Hi. I’m a long time viewer of this forum and have eventually joined!! I’m pakistani muslim and would like to know how others have dealt with difficult family relationships, in particular with their mothers.
My mother was very physically and emotionally abusive through out my childhood and teenage years. Consequently I’ve had depression in the past although with the help of cognitive behaviour therapy have come to terms with what’s happened.
My issue is my family resides 5 minutes away. She is contact with me daily. I have reduced going over to her house but she causes trouble for me if I minimise contact. My husband sees her cunning and nasty ways and her own daughter in law who lives with her has also suffered greatly due to my mothers narcissistic ways.
I often feel if I wasn’t a muslim I would have broken ties years ago. I don’t love or even like her. It’s so bad I know. Does anyone have similar experiences?
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
If it is really impacting you that much then I see no harm in breaking all contact, to maintain your sanity. There are no medals to won for going mad over relatives. My opinion will be to break all contact and seek forgiveness from Allah.
Break your ties. Don’t let anyone religiously blackmail you. If she is abusive to you, then your first duty is to protect your sanity and look for your well being
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Is there a reason you and your husband can’t move to a place that’s further away?
And I agree with Icono and TLK. Our religion doesn’t say that you need to continue to subject yourself to any type of abuse (including emotional) from anyone.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
[quote=“Paheli00, post:35, topic:335229”]
Is there a reason you and your husband can’t move to a place that’s further away?
My husband works locally and my son is settled at school so moving is completely out of the question. I have asked if we could relocate but he stated it would be unnecessary upheaval.
To the other person asking if my mother daughter help- she is a typical narcassist. She believes she has never done anything wrong especially with her parenting although as siblings I see everyone of us with mild- moderate psychological issues due to her abusive ways.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I often have flash backs of things which have happened over 15-20 years ago. I have so much anger and resentment especially as I myself am a mother,cant comprehend how a person can act this way towards their own child.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
By *****ing about me, telling my siblings what an awful daughter I am as I have no time for her. Turning my father against me- he works offshore but she is in contact with him daily. He will then skype me and state that I should go see my mother. He is an authoritarian type. Very cultured and I can’t stand up to him. No one does, not even any elders. He is pretty harsh. Lol. It’s just an awkward dynamic.
I am am truly blessed that my partner is supportive and a great guy , I have no other worries or concerns in life so I really should be happy. When I go over to my parents it’s the constant criticism. It brings back traumatic memories of my childhood. I couldn’t do anything right, ever. Not cooking, cleaning, that’s all I ever did. I was a slave to my mother and still she beat me up whilst I was sleeping saying the ironing wasn’t to her standards.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Everyone saying break all ties with her. Well have you ever tried to find out why she is behaving like this, what’s the reason behind all this? Have you ever tried to help her? I am not trying to justify what she had done with you & is doing with you in any way is right but no one can become that abusive just in one day, there must be some reason. Helping your loved ones is difficult while breaking all the ties is a lot easier, after all she is your mother.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Emke- it’s been a lifetime of torture. She has always been like this and has justified her actions by saying, this is what ALL mothers do and that she is doing it for my own good. She has NO EMPATHY for anyone. Extremely self-centered.
One example if my bhabee who lives with her became suicidal due to my mothers constant put downs. Even after the birth of her kids my mother gave her NO rest, there was a constant flow of guests and my mother demanded she stopped breastfeeding as it was too time consuming. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I have previously tried to explain how she has affected me by the way she was. Every occasion she began crying stating " how am I A Bad mother, everyone is better than me, please god kill me right now." She honestly believes she is an angel.
Even when I told her at 9 years old, my cousin was trying to sexually assault me (trying to rape me) she did absolutely nothing. In fact she packed me off to stay there a couple of years later when she went on holiday without her kids.
I never gave things much thought at the time but now it’s constantly going around in my head especially as my child nears that age.
I just want to hear from others who may have experienced similar experience with their mother. It’s so tough being a pakistani muslim, keeping up appearances, trying to act like a devoted daughter when all I feel deep down is hatred. I can’t seem to let it go.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Emke- my brother has also trying speaking to her for the sake of his wife’s sanity. She cries saying she has never done anything wrong. My husband says she has no idea how she behaves. She wallows in her own self-pity constantly asking me why everyone dislikes her. When I kindly try to explain her faults she becomes angry and extremely emotional demanding that god strike her down.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
really sorry to hear about your situation. but i think you’re thinking too much into the “pakistani muslim” thing because you’ve heard pakistani muslims here telling you that it’s okay to cut contact with your mum to keep your own peace of mind. and as for finding out the root cause of your mum’s issues, well i can understand why a poster has said that but there’s no need for you to worry about that at the moment with your own psychological issues. maybe when you’re in a better place, then you can try to understand your mum. that might sound selfish, but actually you have a child and your own family to consider too and they need your sanity. so don’t bother to keep showing up or allowing her to visit too often, keep yourself to yourself and just let her continue her drama antics and emotional blackmail, you’ve got a supportive husband at least so seek solace in that.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
^Agree. Don’t totally cut ties with your mom…but minimize it a bit so that it doesn’t affect your own well-being and that of your marriage and parenting. Although…it’s hard to let a traumatic past just roll off, but it’s good that you’re seeking therapy. When interacting with your mom, avoid topics that trigger arguments. Also try to avoid bringing up past mistakes with someone who struggles to see another person’s pov. Been there…and it’ll just leave you feeling exhausted. Don’t try to seek validation or an apology from her. Don’t seek from her what she cannot give you. Instead if there’s any good that she can give you..however much it may be…try to open yourself to that. You said that your mom sees herself as a victim, so have you tried complimenting her or using kind gestures to soften her…so that she feels les defensive? Is it just your opinion that your mom is a narcissist or is that a professional diagnosis? Maybe your mom had a tough or unhealthy upbringing? I’m not trying to justify her actions, but maybe attempting to understand the reasons behind her behavior could take the edge off the negativity that you feel toward …cuz that’s not healthy for you to cling on to. Have you and your siblings tried to collectively talk to your dad about your mom and how her behavior is affecting everyone?
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Wow and i am baffled by people who suggest..they should cut ties with her mother. This is not about religion only..it is saying of our Prophet Muhammed SAW..to never cut ties with your family. If you’re tested as such..you will Insha’Allah be rewarded. Parents are like yearning for kindness..you just don’t abandon them. No matter how bad they might be. Parents are parents..and they will never change. At times..they might get offended by coming to your face and do obnoxious stuff. What you do?..forgive them. That is all i can say!.
And if parents did offend you/us..know that Allah is watching and they will be accountable of their actions..as all of us will be one day. So be kind.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I realize how difficult it can be…my mom and I had a few tough years too in the middle. And by tough I mean tough.
The thing is…you are her offspring, you belong to her, she is your mother and there is no denying that. Its set in stone. You will have to continue with your therapy - which was a great move on your part - and learn to understand her over time. You’ll have to deal with emotional abuse and realize that now its too late for her to fix her ways.
I am not saying lay yourself at her feet. Your first responsibility is towards your family. But you do have a responsibility towards your mother as well. No matter how horrible she is. My advice? Kill her with kindness. Maybe with your changed behavior she may understand how much she has hurt you?
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Nope its always been the other way around for me, my father was the difficult one. I’m hearing more and more of mothers being the abusive ones as I get older but when I was younger it was always the fathers who were the difficult ones to deal with.
My dads side of the family were the same and I had no problem cutting ties with them. Believe me if my dad wasn’t still married to my mum I would have happily cut ties with him a long time ago too
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I would suggest do not cut ties with her. She is your mother and you owe to her a lot.
the behavior you have described is indeed very sad but is shows that she is not mentally stable. she must be suffering from some mental/psychological illness and needs help. someone who is not mentally stable can not be held accountable for his/her behavior so i suggest to be patient and treat her with love and kindness.
the very reason that she gets annoyed and complains t your father when you do not go to see her, indicates that she does want to see you often, why would she want to see you if it hadn’t because of love?
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
every1 giving advice not in favour of breaking ties and saying she is ur mother u cnt do that to her type thngs need to go study psycology of narcisit mother the role of scape goat and golden child and the role of enablers around them and wat it does to daughters of such mothers and can even effect the grandchildren.m posting a links down and u guys shd still google narcisit mothers and read articles to understand the situation. Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
plus as far as the advice goes m sorry as i cnt give any its hard to break ties with any narcisit rishtadaar in pakistani situations just do sabar and ask allah to reward u fr that