Just a random thought , how many of you ladies ( or indeed men!) miss their parents home now that they are married? Especially those that live with their in-laws?
I live with my in-laws ( not out of choice though! It was a decision made as my husband has a house but his grandparents live in it, we could not turf them out and are saving for another house!)
for examples major differences like sometimes i find my MIL asking me to wash the dishes when my SIL are just goofing around doing nothing! I also do my own washing, but i usually get shown something ‘new’ every other day as my MIL has her own strange ways of life yet she never shows my SILs!! i mean i dont mind she is
showing me for my own benefit but sometimes i do wonder that she should be showing all the girls not just me!
Or sometimes just the littlest of things like how my mum would take care of me i expect my MIL to but she does not ( obviously!) i do love my MIL and vice versa but sometimes your own daughter is your own daughter! I really do wish alot these days that i had my own place even if it were a small flat as i think small things like i like to eat breakfast and then wash my dishes but here my MIL and FIL get itchy if there are plates in the sink! and just the freedom of doing what you what cooking what you want etc! i sometimes feel embarassed when we are shopping to pick up anything i like LOL for no reason what so ever apart from i don’t like to spend their money no idea why ( as i live in their house!)
I generally even now months after being married, really miss my parents and my family ALOT! I miss how me and my own bhabi and cousins would spend hours together laughing wherehas here my SIL’s do there own thing and usually i don’t go shopping or anything with them ( they dont ask!)
i miss being part of something instead sometimes i feel like a spare part , now that i am excited my parents in-law are sort of excited but my SIL don’t really care i try to excite them by showing them the scan pictures and so forth but they don’t seem to care so much.
They seem to be more excited about their eldest sisters baby boy all the time ( understandable i love my brothers baby to BITS and PIECES!) they are always going to see her etc which is fine but what about me
and other things like they agree to go to daavats without asking me if i have any plans on the weekend and i forcibly end up going. or going to dinner to my oldest SIL’s home ( who i really dont get along she hates me i have never done anything to her!) but i don’t like going to her house and she always call me fat ( i am size 8 but curvy) or forever putting me down and since she had her baby boy she thinks she is the queen of the world!
so my question is … who misses home?
i sure as hell do , especially right now i’d happily lay my head in my mums or bhabi’s lap and watch some tv.
When i InsAllah have my baby/ and all future kids when they get married i am not going to let them live with their in laws or even let my own daughter in laws live with me. I think i’d prefer them to live in their own places ( if they or we can afford) and have them close by so that i can look after them i think freedom in a marriage allows you to grow yourself and create you own life. When living with the in-laws you follow their life pattern!
Why do us girls have to go through so much change sigh
eventhough i do not live with in laws or anyone else and i still really miss my parent’s house sometimes, spent alot of years at that house and cherish every memory of it
I'm not married yet, but, I think regardless of where you live, you'll always miss your maternal home :(
I think space for a new couple is extremely necessary, but this concept isn't easily understood -- especially amongst desi families. It's just seen as rude or unnecessary if a girl wants her own space :S
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i sometimes feel embarassed when we are shopping to pick up anything i like LOL for no reason what so ever apart from i don't like to spend their money :|
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dont you get any allowance from hubby? to buy things for your self? When you say your spending thier money surely your spending your husbands money?
If its bearable and not increasing this controlling behaviour is fine if you can put up with it and get used to it.
If it is increasing and becoming more controlling each week or month then i would say put your foot down alittle, buy some or two things at shopping, say no one or two times when they ask you to do something or go somewhere you dont want to go.
I think every girl misses her parents home. I'll be getting married next year and this thought of missing home hits me every now and again, and it really makes me upset. :( But changes are a part of life, so it's best to embrace them with an open mind and hope for the best. :)
As to your in-laws, I would say you're lucky to be in such a position, because many other girls have to listen to complaints when they're living with their in-laws. I think it requires a bit of patience, which from your post, you seem to have demonstrated really well so far. If you're saving up for your own place, then you have hope to move out, which again is a good thing. (And you might find that you miss your in-laws house then, and not just your parents home....:))
Btw, you say your SIL's aren't too excited about your baby....but I think when s/he is born, they will develop a bond. It's just one of those things, they probably don't feel excited because they can't physical touch and pick up the baby.
dont you get any allowance from hubby? to buy things for your self? When you say your spending thier money surely your spending your husbands money?
If its bearable and not increasing this controlling behaviour is fine if you can put up with it and get used to it.
If it is increasing and becoming more controlling each week or month then i would say put your foot down alittle, buy some or two things at shopping, say no one or two times when they ask you to do something or go somewhere you dont want to go.
I do get an allowance :) sounds abit childish lol
No i mean in terms of my in-laws are very nice, and its just a normal thing for MIL to do the food shopping or everyone gives her a list of things to buy. I just sometimes get embarassed ( no idea why... if this was me going shopping with my mum i'd be purchasing anything and everything!) if i just want something else LOL. Its not a control issue.
disney princess- i don't think they actually care to be honest. When my eldest SIL was pregnant they were always talking about it , started buying little presents and so forth. It does not worry me alot as to be quite honest i've done alot for them, and i usually don't get any appreciation from them so i am used to it. Also InsAllah my baby will loved alot by my MasAllah huge family :) and by me and my husband!
It's such a diffculty being asian and these melodrama's! my non asian friends just don't give two hoots live in their own space ( although rented some of them!) and they manage to be happy in their own worlds! sigh
Im been married for 4 years now and miss my parents every minute of my life,,, I wish they were living atleast same country as me and I could visit them whenever im depressed or homesick,, I cant even threat my husband" mei maikay chali gaon gi tum dekhtay rahio":o
Just thought about this now...how many girls in Pak who already know that there's a good chance they'll have an arranged marriage...let their parents know that they want a guy who lives separately? I know that there's no guarantee....as in you might live separately at first...and then circumstances may require you live with in-laws later on. Most of my cousins in Pak.....I highly doubt that they've ever made such a requirement known to their parents....and I doubt that all of them were asked what they wanted.
I think that even if one had the nicest in-laws....it's a challenge to live together and not step one another's toes....to have privacy, etc. More power to those that can manage it....cuz I haven't met many women who are too keen on the arrangement.
1- missing parents
2- adjusting to live with inlaws, and mismatching expectations, living conditions, communications etc.
not one and the same thing.
while not a comment on this specific situation, what ladies have to realize is that the expectations change when someone is married because one is considered an adult. combine that with #2 above and its a lot of change in a very short time.
Now to answer the missing parents bit, lived away from them for a year at 14, and then 17 onwards was on my own in a diff continent and saw them only on breaks and sometimes not even then. always missed the family but learnt how to deal with it.
If they are ok with you surely that's enough. You can't expect them to treat you like they would their own daughter or sister in the case of the sister in laws that don't care. You won't be living with them forever, and they don't actually do anything to you.
From very personal experience I have seen so many of my cousins being mollycoddled by their parents that they can't deal with the fact that they are not everybodies 'princess'. In no way whatsoever am I saying that you come across as that, but hun, if they don't actually do anything or say anything to you then I would just smile and nod.
When your sister in laws get married their MIL will show them how to do everything too. That's just the way it works for some people.
One of my cousins wives used to go on and on about how before marriage her mum wouldn't ever let her do any housework, she didn't teach her how to cook or anything, when she got married all she did was complain that her sister in laws did no work. Erm...pot...kettle...black.
Just thought about this now...how many girls in Pak who already know that there's a good chance they'll have an arranged marriage...let their parents know that they want a guy who lives separately? I know that there's no guarantee....as in you might live separately at first...and then circumstances may require you live with in-laws later on. Most of my cousins in Pak.....I highly doubt that they've ever made such a requirement known to their parents....and I doubt that all of them were asked what they wanted.
I think that even if one had the nicest in-laws....it's a challenge to live together and not step one another's toes....to have privacy, etc. More power to those that can manage it....cuz I haven't met many women who are too keen on the arrangement.
Agree..
I've also always wondered why parents don't bother checking out the future living arrangements of their daughters, even moreso if they're going abroad.. Even when we go on holiday we'd check out the hotel and that's only for a week or so, not the months on end or even permanently that some girls will be living with their inlaws.. I know for sure I would put my foot down if my daughter was going to be expected to live in a home with no privacy or enough space..
Even if you did find out every single little teeny tiny thing out about anybody you would be living with, things will change, as they do. It's inevitable (sp).
Plus, adulthood sucks, time to pull yer socks up and deal with it.
Situations do change but better to at least look into it than taking something so important for granted or going into it blind.. In terms of material things something as basic as checking she has a decent sized bedroom and separate bathroom if living with inlaws can make a big difference imo..
I understand that you can't find out every little thing about a person....I even understand that there is much you won't you learn about someone until you start living with them. But there are some MAJOR things...that one can make the effort to learn about...or at least voice their opinion about (such as living arrangements) while doing a rishta search. There is no gunnah in that. In fact I think it's better....as opposed to going into a situation that you know you're averse to......and hurting yourself and others, etc. Again, more power to those that can manage it.
And of course a MIL won't treat her DIL the same way as her own daughters.....although I'm sure they're some out there that make more of an effort. But while I understand that the dynamics of both relationships are different....this common-sense understanding DOES NOT justify blatant unjust treatment/requirements.
Are you confused?? Because you just opened a thread asking how much would it cost to maintain a wife inc such minor things as sweets and cosmetics lol..
Am I missing something here? Her inlaws havnt actually done anything to her.
Her MIL asks her to wash up....erm, don't single girls living at home wash up anymore?
Her SILs don't take her shopping? Really, really? Is that a big deal?
Her SILs dote on their nephew...didn't she admit to doing the same to her nephew? P.S isn't her husband's nephew her nephew too?
As for her LOLing whenever they go shopping for food, married women = grown up and if a grown up wants food a grown up should know how to ask for it/buy it.
I really don't get why her living with in laws is such a big deal when it's pretty clear OP's inlaws don't actually do anything awful to her. As for the 'little things', they are little.
Milly, I don't know who your post is directed at. But if it's at me...I'm not arguing with anyone. I'm only speaking in a general way. One person's "little thing" can be a huge deal to someone else...and sometimes the "little things" (if they happen often enough) add up. If she knows that she's going to be stuck in this living arragement for a long time...then she needs to pick and choose her battles...which is basically what you're saying and that's a valid point. But what I mean...(in a general way)....is that if such an arrangement is not acceptable to a person....then that's something to consider before marriage. Again, I understand that circumstances later on may change things where you don't get your way.
and are saving for another house!)
no idea why ( as i live in their house!)
