Post Natal or just being rude?

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Thanks everyone for your comments. For those thinking there was issues prior to this and bhabhi using baby birth as a way of getting back, don’t think that would be the case at all. She has had her moments in the past but without any biase we haven’t ignited the flame.
Regarding her Inlaws or Mil giving tips on how to raise child etc, nope none of us do that bhabhi has got her mum to talk about all of that.
Regarding closing door being the issue, sorry if it came across as that Its more like bhabhi mother telling brother to call my mum over for “extra help” to send my brother out for groceries chores and only to leave mum out for the next few hours. A lot of other petty things that her mother manages to do and my mum is quite soft spoken and we’ll mannered so no confrontation ever eventuates.
And no, we don’t intend to speak to her or my brother, I’ve said myself 6 weeks is way to early. I’m praying inshallah whatever it is will settle down soon.
I do agree with the tameez element. No we do not want her to sit with us hour on end when we go.. To those readers who think we are being unreasonable I’d hate to think we are but we will back off even more. A baby’s well being is at stake here and we wouldn’t want to hinder anything because of us.
I was is it upset and tensed up about her behaviour but let’s see in due course if anything changes.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Give her time if she doesnt want to interact much with her inlaws then its ok…your brother is happy with her and she takes good care of her baby then what else would you ask for?
Keep low expectations…
Again your mom knows how a person feels/acts/behaves after having a baby maybe thats why she is calmed and relaxed…she went through this herself so she knows how to handle the situation…

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

when will people understand that having a baby is not just about them… about this whole “robbing the grandparents of the grandchild” business…

why cant people be more understanding of what a woman goes through after having a baby?! Besides the fact that you have gone through a crazy emotional and physical exercise, you are now responsible for another human being who is literally sucking the life out of you (especially if you’re breastfeeding). Add to that, people (inlaws and own family members included), telling you how you’re not giving them any attention…

please people… put things into perspective.

It’s not ALWAYS about YOU

I will be the first to admit, I went through all this, and treated everyone “rudely”. If that’s what considered rude.

Binte explained it really well. Especially the graphicai stide of it all. I’d like to add to that… if you’re breastfeeding, or attempting to… the process can take upto 2 hours (if not more) at a time.. you might have 20-30 minutes of a break, and then be demanded again by the baby…

So when you’re saying, that she’s only coming out of her room to get a glass of water… be thankful she’s even doing that. Most mother’s don’t even get that chance. I certainly didn’t.

I HATE how people want to gang up on the new mother and tell her how horrible she is for taking the baby away from them. Hate it even more when they start complaining to the husband. As if his life hasn’t been turned upside down already.

And RV… no we have’t given birth to a haathi… but maybe our bodies weren’t intended for that. Delivering a baby of that size, is enough torture on our bodies. Add to that, the inability to have any power over your bladder and boobs… doesn’t make for a very pretty mother. At all.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

zainy :hug: give it about 2-3 months… by that time the baby and mother will be in some sort of routine and things will get better. It’s not supposed to be hard.. but it is. I can tell you, I was quite distorted after having my kids.. even though I had decided that second time round I’d be a lot more saner, it didn’t work out that way. Things just escalate. You’re so low on self-esteem and have so sleep deprived, you cant at all be rational. If I were you, I’d just make her some chai and maybe make her something nice to eat or buy her a nice top… i dunno… make it about her, it might make her feel better.

Most people forget the mother after childbirth. She just becomes like a milk bottle and poopy wiper, and nothing else. That’s how I felt anyways. My hair was crap. My face was crap. My body was out of wack. On top of that, you have a child that just doesn’t understand you, but wants to be with you 24/7.

Gift her something… something unrelated to the baby. It might change things, for a little bit :slight_smile:

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

I used the haathi example not to dismiss the physical/emotional/mental stress that a woman goes through both during and after birth but to address the dismissal of making a little more effort to show tameez.

If I am no in the mood to socialize, I let my friends and family know if it’s due to me being unwell or stressed or busy. I don’t know how deep PPD depression can run but it’s hard for me to imagine that a woman would be oblivious to the confused expressions on the faces of her husband and in-laws. I’ll say it again…I’m not advocating that she bend over backwards with hospitality toward her in-laws…but at least make the effort for more courtesy.

For instance, rather than saying salam to the MIL who has brought you food and disappearing into your room for hours…at least tell her that you’re going to go put the baby to sleep/feed it/or nap yourself before stalking off to your room and leaving her hanging. How many seconds does that take? There is a difference between going to your room for a short while and disappearing for hours with no prior explanation. Or invite MIL in the room to see the baby just for a little bit but let her gently know that you’re unwell and would like to sleep shortly afterwards so MIL doesn’t overstay her welcome. And if you are staying with your mom, chances are you’re not doing the cooking and cleaning as moms tend to help out a lot. You don’t even have to play hostess and serve refreshments when your husband brings his parents over for a visit…cuz your mom can handle that. And if you still cannot manage to fake a more welcoming boothi to your in-laws…be it even for a brief duration…and even your husband us staring at your perturbed at your iciness…then gosh I dunno what to say.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

^ RV.. its pointless with you.

Yes, at times it is quite hard to fake a welcoming “boothi” as you put it.

And please, refrain from saying anything. Unless you know what PPD is, and how it affects a woman, don’t come here and dismiss a mother’s attitude and go all out in support of Inlaws.

Period

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Saddz, when I saw your name as the recent poster in this thread…I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you’d have something to say about my post…as you have done so the past couple of times as well in Life 1. Save the mothering tone …that you often use …for your kids and not for the members on here. The last time it was a complaint about me trying to analyze an issue in Life 1 from a psychological pov…tab bhi tumhe tid peer ho rahi thi…aur ab is liye ho rahi hai because my sympathies for the bhabi don’t extend to justifying making no effort at courtesy. Not everyone will share your views. You can choose to simply ignore my posts. Period.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

^ that’s because, RV, you seem to respond about things you have no idea about, and u take it to the level of disbelief :slight_smile:

I’m pretty sure, you didn’t read (any of) my entire posts

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Sadzzz, I don’t have any experience with marriage and kids apart from teaching. I have never denied that. This point has been flung in my face by regular members and mods alike. But even among the experienced lot, you will find people who won’t agree with you and will respond with disbelief. There’s no restriction in that one must have a particular experience in order to post their two cents. Even if one has depression, then apart from seeking therapy and using medication…the individual still has to exert an effort to return to normalcy within their relationships. Family cannot display a one-sided sabar all the time. They also need reciprocation from the depressed person…be it even a small effort…to maintain the relationship. People have rights over each other in relationships. It’s a two way street…so it cannot be a one-way effort.

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I don’t have kids, nor am I married, but have lived in a joint family for nearly 11 years with my SIL who I love to bits. She has 3 kids, her first and second pregnancy were mashAllah very smooth. Apart from the usual phases a new mother goes through she/we had no major problems as a family on the whole. During her 3rd pregnancy however she had both pre and post natal depression and I can tell you it was like living with a complete stranger.

You need to give your bhabi a break. I understand it is difficult, but you should understand it is even more difficult for her. You need to give her space and show the same love and affection as always otherwise you will end up fuelling the issue. It took my bhabi a few months to go back to her normal self and trust me, even she now looks back on her behaviour and wonders what went wrong.

Patience and understanding is all you need no matter how much her words/actions hurt. She’s not doing it on purpose, nor is she doing it to be spiteful IMO. Initially I felt the same way when my SIL was going through this then I realised I had no idea what she was going through. No one can tbh, as every case is different.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

First of all, anyone here who hasn’t had a baby (especially Red Velvet), your opinion, advice, thoughts on this matter are completely null, void, and without merit. I’m sorry, you just don’t GET it until you’ve been through it, so instead of INSISTING on your opinion why not be open minded and learn from people who actually know what they are talking about.

OK, PPD is serious, it’s real, and it’s dangerous. Those of you who are going on and on about why is this only affecting the inlaws clearly don’t understand PPD. It is a massive hormone imbalance, it is lack of sleep, it is a massive change in lifestyle, it is your world turned upside down. NO NORMAL human being can be expected to act remotely normal under these circumstances. Maybe the new mother feels closer to her mom than anyone else and so is OK with her, maybe she wants to not appear depressed in front of her inlaws, doesn’t matter, we could speculate till the cows come home, we will NEVER know what she’s going through, so stop with your judging the mother and learn a thing or two, namely that a new mother is to be given any and all support, UNCONDITIONALLY.

Next, what kind of husband is just OK with his wife going away during some of the most formative parts of a baby’s life? Does he not want to spend time with his child? Maybe she left to go to her mom because he’s being useless and not helping?

Next, OP, you don’t know the whole story do you? You only know the inlaws point of view. There is always two sides to a story.

Lastly, it is very common in a desi household to make up issues out of nothing, instead of respecting the new mother’s wishes, the inlaws are making it all about them, this “Me me me” mentality in Pakistani households is the root of all problems. This birth, the mother/child bonding is all about the mother, child, and the father (which he clearly doesn’t seem to want to be a part of because he’s so overwhelmed and whiny), it’s NOT about the inlaws and they should STOP trying to make it about themselves.

I’m sorry if anyone here is offended, but it makes me crazy when people who have ZERO idea of what they’re talking about pass judgement and throw in their worthless two cents as fact.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

RV i think you don’t understand depression. I do not have experience with depression either but have seen it and read enough about it to know that people do NOT act rational when they are depressed. In a mental disorder normally the person doesn’t know they have it, or deny it. The hormones work against your NORMAL thoughts process. So if you just read a little about it and see that without therapy and medication (with the OP’s bhabi hasn’t had,) PPD will not allow her to think clearly.

SO think for a second…if you didn’t know what was right or wrong how you could know to inform others about your condition. You keep refereeing to when you are sick…but when you have a flu or a common cold you mind isn’t telling you to kick yourself…BUT in depression/PPD you have negative thoughts about the child (who has changed everything,) about yourself (who can’t seems to get it together…) etc.

There are few things that you just have to experience to understand and having a child and raising one is one of those.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

You know maybe I judged this new mother too soon and I think I take my words back. I was just appalled at the rudeness of not coming out of the room when the MIL came over and closing the door in her face but as Khatti suggested it seems there’s more to the story.

I’ve personally gone through two child births and though I definitely experienced postpartum blues and would cry out of frustration, it never got to the point of depression and I would always gladly hand my baby over to family members so I get a break! But like others have suggested, everyone deals with postpartum differently. I think we all give our opinions based on what we personally experienced and since I did not go through that, I was just surprised at this new mother’s behavior.

Also, 6 weeks is the worst time for a new mom! That’s when crying peaks and you are at your wits end. It gets a lot better after the 3 month mark. If things still don’t get better then maybe your brother can try talking to her to see if something is bothering her. And PPD is a medical condition that requires help. Postpartum blues go away on their own but PPD can last for a long time so your brother should be supportive and try to seek professional help for his wife.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Okay, speaking of manners, what is with the language … “boothi” and “tid peer”. Seriously? We are not jaahil ganwaar, are we?

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Acha prashn poocha aapnay.

Now why do all of you get your panties in a twist when someone says you are not living in paksitan so don’t claim to be expert on it? hippo crites?

Why can’t people without kids comment on these issus?

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Because unless you have physically, yourself, given birth and dealt with the postpartum aftermath, their is no way in hell you can ever know what a new mom is going through or feeling. It’s impossible, no matter how much you’ve read up on the subject or seen your cousins, friends etc. You have to experience it to know, and thus, when someone who has not given birth (be they a man or a women) comes in guns blazing and brushes off PPD or the physical and mental effects of childbirth on a new mom, they are going to be called out on those comments.

Comparing an opinion on politics or living in pakistan to childbirth/hormonal imbalance, seriously?!? A person can pick and move countries…a man can’t grow a uterus and give birth to a child, so please don’t draw on those comparisons.

As far as the OP’s original post, to me, it seems extremely passive aggressive and riddled with bias. The assertions that the bhabi is robbing the inlaws of their only grandchild and that a baby’s well being is at stake seem pretty melodramatic, and honestly, not any different from the same acts she’s bemoaning bhabi for.

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Oh well. Unless you live in pakistan, go through the daily struggles (phsyical and mental), you don’t know the feelings a person goes through… its impossible to know, no matter how many cousins/relatives you ahve, how many vacations you have been to, how much news you watch…how is that any different?

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

^ typical and expected response with selective comprehension.

You have no interest in being empathetic or objective, and we all know your ammo is to berate and bring down women/"abcd’s/bbcd’s etc for the shock value so I’m not even going to attempt to further engage in this convo with you

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Ok, you win. Happy?

Pakistan is your baby. You can feed it or kill it. We are the crazy in-laws in this case. Hai na?

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Re: Post Natal or just being rude?

Well you can resort to personal attacks and judgmental condascending tone whenever you chose to. Since you have the authority here and all the friends in teh right places.

If i were to comment on your ‘intersts’ and ‘ammo’ …you wouldn’t take it so well would u? :hehe:.. All hell would break lose.