Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
well op is the inlaws in this situation and may have only noticed the rudeness only towards herself and her parents.
Yes Seriously!!! if you are depressed, hate yourself or the baby or family members (including husband,) mind is foggy, are confused…do you really think she will know NOT to close the door on the MIL’s face.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Oh well. Seen this many times. This is not post-natal. Its going to continue and get worse.
Your family should start mentally preparing to separate your brother from the family. You guys can either drag it, make issues out of it, try to stop the inevitable..but it will do you no good.
It is a bitter unpleasant reality of your situation and better to come to terms with it as early as possible.
PS: Does the post-natal also effect the girl’s mother? Just curious 
OP doesn’t stay with her SIL 24/7. There is no way she would know if this attitude is only for her family or it has been this way with others too.
As far as people questioning whether the Bahu treats her own mother the same way is concerned then OP wouldn’t know that either. There are already various reasons I mentioned above that automatically make a mother more desirable than a mother in law after delivery. At the same time, for all we know she might be having a hard time time with her own mother too. Of course no one would know that because her mother might not even talk about it in front of others.
Also where saying salam & going back to her room is concerned. Then what else does one expect a new mother to do? She might still not have even healed physically. Every pregnancy is different, some woman are on their feet within 4 days, some don’t heal for months. She is obviously not getting a good night’s sleep. How many of us get groggy after missing one night of sleep for school or a work assignment, she has been dealing with sleepless nights for quite some time now.
Give her time & space & please don’t talk to the husband yet. You will only make matters worse.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I was thinking this.. Am not sure how someone in that situation spending ‘hours at a time’ in her room or just going back to her room after getting a glass of water is that rude.. I know when I’m not feeling that great I’m a bit like that.. Talking about a new mother with sleepless nights, generally feeling a bit ‘off’ or possibly with post-natal depression I would have thought most people would give her a bit of space and leeway..
OP mentioned somewhere that the inlaws were being “robbed” of their grandchild. That’s a bit dramatic (and harsh) in regards to the situation imo.. Not seeing the baby for a week and a half to two weeks doesn’t sound ***that ***awful to me..
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
^ It may not be THAT rude, but it’s still rude. The word THAT only implies a lower degree of rudeness and not the absence of it.
The woman birthed one baby, not two, and certainly not an elephant…that even 6 weeks later she cannot manage more than salam. A distant aunt was in the last stage of pancreatic cancer and managed to sit with guests for a short duration even if she couldn’t talk much. This is something to think about…that even those on their death bed can manage more hospitality…and this is a case of 6 weeks post delivery.
She can let her husband know what times during the day are more suitable for in-laws to visit…so she has more energy to entertain them if only for an hour. After salam, one can ask how are you, one can invite MIL to come look at the baby. If baby is sleeping, one can give MIL some time…brief as it may be. If one can’t cook…food/refreshments can be bought.
If she has good rapport with in-laws…she could request them to watch baby while she goes to the bathroom, takes a quick shower, gets something to eat.
Unless the OP’s family has in some way unknowingly offended the bhabi, it’s odd that her depression is only confined to her in-laws…and it’s wrong to keep grandparents away…especially when they don’t even live with you. Even among goray people, the grandparents are not kept at length for this long.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
RV you can’t really predict when that suitable time will be. My friend visited me after consulting with me what the best time will be to visit. My baby had a hysterical, crying episode and although my she tried to help me with the baby I got very upset by the end of it and just wanted her to leave.
And its just 6 weeks not 6 months, give the woman a break.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
the amount of wreckage the body goes through it may as well have been a haathi, how many kids have you given birth to to be so blasé about childbirth.?
Let’s get a little graphic here. It’s not just being sleep deprived or having an “achy” body. Depending on whether the mother had a vaginal or c section. The first being even worse in my opinion. She is extremely sore down there. Imagine having someone open your private part, tearing up muscles that never get used. Having intercourse doesn’t count. One can’t compare a man’s private part with a baby’s head & body. Stitching these muscles up which also happens in most deliveries.
Depending on how she is healing down there, she may or may not have had or will have infections. Imagine someone pricking 1000 needles at once down there.
Even if she has had a c section (I am sure c section has its own hardships which maybe another mother here can shed some light on) she is probably constipated. Constipation during & after delivery sucks. Your bottom is constantly sore. Forget sitting on a couch, even sitting upright on a bed can be tricky sometimes.
Almost every pregnant or new mother suffers from serious gas issues resulting in bad stomach cramps. Thanks to that constipation.
Some women suffer from headaches & severe eye pain. Your nipples are super sore. Your breasts are so heavy, they are pulling you down with them resulting in back pain. There are issues like latching & breast milk engorgement.
The list can go on & on. If anything expecting a new mother to “push” herself versus the family around her trying to understand that she has recently gone through a lot of hardship. The latter should feel more pressured to work around the issues & stay patient. Also OP mentioned it’s been 6 weeks not 6 months.
Just cause our mothers & their mothers & their mothers have been doing this doesn’t make it any easier. This is temporary. This time will pass soon & then everyone will have all the time in the world to be around the baby & cherish him/her.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
I have given birth to no children. Nor am I married. Khush? Smugly satisfied now? And while I understand that pregnancy/birth are different for everyone…I’ve seen examples of women who are still able to manage more than salam. I’m not saying that she should bend over backwards to entertain in-laws. Par banda thori bahut himmat kar leta hai to force a smile, to interact just a little bit. Ya phir at least before running off to your room and shutting the door in MIL’s face…let her know that I’m going to go put the baby to sleep or I’m going to feed it. Say something before disappearing. Both sides have to adopt some flexibility. Even her husband is noticing that it’s strange behavior and not just fatigue.
When your friend came to visit you, were you cold with her or did you still manage to say more to her than just salam/hello??? And when your baby had a hysterical fit, did you throw or kick your friend out or did you patiently/calmly indicate that you want to be left alone to handle her? Despite the physical/emotional stress…you still managed tameez right?
The in-laws are not showing up every day nor are they staying for hours. If she felt overwhelmed in her own home, she shifted to her mom’s house. So mom is …to to the best of her ability…helping her daughter and the baby. I doubt that she has to cook or clean as mom is most likely doing that for her. So, the bhabi must be feeling greater relief with all the help. There must be “less” to do in your mom’s house…but she still can’t manage tameez when husband brings his parents over to her mom’s house? What is that all about? Does bhabi even talk to her own parents as well or is she giving them the silent treatment too?
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
wow, RV didn’t expect that from you.
Anyways i had a c section…and yes it was as bad as a vaginal birth…due to the pain you are in for days, weeks and for some ppl months after the fact. For the first two to three weeks i had to ask my husband to get be out of the bed (pillow top mattress…super high.) For the first week or so…i even asked for help with changing my pads. You can’t sit for too long as the stiches will start to hurt. Can’t stand or walk for too long either. Breast feeding is also hard at first…i couldn’t do it lying down.
Why is it so hard for some to understand that the birth process isn’t the same for everyone? A friend of mine who is a doctor here in the US…had a normal pregnancy, gave birth to a healthy (big,) baby boy mA and in the process damaged her hip bone, got a bad tear. Developed an infection about two months after having a baby and had to be hospitalized for a week. Completely different from what others in our group had experienced.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
So how long is it expected for her to be post-natal and pissy due to physical stress?? 6 months i guess?
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Rabia, since birth experiences vary for every woman…nobody is a mind reader…not even the in-laws. Can the bhabi not even araam se tell her MIL…that “Ammi aap please mind na karain, par meray liye aik jagah baithna bahut mushkil hai so I prefer resting in my room.”…or some sort of explanation that doesn’t leave in-laws hanging in suspense and baffled by her behvior and that would also make them, understand and be more supportive. Itna bhi nahi ho sakta? If not, then wow. She cannot be oblivious to the fact that in-laws haven’t interacted much with her and the baby. One tends to be aware of their distant behavior even during depression. If you have in-laws who are not the kind to impose on you and are supportive, them is it too much to explain why you can’t talk for long or stay around too long? No gunjaaish for even that courtesy?
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Perhaps I’m missing something here but is the mother actually preventing the in-laws from seeing the baby? The mother not wanting to be social with the in-laws herself is a separate issue from her preventing the in-laws from seeing the baby. And it seems that your family is mainly upset about not being able to see the baby enough?? Or did I misunderstand your 1st post?
When she walks back into her room…has your brother (ie. the husband) went and said to his wife in private something like “honey I know you’re still recovering and need to rest…I will take the baby and go in the living room and sit with my parents/sister while you rest”. Or has the wife actually told her husband that HE can’t take the baby into the living room without her?
Post Natal or just being rude?
I don’t get it. What does the physical turmoil of giving birth have to do with acting so rude towards your in-laws. Again as per the post, they only want to visit every now and then and hold the baby. It’s not as if they want to hold the mother! The mother can rest all she wants. Why do people keep going on and on about the turmoil of child birth. Yes it’s indeed a pretty traumatic experience but they aren’t asking the mother to cook meals for them. They just want to spend time with the baby. What does that have to do with stitches, episiotomy, soreness etc.?
Also PPD doesn’t eradicate every brain cell in your brain or wipe out every ounce of manners you have. Sitting for 20 mins while your MIL is visiting you is not a big deal. You don’t have to say much. Just hand her the baby and lie down on the couch! Yes PPD is a very serious issue. Even baby blues that almost every woman experiences can be emotionally draining but not every erratic behavior can conveniently be categorized under PPD. PPD has more to do with feeling extremely sensitive, overwhelmed and incompetent. It has nothing to do with not letting a grandmother spend a mere 30 minutes with your baby.
Exactly. That’s how I understood it.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
and OP also realizes wat is good and bad…so not PPD.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
None of us is qualified to determine if this woman has PPD. I think people are just trying to understand/explain how giving birth can lead an otherwise friendly and polite person to suddenly become rude and dismissive. Of course her behavior isn’t great or acceptable, but perhaps it is understandable?
Though from the undertone I’m picking up, there’s more going on here and giving birth has just exacerbated an already tense situation.
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Agreed. Too many loopholes. OP hasn’t provided specific examples (YET) on how the mother is preventing the in-laws from spending time the baby itself. Furthermore…seems like the husband has spoken with the midwives who has informed him the mother may have PPD…so what’s being done to treat the PPD by the midwife or the OB? Has the husband spoken to his wife and HER mother regarding the wife seeking treatment for PPD?
It would be helpful to also know more about the birth itself to get an idea on what her physical state MIGHT be. Did the mother have vaginal delivery vs. C-Section? Was the labor long/traumatic? Even with a vaginal delivery…were there complications/serious tears/infection etc?
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
This exactly!
…which is why I said earlier that something in this whole scenario is not clicking. There has to be more to the story/family dynamic than OP is letting on
Re: Post Natal or just being rude?
Op, you said that your bhabi closed the door on MIL when she had to bathe the baby. Maybe she feels self-conscious as a new mother and fears her in-laws dictating how she should raise her child…as in how to hold the baby, bathe it, when to feed it, etc etc. So, think about if your mom has made such comments or is prone to doing that. When your bhabi opens up…and hopefully it’ll be soon…that would be something to keep in mind when interacting with her and the baby…to not try to “take over” or to be mindful of how comments are worded.