Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I think you should definitely consider therapy. It’s practically impossible for you to cut ties even if you tried because you live so close so you need to consider how to minimise her effects. She has programmed you to feel traumatised by exposure to her and you need to deprogramme yourself. You know you’re your sil’s support so it would be good to learn how to deal with difficult people.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Unfortunately you can’t do anything about it and the bitter truth is you’d have to face it as long as she’s alive. And I hope she lives long.
I’ve seen many women like that in my life specially desi women. The lack of Islam and it’s realization is one of the biggest problem with such women.
What you can do in this situation is ignore her and if you’ll take extreme measures like some of the members have already suggested to break all contact, I think that’s going to cause you more trouble so don’t do that instead avoid her as much as you can.
Most of the time when you having conversation with someone just don’t reply back because once you respond things take a different turn. Try not answering or talking to her and be quite that would make her realize that something’s wrong or there’s something she’s doing wrong.
Self realization is the best cure in such cases as people like such don’t think they’re sick which is the biggest problem because it’s hard to help someone who thinks he’s fine already.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I was against cutting ties with your mother until I read how she didn’t care when you were almost raped at 9 years old and she left you there when she went on vacation. How traumatic! And no one here even commented on it! Were you ok then? Did that cousin try to bother you when you were there? How awful for a 9 year old child. I have a 9 year old daughter and I can’t think of ever failing her that way.
I would suggest just be cordial with her and maintain minimum contact. Your brother should move out and should not let his wife be subject to abuse. It’s his mother, not hers.
And yes, I know many desis with bad relationships with their mothers. It’s not as uncommon as you may think.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Thanks to everyone who took time out to post and apologies in the delay for replying.
Eastern 11- Alhumdullilah nothing happened when I stayed at my cousins when my mother basically abandoned me there. Once when she was on holiday and secondly when I was forced to stay at my cousins when his sister was getting married to help out. For a religious mother she never thought of the gher
mehram thing.
He never tried to come near me again but it’s heartbreaking that I was left vulnerable in that situation. As a mother myself I can’t come to term with these things.
I did did bring this up with my mother last year. She clearly remembered me telling her and when I asked why she made me stay there, her answer was other people were around???
Its as though I’m looking back at my childhood with all those emotions and worries experiencing it again. I also suffered from an eating disorder which has affected me my entire life although Alhumdullilah it’s better than it has been.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Whilst drying the dishes I plucked up
the courage. Her reply, she chuckled and said " yeh. I know u do that"
End of conversation and I never mentioned it to her again.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I’m a Muslim-turned-atheist and actually am in the same situation. My mother used to be physically abusive, but now my parents are just emotionally abusive. I have tried to off myself several times.
I strongly disagree with those people who say that just because they’re blood, that means that abuse should be OK cuz “parents are like that”. No. It’s not. Stop being an apologist and resorting to a lazy path. I’d say cut ties with her but honestly in this culture, its rather impossible. Even if you wanted to. I would strongly suggest just limit yourself away from her. Find new hobbies and things to do, like finding a part time job, playing video games, buying a crapload of books. It will help. Believe me.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
And I’m actually appalled at some of these responses. I like how none of them addressed the attempted rape, just derailed to the “oh! you should love your mom!” bs. That’s disgusting. Yet not surprising.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Unfortunately, some desi parents don’t take such accusations seriously. They might think the child has a vivid imagination, or is lying.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Babybird, I am so sorry to hear this. You have a supportive husband and a MIL which is huge. Whenever you talk to your mom, keep it short and sweet. Does your mom have any hobbies? If she does, may be you when talk to her, you can talk about things that interest her that way you do not have to engage with the heavy stuff. Also, you may want to talk to couple of Muslim scholars who may guide you how to deal with your mother. Take care.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
ok so your father is a very cultured person but at the same time he is also a worst type of authoritarian and no one can stand up to him…i am just quoting you. that is what you said few posts above. now what type of cultural person is he?
and your mom is a psycho who always put you through hell for no reason and she was physically abusive as well. ok got it.
so you have an authoritarian father who does not listen to anyone and you have an extremely abusive and violent mom…but then you again claim that you family is “uber cultural”. excuse me?
why do you need to keep telling all of us that you belong to a very cultured family. i am sure you are but then you keep on telling us how pathetic your parents have been especially your mom. Nothing seems to be cultural in this episode.
you see the disconnect? you seem really confused and i have a feeling that you are not telling us the full story. I am not being rude. I am legitimately confused. something is not right.
how abt this.we have heard about your mom and all the bad things she did but is it possible if you can list 3 things that you did wrong or were you always on the right side of coin?
and if you have never done anything seriously wrong, then it means that your mom is a habitual psychologically disordered violent person. in that case she needs sympathies and psychological treatment not a public bashing. no?
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Phoenix desi- excuse me??
why would I not be telling the whole story. Is my upbringing so appealing you think it’s make believe…
When i say my parents are cultured I mean they are very backward pakistani. Although they came here when they were small children they have not adapted their thinking and attitudes with the times even though they they have spent their entire lives here. Islam doesn’t come into the equation for them its very much there izzat is there primary concern.
How can I analyse their paki cultured ways?? Because my in laws who were raised within the same town in Pakistan have a completely different mentality and thinking. My husband had zero of the experiences I had and is shocked to also see how backward they are.
Tell me phoenixdesi. Do you think it’s right to tell a scared child if they dare step out of line they will literally get their throat cut?? Or get buried alive?? I grew up believing these things would happen so I don’t understand where you are coming from. I came on forum for support and to see if others had negative experiences from backward abusive parents who’s honour was more important that their child’s life.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
This rings very true for me pinkalive. Once I started to make sense of my anxiety issues the concept of narcisstic mother became evident.
I try not to wallow in the past but being a mother myself had made me reevaluate the trauma of growing up with a mother who was supposed to nourish their child.
Phoenixdesi- all my siblings have suffered one way or another. It’s not just me.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
They are not cultured at least in world’s dictionary it does not mean backward.
cultured - characterized by refined taste and manners and good education.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Mothers are mothers, whether one is a Muslim, Hindu or Jew, so keep saying that we can’t break the ties because we are Muslim is an argument that is beyond my understanding. And BTW, your mother is a Muslim too, so why is that she is failing to follow the rules of kindness?
You already said that you have minimized going to her house, and it did not help. Maybe all the people who keep saying that do not cut the ties and just minimize the contact, did not read that part.
And if you don’t want to cut the ties, then let me be blunt and ask you that why the heck have you opened this thread to begin with? What miracle solution were you expecting that you probably haven’t tried out yourself already?
I am going to say that again, especially if you have kids of your own, is to protect your family from her is your responsibility, unless you really want this abuse of her to spill over next generation aka your kids. Cut the ties. Let her realize her mistakes. If she has any love for you in her heart, she will contact you. If she doesn’t, then so be it.
Xtron, when prophet said that don’t cut the ties with your family, he was not talking about the mother who would ignore the sex assault attempt on her daughter.
Baqee it’s your life op. You are the one who is going to live with your decision. hopefully you will make a decision to correct the situation, not to tolerate the situation.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
I think you need to focus on the counseling and therapy and less on your mother. If you don’t help yourself first, you will be no good to anyone and by anyone I mean your small child and husband.
Often times, PTSD shows up years later just like this. You relive events that happened years ago again and again and when you come in contact with the people involved it gets worse.
Your mother is not alone…she has people around her. Leave her alone for a while and focus on your own life.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
sister, please dont take it personal. You were mentioning the word cultured so many times in relation to your mom and dad who have done so many bad things to you and maybe i am wrong but cultured usually means people with refined manners, good upbringing, equipped with moral values and good education…so i was kind of confused.
I wish you good luck..May Allah have his blessings on you and your mom. I would urge you not to leave your mom completely and try to be sympathetic as much as you can. you can minimize the contact and try to do sabar when it comes to parents. Allah will give you ajar for this.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
Disagree with this post. OP has no obligations towards this abuser. Unless the latter apologizes sincerely.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
This comes off as cruel - which i know is not your intent. Just because OP used “cultured” doesn’t mean she is confused. We all use some words that make sense to us but may confuse others.
The bigger picture is - the mother has been really terrible. Asking her to name 3 terrible things she may have done as a child is in my opinion unwarranted. There is nothing a child can do to merit the abuse that has been described.
A.good rule of thumb in cases like this IMO -
Assume OP is stating facts. If she is - you and I have no reason to doubt this - being asked such questions is like having salt poured into the wounds. It is not constructive.
And I know you to be a highly constructive and fair person here.
Edit - just read ur latest post. That is more like PD.
Re: Poor relationship with mother. How did you deal with it?
yeah fair point and i already apologized to her in my latest post. She is obviously in a very difficult situation and i was genuinely confused as to why her parents especially mom is so harsh, abusive and violent considering they belong to a very cultured family… she obviously meant to to use the term cultured in a difference sense and it was a classic case of miscommunication and yes i shd have not asked her to name 3 terrible things that she may have done and which may have forced her mom to be so violent. I was trying to be a bit more objective but there was no need for that considering OP had bad experiences when she was a kid.
Thanks for pointing out the embedded rudeness in my email. sometime you don’t realize it when you are writing..so appreciate it.