Post Natal or just being rude?

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@Paheli00

Let SIL stay in her room. Spending time with your brother and the baby isn’t good enough? You never did answer this when I asked earlier…when SIL goes into her room, does she INSIST that the baby go with her too?

Got no issues spending time with brother and baby, however every time we have gone to visit, SIL takes baby in as well, and if not her, then her SIL mother takes the baby within few minutes..

Funny how rules and attitude differ depending on which side of the family it is.. Oh wells ..

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@rabia3983

You should invite the SIL and her whole family to your house. NO exception! Mothers day is coming up and you can use that as an excuse. Tell you brother and other that you want to take care of your SIL now that she is a mother etc. NO way out of it!

haha yup, I thought there would be no way out of it too, tried to make that and was let down yet once again…

anyway, if there is no will filhaal to keep in touch, i really can’t help it.. its sad people would use baby as a mechanism or apparatus to get back at someone..

honestly, since her pregnancy been trying to think of all the times ive met and whether my fam has done something yo upset her, and i cant think of anythign.. God knows whats on her mind.. my brother should step up!

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@S02

^if she’s nursing, that would be difficult.

no shes stopped that

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@pwner

I think the best option is, to go their house for a while. Go into her room,cuddle the baby for 5 minutes max and come back. No other feasible option.

I will, once shes back at her n brothers house.. but going into her room - impossible,. it wasnt even like that before!!

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Wow, so you’re not allowed to go into Bhabi’s room and she and her mom will take the baby back into the room within a few minutes of your family’s arrival. What kind of selective depression is this?

Is your bhabi making an effort to respond to your texts if she can’t interact with you in person? If she doesn’t, then I’m sorry…but aik had hoti hai even for wanting space and privacy. It shouldn’t come at the expense of permanently damaging relationships.

[S02]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

I’m sorry that you and your family are being treated like this. It’s obviously not okay.

Stay positive and open to her. Make efforts when you feel like it. InshAllah things will get better in the future. But expect nothing for now.

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@redvelvet

Wow, so you’re not allowed to go into Bhabi’s room and she and her mom will take the baby back into the room within a few minutes of your family’s arrival. What kind of selective depression is this?

Is your bhabi making an effort to respond to your texts if she can’t interact with you in person? If she doesn’t, then I’m sorry…but aik had hoti hai even for wanting space and privacy. It shouldn’t come at the expense of permanently damaging relationships.

I used to send her text every other day asking how shes doing, and really not always basing text about the baby, but more how special she is and how she is doing etc etc..

When she never used to respond, I stopped messaging.. theres no need for me to be constantly ignored like that.. I have a feeling that whats she wants in a way, to permanently damage relationships, that is just so unfair if that’s the case!

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Yes thank you, praying and trying to be as patient as we can.. let’s hope it all does settle down… someday..

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@S02

I’m sorry that you and your family are being treated like this. **It’s obviously not okay. **

Stay positive and open to her. Make efforts when you feel like it. InshAllah things will get better in the future. But expect nothing for now.

This. And it’s good to see another member who is also a mother admit this.

[S02]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

^ to be fair, I think others (who are mothers) do see/admit it too. They’re just putting all the possibilities out there. If the mother was posting here, people would be trying to make her see sense. But it’s her nand, who is obviously upset and hurt by what’s going on. Rather than just rant with her and encourage anger toward her bhabi, I think people are trying to get the OP to understand what her bhabi is going through to make her behave in such a hurtful and dismissive manner. It’s not that what the bhabi is doing is acceptable, just that it COULD be understandable. But I do feel there’s more to the situation.

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@zainykhan

I used to send her text every other day asking how shes doing, and really not always basing text about the baby, but more how special she is and how she is doing etc etc..

When she never used to respond, I stopped messaging.. theres no need for me to be constantly ignored like that.. I have a feeling that whats she wants in a way, to permanently damage relationships, that is just so unfair if that’s the case!

Okay maybe I’m crazy, but I’d like to think that a new mother can manage to text even a 1-line response whilst feeding her baby or while she’s lying on the bed next to her baby. I doubt that there is a shadeeed pain in her thumbs that prevents texting, or maybe I’m wrong.

As someone else has said earlier, depression may impair your judgment but it doesn’t deplete all your brain cells and totally kill off ypur conscience/zameer so that one doesn’t have any awareness about their actions. What I mean is that most of us KNOW when we are blowing off people in person. So, we think to ourselves, “Gosh, Lemme at least respond to this person’s text since I haven’t been interacting with them in person for ages.” But if one cannot even do that, then that’s really sad.

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@S02

^ to be fair, I think others (who are mothers) do see/admit it too. They’re just putting all the possibilities out there. If the mother was posting here, people would be trying to make her see sense. But it’s her nand, who is obviously upset and hurt by what’s going on. Rather than just rant with her and encourage anger toward her bhabi, I think people are trying to get the OP to understand what her bhabi is going through to make her behave in such a hurtful and dismissive manner. It’s not that what the bhabi is doing is acceptable, just that it COULD be understandable. But I do feel there’s more to the situation.

S,

I’m not trying to incite OP against her bhabi. That’s not my intention. I believe it’s commendable that she and her family are showing patience. I’ve talked to the OP via PM and I never suggested that she respond with aggression and even she knows this. However I do agree with her that the behavior is strange. And I agree with other members (parents or otherwise) that feel that there’s a limit to even “aaaaaawwwwwnnnn’ing” in hamdardi. Despite bhabi not making an effort, main tab bhi nahi suggest karoon gi that OP and her family get rude or tough with her. Some members received criticism for merely stating that they feel bhabi is taking things too far and I think that’s silly. This opinion of theirs does not mean they encourage rudeness toward the bhabi.

[rabia3983]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

I am sorry OP that you and your family are going thru this. Again not sure of your bhabi’s conditions and stuff…what is bugging me more about all of this is your brother and how he isn’t doing anything to make sure the baby and you guys get enough time together. If your bhahi is has depression…your brother doesn’t and even while she is depressed, she can’t and shouldn’t be able to stop her husband from taking the baby to his parents house.

I think its time your parents have a talk with him.

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@rabia3983

I am sorry OP that you and your family are going thru this. Again not sure of your bhabi’s conditions and stuff…what is bugging me more about all of this is your brother and how he isn’t doing anything to make sure the baby and you guys get enough time together. If your bhahi is has depression…your brother doesn’t and even while she is depressed, she can’t and shouldn’t be able to stop her husband from taking the baby to his parents house.

I think its time your parents have a talk with him.

Yeah I agree.. I just dont get why my brother is so blind in all of this.. not once have we said or complained anything about his wifes attitude, shouldn’t that be enough to leave that all aside, and do whats right by our side and make plans where we can interact with the baby. in the last month at least my parents have got to see the baby twice, I haven’t once..

With the risk of sounding typical Nand type, I am 100% sure SIL mother is fuelling a lot of tension.. lifes so short, who has the time to play such games..

over it

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@zainykhan

Yeah I agree.. I just dont get why my brother is so blind in all of this.. not once have we said or complained anything about his wifes attitude, shouldn’t that be enough to leave that all aside, and do whats right by our side and make plans where we can interact with the baby. in the last month at least my parents have got to see the baby twice, I haven’t once..

With the risk of sounding typical Nand type, I am 100% sure SIL mother is fuelling a lot of tension.. lifes so short, who has the time to play such games..

over it

Well, he’s not entirely blind because I do recall you saying that your brother noticed his wife’s attitude when you and and your mom went to visit bhabi at her mother’s home. But it’s tough for him to be stuck between his family and wife and risking the resentment of one party to please the other. Even if your bhabi is depressed, I hope she’s not over-playing that card with your brother as an excuse to justify the current tension and to prevent him from discussing the issue with her. How long has it been now?

If talking to your brother will result in his wife accusing you of brainwashing him, would it help if your parents had a discussion in front of both your brother and bhabi? Maybe your mom can say that the reason she didn’t talk to your brother privately was because she didn’t want to be accused of complaining/brainwashing, etc. Let your brother witness and hear from both his mom and wife…so that later on there’s no manipulating of words and “he said/she said.” How would this approach go? Or maybe your mom can simply say in front of both of them that I would like see all of you more often especially the baby as I’ve only seen her twice and Zainy hasn’t seen her once…and if you BOTH don’t want us to interact with us, let us know. By using the word BOTH, she won’t be singling out the bhabi and is putting accountability on both of them. How would this approach go?

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@redvelvet

Well, he’s not entirely blind because I do recall you saying that your brother noticed his wife’s attitude when you and and your mom went to visit bhabi at her mother’s home. But it’s tough for him to be stuck between his family and wife and risking the resentment of one party to please the other. Even if your bhabi is depressed, I hope she’s not over-playing that card with your brother as an excuse to justify the current tension and to prevent him from discussing the issue with her. How long has it been now?

If talking to your brother will result in his wife accusing you of brainwashing him, would it help if your parents had a discussion in front of both your brother and bhabi? Maybe your mom can say that the reason she didn’t talk to your brother privately was because she didn’t want to be accused of complaining/brainwashing, etc. Let your brother witness and hear from both his mom and wife…so that later on there’s no manipulating of words and “he said/she said.” How would this approach go? Or maybe your mom can simply say in front of both of them that I would like see all of you more often especially the baby as I’ve only seen her twice and Zainy hasn’t seen her once…and if you BOTH don’t want us to interact with us, let us know. By using the word BOTH, she won’t be singling out the bhabi and is putting accountability on both of them. How would this approach go?

i suspect thats what she wants, wants us to flip or have chat, and it ends badly .. not going to let that happen - my bro shouldnt let it happen either.

[redvelvet]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Having a civil chat is not flipping out.

[zainykhan]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@redvelvet

Having a civil chat is not flipping out.

true true..m im going to speak to my mum..

[Demilitarize]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

@zainykhan

I don’t dispute that post natal is just a ‘westernised’ made up thing.. and don’t get me wrong am not suggesting my SIL should be standing stark naked in front of my mum, or should be comfortable when breast feeding and so forth.. I am talking about just respect and not making us feel as if we r doing something wrong if we go over and take some food or see her or the baby. if we go visit once after 6 - 7 days, her not coming out of her room to say Salam or anything.. But we have stopped all of that now too - as we feel she does not prefer it..

And yes, we do not intend to speak to my brother about it at all.. 6 weeks is way to early to jump to any conclusions. Going back to your question how has she been otherwise, well I’d say it’s been on and off… we have ever hardly interfered so when we meet we try and meet on a nice casual basis, but our fam holds no expectations.. She’s done stuff in the past but nothing like what’s happening now.

We don’t really like confrontation and do not intend to have a ‘family talk’ to ‘sort out issues’ etc.. We are just waiting as patiently as we can and praying & hoping everything gets better soon..

I think you are not a mom, please don’t mind my observation. If I am right then please heed what I will say next. Your mother is right to give DIL space. In my personal view, it is you who is being oversensitive and anyone else who feels DIL is being rude. It is not rude. She is dealing with more than just being a mom. She is in a battle with her body, her routine, her sleep, her eating, adjusting to new baby and baby adjusting to her. And when push comes to shove, EVERYONE trusts their own mother first and foremost because that is the first person we trust when we open our eyes in this world. It is a BASIC instinct. It has NOTHING to do with your bhabi and the mil relationship. When in time of trouble, we all cry for “mama” and we all resort to Mama. It is as simple as that. Kindly do not read too much into it. Go but go without expectations. Understand that bhabi is primary caregiver and if she doesn’t know how to give care she is LEARNING and if she isn’t letting anyone see the baby, you are wrong about this perception. You only seem to be going when it is inconvenient to adapt routine perhaps. It is insanely taxing for a NEW FIRSTTIME MOM to adjust. Some take months! and even then it is according to their own routine.
I say it again, you are reading too much into this and you should not.

[Demilitarize]

Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Disclaimer: I apologise if I missed anything relevant in the seven pages. I only read page one. Still haven’t read the rest, probably won’t. Two cents given based on OP