Let’s break this down, shall we?
- Six years of love, and you’re so surprised by how his family works and the fact that he stays out late with friends? Why didn’t you spend those 6 years investigating this guy and his family in and out in every possible angle? 6 years. Jeez. There should be very few surprises. Either that, or you spent 6 years living in Bollywood-land, where you were fooled by his romantic antics and his lovely promises, and you did not have a clear head on your shoulders.
This is so COMMON with very desi-fied, girls, and then you boys wonder why I warn you about Pakistani-raised women (or women easternized in general)? A lot of times, they are engrossed in Bollywood-Land and have NO CLUE how to run a relationship.
Lady, you’re not some Madhuri, and you did not marry Shah Rukh Khan. You married a typical idiotic Pakistani male who has very little clue on how to handle a woman. Your fault. You had 6 years to pick up on that.
- Distributing ladoos kept him from you until 3 am..
Ok, so how about we desis stop complaining about trip-ups on marriage events when we clearly aren’t organizing those events efficiently in the first place? If the wedding was more organized and GOD FORBID done EARLIER and ended EARLIER, then you might have had him in your bed getting all sexed up by midnight at latest. YOU SHOULD have had a bigger hand to play in the organization of this wedding. Typically, one family or the other does each event, so if this event was organized by YOUR family (I thought the nikkah is usually organized by the girl’s family, but maybe that’s just a memon thing), then you had full control over the schedule. If it was his family organizing it, you should have piped up and said you want a 5 o’clock wedding. Unheard of I know, but that USED to be the fashion, and it needs to switch back to an earlier timing, because I can guarantee all your guests were *itching all the way back home about how late everything was. As for him helping his family get everything packed away the wedding night, that is the RESPONSIBLE thing for him to do. You should understand that, and back off. I don’t think its that hard to postpone intimacy for one night, and if it was that important to you, like I said, you could have insisted on an earlier wedding.
Again, you girls DON’T THINK. You just act all Bollywood and think your wedding will be some Bolly movie, and then get *issy when it isn’t. That’s YOUR FAULT.
- Pressuring you to iron clothes/other housework
Again, something that you had 6 years to discuss with him. If you don’t want to do any housework, which is your Islamic right, then you need to have discussed this earlier. Did you?
Otherwise, you are now part of the family and he is your partner. He pitches in, and you pitch in. Do you have a job? Do you have other ways of contributing to the family? If not, then I think ironing an f’ing shirt isn’t the biggest deal in the world.
- He shouts.
Again, 6 years of love. Did you not observe his behavior with other people? Did you ever see him shout? Were you ever looking closely enough?
Usually when someone is emotional and irrational, you can pick up on that pretty fast, even if they’re hiding it from you.
But then again, if you were just in la-la land for 6 years, I can see how you missed that.
- He ignores.
Please describe more. Seems like he is interacting with you a whole lot. Are you giving him nasty looks and a cold shoulder? Maybe that’s why he is spacing himself from you. You may not be living up to be the nice wonderful wifey that he was expecting.
- Outing with his friends.
Please describe how long he stays out and on what days? This is something easily fixed by COMMUNICATION. Uh YEAH. You need to learn to communicate calmly to your husband and gently, and he will change. You get in his face and give arguments and act all mean and bossy, and he’ll ignore you. This is something, that parents should correct their boys on. I always argue for a 10 pm’ish curfew for boys. There is NO REASON for a guy to be out at 3 am, and if he is, that’s not the guy you should be marrying in the first place…or you make a deal and tell him that if you are out till 3 am, then so am I and you’re taking me with you. shrugs That all depends on your choice and your lifestyle. Some women like to go out with their husbands late at night, but that’s an issue you need to discuss with him - be home and be with me and your family by X time.
Again, 6 years. You never knew he stays out late with friends?? Did you discuss that he’d have to scale it down once he’s not a bachelor anymore?
- He gives values to his parents, and his bhateegi and bhangi.
You married a guy who lives with his family, so yeah clearly, he gives them a lot of importance. Something you should have thought about before marriage, because you probably knew he lived with his family.
Again, I hope you collected some of this basic info in 6 years.
Jesus. This is info I collect in the first 5 min and if I don’t like what I’m hearing, its not happening.
- Taunting from family over everything you do.
Describe this more. 2 solutions to this: You talk to him to talk to his family to scale the criticism down and that it hurts you. Or. IGNORE IT.
Again, you CHOSE to live in a joint family system. These are drawbacks of a joint family system, UNLESS you find a family that works a lot like you and is very laid back and probably wont nitpick about everything.
I’ve lived with so many girls as roommates, so moving in a new env’t and living with new people is not so strange to me. But I will tell you from my experiences, that whenever you live with someone for the first time, there is ALWAYS compromises to be made. ALWAYS. Either you each do your own thing and take care of yourselves. Or you take care of each other. So, yeah you iron his clothes, and guess what? With the money he earns, he comes home and brings you food and pays for your shelter. That makes sense to me. If you don’t want to be chained up in a home doing housework, then get a job and go out and do other stuff during the day so you’re not tied up with your in-laws all the time.
Again, I keep encouraging girls to get an education and do something - it doesn’t even need to be a paid job, it can be as simple as voluntary work. At least it keeps your mind from being preoccupied by USELESS issues like “Oh I’m upset my hubby asked me to iron a shirt”.
Now if he is talking to you in a degrading tone, that’s something you can talk to him about. You can talk to him about staying out late or not. But at the end of the day, it is a family and a new family for you, at that. So you are now on their turf and you have to live by their rules. Until they trust you and you are accepted truly as a family member, you don’t really get much perks.
The downside of a joint family system. Which yeah, its unfair. But then, you could have married someone who doesn’t live with his family.
So, your choice. Your problem now.