I am writing this post partly to let out my frustration and partly to seek some advice with regard to my husband and his famous sister!!
There is an issue that has been going on forever and I have spoken to my husband very openly about it many times.
Just recently something happened that really made me feel excluded, angry and frustrated so I told him about my feelings. First he kept on rationalizing things but when I told him that this is what I feel and he cant just justify things like that, then he started saying that he felt hurt so the whole conversation ended up by me apologizing to him rather than finding a solution to it!!
The issue is that I have for a longer period been feeling that my SIL treats me bad and earlier when I spoke to my husband he always said that he understood my feelings. A lot has happened with regards to my SIL but what really keeps provoking me is that she expects me to come along with her agenda while she doesn’t even make an effort to make me feel as part of the family but still expects me to do stuff for her that family members do.
i.e she married herself to an unknown guy in Pakistan and didn’t even bother to inform her own brother nor me – her reason was that it was too hectic!! Then she applied for her husband’s visa and just before she had to go for the interview, I mentioned to her that they can ask her all kind of questions that she should be prepared for. She kept pushing me to talk to a person I had mentioned to her whom I don’t even know!! I didn’t initate that contact but did some internet research for her so that she wouldn’t feel that I am not helping her out.
Now if someone was helping me out in such a process I would inform her once the husband got his visa. But just recently my husband told me that SIL’s husband got visa and SIL had told hubby not to tell anyone and hubby was unsure whether it included me or not. This really pissed me off cuz I keep trying to make efforts to help her out so our relationship can get better and she really doesn’t even bother to give me call or even text me that her husband is coming.
Well I can accept that even but when she starts expecting from me that I take care of her son when her husband is coming from Pakistan, it really pisses me off. She e-mailed hubby ONLY when asking him whether WE can take care of her son when her hubby will be coming. What does she think I am? Her servant? I have nothing against the kid. He is lovely. But she should really start behaving nice to me if she wants to do stuff for her. I cant get over the fact that she can be so non-chalant and get away with it.
My husband doesn’t even tell her that she can tell me or ask me about it. That’s what really pisses me off. And when I spoke to him about, he just went like “I am sad that you feel like that” but he wont even give her any hint.
So she acts like she is the queen of everything and can do anything she wants. I just wanna deny having the kid over when she is with her husband but that would just be mean.
She doesn’t even want my husband to go along with her to the airport to welcome her husband or even visit him the day he arrives. My guess is that a man from Pakistan would get offended that noone from her family came over
She just wants hubby to bring the kid from the school to our home and not tell the kid even that his step father is arriving from Pakistan.
Anyways that’s her problem. I am just so pissed off at her nonchalant behaviour and my husband’s lack of gutts to talk to her about it!!
Secondly, you might wanted to be praised for your efforts, you must be consulted for every thing, you need to have certain control over elements namely, your Husband etc.
Remember, your husband is a Son & Brother of someone, long before you came into his life.
On the other hand, ur SIL may have some problems as well, but does it mean that you should be dying to solve them, let it be...
More or less, No man ( especially husband) will pay attention to your cries, us husband seems to be wiseguy and is dealing the situation well.
^using her whenever he needs her for himself&his sister and ignoring her whenever HE feels that he's right or it's not important to involve/share with her?yeah right..how wise of him!
chameli..I've an exact kind of story going around me&hubby..and there has been nothing much that i have been able to do.he doesn't change.only thing that changes is that any argument regarding this topic adds sourness to OUR relation.I've left it all upon Allah
chameli, your husband really needs to get his finger out and grow a backbone, the way he is putting aside your feeling and brushing em under the carpet likes there's nothing wrong his appalling. Inshallah i hope you find some solace with what your going through, your tying to make it work and build a good relationship, but it seems no matter how hard your trying nothing good seems to suffice. TC.
^^ may be women think like that as they have lot of idle time to have these kind of thoughts, as far as most of the men as concerned, that don't seem to be bother about it.
My wife have told me about these kind of things all the time, sometime it is my sister(s) some time it is her, i just lend her my ears to hers, comfort her... and also tell her that these are the people we gonna live with, lets stop whinning about what others are doing to us and just focus on what good we can bring to others...
I mean sometime i don't understand, women cries and cries and yet do the task... yet the same could have been done w/o creating by such scene.. but again i guess this how they suppose to be..
tell ur hubby nd SIL u cant do this
do lil fake acting u r na well or something else
so u r not in mood to lookaftr the kid
thn ur SIL might undersatnd...
chameli, your husband really needs to get his finger out and grow a backbone, the way he is putting aside your feeling and brushing em under the carpet likes there's nothing wrong his appalling. Inshallah i hope you find some solace with what your going through, your tying to make it work and build a good relationship, but it seems no matter how hard your trying nothing good seems to suffice. TC.
chameli, your husband really needs to get his finger out and grow a backbone, the way he is putting aside your feeling and brushing em under the carpet likes there's nothing wrong his appalling. Inshallah i hope you find some solace with what your going through, your tying to make it work and build a good relationship, but it seems no matter how hard your trying nothing good seems to suffice. TC.
well then no one is to blame...her own sitaray are in gardish.
While i agree a bit with hanibal that we men often ignore these things of consultation etc and don't take it seriously and we tend to give more space to our relatives in decision making, but, i think your SIL is behaving veru wierd and your husband is not doing what he ought to be doing.
He needs to be more proactive and watching over her sister. I guess ur SIL has not told a lot of things to her new husband, and not taking his family to airport to greet his husband is very wierd.
I guess this time i can understand ur furstration. i mean she needs u only for her work but will not share her news or happiness with u.
i guess she needs a empty place with her new husband thats why she needs u guys to take care of her kid son, somehow i feel sorry for the poor boy when he finds out there is a new man at the house, i think she should tell him and prepare him.
i dont know what can be done other than refuse taking the boy to show ur anger ?!
ur missing the mirch-masala [politics] of married life...though in the end this mirch-masala will be used on you [hubby] to make ur chergha/hroast [hubby roast].
I really feel like saying no to take care of the kid and also tell SIL how weird she is being. But I also know that it would be a very wrong time to do so cuz she could turn this into a situation where I am trying to ruin her happiness which I am not!!!
I also feel that it would be too mean to say no to the kid cuz SIL just wants to get rid of him when her husband arrives and my husband already knows that we don’t have other plans for that day and I know that he will be spending time with his newphew even if I say that I am not feeling well. I have already told my husband that I really felt like saying NO to have the kid over cuz of SIL’s behaviour so I know that he will figure out if I try to get rid of it now!
Its just the whole stupid situation!!!most of all I am angry at hubby cuz he doesn’t even have the gutts to tell him sister that it would be nice if she told me cuz I will be happy for her. How stupid can men be!!!
I have decided to tell my FIL once he calls and mentions that SILS husband is coming – that oh well SIL hasn’t told me and just leave it there. Perhaps he can say a few words to his stubborn daughter. Cuz my husband isn’t gonna do that for ages yet!!
^
you are well within your rights to decide on whatever decision you take. good luck. however my question is still not answered yet...what is the fault of the kid in all this? whatever tain-patas is there...its between the grownups...poor kid has nothing to do with it so why should he suffer...?
The poor kid has no fault in all this. He just has a mother who is not too clever, a father who is not very involved, a mamu who is too afraid of his sister, and a mammani who is very frustrated!!!
This time I will have him over but I will really not tolerate this bakwas from sil anymore. So sick of it.and so sick of hubby not seeing this!
I have bought gifts from a trip abroad to the kid which I will give to him when he stays at our place so he doesn’t feel left outside from his mother and step-father.
Chameli,
You need to learn how to live a happy life. How to count your blessings. How to make others happy. If you do some good for someone you do not need to expect anything in return.
Leave your SIL alone. Life has more to offer to you if you are ready to accept all that good in your life. There must be some people in your life who make you happy , who care for you , who give you importance , who love you . Pay attention to them , give love , care and importance to them.
You will live a happy life.