please help me!

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: please help me!

she has a posted before too its her love marrige but very before she has some miss understanding with her MIL i think and she gots some fights too with her fianace now hubby.....

22

Re: please help me!

just read most of the threads you opened before, and as shk_14 said, you seemed to have problems already from the start, yet you chose to live with it. So now, i think it depends on how serious the torture is. If you think there is absolutely no chance that you can live with it or try and solve it then i guess seperation is the best way to go for.

Timepass April 2015
23

many guppies know here dat i got married with my 6 yr of love but situation after marriage is totally change..On my first wedding night he waz distributing foods with his parents and doesnt care dat i m in the room, he came at 3 after doing all his work and his parents didnt say to him dat go in the room as your bride is waiting.After 2 days of marriage he start pressuring me about the works even he said dat do ironing of my parent's clothes .He shout too much on me.He ignores me many times.Even he used to do outing with his freinds late night and i live alone with my MIL and FIL ..Dont know how can i handle this .Kuch samajh hi nahi aaraha hai k kis tarah situation handle karun,ghar waloon ki kafee yaad aati hai mujhay.Roz raat mai lait kar mujhay rona aata hai and aisa lagta hai k brain ki nerves burst hujaingi.He give too much value to hi parents even hi bhanja and bhateeji and do taunting on me too much.Har kaam mai unko aiteraaz hota hai .Yahan ki environment bohot different hai.yahan sab shout kar k aik dosray say baat kartay hain.samajh hi nahi aaraha k kia karun

Timepass April 2015
24

Re: please help me!

so ur in laws and ur fanily in pakistn?

25

Girl obviously i cannot feel what you are going through right now, however as per what you have said right now i dont think any of it is that serious, i do appologise if you are offended, but everything you just mentioned can be resolved by talking. As far as him asking you to work goes well you got to talk to him, him caring about his family well it is the time cuz everyone is paying too much attention to you guys so he is trying to be in the best behaviour, but i dont think these should be reasons for a divorce.

My 2 cents.

26

How is this an issue dude.. HOW??!!!
I would kick my husband if he didn't help his parents distrube food. At this age, it shouldn't be their headache where the leftover food should go. I don't care how late my husband comes in the bedroom, he should take care of it, not his parents. Its a tough job. So much leftover and figuring out where to put it... not easy.
So what he tells you to iron clothes. Is that an issue??!! Shouldn't you be doing it without him telling you to do it. You maybe newly married.. ok understandable but a lot times families have to get back to their regular routine because of how some things function at their house.
He spends time with his friend??!! HOW is that an issue?!! You guys just got married, maybe he is still used to the same old life of going hanging out with his friends, so what. Give it time man... he ain't gonna leave his friends overnight for you.
GOSH... i thought I created issues out of nothing and then I read this!

Timepass April 2015
27

Spiral - How could you be so insenstive. She is not asking him to leave his friends or neglect his parents. Of course everyone has to continue with a normal routine but the guy has just got married, he has extra responsibilities now which he can not just ignore. He should be spending this time with his wife, supporting her in terms of adjustment into her new environment and creating a good foundation for thier marriage. He can hang out with his friends later.

I would also be deeply hurt if my husband did not come into the room until 3am. Surely there are other people who can help with the distribution of the food. How could his family be so inconsiderate. The wedding night is clearly supposed to be special. Imagine the poor bride sitting there for hours on end with all the heavy outfit and jewellery etc.

Disturb - have you tried speaking to your husband about how you feel?

28

Re: please help me!

Dude.. I don't know about her. But let me give an example... my brother is the only son, the only person familiar with Pakistan. When he got married, he did everythiing on his own. We had NO clue. so yeah he took care of everything.. We are all girls and had no clue about anything. If he didn't take care of things.. there was no one to look after left over food... dropping his friends home at 2 in the morning who stayed late to help us out clean. No one made a big deal about it. My parents are not at a stage where they can take care of major things. My bhabi MA is very understanding and supportive of everything.

29

Re: please help me!

Disturb_angel are you sure you are not blowing/hyping it up? I mean i can understand the food distribution thing (you should too) although his parents should have asked him to go to his room but how come there were only 3 people beside you in the house? There was no 4th person in there?

30

Re: please help me!

Spiral..you are making it personal, if your brother did all that and your bhabi had no problems with it, good for you mashaAllah, however thats not the norm in Pakistan, family/friends take care of the things while giving some time to the couple especially in the first few days of marriage.. also, we need to realize that probably she doesn't have just one problem but she mentioned a few to give us an idea.. we shouldn't be insensitive towards her by picking out the details and telling her to suck it up.. she is a newly wed, of course her expectations are different and yes she deserves to be treated special!

Disturbed...you need to talk to your husband about the things that are bothering you.. considng it was a love marriage agains his parents wishes he might be overwhelmed with fighting for you and now he wants his parents to think that having you in life doesn't mean he is going to forget them.. he is just giving them extra time and attention probably to make room for you in their hearts.. giev it time, talk to him about it.. you guys need to make things better TOGETHER!

31

Re: please help me!

Ok really.. all what i am trying to say is that all this is new for the guy as well. Maybe he has his obligations towards others. Yes they are newly wed but a lot of things don't happen instantly. Give it time and it will happen. Talking about divorce after 10 days of marriage is a bit extreme. Just my opinion.

There Is Something On My Laptop?
32

Re: please help me!

Spiral needs to cut this krap.. seriously, what's up with her lame atitude and calling everyone dude here? Pathetic!... Now back to the poster, I think you need some time to adjust into this family, it will be very difficult at first but it's not impossible. It could take up to six months or six years but once you understand their way of living you'd be fine. - You had 6 yrs to figure things out but you were blinded by the love therefore ignored the fact that you'd be living with his parents not just with the guy.. so now just accept this challenge n handle it thouhtfully, unless ofcourse they are physically hitting you or emotionally black mailing you..

33

umm ok.. focus on what you have to say!

34

Re: please help me!

^ lol ok

35

thank God you did not say "umm ok dude" :)

36

Re: please help me!

Disturb Angel.. goodness gracious me, I have been reading your old posts where you have nothing but worries/ complains ( mostly legit) about your soon to be husband and MIL.. they told you exactly what they wanted at the begnning of this marriage which to me was quite churlish & stupid.. yet you still married that guy in that family? Hmm.. what gives!

37

I don't understand how a love merriage can end up like this, but i guess its possible. I can understand why you're so angry, since he did ruin your wedding night. But after a 6yr relationship you should have learned one thing, that communication is key!!!

*Therefore, don't waste you're time here on GS, but lock yourself and your hubby in a room for as long as need be, and TALK IT OUT. Talk about everything, as you would have in you're pre-marriage relationship. Ask him what he expects of you as a wife, and in return what do you expect of him as a husband. *

*As far as the house chores, it is also your responsibility, as you're living in that house. Make an effort to get to know both his parents personally, and cater to them as you would like your husband to do to you parents. *

From what i can see, you had an entirely different picture of marriage, then what it is in reality. Your husband will not ditch his parents for you, sometimes he will need to hang out with his boys because he's a man, and its okay if he askes you do something for his parents because who else is he going to go to.

*If you do not feel loved, TELL HIM. Tell him everything. Because this is your life partner. *

*Never, never, never expect him to automatically understand you, because of your mood, facial expressions, or attitude. He will never know how you feel until you TALK to him. *

38

Re: please help me!

did someone miss her saying that her husband “shouts” at her !!! what kind of love relation was this? but i am not surprised … i know of a couple … madly in love, fought to get married, things changed first day after being married, and ended up in a divorce short after.

anyways … as for the husband coming home late bla bla … yes i can associate this as well with another couple … the girl went and complained to her FIL … things got better when she took the advice of getting pregnant, and she did, and things did get better :cb:

BUT … in your case, you’re obviously not in sync with the family … which is such great … i wouldnt marry a guy who has such a family baggage! NEVER NEVER marry into a family who you dont get along with even before the wedding! but you have … pyar andha … kher … i have no idea what to advise you … except …

AB PACHTAWAT HOWAT KYA JAB CHIRYAAN CHUGG GAYEIN KHET … thik kaha mein khalil khan fakhta sahib??? urf KKF …

39

Re: please help me!

D_A, are you the same girl who opened that thread some time back about your fiance and copy/pasted emails in which he was swearing at you etc? I think it was you (nick sounds familiar), but not sure.

40

Let's break this down, shall we?

  1. Six years of love, and you're so surprised by how his family works and the fact that he stays out late with friends? Why didn't you spend those 6 years investigating this guy and his family in and out in every possible angle? 6 years. Jeez. There should be very few surprises. Either that, or you spent 6 years living in Bollywood-land, where you were fooled by his romantic antics and his lovely promises, and you did not have a clear head on your shoulders.

This is so COMMON with very desi-fied, girls, and then you boys wonder why I warn you about Pakistani-raised women (or women easternized in general)? A lot of times, they are engrossed in Bollywood-Land and have NO CLUE how to run a relationship.

Lady, you're not some Madhuri, and you did not marry Shah Rukh Khan. You married a typical idiotic Pakistani male who has very little clue on how to handle a woman. Your fault. You had 6 years to pick up on that.

  1. Distributing ladoos kept him from you until 3 am..

Ok, so how about we desis stop complaining about trip-ups on marriage events when we clearly aren't organizing those events efficiently in the first place? If the wedding was more organized and GOD FORBID done EARLIER and ended EARLIER, then you might have had him in your bed getting all sexed up by midnight at latest. YOU SHOULD have had a bigger hand to play in the organization of this wedding. Typically, one family or the other does each event, so if this event was organized by YOUR family (I thought the nikkah is usually organized by the girl's family, but maybe that's just a memon thing), then you had full control over the schedule. If it was his family organizing it, you should have piped up and said you want a 5 o'clock wedding. Unheard of I know, but that USED to be the fashion, and it needs to switch back to an earlier timing, because I can guarantee all your guests were *itching all the way back home about how late everything was. As for him helping his family get everything packed away the wedding night, that is the RESPONSIBLE thing for him to do. You should understand that, and back off. I don't think its that hard to postpone intimacy for one night, and if it was that important to you, like I said, you could have insisted on an earlier wedding.

Again, you girls DON'T THINK. You just act all Bollywood and think your wedding will be some Bolly movie, and then get *issy when it isn't. That's YOUR FAULT.

  1. Pressuring you to iron clothes/other housework

Again, something that you had 6 years to discuss with him. If you don't want to do any housework, which is your Islamic right, then you need to have discussed this earlier. Did you?

Otherwise, you are now part of the family and he is your partner. He pitches in, and you pitch in. Do you have a job? Do you have other ways of contributing to the family? If not, then I think ironing an f'ing shirt isn't the biggest deal in the world.

  1. He shouts.

Again, 6 years of love. Did you not observe his behavior with other people? Did you ever see him shout? Were you ever looking closely enough?

Usually when someone is emotional and irrational, you can pick up on that pretty fast, even if they're hiding it from you.

But then again, if you were just in la-la land for 6 years, I can see how you missed that.

  1. He ignores.

Please describe more. Seems like he is interacting with you a whole lot. Are you giving him nasty looks and a cold shoulder? Maybe that's why he is spacing himself from you. You may not be living up to be the nice wonderful wifey that he was expecting.

  1. Outing with his friends.

Please describe how long he stays out and on what days? This is something easily fixed by COMMUNICATION. Uh YEAH. You need to learn to communicate calmly to your husband and gently, and he will change. You get in his face and give arguments and act all mean and bossy, and he'll ignore you. This is something, that parents should correct their boys on. I always argue for a 10 pm'ish curfew for boys. There is NO REASON for a guy to be out at 3 am, and if he is, that's not the guy you should be marrying in the first place...or you make a deal and tell him that if you are out till 3 am, then so am I and you're taking me with you. shrugs That all depends on your choice and your lifestyle. Some women like to go out with their husbands late at night, but that's an issue you need to discuss with him - be home and be with me and your family by X time.

Again, 6 years. You never knew he stays out late with friends?? Did you discuss that he'd have to scale it down once he's not a bachelor anymore?

  1. He gives values to his parents, and his bhateegi and bhangi.

You married a guy who lives with his family, so yeah clearly, he gives them a lot of importance. Something you should have thought about before marriage, because you probably knew he lived with his family.

Again, I hope you collected some of this basic info in 6 years.

Jesus. This is info I collect in the first 5 min and if I don't like what I'm hearing, its not happening.

  1. Taunting from family over everything you do.

Describe this more. 2 solutions to this: You talk to him to talk to his family to scale the criticism down and that it hurts you. Or. IGNORE IT.

Again, you CHOSE to live in a joint family system. These are drawbacks of a joint family system, UNLESS you find a family that works a lot like you and is very laid back and probably wont nitpick about everything.

I've lived with so many girls as roommates, so moving in a new env't and living with new people is not so strange to me. But I will tell you from my experiences, that whenever you live with someone for the first time, there is ALWAYS compromises to be made. ALWAYS. Either you each do your own thing and take care of yourselves. Or you take care of each other. So, yeah you iron his clothes, and guess what? With the money he earns, he comes home and brings you food and pays for your shelter. That makes sense to me. If you don't want to be chained up in a home doing housework, then get a job and go out and do other stuff during the day so you're not tied up with your in-laws all the time.

Again, I keep encouraging girls to get an education and do something - it doesn't even need to be a paid job, it can be as simple as voluntary work. At least it keeps your mind from being preoccupied by USELESS issues like "Oh I'm upset my hubby asked me to iron a shirt".

Now if he is talking to you in a degrading tone, that's something you can talk to him about. You can talk to him about staying out late or not. But at the end of the day, it is a family and a new family for you, at that. So you are now on their turf and you have to live by their rules. Until they trust you and you are accepted truly as a family member, you don't really get much perks.

The downside of a joint family system. Which yeah, its unfair. But then, you could have married someone who doesn't live with his family.

So, your choice. Your problem now.