Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
**Thank you!!! **
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Where did I personally attack you? By insinuating you have selective comprehension? Aww…itni si baat burri lagayi aap ko? Challo, I’m sorry, I apologize. I did not mean to personally attack you.
And as far as the other stuff, please, don’t be so bhola. We all know your alter egos/multi, and your track record for interacting and picking on a certain subset of posters speaks for itself.
And go ahead and pass whatever comments you would like about me…koi hell break loose nahin hoga…it most certainly wouldn’t be the first time you’ve gone out of your way to embarrass or pick on me. 
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I haven’t said one thing about you personally. You keep on making statements against me. Its out there for everyone to see. You could chose to respond to the point i raised, instead all you did was vent your pent up frustrations for whatever reasons.
Anyhow. I am out.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
^ pwner, from one bro to another, this is very much a women’s and parents’ issue. You brought up Pakistanis living abroad talking about Pakistan, well if I’ve spent even one summer in Pakistan, I can talk about it because of a direct experience. Granted, it’s not like living in Pakistan. If you ever find yourself in a place where you’ve given birth just a little, feel free to judge.
Just comparing the whole non-resident Pakistanis situation to the child birth/PPD situation shows your fundamental lack of understanding of the issue.
Additionally, you are more than welcome to judge, give your two cents, tell us your opinion, but you will not be taken seriously by anyone who has actually gone through the process. There is a difference between judging and telling us YOUR observations, I think KurriPunjaban did a great job telling us what she witnessed first hand with the big disclaimer that she has NO idea what child birth or PPD can do to a person.
Sometimes, it’s OK to just say “Yeah, I don’t know enough about this to argue vehemently”, I know it’s hard, but sometimes wise. This is a very touchy subject and you WILL be met with very strong responses. I think you knew going in that that would be the case.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I think everyone is being too harsh on redvelvet. PPD has not been diagnosed officialyy so we are all making assumptions. Redvelvet isn’t doing anything different than the others. Except that she isn’t taking the new mother’s side.
PPD is a serious disorder that should not be taken lightly, and I don’t think anyone will disagree on that. Sorry for the people who had to go through it, and don’t wish it upon anyone else 
And yes childbirth (and the period before and after) is difficult and a both mentally and physically stressing period (even when there aren’t serious complications), but it doesn’t give women a free card to become plain rude. (I am not talking about having PPD now)
Yes hormones will be out of balance and tiredness will make you cranky, but there is no excuse for acting rude and irrational all day long. Nobody is going to take that.
I understand that for some this issue is very sensitive, but I think we should try not to perceive anyone having a different opinion as a personal attack ttowards us or towards women in general, otherwise all kinds of discussions will become difficult.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I haven’t been through PPD, but I did go through a depression last year which knocked me down and lasted several months. But while my family was patient with me, I still had to make an effort at civility to maintain my relationships. Rudeness is rudeness whether it stems from insecurity, a bad day, or depression. You can cut the depressed person some slack, but they are still not totally exempt from making an effort at even basic decency toward family and friends. The cure to depression is not based solely on medication, therapy and loved ones showing sabar, it also entails pushing yourself (be it a little at a time) to restore normalcy in your relationships and life. You may not feel like showering, or praying, or responding to a simple question from a loved one…but you have to push yourself. There needs to be an ehsaas for the feelings of your loved ones who are showing you so much patience, but that shouldn’t be taken advantage of.
I am not in “all support” of the in-laws. I had even suggested to OP that she and her mom avoid dictating to the new mother how she should handle her baby…I had even included the caveat/possibility Op’s family maybe offending the bhabi in some way. This reflects consideration for the bhabi’s feelings as well. But I do not favor looking at this situation only or strictly through emotion and sympathy and no logic or aqal whatsoever. If the depressed person’s aqal/logic is impaired …that doesn’t mean that those of us who are not depressed cannot infuse some common sense/logic into our sympathies. Often times parents will act nicer to the people their kids are being rude to…as a way of attempting to maintain some peace, but unfortunately in this scenario the mother of the bhabi who is not suffering from depression and has less of an excuse for her rudeness …is behaving no better than her daughter. I sympathize with a woman’s discomfort both during pregnancy and after birth, but I feel bad for the in-laws who are feeling shunned by both their DIL and her mother. For some reason it seems like a few folks on here are feeling as though their own birth experiences, and PPD experiences, and heck maybe even the existence of the children they’ve brought into the world has been in “invalidated” or “dismissed” by the argument that a depressed person is still not exempt from making an effort at maintaining civility/decency.
The longer that one remains deliberately careless and inconsiderate towards their loved ones, the greater the potential for the relationships to become seriously damaged…maybe even irreversibly so. In-laws tend not to have the level of patience our immediate family does. Agar doosray laug hamaray liye ehsaas rakh rahay hain…sabar kar rahain hain…to humain bhi koshish karni chahiye. Even professionals will not dismiss the importance of making an effort when treating depression patients.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
My PPD was not diagnosed officially, however I had it. I was an emotional mess. My mother was with me but there were so many things that annoyed me…my brother telling me that I need a shower when I had one 2 hrs before his visit, my mother telling me to keep my mouth shut and pretend nothing happened. My lovely mother not listening to me and over working herself, food restrictions, comments on how I can’t breastfeed, etc etc. If literally wanted to be left alone. I love my mother and am very thankful for all her help. However, I was very sensitive and would break down in tears for no reason, for something very small…
I do agree with ahmaad that sometimes it is not a bad idea to step back and accept that “I don’t know enough about this topic.”
OP, there could be many reasons for your bhabhi’s behavior. Give her some time. Inshahallah things will get better for all of you.
Oh and I feel your brother should do something about the situation instead of supporting his MIL.
My husband did all the grocery shopping over the weekend, my mother worked with whatever we had in the house. Unless, it was something very urgent, we waited for the weekend.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
So what if she’s being rude. Give her a break. 6 weeks postpartum is still a difficult stage. When i was 6 weeks postpartum, i couldn’t even sit for extended periods of time on the sofa and when we had guests over, i would sit at the very edge of it because 1.) it hurt 2.) I had his pagal feeling that I would stain it with blood (even though I was wearing a pad). I sat awkwardly because I always smelled so bad, and anyone who came over thought i was nut case. Oh and I also walked holding my ass in my hands , because it felt like it would fall off any minute. My mother was furious at how I was acting.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I really don’t get where you’re going with this.
Jee humein koshish karni chahiye but the leading lady in this case is not on this site to read your concerns and suggestions. Who are you writing all this for?
OP - As many others have said, give your bhabhi a break and let her heal - emotionally and physically. Give her some time, I’m sure she’ll come around once she feels a little better. Bonding with your nephew/niece isn’t really that important at this stage. All baby needs is mommy and I’m sure you guys will have plenty of time to bond later.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
The leading lady isn’t here to read your concerns and suggestions either even though they show greater support for her. I could ask you the same question…who are you writing for? Heck the same question can be asked of everyone here…who are they writing for? Some people are dismissing making even a koshish. Mubarak ho that this is an obvious to you, but for others it isn’t.
I have NEVER said that in-laws should stop being patient with her. I have not even suggested that they retalliate or ignore her back. I am simply saying that she also has the responsibility to make an effort…be it a little at a time. A couple posters said she wasn’t being rude and I disagreed. I am not wrong in saying that generally in-laws have less patience than immediate family. I am also not wrong in saying that the longer rudeness persists, the greater the risk to a relationship. Even professionals will advise a depressed person to make an effort. What gunnah have I committed here? If your issue is with me using certain words in previous posts I shouldn’t have…then fine…I could have used better wording. But even if I speak nicely, you guys have an issue. Does having kids entitle you guys to shun another perspective…a common sense one…just because the other person didn’t have the experience yet? Do my views somehow invalidate your birth and post-birth experience. That’s what it appears like and it shouldn’t.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
My comment was directed to the OP, not her bhabhi.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
It doesn’t matter. Op is not here to read anybody elses’s concerns and suggestions let alone mine. It’s silly that you should confine it only to me when it applies to everyone in this thread. This reflects a bias on your part. Somehow my views have offended you to the point of producing this unreasonable bias in you toward me..and this sort of thinking leads to ganging up.
Maybe I am wrong in thinking this, but I feel that even the monthly PMS women go through won’t fly as an excuse before Allah for our rudeness toward others. Again, I could be wrong, but I feel this way because it still doesn’t render a person’s intellect or conscience wholly impaired. Aik had hoti hai and in this case in-laws don’t even live with her.
I discussed this thread with a friend who had her third child only two months ago and got her opinion. She said that perhaps the bhabi feels self-conscious or scared that in-laws will dictate/control how the child is raised and/or perhaps criticize the way the new mother does things. I put forth this possibility in a post and the OP refuted it. But even my friend feels that as hard as the after-math of birth is, one should still try to be decent with in-laws who don’t even live with you in the first place nor visit you often nor stick around for hours. That even if you let your in-laws know that you can only interact with them for but a few moments, try to make those few moments as decent/respectable as possible…to not use your condition as a license/card to cross limits frequently. I know my friend’s opinion is not the rule, but it goes to show that even those have experience will not always agree.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Sorry - that is not the case at all.. The post may have come across as passive but have no intention of being aggressive at all.. We’ve backed off, and giving all the space to my bhabhi and if she’s only comfortable with her mother at this stage then be it so.
We are all there for her regardless, I am not pestering her with calls/sms everyday, but every once in three/four days I do drop in a line asking how she is going etc..
InsahAllah in due course it will all settle down. Just got to be patient.
As far as the OP’s original post, to me, it seems extremely passive aggressive and riddled with bias. The assertions that the bhabi is robbing the inlaws of their only grandchild and that a baby’s well being is at stake seem pretty melodramatic, and honestly, not any different from the same acts she’s bemoaning bhabi for.
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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
And also, I really do appreciate the time people have taken out to reply.. It’s given me a perspective which perhaps I was leaning lesser towards.. But definitely I’m very proud of my mum who was and still is of the opinion to let everything go, and in due course everything shall settle.. I guess mum being a mother herself was able to understand her.. I really hope it does, and does not remain a permanent thing.. I dont know why bhabhis mum being weird though, but meh it’s fine lol..
I did notice someone did mention how the husband is not being supportive. I have witnessed and have been in constant communication with him, and he had taken some extra time off after the paternity leave period had ended, and during that time was being helpful and supportive.. I do agree with how he can not be with his child/wife whilst wife is at her mums house, and to his credit, he said that that was the very thing bhabi wanted so he is doing what she’s asking.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
RV I think to some extent your mental capacities could be compromised during depression. Its difficult to explain rational behaviour to someone if they can’t even see that they’re being irrational.
For example my aunt is schizophrenic, but if you tell her that she is, she refuses to believe it, fights treatment, etc. She is an extremely intelligent woman and at times functions completely normally, but at other times it’s like she’s on an alien planet and her capacity for recognizing that is non existent. It scares me sometimes to think what her world in her head must look like to act the way she does.
I’ve always been one to think that one is always responsible for their behaviour and their actions and if you really want to you can change what you want about yourself. But through my experience I’ve come to learn that you can’t explain chemical imbalances. And maybe this is a naive belief I have because I am fortunate enough to have all my mental capacities fully functioning.
I’ve never been pregnant so I don’t know but it’s possible that during PPD these same kind of chemical imbalances affect your judgement and incapacitate your mind to an extent. The person in question might not even realize how she is acting or how its being perceived.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
^L,
I get what you’re saying and the points you have made crossed my mind as well. I understand there are degrees of depression…some people have suicidal thoughts. I have not at all denied that it doesn’t require patience, it most certainly does. I responded to Deeba’s post where she said that the bhabi wasn’t that rude and I disagreed with her and my response focused on the idea that giving birth does not entitle one to be careless or rude. I admit I could have used better word choice, but while I support sympathizing and showing patience, I still cannot underplay or dismiss her actions. As I said earlier, I went through a depression and one day I was very rude to my parents. They were patient with me, but I still feel ashamed for my behavior…as frustrated as I was…I believe I still had the capacity to exercise more control but I chose not to. I know that PMS’ing can make make women more crazy…and for me during that time if the month I noticed I would dwell and dwell and dwell over something someone said. I realized I had to channel my mind in another direction. I realized that while PMS’img I would only see negative in a person …so when I recognized this I realized I had to remind myself of the good in that person so my perception us not skewed. I had to exert that effort. I also found that doing ibadat/tasbeeh helped. I am not suggesting that pms us the same as ppd…they’re not. But an effort to cope with the situation is required from everyone…the family and the new mother…there’s no khuli choot to do whatever. I hope that things return to normal soon for the OP. I don’t know if maybe the in-laws have offended the bhabi in a way that they are unaware if and that she gas informed her mom about which is leading mom to act cold as well? I do sympathize with the in-laws ..in that op said that bhabi’s mother has also noticed her behavior and is only fueling it. The mom could talk to her daughter and tell her to just talk to your in-laws in a friendly way only for a minute or two and then politely excuse yourself to go rest in your room…so that in-laws don’t leave feeling rejected. Schizophrenia is an extreme example…par in lesser cases…banday pe zimaydari hoti hai k woh thora sa compromise kar le…especially when others are being patient.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
^How rude the sil was is subjective.. To me her actions didn’t seem that bad, especially taking into account the fact that she may have been very tired, unwell and/or depressed..
I also have experience with depression and know how debilitating it can be.. I’d hope those who are around people going through it would show a little more empathy and compassion..
OP, I hope things get better and the situation is resolved..
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Agreed.
If we can happily give opinions, learn to handle as well. Because at the end of the day after all that crap has been tossed around, all it is is opinions. Not facts. OP has presented a scenario and based on that people here have made judgements and let others know what they think. If we’re so happy to do that, please show tolerance towards the opinion of others.
Also, please remember that we cannot call someone’s opinion incorrect or irrelevant. By definition, that is impossible.
Or don’t. God knows I enjoy watching danga on here as much as the next person.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Just saw this on Twitter and thought back to this thread..
If we treated physical illness like mental illnesses:
Restored attachments:
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Nice one.. Just FYI, sil hasn’t been in touch with us for over month nor have I seen my niece lol.. its ok, we’re giving her as much time as she needs