I never write long winded, socially provocative and family oriented posts, but today I was faced with a small problem although I have a solution for every problem but this time I find myself lost for a crisp and accurate solution. guppies your advice will be greatly appreciated.
So there are these four siblings, two sisters and two brothers. All married with families and their age ranges from 45 to 60. The oldest brother, lets call him Mr. A, is a lost cause. He has married three times, is a womanizer, a habitual alcoholic with a raging temper. He has never worked and has lived off the land that was passed on to him from his ancestors. Nowadays the money has also run out. The sad part is that he sold his last bit of land to get his daughter married. As wedding turns out in Pakistan and knowing the person in question he did not calculate his finances, now he is left with a bill of 200, 000 rupees.
Lets bring the next family member into light, lets call her Mrs. B. she is the older sister of Mr. A . She got married in a very affluent family and is quite well off. Now Mr. A has been totally dependant on Mrs. B from childhood whether it was emotionally or mentally. (They lost their father when they were 10 and 12). He has never asked her for money but he has been eating away her property share for a very long time. He has only paid her a small amount of money once (from property deals) that Mrs. B can call her own.
Mrs. B is a person who can never fight anyone. She thinks this world is one happy sappy family and no evil resides in this world. If it was for her she would have gladly forgiven Satan if he pleaded his case aggressively.
Coming back to the problem at hand MR A needs 200,000 rupees and has pleaded to Mrs. B for a loan. Mrs. B is left with only 100,000 rupees of her OWN money in the bank, Mrs. B’s family has told her not to pay up cause her brother is taking her for granted, If she gives now she will have to support him for the rest of their lives. Mr. A knows he can emotionally blackmail Mrs. B by saying things that “I will kill myself” etc he can squeeze money out of her moreover he is bringing their mother (78 years old) to ask for a loan from her daughter. Mr. A knows that his other brother and sister aren’t that gullible so he is not asking them. IMHO Mrs. B is doing the wrong thing she is compromising her self integrity by paying up to a scoundrel on the pretext of that he is her brother and has never asked her for money that even for his daughters wedding, then Mrs. B justifies it with some religious quotes about a poor girls marriage/dowry and the right of relatives.
What do you all think is Mrs. B doing the right thing, If Yes why and If No Why?
there are soo many ways that you can look at this dilemma. First thing, it is, as far as I remember, also mentioned in Islam that if a person IS capable of working then he should work to support his family, if not then at least himself.
In this case, I dont see Mr. A in any bad form as far as physical is concerned. He should be capable of working if he is capable of drinking and marrying three times. Now, he is in debt and he is asking his sis’s help. Mrs.B should understand that Mr.A is not a child anymore and should stop helping him. If she is concern about his daughters she can pay enough to wed them off happily but not to spend loads of money on dowry, which is also not allowed in Islam anywayz.
My decision: Leave Mr. A alone and lets see whether he really kill himslef or not. If he does he is digging a whole for himself!
My initial reaction if it was me (Mrs A)I reckon she should pay the money..he is her brother after all and in a few years time when he is in a far worse condition she will have to bail him out herself.
However it must be stipulated that it is the last time... she must take control of any property she owns by herself.
The fact is that eventually she will succumb and even though you or other people may inform her of whats best for her she will feel an almost maternal attachment to this chap and give in anyway
If you are not directly involved My advise to you Pakora is to let Mr A and Mrs B do as they wish
I say this as an elder sis... I have siblings and much as Id love to hit them over the head with a mallet sometimes Id still bail them out.
^i think Pakora is Mrs. B's son and probably spent a lot of time abroad (he writes UK style english) away from family in pakistan, and is only now becoming aware of the scam Mr A has been pulling all this time.
In that case, it is very much his business. If Mrs. B is indeed your mom, then i think you have a right to get involved. My advice: Either dont pay him at all, or if you really want to help him, then you deal with his creditors directly. Dont just fork over $200 Gs.
It was his daughter's wedding. What is she doing to pay for her own bill? (I am assuming this is the part of the wedding that is the girl's side's responsibility?)
I would declare my brother a psycho if he has married 3 times. If he is over 40 and has not learned a single thing about life in past 40 years most likely he never will.
my philosphy is this case is "i don't clean no one's ****" .
I love my brother and sisters. If i have to sell my blood due to whatever reason i would not hesitite if its a reasonable reason. If my brother has treated other women as "pao ki joti" took money from people never paid them back, he has to borrow money from people for his daughter's wedding and cant calculate few numbers. That shows me alot. I wont even give him a penny.
Now if was a nice brother, father and husband who was in need of serious help like i said he can ask for 1 million no problem.
Mrs b should learn there is a reason mr c and mrs d arent helping their brother.
I agree with most people on here.....Mrs. B should NOT pay Mr. A any money.
The main reason Mr. A is in this situation is because he's used to being bailed out by Mrs. B and thus, never had to take responsibility for his own actions. I think Mrs. B's other brother and sister, Mrs. B's husband and children need to step in and do whatever possible to prevent her from giving a single penny to Mr. A. He's just lazy and needs to be learn to take responsibilities for his own actions.
Well, we had a situation like that in my inlaws relatives. Instead of putting in money all the siblings distributed responsiblities among themselves. so they had a nice and respectable wedding ceremony with dowery etc.
Its easier said than done. No matter how bad your brothers are you still feel bad for them and you still want to help them out. I know thats how I am with my brothers, I hate them but when they need me to do something I usually do it for them. They treat me like a step sister but I still have to do certain things for them, I feel bad if I dont.
Thats just how women are. It might be better for her to not give the money to him but the guilt of not helping her brother out might get her.
^Herein lies the problem. Mrs B is to partly culpable for his wanton lifestyle. Had she thought with her head 30 years ago, and not her heart, she would have been able to strighten Mr A out a long time back.
Now, Mrs B., since you cant teach an old dog new tricks, i am afraid, it is too late to give him a crash course in fiscal responsibility.
Desi mothers and older sisters are notoious for spoiling their sons and younger brothers, respectively.
Bachari woman I feel so sorry 4 her. She shouldn’t be paying her brother but I belive that it’s hard to say **NO **a person whos emotionally blackmailing her, without her, having any clue. Doesnt the man have sons who work???
I know some of you were trying to find out how I am related to Mr. A or Mrs. B well If I wanted to disclose that I wouldn’t have used A, B, C, or D, secondly that is besides the point. Lets just say I know Mrs. B’s family very well, They asked me for my advice and I couldn’t point them in the right direction so I just wanted to see whether the majority of people think the way I think or am I being a heartless brat when I say that Mrs. B should not dish out a single penny for Mr. A’s daughter’s “wedding banquet bill”.
*I would also like to request that please try to maintain the atmosphere of anonymity as these are serious issues and the families involved are following this thread.
I know it’s a public BB and I presented the issue also in a “Generic” manner, lets keep it that way *. :)
There were a few more variables that I did not mention …
1. Mr. A’s first wife died accidentally when his kids were very young , so most of the time Mrs. B has been taking care of Mr. A’s kids ( I mean the kids used to live with Mr. A but many other matters were taken care of by Mrs. B.)
2. Mr. A does not have any kids who are working or can help him with his predicament.
3. Thirdly Mrs. B lives in a country called Pakistan, where the** families respect and value** is considered much greater than any other commodity.
4. Fourthly Mrs. B can ask her husband and family for the money and they will produce it with a snap of a finger but she hasn’t asked and they seem reluctant just because they know the money will end up with Mr. A.
5. Mr. C and Mrs. D have flatly refused for any help.
6. All this has taken an emotional toll on Mrs. B, A tug of war between her spouse and family on one side and her brother on the other.
7. Last but not least Mrs. B says my brother has asked me for a loan and the day his land comes out of litigation, He will pay me back.
While writing this I think I have reached a conclusion, let me contact Mrs. B’s Family
Mrs B. should loan Mr. A the money and do the appropriate legal paper work so that when his land comes out of litigation the money comes to Mrs B directly.
but I still have to do certain things for them, I feel bad if I dont.
I feel so sorry 4 her. She shouldn’t be paying her brother but I belive that it’s hard to say **NO **a person whos emotionally blackmailing her, without her, having any clue. Doesnt the man have sons who work???