please help me get over the past!

[wonderz1]

thank you for all the support guyzz! well if your saying that i should talk to my dad i already did and do you really wanna hear the things ive been through after that?....... while all this was happening i was in Pakistan and after i talked to him and tried to convince him i ended up locked in my house for 6 months............ im not exaggerating its true i was locked in my house and some times tortured..... there were a few times when my dad did slap me............ he even had security in the front of the house because he was scared i was gona run away........ no t.v. no computer no friends over no cousins were allowed to meet me i had nothing........ and my dad didnt let me come back to the U.S........ my mom died two years ago so she wasnt there to help me and my sister just got married so it was hard for her to help me........... all i did was pray 24/7 i prayed n prayed n prayed n finally i got the chance to come back to the U.S ........ all my life ive depended on my dad....... and it was hard for me to take a step......

while i was in pakistan i told the guy i love that we should run away and he didnt want to because he was the only son and he had to take care of his parents.... and i dont blame him for that...... ever since i told my dad that ill marry whoever he says he totallyyyyyy changed its like hes a new person and he loves me sooo much....... its tough guys it really is and i was planning to do istakhara tonight..... if i see a positive sign i wont give up and God forbid if i see a negative sign ill start over again i know it gona be hard but like i said i wont punish my future husband just because of my past...... and ill pray that i can get through all this and ask for strength and patience........

and for all the people who suggested me to elope......... well ive realized something...... my dad will never forgive me n its because his family wont let him....... and i know if my dad isn't satisfied with me then Allah isn't either and if you actually think that ill stay happy after running away and getting married than thats just wrong because Allah mian will bring a lot of hurdles in the future! and i dont want that to happen! i do know one thing for sure i will get over my past before starting my life with another person...........

ill let you guys know how the istakhara went tommorow!

[sonali_2009]

Re: please help me get over the past!

hi,sorry to hear about yr grandpa.my heart cried when i read yr mail but i believe that one should try his best to change the situation by playing wise.you are a brave girl and a wise girl who loves her family.i am sure that you will rewarded by nature for that.my opinion is to tell all the sitaution to yr grandpa because he can help you to change yr destiny and yr father will not refuse him.tell him the situation.God will help you.

[Aaana]

Re: please help me get over the past!

..and how exactly are we suppose to help you?

[Skittlez]

Re: please help me get over the past!

It was very hard for me to read your post without feeling so sad and sorry for you. I can only imagine the pain you’re going through yourself… parents are human too, sometimes they make mistakes… yes your father wants best for you but he’s being unreasonable in my opinion… just because hes a parent doesnt mean he’s not fallible and just because you’re the child it doesnt mean that you dont know whats best for you and that your decisions arent right… try to get that message across. Pray loads and loads… what about his family? Do they like you and know about you? Try asking him to send a rishta over? You never know… I know of situations where parents were dead set against the notion of the marriage but after meeting the other party’s family they were totally smitten and said yes at the spot. It never hurts to try… do all that you can before giving up for your own peace of mind.

Wish you all the best, and please do not get yourself into any relationship you dont want to be a part of. Saying no is hard, but living an unhappy life is much much harder. Be strong, and stand up for what you want. Good luck!

[wonderz1]

hey well i just wanted to tell Aaana that you guys are helping me out...... you guys are making me stronger and i really do appreciate that.......... and yes his family does know me and they really like me, there very supportive........ like i said i will do istakhara to see what i really should do......... ill let you guys know!

[ashheavan]

Re: please help me get over the past!

one thing i would say is keep trying dnt jst give up coz u think its in ur kismat! even allah says u have to try urself in order for me to help u! so keep trying, get ur man to keep trying and den if it doesnt wrk u cn say it wasnt in ur kismat. trust me i was in kindof the same place with my parents saying no and stuff bt i still tried and my man, he tried like der was no 2mrow and den allah helped us too and nw wer 2gether with everyones happiness and my parents will involed to!

and if this guy is the love of ur life den im sorry bt im gna be honest with u, ur neva gna forget him even if u try really hard and even if ur married u will still memba things about him and u will find urself comparing ur husband (if u marry sumone else) to him.

wish u all the best!

[M_was_here]

Oh for sure do keep us updated! I REALLY want you to marry who you want to get married with, what ur dad is doing/did was wrong, you cant continue to be a push-over, you know?

All the best…and I dont even pray anymore but I’ll def. pray for you!

[bhenjee]

Well this one thing about istikhara; my family always discouraged us to take it. Their take is that you have to be extremely strong willed b/c if the results are not in your favor, you have to follow them anyways.

Also, Allah has given us common sense and He puts us into situations where we have to choose b/w A and B. Half the Pakistani Muslims do istikhara before getting married. But Allah shapes everyone's destiny and tests us in ways that we can't understand. Despite all the istikharas, people die, marriages don't work out, tragedies happen.

Istikhara should really be initiated when you have 2 options that you like and you can't make up your mind on which to pursue and hence you ask for Allah's consult. But if your heart is already not set up on something, what would you take istikhara for?

However, prayers can change anyone's destiny and Allah is always listening to what we're saying. Best thing to do is to pray for yourself, your future and happiness in your life.

My uncle and aunt were VERY happily married for 2 years after which my aunt ran off with a Hindu guy, leaving a daughter and a 2 weeks old son behind.

Stop worrying for yourself like this. You can't know how happy or sad you will be with the guy you like if you guys were to get married. And similarly, you also don't know that you might just meet the love of your life thru an arranged situation.

As for forgetting anyone, happiness comes from within. If Allah thinks that this guy is not deserving of you, and you of him, He wont make it happen. And then it's upon you to find happiness in what He's given you, and trust me, that is always a part of the package. If your husband is a nice, loving guy, there is NO way possible that you will cling to old memories. And again, you never know what beholds your destiny. Maybe you will somehow end up with the guy you love, or you think you love since you haven't experienced anything better.

And pLEASE stop worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. My prayers are with you!!

[Femme_Fatale]

Re: please help me get over the past!

parents don't always make the right or best decisions either, especially in your case where soemthing as trivial as zaat is the deciding factor whereas otherwise he is a great match for you. take a stand for yourself unless you are willing to live through the torture of trying to forget your 2.5 years together. Does your mum have no say in it? can she not try to plead your case before your father and his khandan? Maybe you should stop pretending that all is fine in front of your father and let him see how difficult this is for you and what he is putting you through.

[bhenjee]

Re: please help me get over the past!

^ I agree with FF too. You can either be 100% sure of your feelings for each other and fight for it, or you can accept what life has in store for you and for that you needn't worry how you will forgive and forget and find happiness again.

You have to clear up your thoughts a little first. If you know that's what you want then why're you sitting back and letting things happen. I am not exactly a supporter of anything in which one has to take extreme measures, b/c how do you know for a fact that you will have a happy furture with this guy?? I think it's always the best to ask Allah to open ways for you which are the best for you.

I've seen enough girls who get seriously involved, and then wait for the guy to be the man and send a proposal and they initiate arguments and fights with their family members over that one guy. And half the time this guy is a chicken and would rather let go than fight for the girl....

Please, analyze this situation with your ex before fighting for it with your family. If you've decided to let go of your past for your father's happiness, then let yourself believe that eventually you will find happiness in that too.

[sarashah]

Re: please help me get over the past!

WONDERZ1-MASHALLAH you are such a strong girl meri jaan!! i really respect you for all the things you are doing. First of all dont ever think about eloping EVER! its a bad idea, your dad loves you, hes not your enemy, he wants to see you happy. Look at it at your dad's point of view, a sick parent, and he lost your mom, i bet hes really worried. Of course he wants to see you happy, and when you said you would marry anyone he said it probably brought tears to his eyes thinkiing God has given me such a good daughter. The past is the past, im sure you were in love with this guy but its never gonna happen, "the past cant hurt you unless you remember it" Listen meri jaan, whatever is gonna happen it is in your kismat, whatever Allah wants will happen and i am POSITIVE the way you are as a daughter you will INSHALLAH get a wonderful husband, i will keep you in my prayers. God is definetly going to reward you for being such a good daughter, your making your dad happy what else could you want? Dads are consider the staricase to heaven, my dear your so lucky you made your dad happy!!!!!! I know this may not make sense to you now but in the end everything will work out TRUST ME!!

[Reha]

Re: please help me get over the past!

Let us know how your istikharah turns out. Good luck. :)

[PaRi_Si]

Re: please help me get over the past!

Ahhh i had tears in my eyes reading your post :(
Why do ppl make life so hard for themselves and others :( Why cant you just marry the guy you love...you're the one who will be spending her whole life...not them.
I wish I could do a magic and together you both...marrying the other guy doesn't sound good at all...its the matter of whole life...THINK A LOT before you take a decision

[initiator]

Re: please help me get over the past!

Gemini the Great nailed it. Elope. Seriously!

If the guy had a different religion, was a bad person overall I would've sided with you dad. However, this is ridiculous. Your religion permits you to marry the person of your choice, so why not do it? You're breaking that guy's heart, and you might be able to move on, but he may never will. What's his fault in all this?

Moreover, I personally like the fragile egos of the people who try to control every deed (even rightful) of the people around them, getting hurt. This is nothing but total BS.

Go ahead and marry. Best of luck!

[NaMaan]

Re: please help me get over the past!

A MAN HAS ONLY ONE ESCAPE FROM HIS OLD SELF: TO SEE A DIFFERENT SELF IN THE MIRROR OF SOME WOMAN'S EYES.
— CLARE BOOTHE LUCE

Wish that could be true for a woman too.

[linux]

I am all sorry for you wonderzzzz. I really don't know wat to say, but the only thing that comes to my mind is succh kind of marriages can never be successful. I must also appreciate you for taking good care of your father's respect may Allah bless you for that.

Firstly you should talk to the guy you are getting married to and ask him to stand down or atleast he should know the reality, so that there won't be any problems if you do get married to him.

Secondly why would your father make such a big fuss about the cast. I thought we are over with that stuff. Its good you taking care of your grandfather, but let me ask you that if he makes his last wish that u should jump in the river, would you do that?? Its nearly the same kind of situation. You should also talk to your grandfather that fine if you want me to get married in your life help me out here.

But if you aren't able to stop it in any manner wat so ever, accept it as a decision by Almighty Allah and try to be happy with that, cause thats the best way to be thankful to show Almighty Allah that you are actually happy with watever He gave you out of His treasures.

[sweetu]

Re: please help me get over the past!

femme- i think wonderz mentioned that her mom passed away like over 2 yrs ago

[HiNa_2]

dats really sad wonderz …hope things work out for u

u need to show ur parents the Quran and ask them wer in the Quran does it say u cant marry sumone from a different cast??

[D_rkNgt]

Re: please help me get over the past!

u cant argue with ur parents , in our culture Parents r always right ... so arguing wasnt a solution

[Scratch]

Your religion permits you to marry the person of your choice, so why not do it?

Please don't bring religion into this. This very same religion doesn't endorse seeking love interests and pursuing love affairs behind your family's back.