Okay, so I’m a 28 male and recently started in the rishta game and have been looking for a potential spouse for 4 months, I haven’t “dated” in my life before so this is definitely a new experience to say the least.
Any ways, I’ve been primarily looking online using apps like muzmatch/shaadi.com/halfourdeen because the auntie network and and the bio data of the girls my parents bring I’m not attracted to.
So fast forward after 4 months and texting/talking to the hoards of potential eligible women (like a good 15-20) some resulting in phone calls other just ghost/fade away. I think I found a girl that meets all the criteria they want for me in a wife, She’s religious/hijabi, Pakistani and educated and I like the way she looks, me and her have the same hobbies and similar goals.
I show her pics to my parents and strangely I thought they would be all for this girl. But they are not, they don’t like the way she looks they think I can do better (apparently i’m like the fawad khan of my khandan or something). Also I’m only 6 months older than her and they want me to marry someone a lot younger (which I told them I dont want someone younger) but they are like, you can assert your dominance as man on a girl if you are a couple years older. Which to me is kind of stupid but I digress.
So anyways, after some talking with my parents they are like sure you can continue talking to her but keep your options open and keep playing the field and see if you can find someone better. So I kind of want to meet her in real life and see if I’m attracted to her in real life, but knowing my parents even if they do meet her in real life they probably still wont like her.
This whole situation I feel is really disingenuous to her. So I know what my parents are doing is un-Islamic but at this point I rather not waste the girls time if my parents don’t agree, they are stubborn as heck.
So should I continue talking to her and hope that when my parents meet her family and her it’ll work out or just tell her its not going to work out?
Have you guys went through something similar? what happened? Thanks
Should I also play the field? continue searching I’ve been only doing it for 4 months which apparently is nothing .
I show her pics to my parents and strangely I thought they would be all for this girl. But they are not, they don't like the way she looks they think I can do better (apparently i'm like the fawad khan of my khandan or something).** Also I'm only 6 months older than her and they want me to marry someone a lot younger (which I told them I dont want someone younger) but they are like, you can assert your dominance as man on a girl if you are a couple years older. Which to me is kind of stupid but I digress.
**
If it was relatives I'd say they're morons. But own parents...eesh. Good luck bro.
On a general note---I've never understood why family members feel they have a right to assert their feelings about a girls LOOKS. Family background personality, I can understand (disagree to a point but still understand--it makes sense)...but looks? It's just gross, creepy and weird.
the situation doesn't sound to be as much about her as it is about YOU and your relationship with your parents.
how far are you willing to go in terms of defying the wishes of your parents? if not for this girl, then for the next?
what will you do if you meet a girl that you do have chemistry/connection with and they still insist that she's not good enough?
and just fyi.....almost every son is "fawad khan" in the eyes of his parents and it's good that you're not letting that go to your head.....but the minute some parents find that their son can have access to evaluate 15-20 girls in the span of only 4 months, they think the "potential field" is much larger than it actually is.
Okay, so I'm a 28 male and recently started in the rishta game and have been looking for a potential spouse for 4 months, I haven't "dated" in my life before so this is definitely a new experience to say the least.
Any ways, I've been primarily looking online using apps like muzmatch/shaadi.com/halfourdeen because the auntie network and and the bio data of the girls my parents bring I'm not attracted to.
So fast forward after 4 months and texting/talking to the hoards of potential eligible women (like a good 15-20) some resulting in phone calls other just ghost/fade away. I think I found a girl that meets all the criteria they want for me in a wife, She's religious/hijabi, Pakistani and educated and I like the way she looks, me and her have the same hobbies and similar goals.
I show her pics to my parents and strangely I thought they would be all for this girl. But they are not, they don't like the way she looks they think I can do better (apparently i'm like the fawad khan of my khandan or something). Also I'm only 6 months older than her and they want me to marry someone a lot younger (which I told them I dont want someone younger) but they are like, you can assert your dominance as man on a girl if you are a couple years older. Which to me is kind of stupid but I digress.
So anyways, after some talking with my parents they are like sure you can continue talking to her but keep your options open and keep playing the field and see if you can find someone better. So I kind of want to meet her in real life and see if I'm attracted to her in real life, but knowing my parents even if they do meet her in real life they probably still wont like her.
This whole situation I feel is really disingenuous to her. So I know what my parents are doing is un-Islamic but at this point I rather not waste the girls time if my parents don't agree, they are stubborn as heck.
So should I continue talking to her and hope that when my parents meet her family and her it'll work out or just tell her its not going to work out?
Have you guys went through something similar? what happened? Thanks
Should I also play the field? continue searching I've been only doing it for 4 months which apparently is nothing :( .
Maybe teach your parents some moral values, don't do to someone's daughter that you wouldn't wish on yours. Only grown men should look for wives
like Muzna said.. this is more about you and your parents than the girl you choose... because apparently, they want you to dominate any woman you are to be with ... is that how you will act with your future wife? If the answer is no, you already have problems up ahead because they will expect that from you.
Your parents want you to keep your wife will as "daba ke rakhna" .. that is a major issue all on its own.
my suggestion - clear that kind of stuff up NOW while you are still searching, especially if she is going to live with your family.
think about the following -
how much are you willing to stand up to your parents if you select a girl for marriage (like the one you already like)?
if they keep rejecting every girl you bring forth, will you stop looking and let them select for you?
how will your parents act towards your wife if you are not dominant with her? will they pick up on that slack of behavior?
how young do they want you to marry? you have to take in consideration maturity levels etc at this point (not saying all younger girls are immature, just a thought to consider)
If it was relatives I'd say they're morons. But own parents...eesh. Good luck bro.
On a general note---I've never understood why family members feel they have a right to assert their feelings about a girls LOOKS. Family background personality, I can understand (disagree to a point but still understand--it makes sense)...but looks? It's just gross, creepy and weird.
I know its my parents!! :( I wish they were more open minded and less stubborn but they are what they are. I know what you mean I feel its creepy commenting on how attractive you think certain family members and women are.
the situation doesn't sound to be as much about her as it is about YOU and your relationship with your parents.
how far are you willing to go in terms of defying the wishes of your parents? if not for this girl, then for the next?
what will you do if you meet a girl that you do have chemistry/connection with and they still insist that she's not good enough?
and just fyi.....almost every son is "fawad khan" in the eyes of his parents and it's good that you're not letting that go to your head.....but the minute some parents find that their son can have access to evaluate 15-20 girls in the span of only 4 months, they think the "potential field" is much larger than it actually is.
Muzna you hit the nail on the head! Clearly identifying both problems! I was trying to wrap my head around it by couldnt put in to words.
the second point my parents knowing my potential is clearly evident. I, Alhumdullilah am above average in looks, have a really decent job, dual citizen, dont drink/party/smoke etc. They know I'm 100% marriage material, but I have my own faults and am not perfect. But from a desi pov I'm a catch. And they know this so they are trying to get me to play the field more. But I've been out there for whatever 4 months is worth and personally I dont like much of what I see. Deal breakers everywhere! I'm trying to meet my parents in the middle but also taking in their considerations.
But to your first point, I'm not sure...what I would do. What do they consider a good girl? because at this point I don't know what they consider good and what I consider good are mutually exclusive. When I ask for an example they show me a girl who I don't find attractive from Pakistan. Which at this point in time is everyone they send to me >.<.
So have a serious heart to heart with your parents.
Sit them down and tell them that you don't find their picks attractive and be specific.
Tell them that you don't want to be 3 years own the road and still looking for that perfect combination that suits them AND you. Let them know that you value their input and respect their wishes but ultimately this is the person that you will have to spend the next 75 years with and isn't it more important that you have a good connection with her than anyone else?
Ask them what they consider good....have them lay it out in very clear an concise terms. Any matter that requires resolution first begins with communication and then moves to setting expectations. Beyond that things become easier. (keep in mind that communication doesn't only mean that a message be only "sent", it also needs to be "received". and "receiving" a message doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with it, rather accepting it.)
If and when the qualities they lay out are different than yours', tell them. Don't shy away or hold back for fear of hurting them. (If you say it in the appropriate way then you will not hurt them.)
If it was relatives I'd say they're morons. But own parents...eesh. Good luck bro.
On a general note---I've never understood why family members feel they have a right to assert their feelings about a girls LOOKS. Family background personality, I can understand (disagree to a point but still understand--it makes sense)...but looks? It's just gross, creepy and weird.
This is so true.
Unfortunately I've seen it happen more so with parents that have sons than daughters.
Seems so many moms know exactly what their son should/would find attractive......
Why? Just why are you THAT in your son's head?
Why do you even go there?
I know a guy that likes women with a gap between their two front teeth. He finds that attractive. His mother can't stand it.
Another guy I met once said that he didn't mind a woman being slightly cross-eyed.....go figure. But heck, that should be HIS choice, no?
Right!!! I dont know if it’s mostly female in laws who do it or the men too (if that’s the case, that’s even grosser and creepier!!!)…really makes me thank Allah that my in laws are nothing like this…in fact my mom nags my husband (ok and me) more ..
Maybe, they want a pretty bahu so that they know their grandkids will be good looking, but then if their sons are all Fawad Khans, wouldn’t the FK genes outweigh any “bad” features a woman has… soch ne ki baat hai :halo:
THAT
I've mostly come across female in-laws that do it.
Only one male I know of and he totally creeps me out so I avoid him like the plague.
It's definitely my mom that does this, my dad not sure he doesn't say it out loud but I feel he tries to imply it with the words he chooses. Mind you of course their are prettier girls out there, but looks fade and all thats left is the personality. And with me specfically, because I havent dated I'm looking for someone who hasn't had a serious relationship also. Most likely if they are really pretty...they've been in a serious relationship somewhere down the line.
But what really pisses me off is the whole hypocrisy/double standard of my parents. I have a sister who is the same age as the girl I'm talking to (27-28). Any rishta that comes along they are willing to sell her out as soon as possible. All they care is if he has a good job, as long as he meets that criteria "here you go you can marry my daughter". When it comes to her, they don't question looks all they care about for her is Pakistani/muslim/job/hasn't been married or divorced, any other qualities she cares about they think she's being too picky.
I swear, I like to think my parents are good people but the stuff they do make me question that.
Well on the plus side, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. All I'm going to add is that's hard enough finding someone you find attractive and you click with let alone adding your parents two cents in. So you need to decide if you want to pursue this girl and get your parents to ease up or keep going to find someone acceptable to your parents as well.
Re: Your sister... Apparently when women hit 30 they expire, that's why they try to pawn her off on everyone and anyone.
Re: Your sister... Apparently when women hit 30 they expire, that's why they try to pawn her off on everyone and anyone.
Thats unfortunate that desi society does that. I've seen (online at least looking at profiles) some very pretty and qualified 30 year olds that I would love to get to know. But if I brought them and showed my mom...she would have beaten me with her roti roller danda
Why can't you lie to your parents about the age? If they're the type that think 30 is too old, then they don't really deserve the courtesy of truth. I mean.. jsu sayin
there is no real right or wrong way. but if you are the kind who will have to let his parents comment on your life with your wife, kids, etc., best to pick a wife they like too. if they wont be in your bedroom helping your wife put the condom on you, just pick a wife you like. whatever works.
You will need to be assertive. I know so many nearly 40 fawad khans whose families are not willing to settle for any ole girl. While their parents are picking apart girls' noses and complexion their sons are wasting their youth and feeling very lonely.
And I'll be honest some of the troublesome women I know are the most gorgeous. Mothers get so blown away by the pretty ones without checking compatibility or personailty and then spend the rest of the life having a tug of war over their sons. Don't let your parents get swept away by the face because you're the one who'll have to deal with attitude and personality for the rest of your life.
Thirdly the last wedding I went to was where the girl was 6 months older than the groom. It was totally arranged and parents wanted it that way. The families, the girl, everything clicked so it was dumb to let age be a factor. I'm 28 and got married a couple of months back. My husband also flat out didn't want someone who was 21 because he couldn't relate to anyone. Neither could I relate to someone 10 years older. He is much closer to my age and we clicked. There were guys who had better contacts, finances, bigger houses because of their age in the running but it wouldn't be the same because the day to day comfort of good manners, similar goals, similar values and understanding are worth their weight in gold. Believe me.
So, parents will put a lot of regressive pressure on you. You will need to be very clear about your requirements. Don't be the guy who didn't speak out until he turned 40. Also don't play around with the girls and get them emotionally involved (or yourself). Otherwise you might have to truly fight your parents which I doubt anyone wants.
If you see your future life with parents as integral part of it. Then better to find a common ground. If you plan for them not to have much role to play, then you can be ziddi and insist on the one you like and they don't.
Both India a d Pakistan were. Tops in playing the field back in the day. Then the western countries instituted rules that were averse to dribbling skills, bully off. Took skill out of game ad replaced with Brute force.
If you see your future life with parents as integral part of it. Then better to find a common ground. If you plan for them not to have much role to play, then you can be ziddi and insist on the one you like and they don't.
Well they play a part, not an integral one. I do try to take their input because I see some value in it. So I spoke with my parents and they seem to be cool with the idea of me marrying her now. I laid out my arguments and went all Harvey specter on them. Although they have their skepticism still about the girl and they still want me to keep searching however they're cool with me moving forward with this girl and seeing what happens. But to take things slow and not to rush. Of course this could be all moot, I mean I still haven't actually met this girl, but its good I've come to an understanding with my parents and set some ground rules in case this rishta doesn't work out for the future. But my gut feeling says it will. We'll see. Thanks for ze help.
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