will have to form connections with people. You will take your kids to community events. Should, God forbid, a crisis takes place in your life, you and your spouse will depend on family for support and this teaches your kids the importance of being there for your family, of maintaining ties.
Oh I admit that some relations are hella obnoxious and we feel like staying away from them, but our deen and our Prophet SAWS has emphasized maintaining ties with family, that it’s a means of increasing rizq and there are dire consequences for breaking them. Try as hard as you want but you can’t confine yourself to that bubble of the nuclear family. Call a spade a spade. It is frikkin’ wrong what’s happening here. This is a very special time in the life of OP and her family and they’re being deprived of it. I like hearing stories about my childhood from people other than my parents and siblings, memories that my khalas and chacha and cousins can recall and will fondly talk about despite having their own families. If you think that depriving the OP and daadi of time with this baby is no big deal, then tell me, why does bhabi make it a point for her own mom to spend time with the baby, eh? It’s because bhabi thinks it’s important for baby and nani to bond, but she’s not applying the same sentiments of “family togetherness and bonding” to her in-laws. And, no it’s not just a Desi-thang or beemari to get upset at this, I can totally picture goray grandparents and aunts feeling very hurt too.
Any misunderstanding b/w in-laws and bhabi will only come to light when OP and her mom actually talk to the brother and bhabi. Until then we’re just driving ourselves mad with guesswork.
OP you are not going to get anywhere by twisting your head around and thinking about what you have done or why she is acting like this. You could talk directly to your bhabhi and ask her if there’s something that is upsetting her, or you can talk to your brother and ask him what’s up with the whole thing. If you can do neither, I suggest you just take a step back, care for the baby as you would and just leave them alone.
I guess some people already said this but I will just repeat it. In your case the fault does lie with your brother - he is the one who has to create the balance between you guys and his wife/daughter. A wife - most of the time - will act towards the inlaws the way her husband will allow it, if he doesn’t put down the foot and set the same standard for his family as for hers, it’s obvious to everyone that he doesn’t care and from your posts it seems obvious that he does not..
Waise bhi kissi ko itna sar par chadhane ki zarorat nahin hai. Jab bhai ko aqal nahi to bhabhi se kya umeed kar sakte hain?